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My dad is 89, diabetic, has BHP, a piece of metal from an 88 mm. WW II tank round in his left hip which has worked its way into the sciatic nerve, and has left him bed bound. My dad has developed several pressure ulcers which has been treated by a physician, but I have been blasted with the criticism when none of them have offered to help. It has been left to my 85 year old mother and myself to take care of him, and this has taken a great toll on my mother's health, and mine too, because I am 55. We have been advised to turn my dad every two-four hours, and this includes night time, so I am taxed heavily on my sleep, and peace of mind, and it is causing me to run a low grade fever. I could use more help from my family, but it would be a greater peace of mind for them to stop the criticism, because at this point I would rather for them to not to be around mom, and dad, because it is stressing them out also. Thanks!

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You have a huge responsibilty on your shoulders. You are 55 years old taking care of 2 elderly parents 24/7 in your home? Do they think you are a child who has to answer to them? My tendency would be to get tough with the brothers. Can't the other 3 brothers speak up in your defense? They have a lot of nerve IMHO.

The really hardnosed solution, if your 2 brothers are causing your household grief, is to get a restraining order against them. If you own the house you do not have to let them in it. Perhaps have a chat with the local PD for some practical advice before going this route.

Some other ideas:
1). Flat out tell them that before they criticize, they can each take every other weekend at the house and you will take EVERY weekend off for some hard earned respite.
2. Dig out the legal docs - who is in charge of what? If you have the financial and medical POA's just tell them to butt out.
3. If you do not have the legal authorizations, find out who does and let them know you will give up your elder care duties as of a certain date and they need to start making other arrangements.
4. Tell all the brothers that you want a salary for your caregiving duties. If you worked in an office you would get an hourly wage for 40 hours, time and a half for overtime, weekends off, medical benefits and paid vacations. Draw up a caregiving agreement and have their signatures notarized.
5. What's up with the other 3 brothers? Call a family meeting and try to work out a distribution of caregiving responsibilities. It should not be all on your shoulders. I would make a detailed list of EVERYTHING you do inside and outside the home, and see which pieces can be done by others to make your life easier.
6. Make an appointment to speak to an ElderLaw attorney if all the usual legal docs have not been set up yet.

I've been up late several nights, and maybe I'm just tired, but your post has really angered me from the standpoint of how so many caregivers have to put up with bullying, criticism, neglect, demands, and general inconsideration of siblings that expect everything and do nothing. I happen to be an only child, so everything is on my shoulders whether I Iike it or not. As tough as it sometimes gets, I thank God I don't have to answer to anyone else. My heart goes out to you!
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Point blank tell them off about it. "Shut up or help, these are your only options." If they start up with the criticism, throw them out of the house. I'm serious.
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I have ask for their assistance, and suggested their financial help, and I always get the answer "I have bills to pay, and I can't take off work", and I know they don't work 24/7, but it's always some excuse. I like the idea of setting visiting hours for those not involved in care, and I do have their POA so this could be the best answer. Thanks!
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Give them a weekend schedule of rotation to come help overnight with your Dad. You and Mom need relief. The brothers need to step up or shut up!

I am all for setting visiting time limits for those not involved in actual care. If the "boys" don't want to help or can't....they can financially provide weekends off for you and your Mother. Good luck!
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