Brother wants to take over caregiving. Any advice?

Moving them 1000 miles, is too much of a change. That isn't going to work. and locking them in? What sense does that make.

I think that it is your brother that needs care. How old is he?

Good luck. You will be better off on your own.

Katiekay, you NEED to get the POA done! If something happens to mom, only the state can stand in to make her decisions for her. Is that really what she wants?

So your brother is clueless, how do you get along with your sister-in-law? You are right when you say the bulk of the caregiving would probably fall on her, so I think she would be the weak link in this plan. If you could find a way to educate them about the realities of dementia; the sure progression of the disease, the physical as well as mental deterioration, the reality that once they (she) take on this role they will be IT for YEARS, may be enough to delay if not totally quash this plan.
Of course if your parents are all for the plan then that makes it more difficult. If not you could perhaps use it as leverage to get those POAs! What do you other sibs have to say about this?

This couple, if they are receiving the "average" Social Security checks, are getting $2000 a month. How much of their money are you spending on help for you?

Explain to your mom that if she doesn't give you power of attorney that you will no longer be able to care for them. I wouldn't have them in my house for a New York Minute without that.

Yes. ,..i know i need POA. My sister was talking about us all banding together to persuade Mom of the importance of getting these in place. She called my brother and thought he would surely be on board...it turns out he wasnt. He has not been supportive of me caring for them at all. If he helps at all..it will be on his terms ONLY. He wants full control and to do things his way.

Yes..my sister in law would most likely be doing the bulk of the work..and will expect to be paid like an assisted living or nursing home. My nephew is also not working and may be looking at getting some type of income as well. (This is my theory anyway).

My mom and sister in law have had periods where they get along..but for the most part they are like oil and vinegar. My mom would not like that living situation at all..living in her house. She may not go there freely..but who knows what is up their sleeves...a guardianship possibly?

My brother is going through my sister instead of directly through me and possibly trying to get her to side with them

As far as money..they are not on ss..both have good retirements and a sizeable Nest egg.

My brother told me sister he woudnt fight me on this..but...my sister thinks he will when he sees large amounts of money being spent on their care.

God...my life was hard enough but it is about to go to a whole nother level.

As stated above, both of them need to sign Durable POA and Healthcare POA appointing you. With that in hand, you make the decisions and it seems like you and they want the same things. If the others are on board, so be it. I'd be polite, but take care of matters in their best interests. He really has no say so at that point. IF he feels strongly enough, he can take it to court, but IMO, you are local and near them and he would not have as good of a chance being from out of state.

Clueless about dementia… your brother seems to be a bit hazy when it comes to common law, too. He can't just lock them in, as I'm sure you know.

It could be the money. It's sad to be cynical, but it isn't cynical to suppose that your brother would much rather not see your parents' wealth vanish into institutional care. Well, he can join the queue.

But another, linked possibility is that he's got on his white charger and sees himself coming to your parents' rescue. He may have heard all sorts of horror stories about "Those Places" and genuinely loathe the thought of your parents being in one. Given his inexperience, and his comment that you just have to know how to handle dad etc., it does sound as if he has a sentimental expression on his face and sincerely believes that all they need is a little love 'n' understanding and all will be well.

He has a lot to learn… But you don't want that learning done at your parents' expense, in terms of things going horribly wrong and the family ending up in crisis and your parents ending up heaven knows where. So I agree with the advice to pursue POA, as a matter of urgency while your mother is still able; only meanwhile keep talking to your brother and encourage him to research more of the harsh realities of this level of caregiving.

Do you happen to know what your SIL's view of this is, really? Does she have the faintest idea of what she's in for if brother's hare-brained scheme goes ahead?

CM, the only thing more frightening than dementia is family members that think they know best, in spite of not providing consistent care for the loved one. Happened here, they know best but when having to actually figure out how to best deal with it, not a freaking clue!

Pursue full guardianship yourself if you can. It seems to be the only way, when family disagrees, go before a Judge and sort it out.

Glad, you're right there. I'm still fantasising about things I could do to relieve the anger and tension I still feel towards my family's pestilential meddlers - yesterday I descended to "go and throw bricks through their windows." Not that I would, obviously, but oh the longing...

I don't know how far gone she is mental-wise, but she has to have her full wits to get a POA. Maybe a social worker can help you get legal guardianship or steer you in that direction; you can always call an eldercare attorney and ask. If she's mentally unable to sign papers, you will have to be appointed her legal guardian. There is no other option especially when family is involved.

Many in the early stages of dementia can still change or establish POA's the only requirement is that they understand "in that moment" what they are signing and why.

Thanks for all the feedback. I dont want it to seem like my brother is this evil person..he does care for them..in his own way. Its just that we are seeing this from very different perspectives. His contact with them has been pretty limited on the last 5 years. They dont have the same relationship with them that i do. Seems like when you are caregiving you form a strange reverse parent/child relationship? Even with that close relationship we have i would not want them living with me...it would just be too hard. My brother has no appreciation for that...

As far as my sister in law..i think she would love to get the money that a nursing home might get. My dad is fond of her but my Mom has always struggled to get along with her. When my brother facetimes my parents she rarely speaks to them so my Dad always asks about her.

My mom does not have dementia but she is terrified of any forms that would sign her control away. My dad does have dementia and at times he can be pretty lucid. If you dont spend a lot of time with him you wouldnt know right away he has dementia. He does have days tho where the dementia is plain as day.

I also am not over here anxious to slam them into assisted living or a nursing home. I truly believe that if i had left them on their home there is a good chance that possibly both of them would have deteriorated to require a nursing home. They are doing ok in their independent living for now and it is much cheaper then assisted living..and i hope to keep them there as long as possible. Of course there will come an inevitable day when they will need more care. So for now...i am actually saving my parents money with this living arrangemenr.

The difficulty level increases when you have no family support. It would be so much easier if we were all on the same page and supported each other. I hate to have to take this difficult journey alone..but it seems like thats what may happen.

katiekay, I am sorry that you are dealing with this, I don't think you have an easy way out. But, I would try to explain to your brother that you need help with the current situation and that perhaps he and his wife should spend a week with your parents before even thinking about making such a drastic move. I would also be concerned that with your fathers dementia a move to your brothers could be very difficult for him. I would try to explain to brother and other siblings what is actually going on with your parents - what you would like them to do to help - talk to them a bit about the money and the fact that you are saving their money for what will be a necessary move to a care facility in the future, should this money be spent now on care someone will have to cough up money when that care is needed and that would be responsibility of all siblings. They are your family and should they decline to help you on your terms - so be it - otherwise don't let brother or any family member try to make decisions for your parents based on what they "think" as opposed to you as the caregiver know. Good luck on the journey, help or not you will need to be strong .

Katie--
Well we went through this with my parents 16 years ago. Brother built a small apt onto his house, with the idea that they could live out their lives with family. HOWEVER-my brother is a paramedic and KNOWS how to deal with aging issues. I worked in Eldercare and also know. I live about 1.5 miles from them. He and I were dad's secondary caregivers during his last years with Parkinson's. Dad passed 11 years ago and now brother just has mother to contend with. It's become something a challenge. Sounds like your brother is looking at this as "easy money" when it is honestly the hardest thing in the world to do. I agree--you are more aware of the situation and sounds like your brother will take your folks and get POA however he can and then you will be left out in the cold (and I don't just mean the money). You may have to have your folks evaluated and push the issue. Can your parents still make informed decisions about their own care? How do they feel about this move? If they are still in command of her faculties, they can't be pushed, manipulated or forced into something they'd hate. You say mom "won't give you POA"..does she realize that at some time she may not enjoy the option of "giving it"? The courts will appoint someone. (The ONLY way we got my MIL to make any kind of will was when I told her that if she died intestate, STRANGERS would come and go through her stuff. THAT terrified her. She made a will that week.) Perhaps that kind of a tactic would work for your parents. It's actually kind of terrifying for elderly people to make this kind of call--it IS losing a sense of control. IF either of them is still alert and functioning, then how can your brother just step in and take them? I'd lovingly sit down with them and lay out the options. Hopefully they will be aware enough of the situation to do what is best for them.
And no, caregiving for people with dementia (even just aging issues aside from that) is HARD.
Alas, having a large nest egg makes them easy targets for the "brothers" in life who just really want the money. We don't have that "problem"...my oldest brother (now deceased) pretty much cleaned out my poor parents years ago and left them dependent on the rest of us. Our inheritance? Whatever mom has hanging in her closets. (There is a very small life insurance policy, which my brother with the POA says "split the 4 remaining ways...will not even buy you a used car." I plan to just give my portion to the brother who has cared for my folks for so long.

Katiekay, by not having POA's in place your mother will give her rights away, to the system and a stranger, when the time comes. Would she rather choose who that person is? There are "springing" POA's that go into effect onky upon incapacity. That is when people really NEED someone they have chosen looking out for their best interests.

It sounds like he has no clue about what's in store for them. I'd appear to be agreeable and helpful -- and give them a rundown of what your typical day is like. Then give them one of the worst, very casually. "I'll never forget when Mom..." I've got several of those. Give them a useful tip or two on how you assist your mother when she gets up in the middle of the night and thinks it's daytime, or the extra laundry due to "accidents." Did any of us really have a clue as to what was in store for us when a parent or parents needed our full-time caregiving? I have had relatives concerned about me (which I truly know they are), ones who provide assistance to me (off and on

Okay, continuing... (off and on), and others who have given advice good and bad. If I didn't love my mother such a great deal, I would have had her in AL a while ago. I've finally started checking out places, but it's going to break my heart when I have to put her in one.