My brother almost died 2 years ago, but we fought for him and he survived (critical event with low blood sugar and his neighbors apparently told EMS that he had terminal metastasized lung cancer).
During the summer last year, he finally began to care for himself with baths and straightening his room, etc.
Now he wants to move out and be with his friends in the old neighborhood. The old neighborhood has suffered urban renewal ? But he located some friends.
I am 76 years old and have other family members who also require my care. I cannot run over and take him to his many dr appointments, take him to pay the bills he will create etc as My sister and I have done in the past.
My brother did not do well in the past in this situation ...........and now I fear that I also have legal liability on top of everything else.
I tried to reach out for help ( I am not experienced in getting help or where to turn) but everything seems locked down. Area agency on aging sent a letter.
How can I find what is right for my brother ?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I never thought I'd be answering this question, but...

My new next door neighbor is a DAV who requires dialysis every day. He's about 55-58 years old, I'd say. I found out that prior to his purchase of that house, he'd been waiting to die in a Veteran's home. Well, although he's a bit of a jerk, he's living a good life now. There's a dialysis outpatient place I know he goes to every morning; he's got a woman willing to live with him - although he shouts at her and calls her names a lot, she has a place to live with her little girl whenever she's not in prison. (She wears a lovely ankle monitor!) He's severely overweight, but I'm certain he's getting "certain services" from her that he wasn't getting from the VA. Although I wouldn't want his life, or hers, I believe he's got to be WAY happier than he was in the VA care home. The paramedics have come at least six times in a year, but at least he's free and living a "normal" life. Just sayin'. People have a right to live their best life, even if it's not what we would prefer for them. I met his (normal) older brother and although he's still angry/worried about his brother, he visits and they all barbecue...
Helpful Answer (0)
SnoopyLove Apr 2021
Yikes! You paint quite a vivid picture there of this fellow and his household, SeniorStruggles.

I think on this site we are so used to reading of very cognitively compromised people (dementia sufferers) that we forget about all the other folks who have severe problems, yes, but still want to live their own lives on their own terms. Good point.
It's nice that he is able to do more for himself. But that doesn't necessarily mean that he can live independently. Seems like visiting with his old neighbors would a lot better than him actually moving there!

Not sure what you mean by "legal liability"?

If he is not nearly as independent as he thinks he is, cut back a little on what you're doing for him so maybe he can understand that moving might not be doable.

Also not sure what you want the agency on aging to do?
Helpful Answer (3)
Beatty Apr 2021
Agree. Wanting to move out is different to being capable to move out.

Could he make arrangements to visit his friends for say, a half day, then every month or whatever is conveneient/affordable/works for his mates too? Something to look forward to.
You can only do for him what the law allows. If you are his PoA and he has been diagnosed with some sort of cognitive impairment and this comports with the parameters of the PoA, then you can legally do whatever it takes to prevent him from taking ill-advised medical and financial actions. He won't like it but in no way should you pander to his delusion of being "independent" and going back to living in a neighborhood that is no longer the same. This would be disasterous and you know it. The caregiving arrangement must work for both parties. Anything that puts a strain on you and has no real benefit to him means the arrangement isn't working. In no way should you be financing any of his care. This is what Medicaid is for.

If you (or no one) is his PoA, then you legally can't do much except not enable his delusions which would ultimately hurt him. You will need guardianship in order to make decisions in his best interests (again, he won't like it one bit). If you/some one doesn't pursue guardianship then the county eventually will and they will manage all his affairs after that point. But getting to this point might mean you will need to be a bystander during a train wreck.

If it were my brother I'd have a conversation with him expressing that I'm happy to help him do X, Y and Z but only if he doesn't make it onerous. This is called a boundary. If you don't have boundaries you will burn out. I know you love your brother but he has no idea that his "dream" will become your nightmare. I wish you much success in getting him to see the reality of his situation.
Helpful Answer (2)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter