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My 93-yr old father is still legally in charge of his and my mom's affairs (who has dementia), but he is relying more and more on my brother who lives nearby while I live far away. My brother is named as primary healthcare POA, but I am named primary financial POA and I am executor of their Will. These POA's not yet in effect, because father not legally "incapacitated."

My brother is taking charge more and more of all of my parent's financial affairs, not informing me and refusing to share information, and significantly telling others that he has full legal authority.

Last year my brother falsely claimed in an email that he in fact had full healthcare and financial POA, and that he was executor: he told me that my father had updated his documents, but I later confirmed this completely untrue. Without my father's knowledge, he made appointment for he and my father to see an estate lawyer to change his documents. My father did not want to go and I found out and we both stopped it, but not without a big argument. My father thinks it was a misunderstanding.

Now my father is making major financial decisions, selling several properties and our childhood home. Because my brother is there, he is depending on my brother for much of the legal and financial details. My brother put house up for sale and started negotiating with buyers without even telling me. My father knows this and he believes my brother is consulting me and keeping me informed, but he is not and he will not when I ask for information. He arranged estate sale, without telling me any details or dates. He has put parent's posessions in storage with only him and my father's name on contract.

None of this is illegal, of course, because no POA has come into effect. But all my parents friends, relatives, caregivers now think my brother is fully in charge.

I have tried to talk to my father, who does not want to discuss. He avoids conflict. He does not see any contradiction between naming me financial POA, but letting my brother do all of the financial logistics now. But he thinks just more convenient for my brother to help him now. He thinks my brother is keeping me fully informed. If I complain, he thinks we just children squabbling with each other.

Last week I asked my brother directly if he intended to be transparent and consult with me once the POAs actually come into effect. He gave extremely evasive answer, basically saying no.

I think he is positioning himself to take full control, by convincing others he does. Yes, I still have the legal documents, but I am 2000 miles away, and can't fly out there to show every time my brother confuses someone else. And I am afraid he will try again to take my father to lawyer to change documents.

What to do?

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I am DPOA for my mother. Your situation and mine are different but I feel my comment is relevant. For five years I have done all the grunt work for my parents - shopping, Drs appointments, bill paying, errands, loaded up weekly med boxes, visited twice a week - even took mom to the DMV seven times for drivers tests when she was trying to get her license back even though I knew it was hopeless. When dad died 3 years ago more was added and now she has dementia and her life has consumed mine. I'm getting to the point - even though my brothers are local, one never helps and barely visits. The other never helped and at best visited twice a month. Lately he has been more involved as he retired in July. Upon his retirement he suggested he take over the financial POA. He could run the finances on his laptop from his vacation home or one of his frequent month long vacations and I could continue pushing the wheelchair. Well - I'll be damned if I'm gonna spent my time shopping for moms Depends and having to go to him for the money to do so. I agree with the poster who used the term "feet on the ground". At your parents age and diminishing mental state things can change rapidly and spiral at an almost uncontrollable rate. In three months I have had to get mom from a week in the hospital to three weeks in a rehab then move mom and all her stuff TWICE, hire nearly round the clock help for two of the months and switch drs, buy a new walker, buy a wheelchair and more. All of this from one fall mom had. And all of this has cost over $20,000. and the meters still running. I can't even fathom how difficult this would have been if I didn't have immediate access to the money - or how even more stressful it would have been if I had to explain every detail to my brother, when decisions needed to be made quickly, and then wait for the money from him. Maybe your brother feels the same way? Managing the finances from 2000 miles away just doesn't make sense.
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Additional point on asserting your authority: you should be receiving copies of all of his financial and bank statements if you are not already. I've also had a good forensic accountant helping me which has been invaluable and uncovered improper transfers from my Dad's accounts.It is a responsibility to be taken seriously and you need to have the POA active now, not later.
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It appears your Bro has intention of crowding you out and he has proximity. Your father may get to the point where he does not recall that he changed your POA, at the behest of Bro. It also appears your sibling is willing to lie to assert authority he was not granted- a bad sign.
I think if you want to preserve your position, you need to get out there every 2-3 mos. I've had to do this and it is important that the other actors see you involved as well. My 93 yr old, very intelligent, capable Dad asked me to get more involved as he was less interested in the burden of business affairs. I am 3,000 mi away but I get out there regularly. Sister in law made a fuss over fact my bro was not joint with me on POA, but it will not work jointly.
My view is you need to fight to keep your position that your Dad wanted you to have, and assert yourself now . My Dad's POA was not to be effective until 'incapacity' but I told him it needed to be effective immediately, and he complied and I know now he isglad he did. But, ifyou cannot physically be present regularly, your Bro will defacto take over and could have negative consequences for other heirs (yourself or others).
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Instead of asking your brother what's going on, if your dad is of sound mind, ask your dad. Tell him you'd like to be kept in the loop and frequently check with him if anything is happening, since evidently your brother is telling your dad he's telling you stuff and he isn't. Bypass your brother and get the info straight from your dad. If your dad won't tell you, then that tells you that your brother and your dad are together in this and you're outside the loop.
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I certainly can confirm that my dad did not update his POAs simply by asking him directly: he did not I am still named financial POA in his current documents. Yes, my dad is cooperating with my brother, because he is there on the ground while I am not. I'm not saying my brother is doing anything illegal now, and I know I can't take him to court. It is just not very nice or considerate or helpful and the situation frustrates me because he refuses to give me any information. I certainly can take him to court if he continues to take financial actions after the POAs comes into effect. I don't want that to happen.

As to it being a bad setup, we both lived 2000 miles away when my parents drew up their documents, and my brother has a long history of immaturity. There were very good reasons. In any case, that was their decision and my father says he does not want to change it.
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There is no way for you to confirm that your dad did not update his POAs. Your brother doesn't vein need POAs if he has dad's permission. He may be LEADING your dad to certain decisions, but he has absolutely NO obligation to you.

Real estate transactions, financial transactions etc. don't happen, hear this, DONT HAPPEN, without dad signing or your brother showing a fully executed and legal POA.

Either you're in or you're out. Either you butt out or you move on your brother. Those are your options. You have no others. The way you would move on your brother would be to hire an attorney in dad's state and get a court order to force your brother to show his documents. Then proceed from there if he didn't have them.

If dad is cooperating with your brother, which I suspect he is, you have nothing. If it's any consolation, it happens allll the time.

Being 2000 miles away, in my opinion, you should not have been appointed financial POA in the first place. Bad setup.
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Wow, I am not sure why I should give it up. I already am the primary financial POA, because that's what my father wants when the time comes, and I don't need to ask a judge to appoint me. My brother is trying to assume that position now and prevent me from even knowing what is going on. That just seems wrong to me, whether or not I am 2000 miles away.
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jane77, give it up, you are too far away. You can't get there to handle anything. Even if you went to court, the Judge would not appoint you unless you were willing to move near mom & dad.
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I always assumed my brother and I would work together and cooperate. I just want him to share information with me. I don't even know where he has stored my parents posessions from the house, or even the results of the estate sale. He won't tell me anything.
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When the time comes for the financial POA to go into effect, what is your plans to handle your parents financials, from 2000 miles away?
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My best judgement is that my brother is just jealous that my father named me to have financial POA and as executor and he is mostly trying to exert his control over me. He is the older sibling. I don't believe he intends any real harm to my parents, but I am not sure. However, I am spooked by his earlier false claims to have financial POA and his efforts to take my dad to a lawyer to "update" his documents. I am not certain what he intends.
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Jane, I don't think the intent is for your brother to take over your parent's affair... you pretty much answered your own question when you wrote "Because my brother is there, he [your Dad] is depending on my brother for much of the legal and financial details".
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You need to see it from your parents point of view. They're getting older and I'll bet your father is very relieved that one of his children live nearby. I live with my father. He used to be very self sufficient. He can build an outhouse, install the toilet, build a back garage, do the plumbing, etc... As he got older, he was forgetting more and more of how to do home repairs... Even calling the plumber.

My brother lives next door. He's wily, and.. I would still go to him to help us with stuff knowing that he's been trying to find ways to get POA. I can see why your father refuses to do anything to jeopardize alienating your brother. It's scary to find yourself old and no longer being able to do things like you used to.

Your brother is there for them. You are too far away and out of the loop to be of any immediate help. Let's hope that your brother is doing all of these things with the intention of helping your parents. If you feel something is not right, then perhaps it's time you start scheduling several visits yearly to check up your parents. The Internet, like Expedia, can provide some very cheap airfares. Go home for visits so that as POA, you know what's going on and letting people know that you do have an interest in your parents well being. I really do understand why your father will not take sides. He won't bite the hand that's feeding him (helping him).
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So do you believe your brother has ill intent, or is he just secretive and won't share info with you? If your dad won't support you, there's not much you can do from so far away. Your brother's proximity to your parents makes it easy for him to be there when things are decided and acted upon. I don't see that there's much that you can do. Your dad sounds like he's starting to lose some cognitive power and is simply relying on your brother, because he's there. It's only really an issue if your think your brother will use that power for his advantage and the disadvantage of your parents and yourself.
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