Our Mom is in the hospital dying and my brother has taken her away from us. What can we do?

There are always 3 sides to every story. Your side, my side and the right side.

Try calling her room and speak to her, if your brother answers try an outside party that may get through the firewall.

Retain a lawyer? How much time do you think you have when someone is dying? There is more to this story. You have the brother who has been taking care of the mother, now the OP is concerned about assets, not just about the mother. Where has the OP been the last 2yrs?

If she really wants to see her mother go to the hospital. It may already be too late.

You are correct, Irishboy. I have witnessed the death of both parents, sister, aunts and uncles, and it all comes down to "what's in it for me".....(not me, personally).

Find out what document your brother holds. Ask to see it, or retain a lawyer to obtain a copy of it. Keep a copy for yourself. Make sure that the lawyer you retain represents YOU. If your brother has instructed the staff not to let you in, your lawyer must write a certified letter to the hopsital on your behalf.. The staff may still object to your entry. Go from there. Who is "next of kin?" Even though your brother has the POA, his is your sibling, your mother's son. You are your mother's child also. Proceed as best as you can. Good Luck!

JessieBelle, while we don't know the whole story, let's be a little realistic shall we. Those of us who have been sole caregiver to an elderly parent/parents can kind of figure out what is going on.

Where was the OP the last 2 yrs? Why the concern now? Come on, the brother has been dealing with mom for the last 2 yrs, she is dying, now all of a sudden the OP is interested in mom.

And concerned about the brother being in charge of the finances. Where was the concern 6 months ago, 12 months ago, and 18 months ago.

I have said it before and I will say it again, the minute the elderly parent is dying(for sure) here comes the do nothing sibling concerned about their cut.

Hey, guys, you are being harsh. We don't know the story. We likely never will, since the OP hasn't been back. Without knowing the story, we don't know what is going on.

You have stood by and allowed him to do this .

Something doesn't add up here. Where has the OP been for the last two years?

Sounds like the brother has been the caregiver, now the mother is dying and now the OP wants to be involved.

Would love to hear the whole story, I have a feeling the OP is the do nothing sibling, otherwise how did 2yrs go by and no action taken, now it's an issue.

Hmmm.

Hospital policy may permit the patient or guardian to keep some people or all people from visiting. In our local hospitals, there is a security guard at the entrance along with the ladies that give you info for patients rooms. You also have to give a picture ID and that is posted on your badge along with the floor you are going to.

I am POA for my mom; one brother is very helpful and involved; one brother was distant and missing in action until recently when my mother has been in a nursing home; and the other brother died this year due to health issues. While my deceased brother was alive, he was the black sheep in the family since teenager. He was manipulative and preyed on my mother for the past two years asking her for his inheritance money, and constantly calling and harassing me and her. He actually threatened me several times and left vulgar and obscene messages on my cell phone and work phones. I ended up getting a protective order against him on behalf of me and my mother. The judge ordered that the Department of Social Services investigate for elder abuse, and they found that he should not have any contact with mother! The protective order was effective for one year. However, when my brother was on his death bed in the hospital, my other brother took her to visit him and say goodbye. It brought both of them closure. It was a very sad and unfortunate family situation, but my brother was extremely abusive to everyone in the family, not just me and my mother. If you suspect your brother is exploiting your mother in any manner, contact Adult Protective Services, in your local county's Department of Social Services.

What have you done in the last 2 years to try to resolve this?

What do you want now? Just to see your mother? Or are you trying to change other things as well?

I never argue in front of my mother. I never get upset either. One time, my brother and his daughter were fighting each on either side of her bed. She was yelling at them to stop and she was very upset. They didn't even hear her or respond. I told them to stop and not to fight around her. They heard me all right. They stopped.

I think you need to work out your differences of opinion without involving your mother. There must be some kind of mediator who does this kind of process. I wonder if your brother feels you try to influence your mother to change things and upset her in the process. This should be about your mother, not you, not the brother. Take your disagreement outside (away from mom).

Rosella - so is your brother mom's POA or is he her guardian? JessieBelle is spot on that more details on what the whole history is needed.

Which one - POA or guardian - makes a huge difference. If he is her guardian, he has gone through a pretty detailed legal process and been appointed by the court to act in her behalf & with reporting to the court. Removing someone who is guardian is difficult. The ? if this is the case is, just where was other family in the guardianship hearings. They could have placed themselves to be appointed but didn't. Why or why not?

If he is named to be POA, then the ? is more when was it done and was mom competent & cognitive at the time. If he has been POA for a good period of time, then it is going to hold up to be valid.

If you don't know which one your brother is for mom, that in itself is an issue.

Could you tell us a little more about why your brother doesn't want you to see your mother. If he has guardianship, he does control her assets and whereabouts. I sense there is history here that we don't know. Could you fill us in on what the history is?

I am the one kind of in your brothers shoes, whereby I care for my mother on a daily basis and she lives with. I get 0% help from 3 of the 4 siblings, and the 4th one pretty much does lip service by calling once or twice a week. When my mother got ill and was hospitalized, I did not call my remote siblings but my brother did. I did let them see my mother, but would love to have slapped them for their sudden interest because they thought she was dying. On these kinds of situations, there is more to it than what might be evident on the surface. I would ask to you if you were involved before the hospitalization or if it was like my own siblings, and suddenly became involved when you thought that perhaps the end was near? I think there is more to it, and I do agree that if you feel that there is something amiss, an elder attorney or perhaps a policing community group like Crimes Against the Elderly might be worth checking into. In the past two years, it would have certainly been wise to have checked into the situation before a crisis was upon you, as it might be now. Your brother may be acting out of disappointment and anger, and that hostility is playing itself out now that your mother is not well. I can understand that situation. I think Pinky1 has some good ideas there, but also,in the meantime while she is in the hospital, I am sure there is no law that keeps you from sitting outside her room, and telling her through the door that you love her and are there outside the door. Maybe that's the best you can do, but I would feel at least a little better if I were in your situation.

You should just go to the hospital. He CANNOT keep her from you. If you visit, you will be noticed by staff, but they have no idea who you are and I'm sure they're too busy keeping people alive to care. Don't give your brother more power than he has. By "taken away from you," I assume he moved to another city and took her with because he is her POA. Btw, POA's are revokable as long as the person is competent. Has your mom been declared incompetent? What reason has he given for this? If he's just lost his mind, threaten him with legal action. Go to the hospital. If you are ejected, talk to upper management about the legality or illegality of enforcing this. Threaten them with legal action. Get a letter from an attorney if you have to. (Usually threatening is enough.) I am so sorry you have to deal with this as well as your mother's death.

Our experiences with our parents and siblings run the gamut. I have a sister who I would love to keep from my mom. When she shows up, she's loud, bossy, controlling, and berates my mother for her memory loss. Now that my mother is in a nursing home, not knowing what day it is, suddenly, my sister wants a relationship. She says she'll come to my town once a month is she can stay at my house (and run up my heating and food bill). NOT HAPPENING!! Maybe she could say I'm "keeping" my mother from her, but she's free to get a cheap motel. Of course, she won't because she's only interested in getting something for nothing. Has seen my mom like 6 times in last 15 years while I have done all the caregiving. Sorry for the rant. Just want to illustrate that so often, siblings are a problem!

unfortunately when someone tells the hospital they are guardian and shows the paperwork they receive the "power". Trust me the hospital personnel know about the issues between your brother and you gossip travels fast. They have most likely been told you are not to be allowed to see your mother and while the hospital may appear unguarded at night you will be noticed. While most hospital personnel don't know all the legal aspects of guardianship your brother being a male and flashing legal paperwork will most likely get him what he wants. Your best option is to schedule meeting with upper management and discuss you issues and ask what the limits of his power are in the hospital. If you don't get the answers you want talk with an elder attorney.

Unless your brother is at the hospital 24 hours a day I don't understand how he will stop you?
Something that has always creeped me out about hospitals is how wide open they are. Anybody can walk in pretty much anytime.
Did you try to just walk in to see your mom?

Your brother can't stop you from seeing your mother while in a hospital. Go in the middle of the night if you need to. Have a conversation with your mom, and find out what's been going on. I would tape the conversation on my phone. You can have another POA drawn up, if he is taking advantage of her, but maybe he is taking good care of her. I hope he doesn't have a reason to keep you away. My sisters are awful in front of my mother, they can't control their tempers. My mom is in assisted living now and they keep telling her she can go home, yet they didn't help prior to assisted living, so all they do is confuse her. I wish I could keep them away, they are harmful, not helpful. Would you be helpful or make caring for you mom harder on him?

I think Rosella must mean that her brother is her mother's guardian? - "the next one higher than POA."

Rosella, if your mother wants to see you then your brother, or the hospital staff, should facilitate that.

What you can do without causing trouble is telephone the hospital and leave your contact details in case your mother asks to see you. If you put it very nicely to them, you might even be able to persuade the staff to let your mother know that you called and to pass on a message to her. They cannot discuss her with you, though, as I am sure you realise.

Other than that, if your brother is your mother's legal guardian, I can't see what more you can do. Your brother's activities as your mother's guardian will have been subject to scrutiny by the authorities. It's not an easy thing to grab guardianship, exile your blameless siblings and run off with your parent's money, you know.

But we don't know the story. I'm sorry there have been these sorrows in your family, and I hope you get to spend time with your mother.

Siblings are trip out when death of the last parent is near. Can you and the other (us) call the authorities? Know that this will cause you to have zero relations with your brother after mama dies.

I am not understanding this. How can your brother make decisions for your mother without poa? And, even if he has it, how can he block her children from seeing her? You need to seek legal counsel and also find out what is in the will.