My brother is signing our mother out of the nursing home. What can I do?

Such great news!

Such good news, staaarrr!

Such good news! What a blessing to have saved her the risk of falling and the trauma of moving her twice.
She sounds like my mother - constant complaints for 20 years. I guess that is a message to us - not to do that when we get there (if we can help it!)
Anyway, congratulations! I bet you sleep well now!

Rainmom, your brother sounds like a real turd. It is amazing how brothers (and I am sure some sisters) are more than happy to tell you how you should be living your life and caring for your parents, but they don't feel the same sense of obligation to what they should be doing. My brother has also told me my mother should move in with me (I live with my husband in a small one bedroom apartment with a bathroom that is difficult to navigate for any elderly/handicapped person). He said if that weren't possible, I should just go over to her house every morning before work, get her up and give her breakfast and morning pills, go to work, go back to her house, give her dinner, wait until night pills at 9 pm and then go home to sleep and do it all over again. Meanwhile, he can't even visit once a week when he has the whole weekend free. He also has a two bedroom apartment that he said she could come live with him, but only as a tactic to imply that she should be able to live with me. Once she called him on moving in, he all of a sudden said he only had a one bedroom apartment and that she was mistaken. When his fiancé let it slip that it was a two bedroom, he said that his fiancé's sister lived with them (she doesn't). It is amazing the lying that comes out of his mouth and sadly, that no matter how ridiculous my mother believes it.

And I cannot imagine the stress of having my mother live with me.. the last time I took her out for the day, she smashed a banana all over my car, smeared it into the heating vents, kicked her feet all over the passenger's side door and yelled abuse at me over anything and everything. We both need her to be somewhere that I can walk away should she become too abusive.

Thank you... this is a HUGE win. She even signed the papers to stay yesterday. Her social worker didn't sleep at all the night before, so she was ecstatic. It helps that everyone supports her decision to stay. Of course she has already started complaining that she needs a bigger room/new roommate, but if she weren't complaining, she wouldn't be my mom.

My mom also told me that part of what swayed her decision is my aunt who called her begging her to stay. She says my aunt told her the home health aide would be punching her in the gut for 4 hours a day... I can't wait to hear what my aunt actually said to her as I am sure part of my mom's dementia crept into that statement. But I guess whatever works! :)

Staaarrr - I'm sure your right about your brother and his self-preservation skills.

But still - in my head I amuse myself by imagining their phone call. Mom - "oh sonny, I just can't wait until we get home! After you change my Depends and give me a sponge bath, we'll go to the all-you-can-eat buffet- its "seniors night" and then we can swing by Walmart. Tomorrow we need to refill all my prescriptions so it's off to CVS. Saturday would be good for a drive and a movie. Sunday after we go to church together we can go for another drive and stop for desert. You should be making a list - I'll need extra Depends and all my medications. Remember - lights out by 7:30pm".  Sonny - " (crickets) ".

I know that's not how it went but just imagining it that way makes me smile.

My own brother once suggested I should have let our mom move in with me - in my two bedroom house - with hubby and our adult, sevearly disabled adult son. Of course he was fully retired at the time, no kids at home and not one - but 2 four and five bedroom homes. Said he just couldn't expect his wife to take care of mom! Seriously?!! So, I like to get my passive-aggressive jollies by fantising torture for all evil brothers!

On a serious note - be sure to praise your mom profusely for making the best choice. I'm happy for you - even though we all don't really personally know each other here at AC, I always get ridiculously pleased when any of us get to put one in the win column!

Double YAAY!!!

Yaaay!

Rainmom, she can get in the car fine. Her issues are really with all of her other medical ailments piling up on top of each other causing numerous problems when left to her own devices. When she was home, I was taking her to the ER or walk-in at least once a month for various reasons. My brother never listened to what the doctors or therapists were saying. I think the only reason he is listening now is that he might actually be faced with the consequences of his neglect.

Yea!!! It seems it doesn't happen too often but isn't it wonderful when the right thing happens and good triumphs over evil?!! 

To be honest, I was only giving it until your brother tried to get her into his car for the first time. That moment was a real eye-opener for my own brother. 

MIRACLE!!!!!!!!! I just got a phone call from my mom stating that she knows she can't go home and it is better if she stays where she is! Thank you God!!!

Apparently my brother called her last night and told her that he would not actually be able to do any of the things he was promising he would do for her. I'm guessing it finally got through to him when I told him he would be brought up on charges of elder abuse and neglect if he signs that he will be there for her 24/7 and then find her home alone.

Whatever it was, it is a miracle. I pray this lasts.

I think brother is in for a rude awakening- period.

staaarrr, one thing to take note. Whenever an elder, who has dementia, says he/she wants to go home, it usually isn't the house where they previously resided. "Going home" usually means back to their childhood home where life was happier and easier. And for some elders, "going home" means going home to God.

Your brother could be in for a rude awaking, if your Mom thinks she is going back to her childhood home.

Also - since your brother is signing a commitment to care for her - he can pay for her depends, toiletries, etc. You are done.

Is your brother mentally ill?

If mother thinks you caused her dementia and you put her away in the NH yahda yahda, then I don't think it would be productive for you to get involved in helping with her care. (Obviously she is paranoid and none of her accusations are true, but that is her reality right now. That could change.)

AmyGrace, it is beyond all of us as to why he wants to bring her home. I believe it is out of spite and anger to me. I also believe that he sees how well she is doing at the NH and takes that as a sign that she can go home and care for herself instead of a result of her having regular meals, medications, a sleep schedule, activities and friends. He doesn't see her often and never speaks to her doctors or nurses. There is no inheritance. My mother has always been poor and is now on Medicaid. Her only income is social security and that goes to the NH. I provide financial assistance in order for her to go to activities, get the depends she prefers, toiletries, clothing, games, etc. So, there is no money for him to get, even if he gets her home. I have called APS. I believe the nursing home is making him sign paperwork stating that if the aide is not there, then he will be or arrange for other care. I am sure if APS shows up to the house Sunday or Monday, they will see her home alone. At this point I am praying that he follows his typical MO... pulling a no show when he is supposed to pick her up and sign off on Saturday, then call with some ridiculous excuse as to why he couldn't. Last week it was an ulcer on Saturday, no availability of rental cars on Sunday and rain on Monday.

This whole situation is very tough to deal with.
Ignoring your Moms calls will provoke a huge amount of guilt in you. And, you will forever be worried that she will pass because of the neglect.

Honestly, I would answer the call. I would respond to Mom with alarm! "Oh no!, brother was supposed to take care of this..on no...I am calling for APS to come and help you right now!" Then do it.

After you do this...APS will be watching. If Mom or brother have trouble from APS...they will take over her care.

Get serious about protecting Mom ... but not with you own hands!

Just curious as to why he wants to bring her home? Does he really think he is going to take care of her, or is it a "money thing" and he doesn't want her savings (his inheritance) spent on the NH? (we all know how expensive they are, and that they eventually drain every ounce of savings)
Its very sad he is doing that, for her safety and well being, and for you because no doubt he will try to make you feel guilty if you don't help.
You will probably have to wait until she is home and something happens and you can show proof he is not caring for her. It is only a matter of time before she falls. Then you may be able to get legal custody working with a lawyer and her doctors.
I live in a neighborhood where there are many seniors, living alone, refusing to move, wanting to "die at home". They never do. Most of them end up falling (several times, several trips to ER, or breaking bones). Then they end up in AL or NH

Yes, stay strong Staar!
I'm kinda going through the same situation with my dad leaving AL, moving back home etc etc...
I'm really interested in how this all plays out for you....

Good luck, and big courage, Bella

Staar, you are doing an awesome job!

Staarr, you are taking all of the appropriate steps. Keep us posted. Stay strong!

My pleasure, staaarrr! I've got a brother who's a know-it-all pompous a$$, as well. 

He will be taking her out and signing papers with the facility stating that he will be there for her, but he will not be. He just plans on signing whatever he has to in order to get her home. She has been in nursing home because of vascular dementia and her inability to manage all her medical issues, high blood pressure, anxiety, depression, heart disease, kidney function issues, etc. He only has POA, but she is saying she wants to go home no matter what doctors or the rest of the family say. My aunt who is a nurse tried getting through to my brother and my mother, but they refuse to listen. My mom won't get an elder care attorney as my brother is doing what she wants. She says she wants to go home and die. She blames me for her situation and with the dementia, has become abusive towards me and anyone else who tries to tell her it isn't safe for her to go home. She won't get an elder care attorney and does not have the funds. I got her on the waiting list for the medicaid assisted livings around here, so I was hoping she would stay until they could assess if they could take her in. I know I will have to be diligent in not stepping in. The nursing home won't apply for guardianship. Their stance is that they cannot do anything if she says she wants to go home my brother signs that he is responsible. I did call Adult Protective Services. They said they would get back to me within 3 business days. Hopefully that is by Friday, as I believe his plan is to remove her Saturday. I told him I called APS and that they will be looking into him and will make him prove he is caring for her 24/7 if that's what he is signing. I told him he will be charged with elder abuse and neglect if he doesn't. Hopefully that will get through to him and he will change his mind. I also called her regular doctor and he is going to call the nursing home doctor tomorrow. Thanks for all your answers. I will keep you posted. Thank you rainmom for making me laugh. :)

Is he taking her out AMA
- Against medical advice ?

Star, I'm with FF here. If the NH won't listen to what mom wants ( presuming she understands she is going home without your assistance) then you need to get the Area Agency on Aging, APS, and if mom can afford it, an eldercare attorney to look after HER interests.

And ask the NH if they will petition for emergency guardianship. NOT you, the NH or the state.

Starrr, I see from your profile that your Mom has Alzheimer's/Dementia, was that the reason she was living in a skilled nursing facility?

We need to stop and think there is a victim here, your Mom. If I was in this situation I would go to an Elder Law Attorney and get some advice and follow it through. Get your Mom away from your brother because what he is doing to totally unfair to your Mom.

She cannot live under those conditions where she needs 24 hour care and is only getting 4 hours. That's like leaving a child home alone for 20 hours.

After I made my last reply I took a shower. For some reason I do my best thinking in the shower. I was thinking about your situation. 

Two more things came to mind that you should prepare for ahead of time.

First - when the home health care people start to call you. Surely as things start to get bumpy - no Depends in the house, a medication wasn't refilled- they will start to call you because your mom told them to, they can't get your brother to return their calls or even your brother lying to them and saying "oh yes, my sister is going to do that". Be prepared ahead of time so you're not put on the spot. If your voice mail message allows room you might change it to "Hi, this is Star. I can't get to the phone. Please leave a message. If this is regarding Mrs Stars Mom please call Mr Stars Brother at area code 503-A$$-hol@. Okay - his real phone number.

The second thing - when it really begins to get hard for your brother he is going to call you. He won't admit his mistake but he will try to get you to help him. Tactics will range from lying, bullying and threats to lying, crying and being pathetic. Be ready for what you're going to tell him - standing your ground.

Who knows? Maybe brother will rise to the occasion and things will work out - but don't count on it. Leopards don't change their spots, tigers don't change their stripes and pompous a$$ siblings are never as smart as they think they are.

I couldn't agree more with the previous advice. It may very well be the hardest thing you ever DONT DO. But don't !!! If you weaken two very bad things will happen guaranteed - brother will completely step back and resume whatever it is he likes to do with his time - knowing that you're taking care of things. And 2. You will end up taking care of things - maybe for quite awhile.

The only way your brother might come to face facts is for you to let this run its course to failure. If you think you'll weaken if your mom calls in tears - don't answer the phone. Give your mom her own ring tone if you mainly use a cell. That way you won't be extra tempted by actually having the phone in your hand. After all - it's a short trip from the hand to the ear!

If worse comes to worse you can always call 911 and send them to your moms house - if you suspect there may be an emergency that needs immediate action.

I suppose that Mom is eager to go home, too. If not, she can just say no.

Would you consider an emergency guardianship? I think that only applies if she in incompetent. Who holds medical POA for her? That is often stated in the living will.

Absolutely stick to the "I can't help" resolve. If there is any evidence she is not getting the care she needs, get APS involved.

I think your brother is dismissing your refusal to provide assistance. He assumes that once mom calls you in tears - you will go help. Decide NOW how you will handle that. My suggestion is "mom, you know brother is handling that now, please call him, love you, bye" and DO NOT HELP. If you truly want it clear that mom needs more help - then stand back. Don't fill the gap. This will be very difficult for you. I might consider disabling phone for 2 weeks or getting out of town.