My brother is signing our mother out of the nursing home. What can I do?

MIRACLE!!!!!!!!! I just got a phone call from my mom stating that she knows she can't go home and it is better if she stays where she is! Thank you God!!!

Apparently my brother called her last night and told her that he would not actually be able to do any of the things he was promising he would do for her. I'm guessing it finally got through to him when I told him he would be brought up on charges of elder abuse and neglect if he signs that he will be there for her 24/7 and then find her home alone.

Whatever it was, it is a miracle. I pray this lasts.

Starrr, I see from your profile that your Mom has Alzheimer's/Dementia, was that the reason she was living in a skilled nursing facility?

We need to stop and think there is a victim here, your Mom. If I was in this situation I would go to an Elder Law Attorney and get some advice and follow it through. Get your Mom away from your brother because what he is doing to totally unfair to your Mom.

She cannot live under those conditions where she needs 24 hour care and is only getting 4 hours. That's like leaving a child home alone for 20 hours.

After I made my last reply I took a shower. For some reason I do my best thinking in the shower. I was thinking about your situation. 

Two more things came to mind that you should prepare for ahead of time.

First - when the home health care people start to call you. Surely as things start to get bumpy - no Depends in the house, a medication wasn't refilled- they will start to call you because your mom told them to, they can't get your brother to return their calls or even your brother lying to them and saying "oh yes, my sister is going to do that". Be prepared ahead of time so you're not put on the spot. If your voice mail message allows room you might change it to "Hi, this is Star. I can't get to the phone. Please leave a message. If this is regarding Mrs Stars Mom please call Mr Stars Brother at area code 503-A$$-hol@. Okay - his real phone number.

The second thing - when it really begins to get hard for your brother he is going to call you. He won't admit his mistake but he will try to get you to help him. Tactics will range from lying, bullying and threats to lying, crying and being pathetic. Be ready for what you're going to tell him - standing your ground.

Who knows? Maybe brother will rise to the occasion and things will work out - but don't count on it. Leopards don't change their spots, tigers don't change their stripes and pompous a$$ siblings are never as smart as they think they are.

He will be taking her out and signing papers with the facility stating that he will be there for her, but he will not be. He just plans on signing whatever he has to in order to get her home. She has been in nursing home because of vascular dementia and her inability to manage all her medical issues, high blood pressure, anxiety, depression, heart disease, kidney function issues, etc. He only has POA, but she is saying she wants to go home no matter what doctors or the rest of the family say. My aunt who is a nurse tried getting through to my brother and my mother, but they refuse to listen. My mom won't get an elder care attorney as my brother is doing what she wants. She says she wants to go home and die. She blames me for her situation and with the dementia, has become abusive towards me and anyone else who tries to tell her it isn't safe for her to go home. She won't get an elder care attorney and does not have the funds. I got her on the waiting list for the medicaid assisted livings around here, so I was hoping she would stay until they could assess if they could take her in. I know I will have to be diligent in not stepping in. The nursing home won't apply for guardianship. Their stance is that they cannot do anything if she says she wants to go home my brother signs that he is responsible. I did call Adult Protective Services. They said they would get back to me within 3 business days. Hopefully that is by Friday, as I believe his plan is to remove her Saturday. I told him I called APS and that they will be looking into him and will make him prove he is caring for her 24/7 if that's what he is signing. I told him he will be charged with elder abuse and neglect if he doesn't. Hopefully that will get through to him and he will change his mind. I also called her regular doctor and he is going to call the nursing home doctor tomorrow. Thanks for all your answers. I will keep you posted. Thank you rainmom for making me laugh. :)

Staaarrr - I'm sure your right about your brother and his self-preservation skills.

But still - in my head I amuse myself by imagining their phone call. Mom - "oh sonny, I just can't wait until we get home! After you change my Depends and give me a sponge bath, we'll go to the all-you-can-eat buffet- its "seniors night" and then we can swing by Walmart. Tomorrow we need to refill all my prescriptions so it's off to CVS. Saturday would be good for a drive and a movie. Sunday after we go to church together we can go for another drive and stop for desert. You should be making a list - I'll need extra Depends and all my medications. Remember - lights out by 7:30pm".  Sonny - " (crickets) ".

I know that's not how it went but just imagining it that way makes me smile.

My own brother once suggested I should have let our mom move in with me - in my two bedroom house - with hubby and our adult, sevearly disabled adult son. Of course he was fully retired at the time, no kids at home and not one - but 2 four and five bedroom homes. Said he just couldn't expect his wife to take care of mom! Seriously?!! So, I like to get my passive-aggressive jollies by fantising torture for all evil brothers!

On a serious note - be sure to praise your mom profusely for making the best choice. I'm happy for you - even though we all don't really personally know each other here at AC, I always get ridiculously pleased when any of us get to put one in the win column!

I think your brother is dismissing your refusal to provide assistance. He assumes that once mom calls you in tears - you will go help. Decide NOW how you will handle that. My suggestion is "mom, you know brother is handling that now, please call him, love you, bye" and DO NOT HELP. If you truly want it clear that mom needs more help - then stand back. Don't fill the gap. This will be very difficult for you. I might consider disabling phone for 2 weeks or getting out of town.

This whole situation is very tough to deal with.
Ignoring your Moms calls will provoke a huge amount of guilt in you. And, you will forever be worried that she will pass because of the neglect.

Honestly, I would answer the call. I would respond to Mom with alarm! "Oh no!, brother was supposed to take care of this..on no...I am calling for APS to come and help you right now!" Then do it.

After you do this...APS will be watching. If Mom or brother have trouble from APS...they will take over her care.

Get serious about protecting Mom ... but not with you own hands!

Yea!!! It seems it doesn't happen too often but isn't it wonderful when the right thing happens and good triumphs over evil?!! 

To be honest, I was only giving it until your brother tried to get her into his car for the first time. That moment was a real eye-opener for my own brother. 

DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE.

I couldn't agree more with the previous advice. It may very well be the hardest thing you ever DONT DO. But don't !!! If you weaken two very bad things will happen guaranteed - brother will completely step back and resume whatever it is he likes to do with his time - knowing that you're taking care of things. And 2. You will end up taking care of things - maybe for quite awhile.

The only way your brother might come to face facts is for you to let this run its course to failure. If you think you'll weaken if your mom calls in tears - don't answer the phone. Give your mom her own ring tone if you mainly use a cell. That way you won't be extra tempted by actually having the phone in your hand. After all - it's a short trip from the hand to the ear!

If worse comes to worse you can always call 911 and send them to your moms house - if you suspect there may be an emergency that needs immediate action.