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I moved my mom in with my family last summer when her apartment lease wasn't renewed. She couldn't afford Assisted Living and at the time she didn't seem that bad, so I didn't think she was in need of a nursing home. After I moved her in I came to realize that she needed much more assistance than previously thought. Over the year she's been her she's declined even more, to the point where her judgement is not good, she's goes in and out of the "fog" and she's not always able to recognize common objects and gets lost in the house and occasionally neigborhood. In addition to that she gets both physically and verbally aggressive with my children, mostly the older 2 who are 7 and 13. She's punched my son in the face and body, pushed him while on the stairs; she's also thrown objects at both kids, slapped my daughter in the face on multiple occasions and yelled very unpleasant words at all of my children. She doesn't realize that she's doing these things or even what she's doing and my younger children especially don't understand why their beloved grandma is doing or saying these terrible things. My daughter no longer wants to be around her grandma because all their interactions turn into my mom yelling at her. In trying to care for my mom, care for my children and maintain some type of peace in our home, I'm stressed beyond stress and it's been affecting my health all the way around. My husband who is the most mellow person on the planet has also become stressed out by the situation. My brother (and only sibling) is moms POA. When she moved in with me he gave me a paper rescinding him as POA and giving it to me, however he didn't have it notorized, so it means nothing. My brother is also in control of 90% of my mothers finances. In February I spoke with my moms doctor about moving mom into a nursing home, which he felt was appropriate given her health and the situation. But, I just couldn't bring myself to move forward on it, because of feelings of guilt and maybe I just needed to try harder and thinking I was weak for not being able to juggle all of this. In May I finally felt that the situation had reached the threshold and I needed to act, so I spoke to my brother about moving mom into a nursing home. He was on board, but then decided that maybe she should move in with him and his wife, but he needed time, maybe in July it could happen. I discussed respite for mom, while he made his decision and made the appointment with her dr. for the paperwork. Unfortunately, juggling 5 peoples schedules I got the time wrong and was late to the appointment, which apparently gave my brother license to ignore the situation. I had explained to him what's been going on, however he's only seen mom 5-6 times in the last year and not for any significant amount of time, so he doesn't know first hand where she is mentally with this disease. Now it's July and I contacted my brother explaining that mom is getting worse and asked if he made a decision, his response was "spare me the drama" and I don't have time to "deal with this" suggesting that he may be able to do something in late September or October. I am mentally, emotionally and physically tapped out, my children are suffering because of this and my mom is not getting the appropriate care from me because I'm burnt out. My patience is gone, my relationship with my mom, who has been my closest friend and means the world to me is ruined and she has this horrible disease that takes a little more of her away every day! I'm so angry with my brother for his lack of concern for our mom, number one and for my family. I can't even speak to him because I know that will make the situation worse. I've called every place I can think of for advice and they tell me I have one of 3 options: take her to the ER and then refuse to take her home, try to get POA from my brother (which will be a nightmare) or wait until September/October and see if he does something then. I'm so worried that if something doesn't happen soon, I will be taking a trip to the hospital because one of my chldren is going to get hurt by mom or she's going to get hurt when I'm not here or I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. Are there any other options or way to circumvent POA?

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Your brother has already neglected your mother's care. I live in Massachusetts. I have worked in a geriatric facility in Boston. In my later years I worked in Geriatric Research. I know #1 you need to have a geriatric physician who knows all the ins and outs of geriatric. Your brother
has neglected her care in many ways and I would call Elder Abuse who will take of your bother and will as an emergency have your mother placed in a nursing home. My mother had Dementia and later was diagnosis with Blood Cancer. I was my mother's Health Care Proxy and my sister was my mother's POA. To me being a POA is a thankless job. But, they do at the end have to account for every penny spent. It took me two years to get my three siblings on the same page as what I was on. I and my husband, daughter moved into my mother's home to care for my mother. For twenty five years my mother never gave me advance directives for end of life care. I only could think of what I saw and I knew she wasn't going to get better. I decided with her doctor. She was a DNR (restart her heart) and DNH (no hospital) Comfort Care Only. No Feeding tube. The doctor explain each situation and what it meant and if we did try to restart her heart. She would come back the same. But, she would be worse. I explained we make a decision and told my sibling we make a decision and stay with it. My sister being the POA her responsibility was her money and caring for the house. I was responsible for my mother's health. The only way she could have gone into a nursing home is if my sister agreed to sell the house after my mother's death to apply for Medicaid and I had to agree to nursing home placement. I cared for my mother for 8 years and the last 6 months was hospice. care. It is painful when it is your parent but, you want to do the best for them. I didn't want to prolong death. Dementia there is a moment when the dementia clears for a few minutes. I knew it was my mother. She told me let her go. She had enough. That was the biggest gift I could receive. She took her healthcare out of my hands. My mother was kept very comfortable until she died. I never regretted the 8 years. But, I did have help 7 days a week for 8 hrs a day. Which have me time with my family and myself. It has bothered my daughter when my mother forgot her name till this very day. I understood how to care for her. But, there is always swift quick help. Have a geriatrician as your parents doctor. If they suspect abuse. They would report it to eldercare which works like DCF for children. Ask you doctor about the best nursing home. One more bit of advise. If you can smell the urine in the parking lot keep moving. If you smell urine at the front door. Keep looking. I wish you the best of luck!
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If your brother only has POW and not durable power of attorney it is not holding in most state. the difference is POA is when the person is caple of making the correct and right decesion, not when become medical un fit ti understa,d. I know you are afraid of things that can happen, I went through this for almost 8 years, plus two years trying long distance. I was hit, protective services came in when you left the gas on and no flame. Fire resuce had to come, My children were old enough and teenages. but some of the things she said was gross. There are people out there that can keep, get with a elder care, listed in the telephone book, protective services, this group helped me out, and also give Altizmiers a call they have a 24 hour help line. Being a care giver is hard, just watching is going on his hard enough, But you can get hurt. I haved learned the hard way not many people who call them selves friends want to help. The illness does not happen over night. I saw a change but it was her saving things and buying new things. The doctor would not help me out until she hit me so hard and he noticed it. My was moved to Florida ( i was durable power of attonrney, legal rep with her social secuirty ( swarn in) Only one on her will. ( I have a dead beat brother who did harm to my mom) She lasted in a assisting living for two years near my home in Florida. i was there almost every day. Did sleep overs. played games with the group. I was also there when she passed away in my arms. Not knowing anyone but myself. her last year was bad. Take a deap breathe and talk to your brother first, then seek help. Good Bless.
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Mamakk, I am glad everything worked out for you and your family. Really think hard about being your moms DPOA or guardian. I am my mother's DPOA, but I will never agree to guardianship. I do not want to become legally responsible for my mother nor will I choose to be her caregiver. Your situation on what you went through is enough to have people think twice about caring for arelative that has Alzheimer.
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If one of your mom sisters or a close personal friend have been your moms POAs, you may have had the same or similar problem, just with somebody else. Unless the PO Way has been a caregiver, understands caregiving with sympathy and empathy, they are never going to come from the frame of reference of walking that mile in your shoes. NO! If we learn nothing from the multiple posts on this site, it is that the person who is doing the caregiving MUST be the person who has the powers of attorney ! ! !
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Pack her suitcase, put her in the car, and take her to your brother's house. Then leave. You have done enough. Have courage, and take a stand. She needs to be in a nursing home. He has POA, he is the one to do it. Relieve yourself of guilt, think of your husband and children. They come first.
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I forgot to mention - the lawyer I spoke with was just a family friend, answering a few questions for me, he's not my lawyer.
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It can be me - he was giving multiple options - if my brother doesn't want to, if I don't want to, there are other options of court appointed guardian or another family member (one of her sisters) or a close family friend. I do know several people who have not given any of their children POA, but instead went with a close friend. Reasoning is they felt their child might not act in their best interest because of emotions and that one having it over another would create friction between siblings - they feel that the friend can be more objective and will be more respectful of their wishes. In all honesty, I feel that if my mom's sisters or a close friend was her POA, the situation I found myself in - would never have happened.
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Orangeb..I thought of that when I read Mamakk's comments...beware of giving a neutral party POA. They end up confiscating ALL the parent's money/properties. And no guaranty that they will care for parent as should be...and the children's hands are tied. Thanks for bringing it up...I was going to but was running late for work.
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MamaKK: I just re-read your post at the bit where your lawyer suggested a court appointed administrator/neutral party. Why can't it be YOU? I would not want to give up control of my Mother's affairs to a stranger. Another reason to seek a second opinion from an Elder Care attorney. Please be careful.
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Bravo MamaKK!! It's rewarding when poster on this site is able to sift through all the various issues presented by the other caregivers and then move forward and take action the way you did. Thank you so much for updating us on the situation. You still have a lot to do, especially on the legal end, but we are all glad that you and your children are safe and you can all sleep peacefully from now on. I'm just curious about what your lawyer told you. A good POA auth would include an alternate. Did you read your copy completely? And why would he not get in touch with your Bro and tell him to come in and notarize the transfer document he gave you? From what I understand, the legal guardian/conservatorship is complicated. Just saying, maybe you could get a second opinion from another Elder Care Attorney. Either way, as long as you get Medical and Financial control for your Mom, that will be a major accomplishment.
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mommaKK, God bless you! What you have just done was not easy, but you did it and it needed to be done. I know there is a long hard road ahead, but my prayers are with you all, especially the little one who only knows he has lost his nana...hope she will be in better shape and able to enjoy some future visits, and little one will understand it all some day before he really needs to...
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Mamakk, thank you for updating us. Sometimes, a poster comes on and never responds back. I'm glad that you were able to get her to ER for evaluation. Hmmm.. I never thought about the "abandonment" issue when it came to Not taking her home. I just assumed by saying that your brother had POA that he's responsible for her. I'm glad that the hospital was able to find a way around it. From what I read on this site, most non-caregiving siblings with POA just absolutely refuses to understand, accept or DO anything for their parent. It all falls on the poor sibling who is caregiving 24/7. I was really really worried about the kids.

Yes, I agree with the previous poster. When your mother's money is beginning to run out, it's time to start applying for Medicaid. It's a long process. Take care.
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A geriatric psychiatrist would have no problem putting her on Seroquel or Haldol. She needs to be heavily medicated.
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MamaKK, Your brother sounds like he's only interested in the bottom line. The more money it costs to take care of his mother, the less likely it is that he'll end up with any money. But that's what your mother's money was for in the first place right? The taking care of her in her old age. Don't let his bottom line sway you when it comes to your mother's health care. If she needs to go somewhere that costs a boat load of money, then so be it. And your kids can still visit their grandma wherever she ends up, so don't let that sway you either. Get your ducks lined up when it comes to when/if she does run out of money and needs to go on Medicaid. Keep that in mind too. Good luck.
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Thank you all for the "tough love". I wasn't seeing the situation for what it was and was mortified by your comments of child abuse/neglect. Seeing through your eyes, I'm ashamed of my inability to protect my kids. I think someone made the comment of not seeing the forest for the trees, which was spot on. Last night/this am - after 9 hours in the ER - my mom was finally admitted to the hospital psych ward. Having her in a safe place and knowing my kids are safe is a terrific relief! The aftermath: My son is terribly upset with me for taking his nana away, I'm trying to help him understand why I had to move her out, I think in time he'll get it. I'm awaiting the wrath of my brother - hopefully - he will be able to see the situation as it was and get over his ill feelings and understand that I wasn't being dramatic in my descriptions of mom's behavior. To answer a question - my brother has both durable and general/financial POA. I have a paper he gave me where he rescinded and per the original documents it passed both on to me, but because the paper isn't notarized it's useless, I double checked this with a lawyer. The lawyer advice was to suggest to my brother that because he's not living up to his duty as POA, we get a court appointed gaurdian/neutral party to take over. Some misc. info about the hosp. experience...I talked with my mom's dr. before taking her in to ER, he told me to have them call him and he'd admit her, which gave me more confidence going in. My fear was that I would be accused of abandoning my mom, if I refused to take her home and I would be in some kind of trouble for that. I told them at ER check in, in triage, 2 psych drs. and 2 ER docs that I didn't have POA and it wasn't until the 9th hour (1:30am) when they had determined that she should be admitted to the psych ward that the issue of POA came up. They called my brother - who didn't answer the call, so they found another way to admit her and I didn't have to decline taking her home. I do not know what happens next, I'm listed on the HIPPA form, so hopefully getting info at this point won't be an issue. I'm not sure what will happen once my mom is moved into a nursing home. What I've learned: Even though you have the best intentions, when you take a parent into your home be certain you have the POA's or guardianship, otherwise you're at the mercy of the person who does and that's not a good place to be. Thank you all again for helping me achieve clarity and give my children the safe home they deserve!
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Your children have to come first! As indicated, this is child abuse and if they mention it to a teacher or neighbor...you are also in serious trouble. Those kiddos would probably be removed from your home. Get that woman out of the house now!
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OmG, this is not "spare me the drama" time. You have just described the situation to people who are familiar with this sort of thing, and they are not just concerned but alarmed that you have put yourself in a position to lose custody of your children because of what DCFS would term "failure to protect." Sorry to be harsh, but POA is now irrelevant and something needs to happen NOW, or mom gets dropped off to your brother with enough stuff to take care of her, or to an ER with you asking to see social services and explain you will not be caring for her anymore because she is a danger to your children. It is certainly possible that Mom could get somewhat better with medical evaluation and treatment, and possible that your brother can get beyond the wishful thinking stage so that a better outcome is possible, but this cannot wait until the fall and mom cannot be left alone with the children. Your whole family is in danger and the first mandated reporter who hears this story and has the details of your names and address will almost certainly be making a report. If you ask your children not to tell, you will be in even more danger of losing custody of them for not only failing to protect but trying to hide the abuse. SO, so sorry you are in this mess, it is not your fault, you are doing too much for anyone to really expect you to easily see the forest for the trees, especially when it is your mom who you love....but DCFS would not likely be as sympathetic particularly if you end up in the ER with one of the kids having a fracture from getting pushed down the stairs. It seems particularly unfair that brother is not stepping up to deal with this as an adult, but you are the one with kids who are getting hurt, and he will not be the one in trouble with DCFS, you will.
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MamaKK: Bookluvr and Debralee made some very good points on the child abuse issues. I hope that alone spurs you to take action. I do not think there will be any question regarding a declaration of mental incompetency once you get your Mom to the hospital. I also agree with Bookluvr that the Medical POA (other versions may be Health Care Proxy or Advance Care Directive) is important also, because if your Brother has it, the hospital or NH is under no obligation to inform you of anything regarding her medical care. If/when your brother shows up at the hospital (and I suggested that not only for your Mom's medical evaluation needs, but also as neutral and protective territory in which to face your brother), you will also learn whether or not he has the Medical POA, and you may be named as the alternate on it, in which case he has the option to surrender that to you as well. I hope that turns out to be the case. Either way, I cannot imagine that the hospital will fail to declare her incompetent, or to recommend that she be placed in a facilty. Just STAND FIRM through all of it and refuse to take her home! If you do that, you know your brother will probably agree to let her go, because he won't want to take her home either. Once she is secured in a facility, then you can concentrate on fine tuning the legal and financial issues. There are plenty of valuable articles on this website under the Money & Legal tab, and the rest of us are always here to support your efforts too. Good luck, and please keep us posted!
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What your mother has done to your children is called child abuse. Child Protective Services could come and remove your children from the home. A POA means nothing unless your mother is declared incompetent. So forget about the POA is start looking for ways to remove your mother from your home for the safety and welfare of your children. Your priorities are for your children not the guilt about putting your mother in a nursing home!
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Is your Mom seeing a neurologist or some other doctor for her Alzheimer's? It would seem that if your Mom is in this extreme condition that her doctor would insist that it is time for her to be in a nursing home or Alzheimer's facility, or at least be admitted to a hospital for observation and further assessment. If it is medically necessary that she go to a nursing home or some other facility, I would think that your brother would almost have to agree to it or possibly be deemed negligent himself. As another poster stated, find out if your brother has Medical POA, Financial POA or Durable POA. This would make a difference! If her doctor isn't aware of her behavior, make him aware so that something can be done.
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There are 2 kinds of POA: Financial and Medical. Read it carefully. It would be useless to have Medical and not have financial. I've read over and over on this site how the fulltime caregive had the Medical POA but the sibling had the Financial POA. She could no longer care for mom fulltime and wanted to put mom on Assisted Living or Nursing Home. Sibling with Financial POA refuses to authorize payment for this. So, now she's stuck - continue caregiving full time or put mom in NH and pay out of her own pocket.

Very Important: Make sure the POA covers BOTH Financial and Medical.
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Dear MamaKK: You are in a very critical and dangerous spot. I know it's your Mom and I know the conscience/guilt trip we lay on ourselve only too well. Keep in mind your own children's safety is first and foremost. You cannot sacrifice your family's safety for her benefit. She needs to be in a facility that can take care of her psych issues 24/7. Imprint that on your mind and your path will become clearer. As you have been advised, take Mom (I would call an ambulance for safety reasons) directly to the ER and categorically refuse to bring her home (the first option already suggested to you) primarily due to her physical violence to your family members and your fear for your children's safety. Stand firm on this issue. Also bring the POA (un-notarized) papers with you. Keep in mind your brother gave you the papers giving up his POA so it is in writing that he does not want the responsibility. Have the hospital personnel call him on the phone and tell him he needs to come directly to the ER. While he is there, he will either give permission to admit her to a NH, and/or agree to having a hospital representative with notary authorization witness your transfer POA document to give you the legal authority (which will satisfy the second option already suggested to you). You know your brother does not really want any responsibility, so it is in his best interest to comply at this point. I believe you can count on both of these scenarios to work in your favor. BTW, once you have POA, you get control of the finances, so don't let him try to put one over on you. There are serious legal ramifications if he tries to fool with her money. Yes it is a nightmare experience, but it will get done all in one shot, and then you will have a huge burden off your shoulders. The hospital cannot force you to take her home. God Bless you, and good luck!!
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The next time your mom gets physically violent with your children, call 911. The law is very protective when it comes to children and elderly. You will need to explain to the 911 operator the situation and that the physical violence is escalating. You're currently walking a thin line. If she breaks an arm or any other serious injury to one of ur children, the law may hold you as negligent for putting them at risk.

Hopefully you can persuade the cops to take ur mom to the ER for evaluation. And then refuse to take her back home. Tell them that ur brother has POA and give them his home and cell phone number..

With regards to your mom, if you don't want to have POA, then there's really nothing you can do legally with her...unless she's willing and you're willing to use your own funds for her care. Also,if you don't have medical POA, the hospital and clinics are obligated Not to tell you anything about mom.
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