Mom has alzheimers, lives with me and my family, needs to be in nursing home, brother has POA won't help/do anything.

Follow
Share

I moved my mom in with my family last summer when her apartment lease wasn't renewed. She couldn't afford Assisted Living and at the time she didn't seem that bad, so I didn't think she was in need of a nursing home. After I moved her in I came to realize that she needed much more assistance than previously thought. Over the year she's been her she's declined even more, to the point where her judgement is not good, she's goes in and out of the "fog" and she's not always able to recognize common objects and gets lost in the house and occasionally neigborhood. In addition to that she gets both physically and verbally aggressive with my children, mostly the older 2 who are 7 and 13. She's punched my son in the face and body, pushed him while on the stairs; she's also thrown objects at both kids, slapped my daughter in the face on multiple occasions and yelled very unpleasant words at all of my children. She doesn't realize that she's doing these things or even what she's doing and my younger children especially don't understand why their beloved grandma is doing or saying these terrible things. My daughter no longer wants to be around her grandma because all their interactions turn into my mom yelling at her. In trying to care for my mom, care for my children and maintain some type of peace in our home, I'm stressed beyond stress and it's been affecting my health all the way around. My husband who is the most mellow person on the planet has also become stressed out by the situation. My brother (and only sibling) is moms POA. When she moved in with me he gave me a paper rescinding him as POA and giving it to me, however he didn't have it notorized, so it means nothing. My brother is also in control of 90% of my mothers finances. In February I spoke with my moms doctor about moving mom into a nursing home, which he felt was appropriate given her health and the situation. But, I just couldn't bring myself to move forward on it, because of feelings of guilt and maybe I just needed to try harder and thinking I was weak for not being able to juggle all of this. In May I finally felt that the situation had reached the threshold and I needed to act, so I spoke to my brother about moving mom into a nursing home. He was on board, but then decided that maybe she should move in with him and his wife, but he needed time, maybe in July it could happen. I discussed respite for mom, while he made his decision and made the appointment with her dr. for the paperwork. Unfortunately, juggling 5 peoples schedules I got the time wrong and was late to the appointment, which apparently gave my brother license to ignore the situation. I had explained to him what's been going on, however he's only seen mom 5-6 times in the last year and not for any significant amount of time, so he doesn't know first hand where she is mentally with this disease. Now it's July and I contacted my brother explaining that mom is getting worse and asked if he made a decision, his response was "spare me the drama" and I don't have time to "deal with this" suggesting that he may be able to do something in late September or October. I am mentally, emotionally and physically tapped out, my children are suffering because of this and my mom is not getting the appropriate care from me because I'm burnt out. My patience is gone, my relationship with my mom, who has been my closest friend and means the world to me is ruined and she has this horrible disease that takes a little more of her away every day! I'm so angry with my brother for his lack of concern for our mom, number one and for my family. I can't even speak to him because I know that will make the situation worse. I've called every place I can think of for advice and they tell me I have one of 3 options: take her to the ER and then refuse to take her home, try to get POA from my brother (which will be a nightmare) or wait until September/October and see if he does something then. I'm so worried that if something doesn't happen soon, I will be taking a trip to the hospital because one of my chldren is going to get hurt by mom or she's going to get hurt when I'm not here or I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. Are there any other options or way to circumvent POA?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
23

Answers

Show:
1 2 3
Your brother has already neglected your mother's care. I live in Massachusetts. I have worked in a geriatric facility in Boston. In my later years I worked in Geriatric Research. I know #1 you need to have a geriatric physician who knows all the ins and outs of geriatric. Your brother
has neglected her care in many ways and I would call Elder Abuse who will take of your bother and will as an emergency have your mother placed in a nursing home. My mother had Dementia and later was diagnosis with Blood Cancer. I was my mother's Health Care Proxy and my sister was my mother's POA. To me being a POA is a thankless job. But, they do at the end have to account for every penny spent. It took me two years to get my three siblings on the same page as what I was on. I and my husband, daughter moved into my mother's home to care for my mother. For twenty five years my mother never gave me advance directives for end of life care. I only could think of what I saw and I knew she wasn't going to get better. I decided with her doctor. She was a DNR (restart her heart) and DNH (no hospital) Comfort Care Only. No Feeding tube. The doctor explain each situation and what it meant and if we did try to restart her heart. She would come back the same. But, she would be worse. I explained we make a decision and told my sibling we make a decision and stay with it. My sister being the POA her responsibility was her money and caring for the house. I was responsible for my mother's health. The only way she could have gone into a nursing home is if my sister agreed to sell the house after my mother's death to apply for Medicaid and I had to agree to nursing home placement. I cared for my mother for 8 years and the last 6 months was hospice. care. It is painful when it is your parent but, you want to do the best for them. I didn't want to prolong death. Dementia there is a moment when the dementia clears for a few minutes. I knew it was my mother. She told me let her go. She had enough. That was the biggest gift I could receive. She took her healthcare out of my hands. My mother was kept very comfortable until she died. I never regretted the 8 years. But, I did have help 7 days a week for 8 hrs a day. Which have me time with my family and myself. It has bothered my daughter when my mother forgot her name till this very day. I understood how to care for her. But, there is always swift quick help. Have a geriatrician as your parents doctor. If they suspect abuse. They would report it to eldercare which works like DCF for children. Ask you doctor about the best nursing home. One more bit of advise. If you can smell the urine in the parking lot keep moving. If you smell urine at the front door. Keep looking. I wish you the best of luck!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If your brother only has POW and not durable power of attorney it is not holding in most state. the difference is POA is when the person is caple of making the correct and right decesion, not when become medical un fit ti understa,d. I know you are afraid of things that can happen, I went through this for almost 8 years, plus two years trying long distance. I was hit, protective services came in when you left the gas on and no flame. Fire resuce had to come, My children were old enough and teenages. but some of the things she said was gross. There are people out there that can keep, get with a elder care, listed in the telephone book, protective services, this group helped me out, and also give Altizmiers a call they have a 24 hour help line. Being a care giver is hard, just watching is going on his hard enough, But you can get hurt. I haved learned the hard way not many people who call them selves friends want to help. The illness does not happen over night. I saw a change but it was her saving things and buying new things. The doctor would not help me out until she hit me so hard and he noticed it. My was moved to Florida ( i was durable power of attonrney, legal rep with her social secuirty ( swarn in) Only one on her will. ( I have a dead beat brother who did harm to my mom) She lasted in a assisting living for two years near my home in Florida. i was there almost every day. Did sleep overs. played games with the group. I was also there when she passed away in my arms. Not knowing anyone but myself. her last year was bad. Take a deap breathe and talk to your brother first, then seek help. Good Bless.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Mamakk, I am glad everything worked out for you and your family. Really think hard about being your moms DPOA or guardian. I am my mother's DPOA, but I will never agree to guardianship. I do not want to become legally responsible for my mother nor will I choose to be her caregiver. Your situation on what you went through is enough to have people think twice about caring for arelative that has Alzheimer.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

If one of your mom sisters or a close personal friend have been your moms POAs, you may have had the same or similar problem, just with somebody else. Unless the PO Way has been a caregiver, understands caregiving with sympathy and empathy, they are never going to come from the frame of reference of walking that mile in your shoes. NO! If we learn nothing from the multiple posts on this site, it is that the person who is doing the caregiving MUST be the person who has the powers of attorney ! ! !
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Pack her suitcase, put her in the car, and take her to your brother's house. Then leave. You have done enough. Have courage, and take a stand. She needs to be in a nursing home. He has POA, he is the one to do it. Relieve yourself of guilt, think of your husband and children. They come first.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I forgot to mention - the lawyer I spoke with was just a family friend, answering a few questions for me, he's not my lawyer.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It can be me - he was giving multiple options - if my brother doesn't want to, if I don't want to, there are other options of court appointed guardian or another family member (one of her sisters) or a close family friend. I do know several people who have not given any of their children POA, but instead went with a close friend. Reasoning is they felt their child might not act in their best interest because of emotions and that one having it over another would create friction between siblings - they feel that the friend can be more objective and will be more respectful of their wishes. In all honesty, I feel that if my mom's sisters or a close friend was her POA, the situation I found myself in - would never have happened.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Orangeb..I thought of that when I read Mamakk's comments...beware of giving a neutral party POA. They end up confiscating ALL the parent's money/properties. And no guaranty that they will care for parent as should be...and the children's hands are tied. Thanks for bringing it up...I was going to but was running late for work.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

MamaKK: I just re-read your post at the bit where your lawyer suggested a court appointed administrator/neutral party. Why can't it be YOU? I would not want to give up control of my Mother's affairs to a stranger. Another reason to seek a second opinion from an Elder Care attorney. Please be careful.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Bravo MamaKK!! It's rewarding when poster on this site is able to sift through all the various issues presented by the other caregivers and then move forward and take action the way you did. Thank you so much for updating us on the situation. You still have a lot to do, especially on the legal end, but we are all glad that you and your children are safe and you can all sleep peacefully from now on. I'm just curious about what your lawyer told you. A good POA auth would include an alternate. Did you read your copy completely? And why would he not get in touch with your Bro and tell him to come in and notarize the transfer document he gave you? From what I understand, the legal guardian/conservatorship is complicated. Just saying, maybe you could get a second opinion from another Elder Care Attorney. Either way, as long as you get Medical and Financial control for your Mom, that will be a major accomplishment.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions