My brother is POA and refuses to let my disabled Mom enter a NH. What can I do?


She is becoming mentally incompetent, legally blind, diabetic, and incontinent. We all three live in his home. He works and I care for my mother full time and him. He doesn't drive at all. I mow, take care of all appts., medication...etc. The house is falling to pieces. Mold, ceiling falling in, cabinets falling off the walls, roof leaking. Mom needs a new mattress, grab bars for the shower, somewhere to sit other than a kitchen chair and he refuses to allow me to get any of this for her. He works, sleeps, and goes to the VFW nightly. Even with both of us there, the caregiving is becoming overwhelming. Neither one of us gets over three hours sleep a night because mom stays up at night and takes naps during the day. She has quite a bit of money of which my brother is in charge. He uses her money to pay his electric bill, taxes, cable, newspaper subscriptions...everything! I know she now needs more care than we can give her and would like to find her a nice NH in which to live. He adamantly refuses because of the money. I am 53 and have no job, insurance, 401K...nothing. I feel used by my brother. I never signed on to be HIS caretaker. I want my mom to get the very best care possible which I can no longer give her. I think her money should be used for her. He is doing his utmost to hang onto every penny. He has started yelling at her a lot lately, too. I told the Home Health nurse who comes in to give her a bath and she seemed completely unconcerned. What can I do? Is this abuse??

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing


P.S. My point, which I totally forgot to make, is that your brother doesn't want your mom to go into a NH because then your brother would have to move and support himself.
Helpful Answer (0)

I agree with JeanneGibbs and Pam. Either get a job and stay there or move out and get a job. Either way, you have to lead your own life. You aren't shackled to that house the way your mom and brother are. Do what you need to do for yourself. This will also force your brother to bring in extra help for your mom. I agree that it's fine if her money goes to pay her fair share of expenses but it should also go for her care that your brother will need to provide once you are out looking for a job.

I don't think your brother understands how integral you are to his lifestyle. He should have been nicer.
Helpful Answer (2)

Move out and make him deal with her alone. That will change his mind very quickly.
Helpful Answer (0)

If you stopped being the unpaid caregiver, he would have to make other arrangements, wouldn't he? What if you got a job now? That is what you will have to do when Mom is in a nursing home, right? I don't expect Brother will continue to support you.

Start looking for work. Take advantage of any job training opportunities. If mother needs 24-hour supervision, your brother will just have to pay for someone to be with her while you job hunt. If he refuses, call Adult Protection Services and report the mold, leaking roof, etc. and the fact that her POA will not provide any backup care when you need to be away from the house.

It is fine for mother to pay a share of the living costs. But it is not fine that he will not spend her money on her needs.

Home Health Nurses are not social workers nor do they typically get involved in family squabbles.
Helpful Answer (3)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.