Brother or husband?

The mother should be sending support for your brother.
Is that possible?
Would that make a difference to your husband?

In a marriage, if there is one dissenting vote it is a "NO" for both of you.
It is a deal breaker.

Make other immediate arrangements for your brother. imo.

Like all immigrants, if the case is pending for a minimum of 180 days, then there is no work. There is also no ability to pay for health care. Listen to your husband because the line in the sand has been drawn. All we can do is offer opinion but cannot fix your situation. Guess what? if the female poster asks this same question and she is helping with MIL without support, we usually tell the female to leave the marriage. You might want the see a marriage councellor before hubby leaves you.

Wonder
You have two issues.

1. Whether to keep your husband and if you don’t

2. Whether you can keep his brother.

A wise woman said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”. Maya Angelou

None of us are perfect and perhaps you can forgive your husband for taking this stance but be very aware you will always have to deal with this side of his personality and won’t know when it will show up next. He wasn’t lied to. He uses you to tend his family but isn’t willing to do the same for your family. Not the partner you deserve. He will always be a problem for you.

If you thought like your husband, you would send him back to his mother.

During these very hot summer months your brother should be able to find work. As you say, he comes legal and with skills. There are plenty of people who do not think very fast yet are good workers.

I read up on hydrocephalic. As a person who oversees a special needs person, I don't know how your brother is going to get a job here. My nephew has physical problems that keep him from being able to work and I went thru alot to get him the help he gets. The only place he can work is for the ARC for special needs people. They do not pay minimum wage. I don't see where ur brother would make more than minimum wage which is not enough to live on.

Your brother maybe able to receive Supplimental Security Income (SSI).

"Some noncitizens can get SSI for up to 7 years. If your SSI payments are limited to 7 years because of your particular noncitizen status, we'll send a letter to you telling you when your 7-year period ends. We'll send another letter explaining your rights to appeal before we stop your payments."

I would go to your County Social Services and see what type of help he can receive.

Is your brother already here? Is he living with you?

I looked up the I-134A form. Since your H is illegal, did his income not count towards the sponsorship of your brother?

Where is your H in the immigration process? Does he get paid "under the table"? What does he do? Seems as if being illegal, that he's not in much of a position to dictate things to you.

You made a vow to your husband. You needed his agreement to bring your brother here to take care of him. Your husband’s needs should have come first if you valued your marriage.

Wonder,

On the practical side, there is a Hydrocephalus Association which could provide information and referrals to care. Peer support may be able to help with finding work and receiving (additional) training.

Call the helpline at (888) 598-3789 or email info@hydroassoc.org for "support, resources, and answers to your questions."

You made a huge mistake by not planning this out with the full agreement of your husband. You've just brought a third person into your marriage, and now your husband has rightly given you an ultimatum. It's not fair to him, nor is it fair to your brother. That's not how a marriage works.

Your husband may have threatened divorce in the heat of the moment. The way I see it, he needs you in order to stay in the country, so he might not be so quick to get rid of you.

If I was you I'd admit to all my own mistakes in handling this and see if some solution can be worked out. However, if he's adamant, then you get to make some decisions.

Wonder,

I am sorry that you are caught in the middle of this.

On one hand, I know that you would like to help your brother. On the other hand, you are married to someone who isn’t eager to help your brother.

It’s a sad situation all around. Your husband sees the writing on the wall if your brother doesn’t land a job. He is trying to prevent problems arising in your lives.

Yet, he allowed you to help his brother. So, what is the difference here? Is the problem due to your brother having a disability?

Was your brother steadily working moving here? Do you feel that he will be fine if he is able to find employment?

The fact that your husband isn’t here legally complicates matters too. Is he planning on becoming a citizen like you have?

Adding this comment...
Since your husband is not here in this country legally I doubt seriously that he will file for a divorce. that would place him in view of the legal system and may result in his deportation.

It's noble of you to want to help your brother.

Even though he may have worked in his home country, in the U.S. there are often requirements for certification of skills. That may include his field of air conditioning tech. In order to get certified so he can work in his field, he may need to take education courses, which could cost you money but not result in a job. One serious problem is that your brother's mental abilities may not be up to the task of learning what he needs to know.

In brother's country, people may be willing to talk a bit slower so that he can understand. In his language, that would be helpful. If his native language isn't English and he expects people to communicate slowly, that is a real problem. Added to his slow learning, he may not be able to become certified and get a job. I can understand your husband's concerns.

Add to that your brother's newness in a different culture. Most of us don't realize what a problem it is to adjust to a new culture. It's more than difficult because it requires ability to adapt, and some never do.

My qualification to comment about all this is that my friend had a hydrocephalic son that I watched growing up from age four. He was "slow" as you describe, but able to learn. Even though he was a US native English-speaking citizen, he never could get the hang of working and had to quit his first jobs of working at a food store and helping at a restaurant. He was then supported totally by his parents until at age 45 he had an accident (not responding quickly enough in traffic while he was riding his bike) and lives in an expensive care home where he will be until he dies. A relative of mine had brain damage; the Army rejected him when he tried to enlist and he spent his life stocking shelves in a drugstore, where he did well. An in-law had brain damage from birth; he got in the Army but they wouldn't keep him because of his "slow" mentality. He could not hold a job and died in a rehab center for treatment of alcoholism.

Also, I helped foreigners get a visa into the US, and they lived in my home for years. I sponsored them for eventual citizenship. They couldn't adjust to our culture and returned to their country and the miserable living conditions. I had an Asian daughter-in-law; she couldn't drive and couldn't get a job for a long time. Fortunately she is intelligent and speaks good English, and she is still here, though her difficulties took a toll on her marriage.

I'm pointing all this out because in order for you to make decisions, you need to take into account all the difficulties you are facing. The US has been good to you, but brother faces a long road ahead with many pitfalls. Brother hasn't paid into Social Security, which provides for citizens with disabilities only after they've paid into the fund through working, and they must work for years before they can draw on it. Free housing is not likely to be available to him. Others like him are homeless on the streets.

I wish you good luck.

So, here's my understanding - correct me if I'm wrong. Dwindling food resources prompted your mother to ask you to shelter your disabled brother in your home in the US. Not her or other family members who are also likely to be struggling to eat. Just your brother because he is the one with the greatest, immediate need. Your husband of 5 years, who is here illegally whereas your brother is not, wants to divorce you even though you helped provide for him when he got here from your country. He is upset because you are helping your sibling.

Your husband is being selfish and has forsaken his vows to you. I'd kick his butt right to the curb if he's that devoid of compassion and empathy. You are clearly trying to do everything right for your brother, while your husband is throwing in the towel at the first hint that he's not going to get his way. Let him. He's showing you exactly the kind of person he is. There is no hierarchy of "who comes first". Husband doesn't always come before sibling.

I do second the notion of reaching out to an immigration attorney, if your finances support it. Otherwise, you may have access to low-cost legal help through the county or state or even a local university.

Best of luck to you and your brother... I hope he finds his way forward.

Immigrants are not entitled to Medicaid and some other programs for 5 years. He cannot get disability here because you have to have worked here to get Social Security disability or be a disabled child of parents who worked here and are able to collect SS. Social Security is taken out of our payroll checks. We have to work ten years, at least, to receive it when we are 62 or up. So he cannot receive money from a program he nor his parents ever paid into. You or he will have to pay for his Medical for the next 5 yrs unless he finds a job here that gives Medical Benefits.

Housing, looks like he can apply. But what I know about HUD is they only take applications once a year and then it limited how many people will receive it. I would think a family would get a house or apt before a single person who has family they can live with.

More info from below “my husband is here illegally, me being the only one being able to go back home and help his family, take them clothing and first necessities, I also sponsored his brother, his brother is here legally because of me” So, your husband doesn’t want to provide for your brother, understandable. Brother should be given the opportunity to work successfully here. My bigger concern is that I don’t take well to being threatened, no one should. If your marriage means so little to your husband, especially in light of what you’ve done to help his family, that he responds to the idea of helping your brother with threats of divorce, then that speaks loudly to his poor character. I don’t suggest threatening him right back, though you could certainly do so with reporting him for being here illegally. Your husband isn’t someone I’d want in my life

It seems to me you and your husband are very different people.

It’s in your nature to give and help others. Your husband’s nature is only self interest. If it’s good him and his family, he’s ok with it, but if he has to help you and yours, he wants a divorce.

Answer these questions as honestly as you can. It may give you more clarity as to what you should do.

Are you willing to stop helping your brother to stay married? Yes/No?

If yes, how would you feel about yourself?

Will your husband divorce you if you can’t or won’t dump your brother? Yes/No?

If yes, how would you feel being divorced?

If no. it means your husband will stay married. Will he be happy in that marriage? Will you be happy?

When you reach the end of your life and you’re looking back, what would you rather have done?

Where is the rest of your family? (I mean in the US or back home?)

Would your husband give him 6 months to find a job and save money for an apartment or something like that?

Your husband is right. It is not his responsibility to provide for your disabled brother if he cannot work and support himself.

It is also not the responsibility of the American or European (I don't know where you live) taxpayer to provide for the disabled relative you decided to bring over.

The American government was starting to crack down on people bringing relatives to the U.S. then heading straight to the welfare or Social Security office the second they put a foot on American soil. Those days are done in the United States and rightly so.

Your mother should not have put you in such a position by sending your brother for you to be responsible for. You're young and should be making your life with your husband. Not your brother.

I understand your husband not wanting to support your brother.
I understand your husband not wanting you to support your brother if your income is used to pay for the household and for savings for you (and your husbands future plans)
At this point if your brother does not qualify for medical help here, if he can not work legally here the option is you will support him,.
I have to ask....did you discuss this with your husband BEFORE you discussed this with your mother and brother, BEFORE you brought your brother here?
If your husbands response then what it is now you knew how he felt and your disrespected his wishes / feelings.
YOU should have researched solutions and made plans BEFORE your brother came to live with you.

I am wondering if there is a huge cultural difference between you and your husband.

Most immigrant families I know feel a huge obligation to sacrifice to bring their relatives to this county, i.e. living together in crowd quarters until the family can afford a house, then moving in all together until the next couple can afford a house

Most folks who have been here for more than one generation don't see supporting relatives as an obligation.

I may be unclear as to how this works, but how can someone who just came here qualify for disability benefits? Subsidized housing? What's his visa status? Is he here legally?

You will need to show your husband that there are actual solutions in this country for your brother to live and work here and be 100% independent.

Sounds like your brother is awaiting a US work visa? Maybe consult with an immigration attorney to figure out the realistic timeline. He can be very delayed in getting a work visa. Then, if he isn't a citizen, is he ineligible for any social benefits/support? If he doesn't qualify for welfare or section 8 housing or food stamps or SSDI... this will become a financial problem. You say you will support him, but isn't your money also your husband's and visa versa? It is in my marriage, but I understand not everyone's is the same.

Your husband/marriage is priority over your brother. This doesn't mean you don't love your brother. Put yourself in your husband's shoes if the situation was reversed and he was spending time and resources on his sister then he became 100% financially responsible for her at the possible cost of your future? Life here in the US is getting very expensive, in every state. My son, who has a masonry business, can't get immigrant workers (who in the past have made up a large percentage of that worker base) because they are returning to their home countries due to the cost of living here.

Let us know if you've ever consulted with an immigration attorney so that we have more context for your situation and solutions you've explored.

Wonder96,
Thank you for your reply.
As an outsider, I think you love your brother a lot. You wanting to help him to have a better life is a noble and selfless thing. It does sound like your brother has marketable skills and training and can eventually be working and support himself. At 23, he is still young. given his mental health condition, he needs more time and support to achieve independence.

Your husband on the other hand doesn't want any part of this. He doesn't want to help your brother or you to help your brother. He only thinks of himself. His marriage to you means very little and it becomes disposable as soon as he feels he has to extend a helping hand. Is this an accurate description of his of character? If so, is this the type of person you want to be married to for the next 50 years or more? Can you count on him to stand by you to face the ups and downs that life will throw at you?

I am guessing here so please correct me if I'm wrong. Your husband is afraid that he would have to support your brother for life, and that's not what he signed up for when he married you. That's totally understandable. I would not sign up to support some stranger or relative for life.

What are your short and long plan with regards to helping your brother? What is your brother's plan for supporting himself?

So if he can work, and is probably eligible for some kind of disability assistance to live Independently, why the ultimatum?

Are you proposing to help Brother get situated and then step back and let him live his life or are you proposing to be his caregiver/guardian?

Caregiving strains relationships and takes a toll on a person's work life and productivity. Count the cost: the impact on your marriage, work-life, and health.

If Brother is mentally competent, why not connect him with disability services in your area and let him take care of himself so you can simply be his sister, not his caregiver.

No one can make this choice but you. You brought your brother here without the agreement and support of your spouse. I cannot blame him for his choice of a divorce. You brought your brother because, apparently, you feared for his life in his own country. I cannot blame you for that choice. The choice has been made by your husband; he wants a divorce. I do not understand what you can currently do about the fact your brother is here.
I cannot imagine, personally, being made to choose between my brother and my husband. I really cannot advise you, and I am afraid this difficult "Sophie's Choice" (if you saw the film) has to be yours.

Husband. Spouse always comes first unless it’s a minor child.