Able-bodied bro lived with our folks until late 30s, never paid nominal rent they requested or assisted w/house or errands. Got married to person with ?? motives, distanced himself from family for years and eventually ended up back at our mom's while trying to work on personal issues. Fast-forward 5 years, he's mid-50s and mom is 85, he is still living with her and has no plans - or $$ - to leave. He has a good job but claims the settlement related to his separation/divorce doesnt leave him with $$ to pay my mother any rent or get an apartment. My mother doesnt want or need the rent (at least doesnt need it right now) and has allowed him to stay so he can get back on his feet, but always thought it would be temporary and not for years. She is extremely independent, relatively healthy, drives and is active, and she doesn't expect much from him, but she gets frustrated with his assorted habits, hours and availability to assist. He has taken over rooms of the house which leaves no where for others to stay/sleep when they visit, which in turn gets other family members annoyed and feeling like second class citizens. We dont know who does his laundry, cooks, cleans his bathroom, etc...our suspicion is she does much more for him than she should and tons more than he does for her. He is not a quiet, courteous or gracious "guest" and it wears on her and others. Mother says to me and my sisters regularly -- and to him on occasion -- that he needs to move out. She has been very clear to her three daughters that she does not want him in the house once she no longer lives there and does not want him buying the house ever as she fears he will not keep it up and hurt the neighborhood (its our childhood home). He is not a devious or bad person -- and we all on speaking terms -- but he definitely feels a sense of entitlement relative to being there (as if he is owed the help), he plays the sympathy card relative to divorce, finances, some health issues, he seems to lack a sense of responsibility to assist when needed and gets very defensive if questioned, so its difficult to have a conversation on anything related to his residency, obligations and future. The siblings/daughters had come to accept that he will be there as long as our mother is in the house and figured if he isn't making much more work for her or taking advantage of her least there is someone around in an emergency. So the bar was set low in our minds relative to his residency, however, more recent turn of events revealed he was borrowing $$ and was not able or willing to assist in a prolonged emergency, so we are wondering if there is much value to him living there at all. We know it is ultimately our mother's decision so one sister and I (we are both POA and she is executor) mentioned to our mother recently that there needs to be some ground rules relative to his occupancy in the house and expectations need to be managed regarding his ability to stay there once she leaves (meaning moves or passes away). YES DEPRESSING TO DISCUSS. We suggested she speak to an elder care attorney about the legalities of the situation, his rights versus other siblings, etc., however, she says she doesnt want to make waves because he will get annoyed and irate and cant deal with his attitude. At this point we have gotten assorted recommendations related to local attorneys and may have the first convo without her and then report our findings to her. On one hand I feel like a bad sibling given he has had some bad breaks (many of his own doing), and on the other I feel like he has been taking advantage and needs to know it will come to an end at some point and he needs to be prepared and to cooperate. Thoughts?

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MEP1965 - The situation with your brother and your mom can feel so unfair and unjust.

But please put this in perspective. How would you feel if the situation happens to a nice neighborly lady instead of your mother? Would you feel so upset? Sometimes you have to distance yourself so you don't get too emotionally involved.

Your mom is the homeowner. Is she really wanted to kick her son out, she would have done so. Some parents, especially mother, can't bring themselves to be tough with their children.

Another point, don't expect that your mom treats all her children the same. Not possible. Parents show love differently to their children because each child is different. If you expect the same treatment, you will just be disappointed.

My recommendation: take cues from your mother. If/when she's ready to tell brother to move, then help her if/when she asks. Until then, just focus on your own life.

And if later on, she may decide to give the brother the house, don't be too upset. It's her house and she can give it to anyone she wants.

If it affects her later on, as far as Medicaid is concerned, you can inform her of the possible consequences, but let her make the decision, then let it go.

p.s. No caring mother wants to see her child fail and be homeless, no matter how old the child is.
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MEP1965 Mar 2019
Your last comment is something i was thinking about yesterday after i posted...we had an uncle (my moms BIL) who was a nice guy but had assorted issues with keeping a job and he got the family house and eventually became homeless and my dad always helped him and then my mother assisted (after my dad died) up until my uncles death. I know that situation probably weighs on my mothers mind and she fears it for my bro even though he drives her batty. Again...we just wish he would show the appropriate level of appreciation and consideration to her given all she is doing for him. THX
MEP, I would stay out of it. What bothers me is the borrowing of money. If mom is giving him money, if she needs Medicaid in the next five years, she will be penalized an amount equal to the gifts she gave bro.
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I am bumping you up, so someone will answer you.
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My mother babied my OB for years and years and years...and took out a 2nd mortgage to help him out. We did not know of this until time came to "downsize" the folks to an apartment or AL. He had scammed them out of over $175,000 (and back in the 80's that was a LOT. Also pawned all the silverware, coin collections, you name it-he took it.

As sibs, there was NOTHING we could do. Mother and Dad were of sound mind, so we had to let it go.

Looking back, we should have gotten a lawyer and gone after him. He did occasionally have money (always shady dealings) but he too felt entitled to EVERYTHING. We also should have had the financial guy look into this. We just assumed mother and dad would see through his stories of woe and trauma. He was a liar, thief and worse. Mom and Dad ended up having to live in a very small apartment that YB built on to his home. A solution, but not a happy one.

I would have had a lot of face to face talks with brother had I known he was doing this. We tend to simply believe family---and honestly? this wasn't my problem.

He's probably the favorite, too, right? THAT you can't fight.

You can be supportive of mom, all of you other sibs. However, IF mother won't support you in "making brother grow up" there's not a whole lot you can do.
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MEP1965 Mar 2019
He is not the favorite, the golden child, mamma's boy...nothing even close. Parents never played favorites unless you consider helping out or focusing on those most in need more than those that are self-sufficient as playing favorites. Maybe that's another definition of playing favorites. I imagine at first she thought if she didnt let him stay he would go back to a bad relationship. At this point I think she may worry without her help he would not have any palatable options for an alternative place to live. He maintains he has no $$ but if for 10+ years he has been able to pay for multiple storage units for collectibles and he has money...he just uses it for what he wants and expects others to assist when he falls short in other areas. My mother complains about these unnecessary expenses to her daughters but we are not sure she does to him and when we press her to do so or to let one of us do so -- given she should have some right to set ground rules for his continued residency -- she does not want to rock the boat. She has to walk on eggshells in her own home and its not fair to her or other family members.
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