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Growing up with my brother I was always a much better student. I was always better in many ways. This is not a boast and I never was condescending to him. On the contrary, I was always willing to be helpful and assist. But now as adults taking care of our frail father, my brother makes all the decisions and my input is not acted upon. I often get chastized, even mocked when I express my feelings or recommend something. Most decisions they make for my father are without my knowledge and I find out after the fact.


My brother and his family then treat me nice to my face and make me feel important by giving me chores to do for my father. They do these little tricks that I understand but I do not, and can not do. It's just not in my makeup I suppose. My brother and his family are very well off, much more so than most people. It appears they have this understated entitlement that allows them to treat me this way. In the past they seemed to treat me better when I had things "going on."


I know life is finite and I will do the best I can for my father but the way I'm treated by my brother, and his family, is not only bothersome, the outcomes of their decisions are not always good. They have gotten into arguments with my father over things they decided for him. God forbid if I get involved!


Does anyone else experience this? What are some successful strategies for giving me more control or at least make me feel that there's nothing I can do but do what I can for my father.

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I really feel for you as I am in a similar situation. My sister and brother in law are very wealthy and kept insisting that I give up my life and move in with my elderly mother. I kept refusing because it meant that I would have to move away from my family, give up my job and sell all my household goods. They told me they would pay for a 5 year visa for me to visit my daughter but in exchange for that I had to become my mother's carer. They travel a lot and said that I would be there then to care for my mother. I have given up everything as my mother does not want a carer or to go into a home. I feel so much resentment and anger and feel that they have taken such advantage of me.
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I don't understand this: "make me feel important by giving me chores to do for my father." Do you mean they assign you tasks? Or do they ask you if you can help your father out since they are paying for his care? If they are paying for his care, I guess the discussion is between them and your dad, but I agree it would be nice (but not necessary) to be consulted.
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I am really a bit confused here now, You say your brother or father has been paying for "service providers" for years. Why are you doing everything for your father? Why are they not doing things for your father? Why would they expect you to pay for expensive things if they already have in home care? If your father says you should not pay,, then don;t , and let the providers that are paid for do thier jobs! You say things were better when you "had things going on" get them going on again!!
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lisatrevor Mar 2022
I am not doing everything for my father. I am doing chores he can't, and keeping him well feed. It's very helpful and everything is fine except that the bigger important decisions I am left out of, completely. My brother and his family are in total control of that.

I know when I tell my brother that I would like to pay but it's too much right now there will be a blacklash. He'll probably shame me a little, huff and puff and then anytime in the future he hears or sees I spent any more than my basic expenses he'll give some grief, verbal or not. Certainly I won't be invited over for Friday pizza night the next few weeks. I'm looking at that as a good thing.

With the environment I am currently in and with covid it's been hard to "get things happening" like I have before. When I do have it happening again I'll certainly remember how I was treated and I'll spend my good time somewhere else.
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Seems like your dad made the decision some years past to allow your brother and his family to be his primary caregivers, and as dad gets older, his needs change. As do the situations of everyone else involved. A loose division of labor that worked then is no longer working.
Maybe it would help for you to do some brief work with a therapist who has focus on elder care challenges, to help you get a 'bigger picture' of this territory in general, and the dominant forces in your situation. Or a social worker who has experience in geriatrics...someone who can help you figure out what is health for you.
Your father's funds should be used for his care. If he mixed his resources and your brother's family's resources, it may not be clear exactly what is his...but in any case, your money is yours.
You need to set boundaries about what responsibilities you have for your father...and try to have some time that you and your father can spend alone. If your brother insists on telling you how to do the tasks that are your responsibility, ask him once to let you manage. Then, step back and let him and his family do it. Or the aides.
I think that your opinions probably are not being sought on a lot of decisions, and are not welcome if you volunteer them. I've worked in elder care management for years, but the sister who lives next door to mom is sure that I know nothing and am just trying to boss her around when I share an idea or resource.
I'm learning to keep my opinions to myself...reduces my sister's chances to try to shame me. Works for me. Nobody else is thinking about my health and happiness....my mother has always been a dependent person who allows others to tell her what to do, refuses to make decisions, and had is not a warm person to her adult children or adult grandchildren.
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lisatrevor Mar 2022
Thank you. I will set the boundries soon. The good thing is that while my father conludes with my brother and family about his care he knows when I am being treated unfairly. It's not unfair for anyone to judge me a certain way; it's unfair for them not to at least consider my input, which has proven to be very accurate at times. My brother's decisions are typically very good, but not always. Often when they aren't they involve a lot of wasted money and time, both of which they apparently have plenty of.
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Lisa, I think you're dealing with a dysfunctional family situation that has to do with caregiving, but also it's more to do with how your brother treats you. Did I get that right? I'm linking a helpful thread if you want ongoing support and space to vent. This thread we're on is fine, too, but the DYS thread is more focused support for those in dysfunctional caregiving situations.

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/the-caregiver-dysfunctional-families-149068.htm?orderby=recent

If you can't pay for dad's services, and that isn't what you 'signed up for,' then that's what you say and repeat to bro as often as necessary.
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lisatrevor Mar 2022
Yes, I will. Now I will face the backlash which I indicated might be a good thing in that it will keep me away from my brother for at least awhile. Not so much my father but even though he knows what's going on he'll still support my brother over me.
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Your dad chose to live with them correct? And apparently they are now paying for aides whom you couldn’t contribute to. And now they’re giving you a list and you sort of feel like a servant. Is this all correct.
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lisatrevor Mar 2022
No. My brother has been paying for service providers for years since my father moved there. That was expected and it was part of the reason for my father's move. No one gave me a to-do list; I do all my father's chores on my own accord but my brother makes all the decisions when it comes to anything important and/or financial. But now my brother wants me to pay for certain expensive services that I did not expect, that my father says I shouldn't take on because it was expected all along that I would not. I just want to be able to make decsions without being contstanly ignored or put down, even though those decsions would have been a good course to take.
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No one should attempt doing caregiving unless they also have POA for Healthcare and finances.

Doing it in the manner that your family has set things up leads to resentment, dysfunction and disaster.

If you can be trusted with the day to day caregiving, you can be trusted with the management of finances and and healthcare.

Resign your caregiving duties and let your brother hire help.
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Family dynamics can be difficult WITHOUT the added burden of caring for an elder. I would imagine that you have had some problems with family dynamics even when Dad was well? Am I right?
It is on each of us to simply do the best we can given that we are all flawed human beings with differing ideas of what might work best.
If you give us a specific question or incident we may have better input for you. Meanwhile I sure wish you good luck, and hope you will just keep on keeping on.
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lisatrevor Mar 2022
Yes there were some issues about control. When we got older there was an incident when dad was not feeling well and I said dad needed to go to the hospital and my brother belittled me and told me that dad just needed rest and he would take him to the doctor tomorrow. Well, the next day dad's family doctor said dad should have been brought to the hospital! Still dad favors my brother for everything that involves important decsions. I guess the fact that his family now has a lot money, mostly via his wife makes the perception that they are more competent. I feel like not telling anyone and moving to someplace warm!

I fully agree that everyone in trying situations just need to keep on keeping on. That can work literally miracles.
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