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I am her POA. My Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 2-1/2 years ago. She has allowed him to live here on & off. We have never gotten along & I don't trust him. He has never done anything to help and treated us like her maids when he did stay here

Last year, he pushed me and I ended up with a concussion for 2 weeks (I also suffer from chronic migraines). I wasn't blameless as I had looked at his email when itpoppedupon the computer. But he had NO EXCUSE to put his hands on me. I filed a Temporary Restraining Order to get him out of the house because I was afraid of him (always have been). He was always nasty, and abusive towards me.

He lied in Court, played with the attorneys' time (and cost my Mom A LOT OF $$$). We signed an Agreement (now a Court Order), and he refuses to follow it. It is not hard to adhere to. He is required to notify me 24 hours in advance when he wants to see our Mom (3rd party to be present),; he can't live here again; and can't have access to Mom's money. Today, I overheard her side of the conversation, and he was asking her for money. I no longer have an attorney and plan to have her placed in Long Term Care in the near future (he doesn't know). He's always verbally abusive towards me (and in front of our Mom IF he comes over), calls APS on me frequently and hasn't even seen Mom this year at all. He only calls her when he needs something (and always slams me when he talks to her, which causes her to be agitated).

What do I do? Can I call APS (right now there is a case pending re me from him) claiming I don't feed her and I leave her alone for long periods of time. I am trying to protect her against him, but she doesn't understand that. I appreciate other points of view because I'm stressed out enough, plus have a chronic illness.

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Thank you for all your wonderful suggestions. I wish I could block the phone, but my (former) attorney told me I cannot isolate her from him. However, he likes to call and tell her he's taking her out to lunch (which he knows he can't do) just to cause me stress. He is SO ANGRY that I tried to file charges against him when he hurt me (and I have a pending bill of $13K that I didn't go after him for, so he'd sign an agreement which I could use to protect our Mom). I've kept a log sporadically (it's hard when you have chronic migraines), if he pulls anything again, I may call Adult Protective Services to report him since it is a Court Order (If he can't make an effort to get along, then they will warn him to follow the Order at least (though I don't know if that is appropriate). The social worker is very nice & I'm going to ask her about it. My stress level is a 9. His name-calling (in front of her), trying to get money are considered elder abuse. But I want to do everything I can not to upset my Mom. She will be in are LTC within 4 months (which she will blame me for anyway) -- so why put her through that?
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You sound like you're really on top of it, so you may already be doing this – keep a diary. Record every interaction between you and your brother and record your observations about every interaction between your mom and him. Then, go on about caring for your Mom. Moving her sounds like a very good step. She's vulnerable to him and will be less so in a supportive living environment (not completely protected, though, so you'll need to stay on guard).
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Blocking her phone is considered isolation = Elder Abuse. He called the other day on my phone (accidentally) and hung up on me. He is only allowed to visit when a Caregiver is present. He signed an Order, yet refuses to follow the rules. Always brings up I'm bipolar and became addicted to Vicodin 10 years ago. I've saved every email because if I did do anything, he would get arrested for Contempt of Court. I don't want to fight - I have said time & time again, we need to put Mom first. But he is & always has been selfish & narcissistic (just like Mom). I won't put up with his B.S. and he knows it. But when Mom goes to care, I'm not telling anyone before or a few weeks later. I'm handling everything 100% now because he walked away, so I will not give him the courtesy of being in the loop.
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I understand your frustration . Focus on the solution and seperate yourself from your brother. I did from 3 of my siblings and am I glad. I took the suggestion people provided for me on this site and it has helped. just by knowing I am not the only one going through this. Bless you for caring for your mother

This site is amazing there is alot of good advice here from caring people.
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Block his phone number on the land line. Give him your 2nd phone number to call and only let him call you on it, bypassing mom). If he's violating the court order you can afford to be tough with him. Don't argue about it because that just inflames the situation. Set a date (monthly) that he can come with the 3rd party there and stick to it. It's up to him to come then if he wants to or not. Praying for you.
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Here, here, Sister. I feel your pain. I'm in a similar situation. Brother is 1,500 miles away. I see Mom & Dad every weekend and send him updates via email about what I noticed and anything else that may seem of interest. He continually disrespects me and, when we talk, he overpowers the conversation. To say the least, he's narcissistic and, in general, a womanizer. My husband has stepped in to let Brother know that disrespect is unacceptable and my husband threatened to settle the situation physically. Of course, Brother was offended and is demanding an apology. Husband and I have done nothing to warrant his continual disrespect.
When he comes home, he stays for several days and dismisses the 24/7 caregivers so he can have "quality" time with our parents. I find this to be absurd. I think it would be an excellent opportunity for him to spend time with the caregivers in order to get to know them better & personally and to observe how & when they step in to take care of our parents. Last time, he took it upon himself to bathe Mom four times during a 6 day visit, even though we have a scheduled, dedicated bather. He didn't bother with bathing Dad after he had a #2 accident. He just told him to take a bath.
I finally started going to a counselor to guide me through the pain and stress he adds to my already challenging care for Mom & Dad, such as overseeing the finances, helping Mom to get out of bed (she's sleeping between 16 and 18 hours a day), to meet with all of the caregivers to make sure we're all on the same page, and to listen & deal with the caregivers' individual needs, concerns & complaints.
I'm beginning to realize that I am probably the only woman that will not succumb to his demands and/or need to overpower, which usually start out as "we need to" - generally meaning he's "telling" me what to do. He's not here and doesn't really see the day-to-day even though he has opportunity to get the bigger picture.
Again, I feel your pain. It's possible a counselor familiar with aging parents and sibling rivalry could give you the support, guidance, and reassurance you need to continue with your dedication to your mother's care. I wish you well!!!
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Dear LEP627,
Try your very best to keep your thoughts/actions on yourself and your priority..mom. The more your brother bothers you the more you need to shower him with kindness/happy thoughts. This will KILL him. He knows how to push your buttons.... or "pull your strings". Give him different reactions then you usually do and watch him feel like YOU do....... no control, power, etc.
My heart goes out to you. My prayers are with you.
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Sandy: that's my plan'. I haven't said anything to my brother (he always hangs up on me) anyway). I really want to tell him to get over himself, but what's the *?
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Probably getting your mom into a LTC facility will end the stuff that is going on. Just make sure she is placed in a nice facility and don't do it in a rush just to eliminate all these issues with your brother. Just focus on her and her needs when choosing the facility.
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I haven't contacted Adult Protective Services ever. He does that because he is vindictive& narcissistic. I have suggested so many ways to resolve the situation so the priority is my Mom: counseling, mediation, making an effort to put the issue between us aside for Mom's sake (and in front of her); no s**t-talking about the other (I don't do this, but he won't stop). His own anger is more important to him than our Mom's health & well-being. Also, by not following the Court Order, he is breaking the law, which could get him arrested (also his unloading on my Mom is Elder Abuse. But since my case is still open with Adult Protective Services, I do need to protect myself. They want me to place my Mom (which I'm starting to get the info and am attending a class tomorrow). But given his vindictive & vicious actions in the past year, I need to protect myself. And I know he will pull something when I place her. I'm doing this 100% on my own, though we have caregivers 3x/week (and he could visit those days).
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Since your mom has Alzheimer's and you have POA I'm assuming that you have control over mom's finances. If this is the case, don't give your brother any money.

APS isn't there to be used as a weapon between siblings and it's not their responsibility to mediate in family feuds. Don't run to them every time your brother steps out of line. If you think your mom needs protection I suggest you look into guardianship. If the TRO and court order aren't effective take the next step. But first you'll need an attorney.
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