I am her POA. My Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 2-1/2 years ago. She has allowed him to live here on & off. We have never gotten along & I don't trust him. He has never done anything to help and treated us like her maids when he did stay here
Last year, he pushed me and I ended up with a concussion for 2 weeks (I also suffer from chronic migraines). I wasn't blameless as I had looked at his email when itpoppedupon the computer. But he had NO EXCUSE to put his hands on me. I filed a Temporary Restraining Order to get him out of the house because I was afraid of him (always have been). He was always nasty, and abusive towards me.
He lied in Court, played with the attorneys' time (and cost my Mom A LOT OF $$$). We signed an Agreement (now a Court Order), and he refuses to follow it. It is not hard to adhere to. He is required to notify me 24 hours in advance when he wants to see our Mom (3rd party to be present),; he can't live here again; and can't have access to Mom's money. Today, I overheard her side of the conversation, and he was asking her for money. I no longer have an attorney and plan to have her placed in Long Term Care in the near future (he doesn't know). He's always verbally abusive towards me (and in front of our Mom IF he comes over), calls APS on me frequently and hasn't even seen Mom this year at all. He only calls her when he needs something (and always slams me when he talks to her, which causes her to be agitated).
What do I do? Can I call APS (right now there is a case pending re me from him) claiming I don't feed her and I leave her alone for long periods of time. I am trying to protect her against him, but she doesn't understand that. I appreciate other points of view because I'm stressed out enough, plus have a chronic illness.
This site is amazing there is alot of good advice here from caring people.
When he comes home, he stays for several days and dismisses the 24/7 caregivers so he can have "quality" time with our parents. I find this to be absurd. I think it would be an excellent opportunity for him to spend time with the caregivers in order to get to know them better & personally and to observe how & when they step in to take care of our parents. Last time, he took it upon himself to bathe Mom four times during a 6 day visit, even though we have a scheduled, dedicated bather. He didn't bother with bathing Dad after he had a #2 accident. He just told him to take a bath.
I finally started going to a counselor to guide me through the pain and stress he adds to my already challenging care for Mom & Dad, such as overseeing the finances, helping Mom to get out of bed (she's sleeping between 16 and 18 hours a day), to meet with all of the caregivers to make sure we're all on the same page, and to listen & deal with the caregivers' individual needs, concerns & complaints.
I'm beginning to realize that I am probably the only woman that will not succumb to his demands and/or need to overpower, which usually start out as "we need to" - generally meaning he's "telling" me what to do. He's not here and doesn't really see the day-to-day even though he has opportunity to get the bigger picture.
Again, I feel your pain. It's possible a counselor familiar with aging parents and sibling rivalry could give you the support, guidance, and reassurance you need to continue with your dedication to your mother's care. I wish you well!!!
Try your very best to keep your thoughts/actions on yourself and your priority..mom. The more your brother bothers you the more you need to shower him with kindness/happy thoughts. This will KILL him. He knows how to push your buttons.... or "pull your strings". Give him different reactions then you usually do and watch him feel like YOU do....... no control, power, etc.
My heart goes out to you. My prayers are with you.
APS isn't there to be used as a weapon between siblings and it's not their responsibility to mediate in family feuds. Don't run to them every time your brother steps out of line. If you think your mom needs protection I suggest you look into guardianship. If the TRO and court order aren't effective take the next step. But first you'll need an attorney.