I am the only sibling that lives near my mother, who is 86. My brother lives hundreds of miles away. I have been the one looking after mum and sorting out her issues, and have a joint bank account with her since dad died 4 years ago. Now mum has advanced cancer, and due to my brother's personality he seems to think he can send me abusive texts over my so called failings. He is up here at the moment and between him and mum they have decided that she needs to get private caregivers. I wasn’t involved in this and suddenly went from someone that mum phoned numerous times a day to receiving no phone calls. Anyway I’ve been accused of not doing enough for mum, only doing it as I had to, not having any human compassion. As far as he’s concerned I don’t exist, that’s what he put in 4 abusive texts. The final sentence said neither me nor my husband would get an invite to mum's funeral. He’s also got mum to transfer her money to another bank account that I know nothing about and he tells relatives he has POA. I’ve sent his texts to relatives and they are finding it hard to believe that he has acted this way and sent these texts. He did the same when dad died 4 years ago. Abusive texts. This time he also swore at my husband and threatened to assault him. What do I do? He has banned me from dealing with the doctor, the hospital, her prescriptions and phoning the house or going to mum's house. Obviously he can’t do these things but he seems to think this is normal and he has this right. I’ve now blocked him and I am no contact with him. I see mum at the hospital when I know he won’t be there. Mum thinks the sun shines out of him. He is a bully and I don’t know what to do now or going forward when mum dies. I don’t want to be in the same room as him. I have taken mum to her appointments, shopping, got her prescriptions, taken her to the supermarket, everything. Now I’m the devil.

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doozie - you wrote: "Mum thinks the sun shines out of him."

She's the one to blame for the situation you're in.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to polarbear

Ah--we have twin brothers! Mine was SUPER controlling with mom, but he also had POA for her, and used it as the excuse for every decision he made. Actually, she never was deemed to have dementia, so his POA was kind of worthless.

Your brother sounds super controlling and dangerous. Since you don't have legal say--you will have to do something to prove brother is unhinged. I think GA made some great comments and I'd follow through.

This post serves as a warning to the rest of us to make sure our families know what we WANT, who we WANT to be our mouthpiece when/if the time comes.

Family is great until it isn't. Sadly, what you are going through is very, very common.

From one 'devil' to another.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Midkid58

He is dangerous and possibly unhinged. Keep the abusive texts in case you need to prove the progression of his anger. He has threatened to assault your husband, and you need to be prepared if he follows through. If you are around when he's threatening or showing any other abusive behavior, take pictures or video on your cell phone. And be prepared to call the police if he threatens anyone again. It's not just physical violence that counts when reporting incidents to the police. They will take into account verbal abuse as well. Please enter a contact number for the police in your phone right now so you'll be ready if necessary. I hope you stay safe.
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Reply to Fawnby

Please call Adult Protective Services to evaluate your mother's medical condition and what care is needed at this juncture. You might want to contact an Elder Law Attorney to advise you about Mum, her money and where there would be a POA document registered (to verify brother's involvement). If you get anymore threats, forward them to your mail box and save them, should you need to prove his intentions with the police for a "no contact" order.

Do not let your brother ruin your peace of mind with threats of any kind. She will need nursing care at the end when organs start failing; it is best to start visiting the cancer center to see a counselor about the process and your grief, if you haven't already. Glad to hear that you blocked him; hope your husband has too.
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Reply to ConnieCaretaker

So sorry but I am sure others will pop up that are in the same boat.

Why did you not have Mom assign you POA while you were caring for her? She seems of sound mind. I think you need to step back and take advantage of not being called on 24/7. This is how it is sometimes. The one doing all the work, usually the girl, gets no recognition of the work she does. Why...its expected. Women's lives and jobs seem indispensable. Not a boys. They do nothing but always the Golden ones. TG my parents appreciated me. My Dad even thanked me for doing for my Mom what my brothers never seemed important.
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Reply to JoAnn29

I would not block him as he will use this against you. You don’t have to answer his calls and I wouldn’t. Tell mom you need a break for a couple of weeks and she should call her son for her needs, You might want to talk to the hospital social worker and ask for her/his help including if she knows of a lawyer who will send your brother a cease and desist letter. You might as well ease into the legal system as it’s heading straight towards you. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to robert152

If the account was closed and a new account opened, he is either POA now or your mother is responsible. You may not be able to do anything about the situation.
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Reply to Becky04469
Jada824 Oct 1, 2022
The account also could have had all 3 of their names on it as co owners when he closed it. Anyone of the 3 of them could have closed it & opened a new one.

That’s what my sibling did and the bank told me it was perfectly legal
You and your husband should go to the local PD ASAP, with printed out texts reflecting the threatened assaults, and ask how to get a PPO (Personal Protection Order) and/or a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order) which is typically broader in scope.

In my area, the local county has a department which handles these emergency type restrictive orders. A judge signs, based on the petitions, (and in our case) w/o a hearing. The Sheriff or other LEO serves the order on the defendant.

This will at least keep him away from you.

You could also ask about getting the same kind of legal restraints on behalf of your mother, or ask the LEOs how to get this accomplished. I don't know whether a TRO could prevent him from reassigning and meddling with her assets; ask that of the LEO you see.

These kinds of threats suggest someone with mental impairment, anger issues, and danger to family.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to GardenArtist

Your brother is power hungry and greedy. The police won’t get involved in this saying it’s a civil matter and as long as your mother goes along with your brother’s wishes APS won’t get involved either.

It seems as if your brother is the golden child in mom’s eyes and this happens so often nowadays.

My brother did the same thing to me & even went so far as to take my mom to a lawyer to amend her trust 100% to him. I now have a lawyer trying to fight him using undue influence over my mom with dementia.

Let this be a lesson to everyone……do not do any caretaking unless you have medical & financial POA.

My sibling has forever ruined the relationship we once had. Best wishes to you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Jada824

I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm the sole caretaker for my father with 3 other siblings. 2 have done absolutely ZERO to help my Dad and one of those siblings is also the golden child. My brother. He hasn't lifted a FINGER to help my Dad - in fact, he hasn't even seen him in 7 years. But my father has always taken care of him, paid his rent. He hasn't held a job in 30+ years - simply lived off my Dad's meager wages. And all the while my Dad would make excuses for him - "he's sick...blah blah blah" etc. Let me tell you this - he's not sick. He just has mental issues and is afraid of working because my father enabled him all these years.

So now my Dad has dementia and has needed help the last 6 years and because I was the closest and because I actually DO care about my Dad, I've taken care of him. Cleaned his apartment, got him aids, moved him to assisted living and now moved him into a Nursing home. Luckily I'm POA. So I do control his assets and use them for my Dad's care.

But my golden-child brother demands he get all the funds that remain. He says "Dad wanted me to have his money." He even convinced my father when he had dementia to give him the passwords to his account so he could continue to essentially pay himself rent from my Dad's accounts when my Dad no longer had the faculty to say No.

So anyway what I'm trying to say is - I can sympathize with your plight! There are greedy evil people all over this world. I have even agreed to give all the funds left to my greedy brother because I don't want nor NEED my father's money. But yeah - my brother still is complaining that I'm spending too much on my Dad's care - that he doesn't really need it... He's absolutely insane.

Sorry didn't mean to make this about me but I did. Yeah - I mean all I can say is just keep doing what you're doing I guess. Without that POA you don't have a lot of legal recourse. You can just try and see your Mom when he's not there like you're doing. I suppose you could talk to a lawyer if you're not sure your brother has POA and if he doesn't, you could get POA. Also you can report people for elder abuse if you feel your brother is not doing his duty in caring for your mom - you'll need evidence of this.

Good luck - hang in there.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Delphi373

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