My brother-in-law (81) will not see a dr. about dementia. What can we do?

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His verbal abuse of my sister frightens us all. After a rage, he will sometimes admit he knows he has "a problem"/ his sister had Alzheimers + died 2 yrs ago/ his short term memory causes him to repeat himself/ both my sister + he are highly educated, retired professionals; consequently, he becomes belligerent if anyone even hints he might be doing anything wrong/my sister does not know what to do, except live with it/her family fears the abuse may turn physical, as he has shoved her in the past/he often threatens divorce/he will not see a dr. regarding any tests for Alzheimers, etc.

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My father refuses treatment as well and will only go to the doctor if the appointment is made and we are on the way. Since he knows he forgets things, we treat it like everyone was aware all along. I make the appointment and either my Mom or I go in with him (depending on the nature of the visit). Again he knows he has a problem but figures he is handling it okay. I went through a fortunately short period of agression but knew it came from losing his drivers license. I expect further developments as time goes on, since he takes no medication for it. How to handle it. If your father is developing alzheimers and he is very intelligent he realizes that by acknowledging the disease he has to admit he is getting older and he cant do the things he could before. This is possibly very frustrating and confusing for him and people react to these feelings in many different ways. (We are all invincible afterall arent we, I'll never get old right? That happens to other people) I have no specific solution but I found that by studying how the disease affects him, I can better understand him (his reactions) and know some things that I can do to keep myself sane and everyone else reasonably happy. Best of luck.
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When my husband refused to see a doctor with his memory problems. After a period of over a year. I finally had enough and I sat down with him and finally said if you don't see a doctor, I'm leaving! He sat there for awhile and asked where would I go? I just said I would find a place to go. He made a doctor appointment the same hour. I didn't really want to do it this way, but I was exhausted and worried.
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Thank you for these kind and wise responses!
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Does he drink alcohol. That often causes rages when an alcoholic goes over the line.
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We discovered a MD who makes house calls
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Maybe he just needs to have a medical workup to determine if he has anything physical going on such as low functioning thyroid or depression. You can't drag him there, but you can encourage him to go, don't mention dementia Instead focus on medical reasons -that may be easier for him to accept. If his wife feels in danger, then she needs to leave the home until he calms down.
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My husband also was a verbal abuser & I lived w it even tho suggested to go to counsler. My spouse always felt we could solve our own problems. Well he started repeating same things noticeable to our grown children & when I asked a question he"d say I don"t remember so...made a Dr apt w family Dr who ran him thru tests & said it seems just getting older symptoms. Relieved our son who was w us. We were going on a cruise so Dr said I can prescribe Aricept if you want. He did & of course saw no chgs but followed up w Neuroligst whose father had alz. She tested him & was mild Cognative dementia now 7 yrs later alz. Our son askd Neur if there was something she could give him for verbal abuse & she prescribed citalopram. Turned a lion into a lamb. As far as getting him to a Dr the physical might be good way or he thinks its for you & he goes w you but really for him. Dr would have to be in on that one. The verbal he could maybe test both of you to get his answer. I have learned no comment ends all abuse. Took me a long time to learn. Everybody if alz is different. My husband,, well educated, seems to have the slow one. 8 years we noticed a difference. He sleeps 15 plus hrs a day. everything functions but slower. He loves puzzles so I keep now 100 pcs & he loves them. No frustration for too big a puzzle like he used to do. Read 36 Hr Day book & anything else to keep ahead of what could happen. Pray a lot. Men's worst enemy is PRIDE
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My husband also was a verbal abuser & I lived w it even tho suggested to go to counsler. My spouse always felt we could solve our own problems. Well he started repeating same things noticeable to our grown children & when I asked a question he"d say I don"t remember so...made a Dr apt w family Dr who ran him thru tests & said it seems just getting older symptoms. Relieved our son who was w us. We were going on a cruise so Dr said I can prescribe Aricept if you want. He did & of course saw no chgs but followed up w Neuroligst whose father had alz. She tested him & was mild Cognative dementia now 7 yrs later alz. Our son askd Neur if there was something she could give him for verbal abuse & she prescribed citalopram. Turned a lion into a lamb. As far as getting him to a Dr the physical might be good way or he thinks its for you & he goes w you but really for him. Dr would have to be in on that one. The verbal he could maybe test both of you to get his answer. I have learned no comment ends all abuse. Took me a long time to learn. Everybody if alz is different. My husband,, well educated, seems to have the slow one. 8 years we noticed a difference. He sleeps 15 plus hrs a day. everything functions but slower. He loves puzzles so I keep now 100 pcs & he loves them. No frustration for too big a puzzle like he used to do. Read 36 Hr Day book & anything else to keep ahead of what could happen. Pray a lot. Men's worst enemy is PRIDE
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I would suggest if your sister feels threatened by violence she should contact her local police but stress to them what she feels the problem may be mentally, that way they have an idea of what they are dealing with when they show up. Also, if you still check back on this site, like one person said, maybe say the doctor's are now requesting their patients for a regular schedule physical once you reach a certain age. And both of you go, the doctor should be able to tell by speaking with your brother-in-law that he might have issues and request some further testing. this way it lets your sister off the hook. Maybe she could contact a support groupt to discuss what issues she is up against for some ideas and help. *And just because some people on here seems to be heartless in their answers doesn't mean we are all like that. Sometimes when they give answers they are under stress themselves (like ignoring the problem) or insuating your sister is a trigger for him.
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My father, also a brilliant man, went through these same episodes in the beginning of his dementia. We had to do an "intervention" where we removed my mother for two days and all of us (his children) together confronted him. It was horrible. We finally got him on medication and the anger episodes lessoned. It has been 6 years now. My parents are living together in assisted living and he is still quite a handful but no longer violent. You have a long hard road ahead. Others, who responded here, may not have any compassion for what you are going thru but you are not alone.
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