Follow
Share

I feel I am not being paid enough for his care and housing. My brother in law is power of attorney and has decided what he thinks 24/7 care is worth. I do not want to be tied down for 1000 a month. My father in law has enough to pay more but with advanced Alzheimer does not handle his own finances. Would not mind job so my husband can have his dad home. 4 children and no help. How do I get him to pay?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
We paid relatives about $2600/mo and I think that was a bargain. A nursing home would have started at about $8500 plus additional expenses. Maybe your BIL should take a look at what it would cost if you just can't do it anymore and realize that it's worth an ante up to keep you happy.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

let that ignorant cokesacker fill in for a few days. my sister has been relieving me a few days a week so i can lay stone and shes developed an hell of an appreciation for the job that im doing with old mad max. ( mother )
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Advise as many others have, call around and get some quotes from facilities. My experience this year was that a very nice memory care shared room accommodation was $4300/mo with $3K deposit. That included most everything with meals, assistance, activities, a few outings, etc.

Mom wanted to stay in her home, so I got nursing care 24/7 thru an Agency at $20/hr which was about $13K/mo. That wasn't a long term solution because of the cost.

Point is, caregiving costs money. The family always wants what's best for the most part and thinks they can do it better themselves and less expensively. For many, that may be so, but I think most will agree that aging parents get more elderly and increasingly require greater levels of care especially if dementia and ALZHEIMER'S are involved. It is very hard on the family, especially for those with children still at home. Although everyone sacrifices, it's usually one primary person and the children who suffer when grandma/grandpa tires the parent out, or events are missed, sleepovers squelched, etc.

At the very least, get an agreement formally prepared outlying duties, responsibilities, expenses, room and board, vacations, fees, etc. and have the family mtg. Build in expense for outside caregiver assistance at least a few hours a week to give yourself a break or time to attend to other family activities away fro FIL.

Look into an escape plan for when your FIL requires more skilled care than you can provide and plan for a facility that can meet those needs. Everyone needs to be on board.

We will all be in this boat as we age, we need to plan and understand the commitments and costs involved so we don't burden our own families or take advantage of loving well intentioned family members.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

First of all I have to ask where in the heck is your husband and why is he not speaking up? You said this is your father in law therefore it is your husbands father and the father of the POA correct? Okay it normally costs about $25 per hour for a paid caregiver, however if you are willing to hire a person with less "experience" or their primary language is not English you can find someone for about $12 an hour in California.

If i were you here is what I would do....
1. Call a couple facilities and ask for info on each of them and ask that they mail this info to you along with fees that would be charges if your FIL were placed there.
2. Call a couple of agencies or caretaker agencies and ask for info, like do they charge a 4 hour minimum to come and help, and get their fees and have it mailed to you.
3. Tell your husband you MUST have a sit down meeting with him and lay out all the information you have obtained. Place it in a notebook and make it VERY EASY TO UNDERSTAND. Then tell your husband that you want him to get on the phone and call Mr POA and lay it out to him that facility care costs X number of dollars, in home care costs X number of dollars.
4. Both you and your husband need to tell Mr POA that he can either pay you X number of dollars or word it differently that he needs to contribute X number of dollars to your household or he will need to move his father to one of these facilities or to his home and he can pay someone to come in and care for him in his home. Make sure you send him a copy of the notebook so he can see for himself what the costs are.

This is just like asking for a raise at work, you need to show him why you are worth more money. The thing is, if you have not already begun doing this you need to really think about it! This is extremely HARD work, physically, mentally and emotionally and it will take a toll on your marriage and your children. So if you are only doing this for a paycheck, do not do it.....you will be sorry.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

iwaitr, I confess I didn't read every single post before this one since my attention span is that of a gnat, so I apologize if this is redundant. Having said that, ask your brother-in-law to check into how much it costs for a regular memory care facility. Then decide from there how much more you should be paid. How much of the things are you already doing for your father-in-law that would be done at a memory care place? Bottom line is though, you're not POA. The brother-in-law who is, is watching his father's money disappear and is probably thinking there won't be any left for him. Hate to say that, but many times it's true. He DOES need a wake up call though, in just how much faster dads money will be leaving, if he lived in a facility.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Also, take the 12K you earn and divide it by 2,080 hours (what you work in a 40 hour work week x 52 weeks a year) and look at what you get. Now to piss you off even more, divide the 12K by 24 hours a day x 7 days a week x 52 weeks a year. Now go and kill your brother in law, just kidding. Sort of .
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Also, KathrynWatson, I like your answer about the POA. My brother has all POA's, on checking accounts, executor of will, everything. Me, I am on nothing. But I am the one who is retired, lives in sunny Florida with a nice one level house, across from a nursing home. But I have "0" power. So Mr Big Shot will do all the work because like you, Kathryn, I will not be asking my brother for money for me to take care of our mother. As I told him, 50/50, or 100/0.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Amen to 99.9% of the advice given, especially Chicago1954. Great advice
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I know an elderly person receiving around the clock care, in her own home. Her healthcare workers are professionals. It costs her $11,000 per month.

So, yes, you need a raise. I pay my Mother's POA (medical) $500 per month and in our case Mom is in a nursing home. But, I am not close and someone has to see about her and run the errands and do the paper work.

If I were you, I would resign and give the men 2 weeks to find someone to come in and take care of their dad. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

When we decided to move my mother in law to be closer to us my brother in law wanted to maintain power of attorney. I refused. I told him that if we were taking care of her we also had to have control over how the money was spent. I will not be begging for money every time we need something for her care. My mother in law does not live with us at this time but I know it will be coming down the road. With us in charge of her finances I will be able to get the help I need to care for her and keep my sanity. If there is money available tell your brother in law you need a caregiver 3 or 4 days a week to help. Interview a couple of companies and let him know what the cost will be. Stand your ground.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Was your brother-in-law supportive and appreciative of this plan in the first place? Were other arrangements considered and costs and benefits of all compared? If so, there should be some facts and figures to look at and determine an answer to your question. A few years ago, I gave up a moderately well-paying job with good benefits to take on the care of my MIL with severe dementia, and moved into her home with her in a neighboring town, for the last two years of her life. The only alternative was a nursing home. I was paid $1,500 a month, which was less than half of what I had been earning. My husband and I still had bills to pay, which my former salary had gone a long way towards paying, so it would not have been possible to have done this for no pay. My husband has only one sibling, who lives out of country, and who has been no help the past several years with his parents' care. I think it's counterproductive ridiculous to tell someone, as one commenter here has, that "most people don't get paid anything in these situations"; it demeans the role of the caregiver and often pauperizes the person providing the care. Providing one-on-one care for a loved one, in their own home or yours, and keeping them well cared for and comfortable -- priceless. If the brother-in-law, as POA, does not see the value of what you're doing, and you can't or don't choose not to do this for your current pay, perhaps he needs to take on responsibility of other arrangements.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

kdcm is suggesting a good plan, however YOU Consulting an elder care attorney it's just more out of pocket expenses for YOU! I'm not trying to cause trouble however it seems that this is you doing all the work for your husband's father and your husband's brother is slighting your family financially. Pardon me but where is your husband in all of this? Why isn't he standing up for your rights and the rights of his immediate family. Is he in denial about this or not seeing your assistance is valuable? I thank you need to get him on board.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

consult with an elder-care attorney, who will advise setting up both a caregiver's agreement and an agreement of room/board. The CG agreement will state exactly what you will & will not do, the hours you will be paid for & how much per hour, when you will NOT be caring for your FIL, the paid outside assistance for when you aren't caring for your FIL, exactly what that person will & will not do, and the rate range for said help. The room/board agreement will state exactly how much money will be paid to your household for your FIL living with you and what that will cover. Additionally, the attorney will advise you what to do if (when) your brother in law refuses to pay what the care is worth. If your father in law has the money then you should be paid for what you're doing. I am sure your BIL is being paid to handle the finances. good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

We we're under a court conservatorship and had a personal aide who was paid by court authority $2600 per month for 9 hrs per day M - F and 8 hours on Sat. I was the live-in 24/7/365 for room and partial board (about 1/2 of my food) but no other monetary remuneration. Just so you could see the inequity. You should be able to ask you for an accounting to see if what you're being given is reasonable based on the funds he has.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My mother lives with us and I draw $500 a month for "room and board". I don't consider it pay. $1000 a month sounds good to me, but every situation is differnt. Like last poster said, perhaps having him contribute to living expenses might make everyone happy?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Caring for someone with Alzheimer's is such a challenge. It's a whole other level of caregiving in my opinion. Most people who are caregivers to a family member don't get paid. What is a job like that worth? You can do some research and find out how much, say, a nurse is paid but nurse's pay is also based on administrative work that is required for the job and having to care for multiple patients, sometimes 8-9 people a shift. A nurse is also responsible for his/her CNA's or technician's and that's factored into his/her pay as well.

You could also call a nursing agency and find out what they charge for live-in help and base what you think this situation is worth on that.

Does your FIL live with you? You mentioned housing....Does your FIL's income contribute to the household? If not, it should.

Has your FIL moved in with you yet? If so, did you agree to $1,000/month? I'm wondering if you agreed to it and then realized that it was a much bigger responsibility than you anticipated.

Bottom line, I'd grab it if fighting for more money is going to cause problems in the family. Most of us don't earn a dime taking care of our loved one 24/7.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.