My older brother is emotionally abusing my elderly Mom. What can I do?

I'm surprised that someone from APS told you your mother had to call. In my experience they are obligated to investigate potential abuse calls whether the alleged victim calls or someone from the family calls.

I would call them back and clarify this - it doesn't sound right from what I've read here as well as from personal experience.

Jenna, could you not go and get her? Make a vacation of it for her, that kind of thing. It's just to give her a breathing space (and if she happens to feel like checking out those SLCs while she's at it, that won't hurt either).

I have asked my Mom to stay with me and she always says no. It's a very long drive and she said she couldn't handle it. Right now my Mom is able to drive very short distances to buy food and go to her doctors. She has told me she knows she won't be able to drive in the future as she gets older which is another reason why she wanted me to move in with her (I would be a good caretaker opposed to my brother).

I also suggested that she sell her house and move where I am (there are great senior living centers near me) so I can take care of her and spend quality time with her. She goes back and forth with that question. She once said to me she wants to die in her home.

So I am at a loss. I feel helpless that I can't help my Mom. A couple of years ago I did call up Adult Protective Services after my brother attacked my Mom verbally where my Mom was really shook up. They told me that my Mom had to call about my brother, not me which she would never do.

It is very, very sad. My brother has 3 adult children (who have nothing to do with him as they are close to their mother - my brother's ex) and he should go live with one of them.

What a terribly sad situation, Jenna - wretched for your poor mother, but also fraught and unhealthy for your brother too. I like AKD's suggestion of her getting a break from the stress, if you're able to have her to stay for a short while? It might be chance for her to get some perspective and maybe come up with a plan that's better for everyone.

If your mom is still competent to make her own decisions there is little that you can do. Could you offer to have her come to your location for a visit? Maybe if she is with you for a week or two she would tell you what is going on and you could better evaluate the situation. She may not want to sell her house because that would mean that her son would no longer have a place to live. It wouldn't be the first time that an elderly parent put one of their children's needs ahead of their own. In the meantime, you could research some alternatives for both your mom and your brother so you are ready in case things get worse.

Hi Countrymouse and Pamstegma, thanks for your replies. My brother moved in with my Mom after his divorce where he had to sell his house, over 10 years ago and he lives rent-free even though he gets a large check every month for disability. He himself is sick with heart problems and diabetes. Thus my Mom is an enabler and won't ask him to move out. If my Dad was alive he would have kicked my brother out a long time ago.

Anyway, he yells at my Mom most of the time (not just when I am talking with her on the phone). I believe years ago he stole money from her as well. He is definitely not a caregiver because he doesn't help her at all. Just last week my Mom called me and told me she had pain in her head and asked my brother to take her to the ER and he refused. I called up 911 to have an ambulance take her as I got scared that she was having a stroke. She refused to go and I found a neurologist near her and she went to that app't. Anyway, doctor thinks it's all stress related and I know where the stress is coming from.

My Mom hides in her bedroom to avoid my brother and only comes out when she feels it's safe. There are many times I hear the stress in her voice and I ask her if my brother started yelling at her again as she is afraid to tell me.

I really don't want to move there as I know my brother is capable of physical violence (he has attacked me in the past) and I don't want to live in a stress-filled environment. I help my Mom a lot from where I live finding her doctors, ordering her movies she wants, etc. Little things but it means a lot to her.

JennaRose, how did it come about that your brother is living in your mother's house? Did he just never move out, or has he moved back to be her caregiver?

Interesting, does he only yell at her when you are talking to her? Unfortunately some mothers stir the pot and keep siblings fighting among themselves. It gives them a sense of control. Try not to take the bait. If she complains about your brother, change the subject. If she asks you to move in, change the subject. Keep yourself on neutral ground. Ask her about clothes, cooking, shoes, the weather, anything but stuff that starts the yelling.