My older brother is emotionally abusing my elderly Mom. What can I do?

Update: After talking to my Mom for months she finally received different opinions from real estate agents and is signing with one soon to sell her house so she can live with or near me.

Anyway, my Mom is very upset because my brother has been threatening to put her away. He told her that she has lost her mind. My Mom has been calling me every 5 minutes and she is really scared and I assured her that my brother can't do that.

Am I correct that my brother can't put my Mom somewhere? I'm very upset right now for my Mom so if I'm not making sense please forgive me.

P.S. I did call APS and a lady came over twice already. Nothing happened. I guess verbal abuse is hard to prove and my Mom is scared to tell this lady anything.

Thanks,
Jenna

So now I know… thank you! :)

Hi Countrymouse,

A flight nurse is actually a nurse who flies on what's known as a life flight. Life flight is through some hospitals who are equipped with such a service. A life flight is basically a flying ambulance but for the critical patients. Life flight crews often consist of one or two pilots, a flight doctor, and a flight nurse. My foster sister was a flight nurse on a life flight in her area. She since retired from being a flight nurse because her body could no longer take the physical demands. She still works at the same hospital but in another department

Nursing notes become a legal document and should be spelled accordingly.

Countrymouse, you are so funny!! A flight nurse in the US is usually assigned to helicopter rescue. Look at osflifeflight.org for a description of the very advanced training they undertake.
vstefans, good call. If it types like a troll, it's a troll.

And please don't tell me it's a nurse who goes on flights, or I really will feel a fool.

Forgive my ignorance, but what is a "flight" nurse?

I had shared in a private post that we'd had some problems with people saying they were nurses who weren't, and though someone who is a care aide might actually be wonderful, there is a chance that because they call themselves a "nurse" people end up thinking they are dishonest and trying to pull one over, so I really did fear that could happen to the poster who spelled way too phonetically, even medical words and not just the things you'd expect from autocorrect but "bin" for "been" and "beeton" for "beat on." I'm fine with being wrong on that, and I did my best to produce a good run one sentence here as a way of agreeing. :-)

RareFind, I do understand; we have a lot of medical people in the family as well - 2 aunts, my sister and now my niece. My sister and niece are invaluable for providing not only insight but advice beyond what doctors and nurses are able/willing to give.

I'll usually call my niece before I call a doctor!

GardenArtist, I was just giving a little bit of insight and how things work when you have a nurse in the family. Remember, my foster sister is my foster sister who happens to work at a hospital. Therefore, there will not only be a close network, but there will also be outsiders. This is generally speaking and I'm again simply giving insight.

RareFind, VStefans IS in the medical profession. She's NOT an outsider.

Unless you have actually heard this first hand I would be careful. I know my mother started to say I was mean to her. True, I didn't want her to carry things downstairs - I wanted her to hold on to the railing. True, I did not want her to use a q-tip - she had a cochlear implant. True - I did not want her to have 2 cups of black coffee at 9:30 pm. She spoke to people about how I treated her - couldn't tell them what just that I was being mean. Also, understand it is just plain hard to get old and often frustrations are taken out on those that provide the most care.

vstefans,

My foster sister is a retired flight nurse who now works in another department of that same hospital. She writes practically the same way you're describing. It doesn't discredit her position or any other person who happens to be a nurse. Because of the job you don't have always have time to be prim and proper in your writing when all you have time to do is take notes in a life threatening situation on a call that you're on. When you have a nurse in the family, you learn to see past the writing errors because run-on's can actually be pretty common. Again, this does not discriminate a person's knowledge and experience as a nurse, especially where life flight careers are involved. It will be hard to understand until you either have one in the family or get to know one some other way. Another thing to expect with a flight nurse is that they tend to talk a little fast and even cut in on you. This is a sure sign that person is or was probably on a trauma team because that's what they do when dealing with a patient even in the ER where lots of chatter is pretty common among multiple workers working on a patient. This is something to get used to when you have a loved one in the profession. Yes, having a loved one in the profession comes with your ability and willingness to adapt and accept that loved one the way they are, run-on's and all. This is just part of the job and what they do when they must take notes and be quick with everything they do. Yes, everything is very fast-paced, there's off the no time to slow down in this particular profession. This is something that outsiders just need to learn to except and adapt to when they have a lump one in the profession.

VStefans, good call.

ELLY, talk to the hospital social worker and tell APS what you have told us. Involve police - consider moving - do what it takes to protect yourself too.

Now - not to be mean, but your writing is very run on and misspelled in ways a nurse (RN) would not do - if you are a care aide, nurses' aide, or other health care professional, that is an entirely honorable profession in its own right, and it would be best not to misrepresent yourself as a "nurse" because it could backfire and make you less credible to the people you are going to need to help you and your mom.

So sorry you and your family are in this spot, and I genuinely hope you find help and can get your mom cared for properly.

What I'm starting to suspect is that if your mom isn't going to turn to APS for help, you may have to do it anonymously. Give them as much information as absolutely possible and any videos you have. If he's taking advantage of her financially, I'll definitely share that with APS.

Iv got a very hard situation my mother livers with my 87 year farther and a very abusive brother her is claiming cares allowance for her to look after her he want let me see her as he is a drug addict he tried to invol my sun in his deeling and rang the police he has beeton me and my son and his x wife and bin arrested meany times to cut a long story short my mother has bin taken in to hospital with phumonia malnutrition dehydration she told me hasn't bin out the house in 6 years or had a bath in 5 years she looks so unkept so frail and confused I'm a nurse and to see her it's really upsetting I have tried over the years to help her but fear for my life I don't want her to go back to live in that house what can I do

I don't think that video sounds like my Mom is abusing my brother, she was being honest because my brother's children want to have nothing to do with him. She called my brother's eldest years ago and begged him to take his father but he didn't.

Anyway, my Mom won't tell APS she wants him out because even though she "knows" he is abusing her she wants him to live in a place where he will be secure for lack of a better word.

I'm thinking of getting a cam set up so I can have the video's for when I'm not there. My Mom told me this morning that my brother gave it to her again and told her how much he hates her and have always hated her. He called my Mom a mental case and other names yet he has no problem sponging off of her for over 15 years.

I'm really worried about my Mom as yesterday she kept drawing blanks and this worries me. I know she is 90 and it saddens me that she is suffering from dementia. We have discussed (which she is agreeable to) her selling her house and moving to me where I can take care of her.

The only way my Mom will tell APS the truth is if they tell her that my brother will be living in a good place but I don't think that's how APS works???

Thanks, Jenna

harryjane, I think you can call the law and have him restricted or put in jail, as long as your mom would tell the truth about how he is treating her, unless you are talking about just occasional losing his temper or expressing frustrations, and otherwise giving her good care. Maybe she is failing because she is failing and maybe she can't outings - ask yourself whether he is really mre of a plus or a minus, and if he is trying to be a good son, encourage him to get more education on caregiving.

That particular video sounds more like your mother abusing your brother, to be honest.

All the same. APS will certainly be able to assist your mother if *she* tells them she wants him out.

I agree with you that any one of the many people you mention could have reported the abuse. The ER nurse, in fact, will have had a professional duty to do so - but the thing is that, again, she probably didn't because she couldn't be personally sure that it was true that your brother had outright refused to take your mother. Still, she'll have made notes. It all helps.

That's good to know they will remove him from the house. My brother states he is manic depressive but I think he is bipolar. He takes meds but in my non-medical opinion they are not the right meds.

As far as my Mom getting an evaluation, what kind of evaluation? She is the one who is showing serious signs of dementia and I think that's because of her hardening of her arteries and her high blood pressure.

Also, when I was there I video recorded my brother and I have a video where my Mom told my brother to move out and go live with one of his adult chldren and then my mother answered herself saying "oh, your children don't want you either"...

I wonder if my video's of my abusing brother can be useful to APS??

Thanks, Jenna

JennaRose, yes they will remove him from the house, but chances are they will also take her to a hospital for evaluation. It sounds like your brother may have some issues himself, whether it is dementia or just burnout remains to be determined.

First, yes, my brother knew I was taking my Mom to the ER. Secondly, I told the nurse in the hospital that I drove 6 hours to take her to the ER (in private) because my brother refused and the nurse was shocked about my brother. So maybe that nurse could have called APS.

Also, my Mom rented out her basement apartment and I know the tenant hears my brother screaming at my Mom all the time as years ago I lived down there and I heard everything that went on upstairs.

Last but not least my Mom is friendly with her neighbors and one neighbor was recently inside my Mom's house to help her with her furnace and my brother kicked him out. I talked with the neighbors and they all know what's going on. Maybe I'm being stupid but I think anyone could call APS, not just me.

I have no idea how APS works, I know they investigate but can they remove my brother from my Mom's house?

Thanks again,
Jenna

Yes, you can remain anonymous. I had to report something else to APS as well, and I requested to remain anonymous and it was granted.

Jenna, you can make an anonymous report to APS, yes. If you ask them not to disclose your identity they won't. But no doubt your brother will draw his own conclusions, won't he. I don't mean I think it's a bad idea to get APS involved, but if you're hoping to do it in secret? Probably the thing to do is to ask APS for advice.

Um. Did your brother know that you were taking your mother to the ER?

Went to visit my Mom 3 weeks ago and I'm still upset over the way my brother treated my Mom and myself. I drove to my Mom's house because for 3 days she was complaining of shortness of breath (she suffered one silent heart attack and is 90 years old) and she asked my brother to take her to the ER which he didn't. So I drove 6 hours, rested, slept and the next day I took my Mom to the ER. The doctors were great and we were there a long, long time as they did many tests on her and released her. As she was there her blood pressure went down and they said her heart was okay.

As soon as we walked in the door of my Mom's house my brother started screaming at my Mom and then he started to scream at me. I don't remember what he said to my Mom because I went into shock that he would even do that after my Mom spend so many hours in the ER.

He told me to get out of the house and I reminded him that it was not his house. He has these illusions that everything belongs to him as many years ago my Mom bought a store to give my brother work and when he messed that up by attacking me physically he no longer had a job. He then took my Mom to court because he believed the store belonged to him which it never did so of course he lost.

Anyway, I left that night as my Mom as well as myself became really scared of him and because it was very late I was too tired to make a long drive. I slept in a hotel.

I am now ready to call APS and a friend told me I should remain anonymous so my Mom doesn't get upset and so my brother doesn't get violent against my Mom. I'm really nervous about this but my Mom's health is getting worse with really high blood pressure and now dementia is setting in. I did some reading and read that stress can cause dementia to set in faster.

Also, before I forget when I was there my Mom asked my brother to move out and he laughed. He was on his phone with his friend (he only has one friend, he lost his other friendships because of his behavior) and he told his friend that my Mom has been asking him to move out at least 50 times. I suggested to my Mom to tell my brother that if he doesn't get out she will take him out of her will and her reply to me was she was scared he would get violent toward her.

He is really killing my Mom with all his yelling and abuse and I am so scared for my Mom. I can remain anonymous right?

Thanks, Jenna

What you can consider doing is bringing your mom home with you on a mini vacation. While she's with you, you may want to consider getting a lawyer and getting guardianship over her. If you tell the lawyer that you're sitting emergency guardianship due to the potential for violent physical abuse, that right there should start the ball rolling in your favor. All you have to do is tell the lawyer that your mom is being abused and that there is a strong potential for possible violence, especially if there's been a past history of violence against you. It makes me think that from everything prescribed, that the abuser was most likely the cause of the divorce. Take it from a survivor, abusers are always the cause of divorce. Since you can't abuse his wife anymore, he's now turned his rage toward your mom, and this is exactly how abusers operate.

Do you mind if I ask what you're on probation for? The reason the question is relevant is that it might or might not affect how outside authorities will view any appeal you might make to them for help and support for your mother.

Meanwhile, although it may well be that your mother is vulnerable and needs the additional protection of someone besides your brother keeping an eye on how she is doing, that someone doesn't have to be you. There is nothing to stop you reporting your concerns to APS; but, by the way, I wouldn't include your supposition that your brother is only taking care of her because he wants her money among those concerns. How do you know what motivates him? If you tell them that, it will just sound as if you're continuing a dispute with your brother and reporting him solely to cause him trouble. So keep to the point that your mother is 85, living alone and becoming isolated, and that you're concerned that both she and your brother are under too much stress which in itself places her at risk of harm.

I am on probation for three years. I feel like my mother needs me. My brother !ves next door to my mom. I have heard him yell at her and I've seen him grit his teeth and ball his fist at her. He is taking care of her because he wants her money. This situation is getting worse for me. He jus made a statement or u can call it a treat. He told me that i f I get in his face he will call the law on me and have me put in jail. He also listens to her phone calls so I can ask her much on the phone. Also if things don't go his way when I visit my mother after I leave he takes it out on her.. My mom is 85. She never gets to go anywhere and he keeps her in turmoil. I can see her failing because of the stress he puts her under. What should I do?

Thanks again for all the responses. I had a long talk with my Mom and I expressed my concern for about my brother's changeable moods and his past attacks. My Mom agreed and said it would be best for me to stay where I am and visit her. I also explained to my Mom that just because my brother and I had a good visit that doesn't mean he would treat me that way if I lived there.

Thanks for opening my eyes. One of my faults is I get blindsided when people need help.