My older brother is emotionally abusing my elderly Mom. What can I do?

I get the feeling that your mom's attachment to her dog may be the biggest obstacle to getting this situation resolved. I can relate. If you are worried about your brother's reaction to the eviction, maybe you should try to get mom out of there before you send the letter. If you are sure that mom's dog would not get along with your cats (this depends on the personality of the dog, mine loves cats), you may be able to find a temporary foster situation for the dog. There are many organizations that provide this service for people who are deployed or need hospitalization. Check with your local animal shelter, and if they can't help you, try calling veterinary clinics in your area. If you can find a suitable temporary home for the dog, you can focus on getting mom out of the house and looking for a new home.

My Mom's dog is her life and brings her so much happiness. I would never want to take away her dog. He sleeps with her, she walks him which gives my Mom exercise, etc. Bottom line: the dog is very therapeutic for my Mom. When I visit my best friend's husband in the nursing home they bring in dogs for the residents there.

I'm the one who wants certain pieces of my Mom's furniture such as her baby grand piano which I used to play (it's sentimental to me) and some other pieces that we can use when I find a house for both of us to live in.

My Mom's dog may get along great with my cats. I'm not worried about the dog because he is very lovable, it's my cats that may get scared at first but will probably adjust.

I agree that I should get my Mom out first before sending the eviction letter to my brother.

Thanks, Jenna

You need to hire an eviction company to do the dirty work. Also, they will get it correct. If you don't do the paperwork properly the tenants can take you to court and prolong the process. The last time I had to evict someone, it cost about $450.00 and it was worth every penny. They do the paperwork, deliver the eviction notices, go to court if necessary, and take care of having the sheriff's office lock the house and change the locks. I don't recommend you do this yourself in light of your family situation.

Similar situation happened to my partner. Her brother lived with the mother (parents had been afraid to kick him out) and was not only unwilling to help the mother, he was abusive.

She reported the brother to the police, who were not helpful. She had to evict brother from the house (as money from the house was needed to take care of mother). Brother kicked in all the house's windows and it became infested with mice.
Fast forward; brother kept trying to make trouble. My partner took care of her mother until she died several years ago. No longer speaks to the brother who despite a couple of lawsuits didn't get a penny.

You know your brother will not be out of your life just because he moves or your mom moves. Your mother may choose to continue to enable him no matter where he lives. Tough to watch and keeps him from ever changing. Try to make sure your mom has enough money for her needs which may mean she will need to cut off her son and that probably won't happen unless you get some financial control. Mothers are often blind when it comes to their needy sons

Thanks all. I didn't even know there were eviction companies and I will definitely use one, thanks for that.

Chem, thanks for sharing your story about your partner's situation. I don't feel so alone anymore.

Reno, I know my brother will try to get money from my Mom once he is out and my Mom is living with me. I will have POA of my Mom's finances so when my brother tries to get money he will have to deal with me and he won't get any. He could have saved over $100,000 by living rent-free with my Mom and he gambled it away. My Mom is not blind to my brother.

If my brother tries to contact my Mom he will have to call my number and deal with me.

Jenna

i"m hoping that this forum can help me. For at least 12 years my brother has become increasingly abusive to my mom. when he moved in with her he blamed me for $2000 she had borrowed from him to help out my family while i was away, she paid a total of $700 a month on his credit cards plus she paid for all the bills several years go by and i find out she is still paying his cards and all of the bills but now he convinced her to let him manage her money her income was around $4,000 a month. he would always tell her she was broke he would give her $20 a day . There is a list of things he has done to her from then til now now my brother has scared her out of her own company he talked her in to giving him 51% of the business he still lives with her and pays no bills his share of profits was $93,000 hes got her paying his daughter rent and bills all the while he has managed to cut me and my family out of any benefits from the business, he wont even let my kids come clean her office . his daughter was working there til she was FB slanderous stuff about me and my kids so my mom asked her to not come back in but she still gets a check now she keeps telling me all she want is her house back but he wont leave. i am afraid he intimidates her to the point she is afraid to tell him no and he has driven a wedge between me and my mom for years now he wont even allow me to go to her house. he is financially exploiting her and just two days ago she told my daughter that he is constantly insulting her calls her fat all the time some one please help me its so bad i have no idea where to start

@deathstalker - Adult Protective Services is where to start if the abuse is serious and mom would not cover it up with them. Document everything, and lawyer up about the business you are cut out of and having to pay an employee who is not working...makes no sense!

I HAVE BEEN DOCUMENTING A LOT OF THING THAT GO ON , SHE ALWAYS protects him any time i even mention him she gets upset and cuts me off I've told her either serve him a 30 day notice and evict him thru the courts or at least give him notices to pay rent and half the bills and she just tells me she not going to do that cause it will just start to much shit. he constantly is calling her to find out where shes at , hes got her house cluttered with all of his stuff. She basically stays in her room when she is home. I'm afraid that she has been conditioned to avoid talking about him, i remember something my brother said a few years back and it was around the same time i noticed he was getting more controlling and demanding , He said "people will always run to pleasure and run from pain and i have seem first hand how he is relentless about lecturing her and yelling at her and insulting her. About years ago we lived across the street from her and i noticed my brother just standing in the drive way looking down the street. my mom pulls up after a 9 hour work day and before she can even get out of the car he lays into her when i realized what he was doing i ran across the street and got in his face .telling him if i ever see or hear him talking to her like that again then he can try talking to me like that and i told him he better leave her alone that was about 8 years ago , that is the last time i was allowed in her house HOW CAN YOU BREAK THAT CYCLE

Hi deathstalker,

I wish I had helpful advice for you but sadly I do not. My Mom protected her abuser (my brother) for so many years and no matter what I said she still did it anyway. It's called enabling and the only person that can stop it is your Mom.

I'm afraid there is nothing you can do, it's really up to your Mom. She is allowing this abuse by not evicting him. Being that your Mom is capable of working it's not like she is fragile like my 90 year old Mom who has no emotional or physical strength left. The only legal way is for you to get POA (power of attorney) of your Mom's finances. Maybe try talking to an Elder Care Attorney or an attorney that specializes in finances.

Has your brother physically abused your Mom? Verbal abuse is very hard to prove, almost impossible unless you can get many witnesses to call APS. I don't know how much video taping your brother may help with APS. Can you get a nanny cam inside the house and video tape your brother?

Again, this is not going to stop unless your Mom goes to court and starts eviction proceedings. If your Mom ever decides to do that you can go with her for moral support.

I wish I had better answers for you,
Jenna

I would like to thank everyone for all of the advice. i really didn't think that this many people would have gone thru similar experiences. i have gotten a chance to finally sit down with her and turn her phone off so he can't interrupt or conversation.The advice everyone gave has help me come up with a so far successful path to get her to see just what he is and has been doing to her and me. once again thank you or your help and input God Bless

I would make sure that she still feels safe in her home ,it sounds like you need to have a live feed camera in or near where you mom spends most of her day , I would ask er if its was ok to do that and simply get a little basic sign say that there is camera on the premises so if you hear or see anything it is admissible, document every time he starts in on her in great detail so when you have enough to warrant an investigation. if need be , but i would go to your brother and let him know this is where he is making it go and if it doesn't stop and her doesn't comply with your moms wishes then something will come out of that information.. Above everything make sure she feels safe in her own home and that she isn't fearing any thing he might do to her if and when he finds out . If she is fearful then you should get a restraining order with no contact until the situation is better evaluated .this is just my opinion but she needs to not have to live in fear.

Update: Many people are interested in buying my Mom's house, will know more in a few days about one couple that are very serious.

New problem: My Mom has stopped eating and struggles to get some Ensure down. She tells me she is in a lot of pain from gas and suffers from chronic constipation. I saw my Mom 3 weeks ago and she looks so frail.

We talked about my coming to get her to come live with me so I can take care of her but she's nervous about my brother messing up the house when potential buyers come and look at it. My Mom would like me to stay at her house but I don't want to be near my abusive brother. I never got my brother evicted because I was scared he would abuse my Mom even more.

Any ideas? I'm really scared for my Mom.

It sounds like a trip to mom's doctor might be needed. She could have a new health issue that needs to be addressed. As far as the brother is concerned - Does he know that you are planning to sell the house? You may want to check with tenant laws in your state, but you may need to give him proper notice (usually 30 days) for him to leave. It would be difficult to complete the sale of the house if the brother is still living there and refusing to leave.

Thanks. I'm trying to arrange for my Mom to see a new Gastro doctor. Last time she saw one she couldn't drink the chalky drink they give you. My Mom has always suffered from gas and constipation ever since I was little. But she always ate. She told me she is very depressed and feels lonely. She wants me to understand that life is not worth living when she is suffering so much especially at age 90.

My brother does know that the house is for sale (though he is not looking for a place to live) and I also hired an elder care attorney who gave me POA (medical and financial). My Mom just called me up and asked me to come and get her or she said she is going to starve to death as no one is taking care of her. If I do that then I can evict my brother from the house using a service that was mentioned in this forum.

I don't know what to do my bother is take a vag of her and trying to sel the land and take it fun me

Kathy - start a new thread and provide some details, and keep an eye on your spell checker!

My mom is 78 years old and visits me once in a year for 3 months, i have been very supportive,caring and given her financial help from the age of 18 year till now. Dad left some money in the bank for my mom with my brothers and sis in law help took the money and told me after spending my money. my belonging like my gold ring, clothes household things which was kept in her house she takes it and gives it to my elder brother without my knowledge, cause she thinks he is not well to do, i am very upset with her, my elder brother has never given her penny till today of his earning and she believes that he is not earning well. he has a job two kids, and he never told any of the sibling he is not doing well. yesterday i had an argument with my mom she is crying whole day today, and i cannot handle the situation now. she also wants to stay with him by selling the house and giving him the maximum share, Pls help

You have been giving your mother financial help since the age of 18? Your brother stole that money, and now your mother has stolen your belongings to give to your brother? And now she wants to sell her house to give this brother the proceeds?

Is there a backstory to all of this?

I agree with the others who have said to tread very carefully - and to avoid getting yourself into a situation that is difficult to get out of. Yes, some parents DO pit their children against each other. They seem to basque in the chaos and dysfunction. I stepped in and extracted my own mother from what sounds like a very very similar situation and the outcome for me was, yes, to become a live-in servant with her calling the (unmedicated but diagnosed bipolar) sister (who she had accused of trying to killing her and who was financially exploiting her) and badmouthing me. Talk about whiplash. I wish I had never gotten involved. Be careful.

Oh Dsouza. That is just too sad. Maybe, though there might be hard feelings, get a third party like an estate planner to help. Or, maybe your brother does not realize that the valuable items were being taken from you, because Mom tells him "take it, take it, its no problem and I'll be upset if you say no?" And if Mom gifts brother or anyone like that , it could be a financial and/or care planning disaster if she ever needs Medicaid.

Hi JennaRose. I'm very sorry for Your dearest Mom. No Mother should be treated in this way. My advice to You is pack Your Mom's clothes plus all Her necessities and bring Your Mom to Live with You so that Your darling Mother can Live out the remainder of Her Life in peace. OR Get Your Brother barred from Your Mom's home, and You move in to Care for Your Mom.
Jenna You have seen how Your Brother treats Your Mom, and this kneed's to be STOPPED NOW. You must act immediately because if You do not You may never forgive Your Self.

I have dealt with the same thing recently, my suggestion. GET INVOLVED. I would ignore damn near every post on here. If you get a call and your brother has beat your mother or (or even worse) you will feel guilty for the rest of your life knowing you could have done something. I moved with my mother for a month and called APS and had my brother physically removed. He has mental problems. The stuff that I cleaned from her house broke my heart it was so disgusting. If your brother wants to be miserable and kill himself let him do it but don't let him take your mother with him.

Your mother is probably terrified of him but she's afraid that if she kicks him out someone will kill him. Bottom line, they BOTH need help and a woman that age is not able to make a decision like this on her own. It's time for YOU to be the parent get him out and take care of your mother she deserves much better at this juncture of her life.

JennaRose, Wellmeaning is one hundred percent correct here. Great advice. Good Luck JR it's a horrible situation to be confronted with, but Your Bro is a Bully and He kneed's to be removed. Get help, do not challenge Him on Your own.

Jenna rose, you could be describing my story. Except my brother has abused drugs and my mom has freely given him all her life insurance over 20 years. She sold her house moved into an apartment with him, and he has drained her savings from the sale of her house.

We helped her through bankruptcy three years ago. Got her back on track. Suddenly all money is gone, she somehow managed to get a small loan that she couldn't pay.

We said we would help if we took over her finances. She agreed. It lasted three weeks with many calls wanting money for "gas and groceries" she never bought.

She took our name off the account today. I am trying everything I can to figure out what I can do which doesn't seem to be much.

It's beyond frustrating. I am going to post this question also

Jenna...My brother is bipolar with psychosis. He was verbally abusing everyone in the house including mom, lighting fires in the garage and under the patio. Seeing things that werent there.. Ect. My mom and I went and got a mental health warrant. 3 days later the police picked him up and took him to the county psyche ward for 72 hours, then he went to an inpatient facility where he received help. Im sad to say he decided not to remain on the meds that helped him, but when he was released he was placed on forlow and could be picked up and taken back to the inpatient mental facility. He was there a while. If your brother is a danger to himself or others, you and your mom .....if she is willing to do so as this would benefit your brother....you could make the necessary arrangements for your mom during his inpatient stay.

Also....it took mom a while before she would agree to the mental health warrant. She too enables him. The thing is mothers can't kick their sons out of the house as the guilt is too much. So this was an alternative to that and her knowing it is for her sons well being.Not only would your brother get the mental help he needs, they would take care of the diabeties and heart issues that he has failed to do so for himself.

What a hard situation to be in all the above is good sound advice backed up with good information , but how can anyone stand by with a elderly person is being abused ? When it is in your own family it makes it even harder to deal with and what has been posted above are all valid statements ....... But right must stand up against wrong and protect the weak even if you will most likely get mud on your face in the process .... Let God help you with this it's been my experience He is the best partner in all we have to do in life .... God's speed .... Seek Him He will guide to the right path for this journey .......

This really raises many questions and concerns because I myself am and abuse survivor of 13 years at the hands of drunk and abusive parents.

What I would do is definitely get the abuser out of her home! Is he paying to stay there? The answer is probably know, isn't it? If he's not paying to stay there and not contributing to the household, he has no right to even be there. Get him out of there before he kills her!

!!! You mentioned he has a violent history and has a attacked you before, so what is he still doing there with a vulnerable elder? Don't you know that if he's getting physical, he will most likely one time go to far, killing her or someone in his path?

!!! Why aren't the authorities involved?

He's getting plenty of money, where is all of his money going?
If he's making that much money on disability then he should take some of that money and rent an apartment somewhere and buy his own groceries. If he's not willing to help the very person giving him shelter and run of the property then he has no right to be there and he's not entitled to nothing from her if he's not willing to contribute