My older brother is emotionally abusing my elderly Mom. What can I do?

I had shared in a private post that we'd had some problems with people saying they were nurses who weren't, and though someone who is a care aide might actually be wonderful, there is a chance that because they call themselves a "nurse" people end up thinking they are dishonest and trying to pull one over, so I really did fear that could happen to the poster who spelled way too phonetically, even medical words and not just the things you'd expect from autocorrect but "bin" for "been" and "beeton" for "beat on." I'm fine with being wrong on that, and I did my best to produce a good run one sentence here as a way of agreeing. :-)

Forgive my ignorance, but what is a "flight" nurse?

And please don't tell me it's a nurse who goes on flights, or I really will feel a fool.

Countrymouse, you are so funny!! A flight nurse in the US is usually assigned to helicopter rescue. Look at osflifeflight.org for a description of the very advanced training they undertake.
vstefans, good call. If it types like a troll, it's a troll.

Nursing notes become a legal document and should be spelled accordingly.

Hi Countrymouse,

A flight nurse is actually a nurse who flies on what's known as a life flight. Life flight is through some hospitals who are equipped with such a service. A life flight is basically a flying ambulance but for the critical patients. Life flight crews often consist of one or two pilots, a flight doctor, and a flight nurse. My foster sister was a flight nurse on a life flight in her area. She since retired from being a flight nurse because her body could no longer take the physical demands. She still works at the same hospital but in another department

So now I know… thank you! :)

Update: After talking to my Mom for months she finally received different opinions from real estate agents and is signing with one soon to sell her house so she can live with or near me.

Anyway, my Mom is very upset because my brother has been threatening to put her away. He told her that she has lost her mind. My Mom has been calling me every 5 minutes and she is really scared and I assured her that my brother can't do that.

Am I correct that my brother can't put my Mom somewhere? I'm very upset right now for my Mom so if I'm not making sense please forgive me.

P.S. I did call APS and a lady came over twice already. Nothing happened. I guess verbal abuse is hard to prove and my Mom is scared to tell this lady anything.

Thanks,
Jenna

Verbal abuse is hard to prove, especially if the alleged victim won't speak up.

But, more happily, your brother will have an even harder time 'putting her away' unless he can demonstrate that she has lost her mind, or lost capacity to use the technical term.

However. If your brother is constantly threatening to do this, that is emotional abuse of a kind that your mother might share more easily with a visiting social worker. At the very least, a social worker will be able to explain her rights to her in a clear way so that whatever your brother says your mother will know that, no, he does not have any kind of power to 'put her in a home.'

Whichever way you slice it, though, for an elderly lady to have to cope with the turbulent emotions involved in this kind of conflict is rough on her. She doesn't want her son accused of bad behaviour. She doesn't, either, want that behaviour to continue. What's the poor lady to do?

Selling up and moving on is very much her best bet. Get behind that plan and push for all you're worth, in as positive and optimistic a way as possible, I should.

Thank you Countrymouse. My Mom is showing early signs of dementia and my brother told her that she lost her mind because when she went food shopping (she drove alone), she became lost coming home for about 5 minutes and then found her home. My brother has been constantly threatening her and I don't know if my Mom will tell the social worker this.

It breaks my heart. If anyone belongs in a home or mental hospital it's my brother, not my Mom. He has different personalities and he is very scary. I feel so bad for my Mom. She already suffers from high blood pressure and I know the stress of my brother abusing her does not help.

She is going to sign the papers to sell her home and I have told her all the positive things we can do together. I talk calmly with her and calm her down letting her know that soon I will take care of her and that we can have fun too.

Thanks again, Jenna

Take Mom to a geriatric psychiatrist, one that you pay for a second opinion.
Report to the doctor that your mother is being "Gaslighted" by your brother, and this undermines her confidence and sanity. This documented can help you protect Mom later. You go with her. This should happen before the sale of her home.
Now, watch the movie ' Gaslight ', a classic from which the psychological term originated, so you can understand how this happens to a vulnerable person.
Tell them they are crazy often enough, they may start to doubt their own sanity.

Then, the financial motivation is achieved before you know it, house sold, brother benefits.

Sorry this is happening, making her dementia worse by undermining her.
You help her.

This has gone on way too long. Imo.

I agree with Send - I was going to add that it would be a good idea to share your mother's plans with a social worker, so that her future care is clearly plotted and on record somewhere official. Plus you'll then have professional allies to help you figure out any logistics, and with any luck - and their help - your brother will be persuaded eventually to come to terms with it.

Hi. That's a tough one..
I think there is actually an agency now through social services that is a department specifically for elderly abuse...
You might be able to also ask for "wellness-drop in" visits too..
I also liked that idea of you having your mom come out for a little vacation &. Getting her comfortable visiting you too!
Gradually move into the ideas of her "using her large home" foe what she really highly needs now and in not so far off in the future too.

She can use the $$ from selling her large home to set herself up for what really suits her better now ... A smaller place with - services that can be added to whatever she needs a time goes on. A senior living /with companionship possibilities too ? Getting her away to come stay with you for starters. ???

That's a good idea Send about taking my Mom to a geriatric psychiatrist and telling the doctor that my Mom is being gaslighted (I saw Gaslight several times) and she is being gaslighted.

I was anonymous with the social worker so I don't have her name but I will be making a trip soon to see my Mom (she is crying out for my help) I will get the social worker's name and number (my Mom has her card).

Even though my Mom has a large house she confines herself to her bedroom to avoid seeing or having any words with my brother. I guess she is a hostage in her own home because of him. The only other rooms she uses is her kitchen (brings the food or tea back to her bedroom) and the bathroom. Very, very sad.

My Mom is the type is needs to be alone (she is not social and never has been).

My brother wants the money from the sale of the house to move to another state where he has one friend (on and off again friend). He gets a decent amount of SS every month but he has not saved anything, he gambles it away on the computer. He has never paid rent (I guess that's my Mom's fault for not insisting on that) and doesn't contribute anything. My Mom would not have to drive alone to a market if my brother would have taken her but he just doesn't care.

I wish I could get my brother to get a psychological evaluation but I guess that's not within my legal powers, I just don't know what I can legally do for both of them and not do. This is so frustrating.

Jenna

Jenna, please don't wait. I do have concerns that you will be putting yourself in harms way when you go there. Can you stay at a hotel? Can someone go with you, as a witness? If it is as bad as it appears, call in the authorities. Record your mothers pleas since she will not be forthcoming with the authorities. You know, the authorities, the ones with power to help your mom if you help them?
I have seen this before. The mother cries for help, when help is available, she lies, out of fear. Or is it out of protecting a destructive lifestyle?
She lies for your brother, he provides something she never tells you about?

It has just really gone on too long. Tell her to call the police or APS before you will come. When she does, then you will be there?

Your brother has no rights to your mother's money. Please put a stop to this. Get help from her local senior center, supportive services.

Reading back to May 2015, when GA expressed surprise that APS required the mother to call them, I now understand why. When I came to the same conclusion, it was because they come out and she lies to them. After awhile, it is like crying wolf. If mom does not want help, they cannot help.
So sorry, she is or will be 90? That is no way to live to protect your brother's lifestyle. Choose.

Send, my Mom lies because she is afraid that my brother will get violent and hurt her physically (she has told me this several times as she witnessed when my brother choked me and I ended up in the ER). She is terrified of him. I can't leave immediately as I have to arrange for someone to take care of my cats.

My Mom is 90 now and she has reverted back to a child and I'm like her mother instead of her daughter (I think that's normal for that age?)...

I don't know of any local senior centers where my Mom lives. I was thinking already of calling the authorities before I go. If need be I will stay in a hotel. My Mom had a talk with my brother telling him I was coming soon and even though he was not happy about it he said as long as we avoid each other it's okay with him. I still don't trust him... Right now I am very upset by all of this so I need to think this through.

Jenna

Jenna, yes, it is upsetting. It is perfectly common for your mom to be afraid he will become violent. She has good reason. We understand this.

You have the answers, however, maybe you are not the one who can do this rescue or make the changes. Don't feel bad if you need to send someone else.

Personally, I don't want to abandon you, but feel I am being pulled into a situation out of compassion for your dilemma and concern for everyone's safety, including your brother. Perhaps others can help you to take some appropriate action for Mom. Please keep checking in, as I will, but may not have any better advice. It must really be hard on you to be going this alone. Take care of yourself. I care.

You can take care of yourself today.

I agree with blannie, It could also be that your mother just wants someone to complain to. I was there with my mother, she just wanted someone to bitch to so she could be a victim, she really didn't want anything done. Your mother sounds the same way. She keeps you stirred up, but she resists you actually doing anything. This sounds like an old problem that has been going on for years. Don't listen, if she starts complaining about your brother, just tell her you don't want to hear anything about it until she is ready to do something, or just change the subject. There is a thing called the rescue triangle. We rescue people then they are mad at us for doing it, then we are the victim. If you take your mother out of a home she loves, then she can blame you for doing it. It sounds like you need to distance yourself.

Blannie and you make a very good point yet I still feel torn and confused about the entire situation. Most of the calls from my Mom are questions regarding what medicine should she take, what should she eat or not eat (she is lactose intolerant), should she see a doctor, etc.

My Mom doesn't talk about my brother to me unless he said something really horrible to her that scared her like him threatening to put her away. Otherwise she leaves him out of our conversations.

I agree that when the social worker came to see her she could have told her about my brother but she didn't. I did tell her if my brother threatens her again she should call the police and I left it at that.

What breaks my heart (and I know my heart is too big) is that these are the last years of my Mom's life and I wish they were peaceful ones.

During my younger years I did distance myself from my Mom and family (with the exception of my Dad as we were very close). I always knew my family was dysfunctional and I didn't want to be a part of it and all the drama.

I had a choice to either hold grudges against my Mom (and rightfully so) or forgive her for all the mistakes she made during my upbringing and I forgave her because that gave me inner peace. Sorry for rambling...

I lost many people in my life, my Dad, my first husband, my baby brother to cancer, and there is hardly anyone left.

Again, most of my life I have distanced myself but if my Mom is serious about selling her home so she could live near me that I will welcome her with open arms because I do love her.

Jenna

Jenna, I understand your anxieties about your mother and your brother. But I'm just wondering, when did you last speak to him, have a conversation that you could actually call a conversation that is?

With what you were saying about your mother's not being candid with the social worker, or making any real progress with changing her own situation, I've been trying to picture the scene from his point of view. And it occurs to me that if your mother can put you through all this from a distance, what on earth are things like for him?

The first thing to say is that it is NOT okay for him to get angry with her, or to yell or threaten or anything else. But she must drive him up the wall, don't you think? All I mean is, he's in a bad situation too, which is all the more reason to do everything you can to encourage change through selling the house, moving your mother to wherever she can be best cared for and supported, and setting him free.

Would there be any way of talking to him calmly about how you can all three of you start making positive changes?

Hi Country, the last time I had a "conversation" with my brother was the visit before my last one (and only because I nodded my head and didn't disagree with him). My brother put my Mom down and I didn't say anything, he still blames all of his problems on my Mom and he is 66 years old. I just stay quiet because I know if I were to disagree with him he would get nasty to me.

From his point of view, I don't know. I think he enjoys not having to pay rent or any bills. He has the run of the house and avoids my Mom and she avoids him. The only time my Mom had words with him was when I was there on the last visit (I think because she felt safe since I was there).. My Mom does not drive him up a wall, he does that all by himself by not having any kind of life. If my Mom asks him to clean up the messy pots and pans he made in the kitchen he gets angry. He loves to cook but won't clean up so the mess just stays there (if my Mom feels well enough she cleans it up). Or on rare occasions after several hours or the next day my brother will clean it up.

My Mom still does his laundry.

His own kids don't talk to him and that speaks volumes to me. When my brother and I were friendly he did complain about his adult children not wanting to have anything to do with him, again I stay quiet. When my brother was married he cheated on his wife several times, moved out to live with another woman when the kids were young, would smoke inside the house when his kids suffered with asthma, and who knows what else went on? My brother didn't want the divorce but his ex-wife had enough of him.

If he wanted a better life he could buy a plane ticket to another state where he wants to live. But then he would have to start paying rent. He has sponged off my parents all of his life (but I don't blame him, I blame for parents for being enablers).

After my last visit there is no way of my brother and I talking calmly. He has always made it clear how much he dislikes me and wants nothing to do with me. I tried e-mailing him but he attacks me.

I still think the best situation is for my Mom to sell her house (she is supposed to sign the papers today with the real estate agent) and move near me where I can take care of her.

Jenna

Update: My Mom signed the papers to sell her house and I spoke with the real estate agent recently. The realtor told me that my brother was nasty to her and that my Mom's house stunk of cigarette smoke which would make it harder to sell the house. My Mom has asked my brother to stop smoking inside but he ignores her. Also the second hand smoke is not good for my Mom.

The realtor also gave me a name of an elder care attorney who I spoke with. He told me he can draft the paperwork so I can get POA of my Mom's finances and health. After I explained the situation to this attorney he told me to evict my brother and mail him an eviction letter giving him 30 days notice.

This scares me as once my brother receives this eviction letter he will attack my Mom.

I don't know what to do. I want to drive to my Mom's house and get her out of there. Not so simple. She has a dog and I have cats. She still has tenants living in her downstairs apartment and they need to be given notice to vacate as well.

The most important thing is to get my brother out of there. He truly is a monster. The realtor said it would be better to sell my Mom's house if the house was empty.

I don't know which steps to take next except I will be going to visit my Mom soon and take her to this attorney so we can sign the POA papers.

Any thoughts would be appreciated,
Jenna

You mean that mom " listed" the house for sale, yes?

All the folks who are living there, including your brother and the tenants, need to be notified that they need to move. Since you don't have POA yet, your mom would have to do this.

How about doing things in this order:
Go to attorney, have poa executed. Pack up mom's things. Board her animal. Send notices to tenants and to your brother. Research places for mom to live near you. When the house sells, you move her there.

If you think mom is in physical danger, you should get an order of protection against him, along with an eviction.

Yes, my Mom listed the house for sale. I will be driving to my Mom's house next week and we will see the attorney to sign the POA papers. Then I will write the letters to evict my brother and give notice to the tenants.

My Mom won't agree to boarding her dog so I have been looking for a place for my Mom near me that will take a dog. My Mom has furniture that she wants so either I will put my Mom's stuff in storage or if the place I find for her can fit it, move it there. I really want to get my Mom out of there ASAP so my brother can't hurt her. He has not physically attacked her but has physically attacked me in the past.

My brother is also demanding a large sum of money from my Mom and the attorney said my brother should get nothing since he has lived with my Mom for over 10 years now and never paid rent or any of the bills. I think my brother should get enough money so he can get started in the state he wants to live in the southern U.S. He will need money for rent, security, etc., buy a used car and so on..

I'm just scared how my brother is going to react once he receives the eviction letter. Maybe I should stay in my Mom's house when he gets it. Better he yells at me then my 90 year old Mom... I just don't know. I wish this was not so complicated and that my Mom was already with me.

If your mother is going to be so particular about boarding her and bringing her furniture, she clearly does not have the sense of danger you do from your brother.

There comes a time when we know better than our parents and can no longer safely cater to their demands and whims. That time may have come.