My older brother is emotionally abusing my elderly Mom. What can I do?

Interesting, does he only yell at her when you are talking to her? Unfortunately some mothers stir the pot and keep siblings fighting among themselves. It gives them a sense of control. Try not to take the bait. If she complains about your brother, change the subject. If she asks you to move in, change the subject. Keep yourself on neutral ground. Ask her about clothes, cooking, shoes, the weather, anything but stuff that starts the yelling.

JennaRose, how did it come about that your brother is living in your mother's house? Did he just never move out, or has he moved back to be her caregiver?

Hi Countrymouse and Pamstegma, thanks for your replies. My brother moved in with my Mom after his divorce where he had to sell his house, over 10 years ago and he lives rent-free even though he gets a large check every month for disability. He himself is sick with heart problems and diabetes. Thus my Mom is an enabler and won't ask him to move out. If my Dad was alive he would have kicked my brother out a long time ago.

Anyway, he yells at my Mom most of the time (not just when I am talking with her on the phone). I believe years ago he stole money from her as well. He is definitely not a caregiver because he doesn't help her at all. Just last week my Mom called me and told me she had pain in her head and asked my brother to take her to the ER and he refused. I called up 911 to have an ambulance take her as I got scared that she was having a stroke. She refused to go and I found a neurologist near her and she went to that app't. Anyway, doctor thinks it's all stress related and I know where the stress is coming from.

My Mom hides in her bedroom to avoid my brother and only comes out when she feels it's safe. There are many times I hear the stress in her voice and I ask her if my brother started yelling at her again as she is afraid to tell me.

I really don't want to move there as I know my brother is capable of physical violence (he has attacked me in the past) and I don't want to live in a stress-filled environment. I help my Mom a lot from where I live finding her doctors, ordering her movies she wants, etc. Little things but it means a lot to her.

If your mom is still competent to make her own decisions there is little that you can do. Could you offer to have her come to your location for a visit? Maybe if she is with you for a week or two she would tell you what is going on and you could better evaluate the situation. She may not want to sell her house because that would mean that her son would no longer have a place to live. It wouldn't be the first time that an elderly parent put one of their children's needs ahead of their own. In the meantime, you could research some alternatives for both your mom and your brother so you are ready in case things get worse.

What a terribly sad situation, Jenna - wretched for your poor mother, but also fraught and unhealthy for your brother too. I like AKD's suggestion of her getting a break from the stress, if you're able to have her to stay for a short while? It might be chance for her to get some perspective and maybe come up with a plan that's better for everyone.

I have asked my Mom to stay with me and she always says no. It's a very long drive and she said she couldn't handle it. Right now my Mom is able to drive very short distances to buy food and go to her doctors. She has told me she knows she won't be able to drive in the future as she gets older which is another reason why she wanted me to move in with her (I would be a good caretaker opposed to my brother).

I also suggested that she sell her house and move where I am (there are great senior living centers near me) so I can take care of her and spend quality time with her. She goes back and forth with that question. She once said to me she wants to die in her home.

So I am at a loss. I feel helpless that I can't help my Mom. A couple of years ago I did call up Adult Protective Services after my brother attacked my Mom verbally where my Mom was really shook up. They told me that my Mom had to call about my brother, not me which she would never do.

It is very, very sad. My brother has 3 adult children (who have nothing to do with him as they are close to their mother - my brother's ex) and he should go live with one of them.

Jenna, could you not go and get her? Make a vacation of it for her, that kind of thing. It's just to give her a breathing space (and if she happens to feel like checking out those SLCs while she's at it, that won't hurt either).

I'm surprised that someone from APS told you your mother had to call. In my experience they are obligated to investigate potential abuse calls whether the alleged victim calls or someone from the family calls.

I would call them back and clarify this - it doesn't sound right from what I've read here as well as from personal experience.

I probably didn't call APS as I don't remember exactly who I called. It could have been a hotline.

Anyway, I called my Mom earlier and she sounded okay and brought up a suggestion that has been talked about before which is she rents an apartment in her home (has a current tenant) and would like me to move there. I used to live in that apartment many years ago and I would have my privacy. I like where I'm living now (I live alone) but I think I would feel better taking care of my Mom. What scares me is my brother so I am thinking about this.

One day my Mom is not going to be able to drive anymore and my brother is useless.

I dislike talking about money but my Mom's house is worth a lot and it is stipulated in her will that when the time comes the house gets sold and my brother and I get 50/50. I wonder if my brother feels threatened by me for a couple of reasons: that I know what he's all about and what he's been doing or possibly the money? I don't know.

If your mother's house is worth a significant amount of money, the obvious plan is to sell the house and move her to a more practical setting for care: that could be an easy-to-maintain home that you could share with her (if you're sure you could cope with her) or, better yet, a retirement apartment where she'd have the company of her peers and plenty of support for activities of daily living. If there is money to spare she would of course be free to use some of it to set your brother up independently; but you probably know better than I do the caveats around that.

If you're that uneasy around your brother the idea of moving back even into this separate apartment sounds like a non-starter. But even more, for his long-term wellbeing's sake, he needs to stop leaning on his mother and pick up his life again. It sounds as though the divorce really derailed him? Or was the derailing responsible for the divorce, do you think? Either way, the current situation is doing nothing to get him back on his feet emotionally. Your mother may dread facing up to change, but living with an angry man is no good for her either. A separation needs to be brought about somehow...

I agree that my mother selling her house is the best solution all around. But I can't force my mom to sell, it has to be her choice right? My brother and I have POA 50/50.

Last time I visited her (about 6 months ago) I showed her nice retirement apartments where I live on her (or my brother's computer). My Mom talked to my brother about selling and he said he would want to live with her?? I don't get that.

My brother is diagnosed bipolar so his personality is always changing. He will never stop leaning on our mother and I think it's my mother's fault for always helping him. When my brother was younger he worked with my Dad, then he stopped that and my Mom bought a business so my brother would have a job.

My Mom put 2 large down payments on 2 homes for him. Talk about enabling! I was always my own person and never depended on my parents. I took pride in getting what I wanted by working for it. Just the way I am.

Anyway, his wife divorced him as he cheated on her many times and who knows how he treated her? No one knows except my ex-sister-in-law and his children. Interesting how his 3 children want nothing to do with my brother. Later on my brother admitted that he wishes they didn't get divorced.

If I did decide to move in that apartment and my brother touched me I would have no problem calling the police and pressing charges. I am not scared of him just uneasy because of his bipolar personality.

I agree that a separation needs to be brought about but I don't see how that could happen now. My Mom is too frail and gets too emotional where she needs to be alone to calm herself down. My Mom is also a loner and never socialized with people, it was my Dad who was the friendly and sociable one in the family.

Hmmm. Not so straightforward.

Okay, so look around. As your brother has his diagnosis, who else is involved in his care and in your mother's care? Are they being treated as a package - i.e. is she de facto *his* caregiver?

The two of them need attention but it doesn't necessarily have to come from you. How far away from them are you, anyway, geographically? It's clearly not practical for you to "pop round" and keep an eye on them. Are you in touch with any professionals concerned in their care? I'm just wondering whether there might be any allies you could call on to provide, at least, an objective assessment, possibly leading to more regular input. A social worker wouldn't be a bad start, if you know of a friendly one who might like to get involved?

Yes, my brother has a mental diagnosis and physical ones (he is diabetic and had open heart surgery) and does not take care of himself. My Mom told me that his heart doctor dropped him because he didn't show up for his appointments. So basically no one takes care of my brother as far as his health. He also does not see a therapist (he should be). My mother drives herself to her doctor appointments so both of them are really fending for themselves.

I'm not that close, about 6 hours by car. I never thought I could call both my brother's and Mom's doctors, you gave me something to think about. And that's a good idea to try to get a social worker involved. I don't know of any but I'm good at making phone calls and trying to find one.

I think I may start calling the doctors (I know the medical building where my Mom and brother both go) and see what I can find out. I wonder if I can tell them how my brother is treating my Mom? They may refer me to someone who can help.

Thanks!! Jenna

Jenna, if your brother has a specific diagnosis of bipolar disorder I'd be pretty sympathetic to him - at the same time as pointing out the lousiness of the idea of his being your mother's primary caregiver. Do you happen to know if he's medicated? - because losing weight and taking care of your own health is hard enough at the best of times, let alone if you add lithium to the mix. There seems to me to be a risk of both him and your mother slipping through the cracks in the paving: from their respective teams' point of view, he's fine he's living with his mother, she's fine her son's living with her - when actually neither of them is really able to take responsibility for the other's wellbeing. Plus neither of them is likely to be readily co-operative. Yikes.

You'll probably find that the medical practice is a bit snotty if you start asking questions - but there is nothing at all to stop you reporting your concerns. Your mother and your brother will need to be disentangled carefully because they both need support. APS might be the best place to start, if only because they can look at the whole scenario rather than being attached to one person or the other as the medics would be.

It's kind of hard for me to feel sympathy for my brother because he always treated me horribly ever since I was a little girl. He tortured me, at one time tried to strangle me (I could have put him in jail but I didn't), ignored me and my siblings, would have nothing to do with us in a positive manner. He always said he wanted to be the only child and resented us.

There were actually 4 children, my youngest brother passed away from cancer. My older sister will have nothing to do with the family for years but that's another story.

Last time I visited my brother he said to me it's time for me to go back on Prozac (he said he suffers from manic depressive disorder and from my research means bipolar). As far as I know, no, he's not on medication for his mental problems. He's on a lot of medication for his physical problems. He sleeps all day long and stays up all night (on the computer).

I know both my brother and Mom need help and they can not help each other. My brother has said he should be seeing a psychiatrist but he doesn't. He makes sugary cakes and eats the whole cake even though he has diabetes and complains about feeling dizzy afterward (almost as if he has a death wish)... It is sad.

I will call APS but I need to proceed with caution and first get some information. I did read that APS may help my brother with housing but I need to find out more about that. I have asked my Mom how she would feel if he moved out and she said she would feel relieved. After the holiday weekend I will start making calls. Thanks.

I will offer a slightly different perspective here...which is you need to let your mom and brother handle their own affairs until there's a point where your mom really is serious about changing things. You're trying to step in and change long-term behaviors in both of them. They have had a relationship of dysfunction for years and years from what you're saying with your mom defending and enabling your brother. And she's not showing any signs of changing that kind of behavior.

If you try to disrupt that pattern outside of an emergency, you risk them both ganging up against YOU - seeing you as the meddling bad guy, while losing any leverage you have.

I know it's hard, but I'd let things continue until something happens...which is often how change comes to our seniors (unfortunately). Something like brother winds up in the hospital from his untreated diabetes, or mom winds up in the hospital because of poor care from brother and can't go back home...

Otherwise you're beating your head against a brick wall. Any rational person would agree with your analysis of the situation, but the two players who are involved don't see enough wrong with their situation to want to make a drastic change.

Blannie is completely right and described the situation very well. You're not going to be able to change ingrained behavior. Unfortunately, there are complex psychological behaviors at play.

Hi Blannie and Garden,

Maybe I didn't communicate my intentions clear enough. I can't help my brother as I feel he needs to help himself. If I were to help out in any way, it would be to help my Mom with the driving, taking her to doctors that she can't drive to, helping her with her dog (she walks her dog but there are times when she feels she is not strong enough), etc.

After thinking about the situation, I am not going to call APS unless something dramatic happens because if I call them up my Mom and brother will have a fit if they are contacted by APS. They will know it's me that called.

My Mom let me know she's worried about any interaction between my brother and myself as she's aware of how he is. If and again if, I decide to move in that apartment I do not have to have any contact with my brother. If he keeps going in the direction he is, he will end up in a hospital. My Mom sounds very weak and fragile and talks about her funeral. So I'm truly worried about her.

On another note, after my Mom bought this business in order to give my brother a job which she ran with my Dad (he had semi-retired), that's when the incident happened when my brother tried to strangle me and I ended up in the ER. After that my brother no longer had a job and he took my Mom to court stating the business belonged to him. Of course he lost.

I don't trust him when it comes to money and he may take me to court stating he was the primary caregiver.

Again, I really don't know what to do. My Mom wishes me to be there because she's knows I would help her and that I'm dependable. These are the last years of my Mom's life and I feel guilty living far away from her.

Jenna

Jenna, it's a dilemma in the true sense of the word. Your mother is, of course, protective towards your brother and doesn't want to get him into (further) trouble; but at the same time she must know that for one thing she's not doing him any favours long-term, and for another he's more than she can cope with without risk to her own health and wellbeing. The question is really one for her: if she doesn't want you to get involved, where does she turn to for help?

And I do mean help, rather than someone turning up with a magic wand and saying to your brother "Lo! - and begone!" She's worked so hard for so long to try to sort his life out, she won't be able to rest until she knows he's got some prospect of care and security in his future. We may not feel quite the same (!?) but you have to be sensitive to her feelings about her son, too.

If you're not keen on APS, and I can understand the reservations, what about calling a support group linked to the clinics/practitioners he should be seeing but doesn't? You might be able to track down some useful ideas that way?

Hi Country, yes it is a dilemma in every which way one looks at this situation. I understand my Mom is protective of my brother and she only wants the best for him, healthwise, being happy, living a productive life. I do understand that.

I think one of the reasons he yells at my Mom is because he truly hates himself and his own life. My Mom doesn't have the mental strength anymore to turn for help for him. Any strength she has she uses for herself. She's more of an observer at this point. She let me know that another one of his doctors dropped him because once again he missed all of his appointments. That makes 2 doctors in the last couple of months that won't see him anymore.

There is nothing I can do for my brother unless he asked me to help him. My Mom considered calling my brother's eldest son but then decided against it. She once did call my nephew and he didn't take any action. To my knowledge my brother has not told his son anything about his health.

Anyway, I am guessing that my Mom thinks his security will come when she passes away as he will have the money to live very nicely. That doesn't take care of his failing health and someone that will care for him but that is my Mom's thinking. That money is the answer to everything which I disagree with. Money does not buy good health and inner peace.

No, I'm not going to call APS at this point because it would only cause trouble and it would end up on me. I could make some calls to my brother's doctors and ask them if they have any ideas. Perhaps they could recommend someone that I can talk to.

Thanks again, Jenna

I think that would be a really good idea, Jenna. At the very least, it'll make involved people aware of concerns that they might not otherwise have appreciated - and it certainly can't hurt. Best of luck, hope they're helpful.

Jenna, it's your mom who has to want this situation to change badly enough to shake things up. Although I understand her not wanting to move, she's going to have to if she wants more consistent help (yours or a facilities'). Is there an Assisted living facility nearby where they both could live, in a two bedroom unit?

The only way I find out if the medical doctors/facility is helpful is when I call (it's a holiday today). I also hope they could offer me some advice.

Babalou, my Mom has been living like this with my brother for years (over 10) and she has done nothing to change the situation. My brother has been abusing her emotionally all this time and if she has not done anything by now she never will. She won't move into an assisted facility, she wants to die in her home.

All she wants right now is for me to help her with all those little things that she is struggling to do, putting out garbage, bring in the bags of food she buys, cleaning, walking her dog, etc. I can help her with those things.

In time my Mom won't be able to drive anymore and she knows this thus I can drive her to wherever she needs to go.

I will say this forum has been very helpful and really made me think about the entire situation. At least I have some direction now. Thanks!

I am pretty sure that if you call 911 the next time an incident happens they will come and check things out. Your mom can get a restraining order which will prevent your brother from coming back to the house or seeing your mother for two years. You can then arrange to have her move close to you and put the house up for sale.
This is certainly abuse on his part. He is taking every advantage of your mom and should be prevented from doing so. You can get a restraining order on him also so that he cannot come near you or your family.

First I would go to your lawyer to make sure your brother didn't take your mother there and get her to sign a new will leaving the house to him. He sounds like a guy who would do it.
Then you would be out on the street out of luck!

Film him using smart phone, Twitter and Periscope. Take your evidence to family court. Explain that while you want her protected from disability abuse, you are willing to have him see her under court supervision, and get a restraining order to that effect. Many courts, while unable to provide legal advice, can help you process your request.

Jenna: has your brother looked into professional help for himself? How about help for your mother? This abusive house sharing arrangement, even with family, is unhealthy stress and could even be dangerous. I will pray for you and your family. I hope better living arrangements will be worked out soon.

Jenna:
You asked, 'what can I do?' about your brother's abusing your mom.
I see a few answers, some of which were mentioned by others.
You can
1) Leave them be - it seems that you are the one it bothers the most, so at some point, you have to determine how to let them make their own choices.
or 2) Take the initiative to stop the situation by calling APS, 911 (if you're there at the time), etc.
3) Take a 'milder' initiative by going with her to her next doctor's appointment and explaining the situation to her doctor. Doctors are mandatory reporters, so the doctor would then have the obligation to make any reports to the proper agencies.
or 4) attempt to discuss the situation with your brother - perhaps getting a neutral third party involved (perhaps a social worker as was suggested above). You could explain that your only objective is to help them both have less stress in their lives and that your mom gets the care she needs.
also, in the meantime, contact support groups in her area to see about rides to doctor's appointments. Perhaps you could arrange the transportation from where you live and take the stress away from you (your worries that she won't get there - and your anger at your brother for not taking her).
As far as your mother not wanting to move - well, few people do want to move. It may be possible to arrange for some help for her that would allow her to stay in her home until she passes. She may even change her mind and want to move. Your only real worry will be what to do when she absolutely can't stay there and she still doesn't want to move. And that may never even come.
I hope this helps narrow things down for you.
One last opinion though - if he gets physically violent with her, I'd say you have no choice but to report it and let the chips fall where they may.

Hi,
If your mom needs help with the little things, could she be declared incapacitated? If so, you could try to get guardianship. They should not allow your brother to be guardian with his psych history. Your story has many similarities to mine regarding my brother. We are learning that our parents bailed him out for years, suspecting a mental disorder. I had to get guardianship for my mom when our brother started planning to take her out of assisted living to care for her. He is controlling and puts everyone on eggshells with his mood swings. good luck. You have a sick brother

One more thing: are any financial problems a concern? For your mom, once her funds run out, Medicaid can help if she must really move into assisted living away from her controlling son.