It's TIME, you must care for yourself!!! I have 6 yes 6 sisters that will Not assist me with my 90 year old mom that has alz/dementia. I finally let go of all the resentment and ill will i have for my sistersand relized that even if they did HELP and it was out of guilt or resented having to care for her,it would cause our Mom even more Harm than Good. So there fore when it comes time and my Mom doesnt remember me even on the slightest (like she does now) or if medically i can not care for her, I will have to place here in a nursing care facility,and I wont feel bad because I know I did all that i could for her. As for the siblings will that will be a cross they will have to bear.
I agree with ediehardy . You sound like me, my brother stopped bothering with my Mom a little over a year ago. Even so he never really did much. To think he lived 5 minutes from her to my 45 minutes. I would take the ride a few times a week to take care of her needs. Mom lived on her own for 23 years. In the last few years she started to show signs of dementia. Also she had health issues as well. I knew that I couldn't care for her in my home because of that. I had to make hard decisions. Long story short Mom is in a nursing home where she is taken care of 24/7. The good part also is she is 10 minutes from me. I also hired a elder care lawyer to help her get on medicad. She is now pending. Thankfully she had saved a little money to be able to do that. Don't get me wrong it wasn't a easy road but the end result was for the best. I can see my Mom several times a week to keep on top of things. My boys visit as well so she is covered. You will get through this . Sending prayers your way.
You may need to start researching assisted living and nursing homes for your Mom if you are no longer willing to be her primary caregiver, unless you research in-home care where she/you pay a direct care worker through an agency you have selected to do the honors. I think that's pretty much the next step given what you have chosen to share in your post.
Miggie, I wish I had a dime every time I've read those words on this website! There ALWAYS seems to be the one sibling that takes it all on, and the rest are glad they dodged that bullet. Without knowing your circumstances, and unless your brother will 'man up' then I guess asst living/nursing home is the way to go. Sorry.
Miggie - the times we live in certainly are critical and sometimes we feel that we are cramped or trapped so much that we don't know a way out. I hope you have supportive friends who can be a strengthening aid to you. I also hope that you can find some time for yourself on a regular basis when you can focus on something upbuilding and refreshing that will give you relief from what sounds like almost overwhelming pressure and help you see that better times really will one day be a reality for you. Most people these days are feeling beat down in one way or another from either conditions around them in the world or what is going on in their own personal lives, it's obvious from responses to your initial letter that there are a lot of people dealing with similar situations. I hope the support and understanding you receive will help you cope. It helps to look forward to the time when when the current tears, pain, and suffering and the mental, emotional, and physical ills are things of the distant past.
You definately need to think about placement medicade will be based on her assests not yours 9 yrs. in more than anyone can expect form one person if your brother had helped things might have been better but since he didn't forget about him and start visiting nursing homes near you go to as many as you can so you can get an idea how things are and talk to the social workers at each one it is time for you to be her friend not caregiver and make sure the social worker does the paperwork they can do it so much faster than you can and believe me they will get it done bvery fast so they get paid-been there done that-keeps us up to date how things are going and some day you will be the voice of reason like I am-I got such an education unwanted education- that I share it whenever I can
Your mom might be eligible for Medicaid. There are nursing homes that will take Medicaid payments and do provide good care. Ask for referrals and visit the homes, observe the kind of care that is given, the smell of the home, number of staff per patient, etc. Nine years??? You need relief for sure.
I definitely agree with betsymach. I cared for my father-in-law for a year until his death in 2007 and since then am the primary caretaker for my mother-in-law. Recently I have begun to realize that she is increasingly needy and that I am not going to be able to meet her needs, physically, emotionally, or medically. I talked to a Social Worker at her County Health Department and she said that I should have her apply for Medicaid, and then a nurse and a social worker would come to her house and do an assessment to see if she qualifies for a home health nurse or for a nursing home. I imagine there are hoops to jump through but I think you should definitely check it out. Nine years is long enough to put your life on hold. Don't feel guilty about saving yourself.
Miggie: I'm currently experiencing the same situation. Mom is 94, increasingly reliant upon me to stay home with her (husband and I work full-time, and we have a teenage daughter), while my two brothers who live nearby don't seem to want to help, even though I know they love Mom and want the best for her. What you didn't mention, but what I'm sure must be going through your mind are the same questions I worry over. Why doesn't my retired brother try to at least pitch in on a part-time basis? How do I tell Mom she has to go to assisted living because her sons can't or won't help? How will I handle the possibility Mom will not be able to adjust to assisted living, possibly dying soon after she is moved, leaving me with the guilt that I've failed her? I know this sounds odd, but I have the misfortune of having a mother who is the kindest, most unselfish person I've ever met. If she thought I was exhausted from caring for her (7 years now), she'd feel terrible. If you're anything like me, in-home care isn't going to be enough. I need to give the full responsibility to someone else, not continue to have the responsibility plus the additional concern over strangers coming into my home to help her. That said, here's what I've learned from Senior Services in my area. They can send help for a few hours a week (to help with bathing, etc.), as well as a nurse to check Mom's health (blood pressure, heart, and other things). They do this at no cost, only ask for a donation if you have it but otherwise no pressure on you to give. You may want to check on this in your area. They also mentioned the Passport Program through the Council on Aging. This is tied to Medicaid. My mom is not on Medicaid, but the social worker at Senior Services said it has something to do with how much you have to pay per week for care for your senior. If it is over a certain amount, you may be able to use the Passport Program. For details, just in case I haven't understood it correctly, go to the Council on Aging website. I hope this helps. Good luck to you and take care.
Why doesn't my retired brother try to at least pitch in on a part-time basis? How do I tell Mom she has to go to assisted living because her sons can't or won't help? How will I handle the possibility Mom will not be able to adjust to assisted living, possibly dying soon after she is moved, leaving me with the guilt that I've failed her? I know this sounds odd, but I have the misfortune of having a mother who is the kindest, most unselfish person I've ever met. If she thought I was exhausted from caring for her (7 years now), she'd feel terrible. If you're anything like me, in-home care isn't going to be enough. I need to give the full responsibility to someone else, not continue to have the responsibility plus the additional concern over strangers coming into my home to help her. That said, here's what I've learned from Senior Services in my area. They can send help for a few hours a week (to help with bathing, etc.), as well as a nurse to check Mom's health (blood pressure, heart, and other things). They do this at no cost, only ask for a donation if you have it but otherwise no pressure on you to give. You may want to check on this in your area. They also mentioned the Passport Program through the Council on Aging. This is tied to Medicaid. My mom is not on Medicaid, but the social worker at Senior Services said it has something to do with how much you have to pay per week for care for your senior. If it is over a certain amount, you may be able to use the Passport Program. For details, just in case I haven't understood it correctly, go to the Council on Aging website. I hope this helps. Good luck to you and take care.
See All Answers