I have been taking care of my mother for 9 years and I'm tired, but my brother doesn't want to help. What should I do?

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Jeanina, in Brazil, the legal system is lame, but in terms of a pension for old parents, they are strict. My mother has decided to finally file a suit against my brother for financial assistance. I don't know how the legal system works in the US, but maybe you can get free legal assistance to get the PA out of your brother's hands! God will make a way, where there seems to be no way!!!
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I just moved my 88 year old mother into my home. She no-longer is able to care for herself. My brother hold's the power attorney over her trust. And feels I should not get paid for taking care of her. What can I do????

JD
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dont spend precious energy trying to get a bum to help,if he doesnt want to help, then hes not going to, . find a care giver or someone else to help you. im just starting to learn about programs..
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assisted living assistance/nursing home/ or home care are available contact your doctor who can prescribe the one more convenient for you. visit her if you decide to put her in a nursing home and make sure that she is well taking care of. but live your life also. good luck
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9 YEARS. TRY 16 YEARS IN MY HOME FOR MY 100 YEAR OLD FATHER. ALTHOUGH, HE REALLY GOT BAD JUST THIS LAST YEAR. I HAVE NO BROTHERS OR SISTERS OR CHILDREN. MY HUSBAND IS 70 AND I AM 64. I AM AFRAID I AM GOING TO LOSE MY HUSBAND. MY FATHER WON'T GO INTO A NURSING HOME.

I HAVE NORTH PENN HOSPICE IN LANSDALE, PA . THEY ARE THE PITTS. THEY SHOW UP IN THE MORNING TO WASH HIM. THE AIDE THAT USUALLY COMES IS A MENTAL CASE. SHE LIES ABOUT EVERYTHING AND TRIES TO GET OUT OF COMING BY LYING. BUT ONE TIME WHEN SHE HAD THE SWINE FLU, SHE TRIED TO COME. I AM FIGHTING WITH THEM EVERY WEEK. NOW MY FATHER SHOULD BE IN THE HOSPITAL, BUT THEY FORBID ME TO ADMIT HIM. THEY ARE JUST AFRAID OF LOSING THE MONEY. PLEASE DO NOT USE NORTH PENN HOSPICE IN LANSDALE, PA. 19446

THE EXPECT US TO DO EVERYTHING WHILE THEY GO AWAY. THERE IS JUST SO MUCH THE FAMILY CAN DO BUT THEY CAN'T SEEM TO GET IT THROUGH THEIR THICK STUPID HEADS.
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Best wishes, Miggie. I agree with the above comment that your brother should either be helping or contributing monetarily for help.

Don't give up on your prayers to change the situation. If you haven't already, consider going to the library or to Barnes and Noble; skim through books on elder care, look for chapters that address how to deal with siblings. You may pick up some practical tips that cause him to have a change of heart--or strike a nerve.

If all else fails, perhaps shaming your brother into taking some responsibility would do the trick. For example, does he have anyone in his life--personal or professional--who would be appalled to learn of the way he's behaving in regard to his mother's care? Sometimes it just takes a little creativity. :-)

Best wishes and God bless you for the love and devotion you have shown to your dear mom!
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I can hear your frustration and exhaustion. You DESERVE some ongoing help and at least regular respite, which you can get for free. Call your Area Agency on Aging and ask what services and financial assistance might be available to help you get caregiving services into your home or to care for your mother in a facility. Your local AAA rep will be able to tell you about all services and financial assistance that is available to you. If your mother doesn't have financial resources, there is now assistance available for home care as well as nursing home care. You will need to ask her doctor to write orders for her to have 24/7 care OR nursing care. Even though you are providing the care yourself, and are not paying for hired help, she is still currently under 24/7 care and the doctor will be glad to write orders for her to have round the clock care, so that you can get help You can also get periodic respite care, even if you don't hire other ongoing assistance. The Area Agency on Aging is your place to go to learn details about all of your options. Establish a contact with them, and stay in touch - call them about any questions that you have. Developing a continuing relatioinship with an advisor increases their interest in you and as a result, their responsiveness to your questions and needs. You might even contact your local A Place For Mom senior advisor. Even if you don't use a company or facility they recommend, many of them are Certified Senior Advisors and they have a wealth of knowledge that they are happy to share with you. Great thing!!! Their advice is free to you!!! I own Preferred Care at Home of Nashville and Middle TN, and will be seeing my area's Area Agency on Aging counselor later this week, just to learn about the new CHOICES program, which it sounds like your mother might be qualify for. I try to learn as much as I can, myself, so I can help people who call me for advice. Acting a a free information source to help people is as important as providing hired caregivers. Please feel free to call me, if you still have questions, after talking with your Area Agency on Aging Counselor. I was the primary caregiver for my own mother, who lived with me for three years. From the beginning, my two sisters took turns coming into my home to care for her on the weekends, to give me two days off a week. That assistance was very important to my maintaining good mental, physical, and emotional health. Your brother SHOULD be available to assistant in your mother's care. Even though he probably works, he probably has evenings and weekends free. If he won't provide as many hours as you do taking care of her, he should at least pay for someone to cover HIS fair share of the care time. If he can't afford to pay for help, then he should be convinced to accept his rightful responsibilities. He has just as much moral responsibility as you do to care for her. You do not have to cover HIS responsibilites. He needs to be made to see that the care is for his MOTHER, not you. Sounds as though he is being selfish and totally inconsiderate of you. I hope you or someone else can appeal to his sense of responsibility and, though the past cannot be changed, the future sure can. Don 't give up. Don't make his shirking of his duties on him. And, if you decide that you need to move your mother to a facility, which I would have had a hard time doing, myself, try not to beat yourself up over it. The statistics of death and illness developing in long-term caregivers is well documented. Stress is a killer. It causes chemical changes in your body that can allow diseases to set in and result in death. Your brother needs to understand that his helping isn't a matter of giving you the luxury of some free time, but is an essential factor for yiour physical, mental, and emotional HEALTH.
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Thanks Pinkcaddy! I'm glad your mom adjusted and you are controling her affairs. Good for you! i wish you all the best too. And regarding our 'lovely' families, God will deal with them sooner or later, I'm sure, and sad to say.
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Miggie, I'm also in the same boat as you. I'm the only one in the family, and it's quite large, who will take on the responsibilty of my mom. She is now 93 and needs way too much personal care for me to handle alone. The family couldn't care less except for the little money she has, but that's another story. Anyways I went to DSS and got her on Mediaid so she could stay in a nursing home. She's been there a year now and seems to be ajusting nicely. My family is all up in arms now that I control all of moms affairs. Well isn't that just to bad. Where were they when I could have used a little support from them. Hope everything works out for you. Don't feel guilty about placing your mom in a home. You have to think of yourself and your own health. Especially if nobody else will. Good luck to you and your mom :)
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YES one of the first things my Mom's lawyer did was to make me her POA! I also out of the money she saved prepaid her modest funeral arrangements. Good luck and as I said prayers going out to you!
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