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My mom had a series of strokes a few years ago. She has dementia. My brother got power of attorney since she was living with him and his wife. However, My brother's wife does not get along with our mom so they found an assisted living facility where she lived for a couple of years. During her time in the ALF, my brother and his wife very rarely visited her. At holidays and special days, I noticed that the only gifts and cards she received were only from my wife and me. She then ended up in the hospital. When I found out about mom being in the hospital (through a nurse at the assisted living facility), I contacted the hospital. They said she was released. I went to my brother and asked him where she was. he said she was in rehab at a nursing home. Before I could go see her, My brother said she was back in the hospital with dehydration and her kidneys were shutting down. He was quick to say that he would make funeral arrangements.My wife and I went to see her. She looked like she was on her deathbed. After about a week , she was ok to leave the hospital. During her time in the hospital, she said she wanted to go home. To live with us. I told her that I would work on it. I told my brother to let me know when she was to be released. He never did. I found out from the hospital. I called him. He said that dropped our mom off at the same nursing home. I told him that my wife and I want mom to live with us. He did not respond. My wife and I have visited her several times. One day, my wife asked mom if she had seen my brother and his wife, she said no, they're bad. My Wife asked mom if she wanted to come live with us. She said yes and that she is very lonely. I sent texts to my brother about it with no response. I called the other day and told him we wanted mom to come live with us so we can spend time with her, take her out to eat, go shopping and lead a more normal life and so we can care for her and where she will be comfortable, happier and surrounded by us (her loving family around her and not strangers), He said he did not think it was a good idea and that he would not wish that on anyone (referring to mom). I asked why. He said because of how she is. I said that the nursing home was a place where people just wait to die. He agreed and said that there is a resident there who is 104 years old and , he said, she don't even want to die. That was a rude and cruel statement. He has had full power and access to mom's retirement income (which she doesn't even see) and we don't know hoe to make him account for her money and where its going. When I asked him how much it costs for mom to be in this nursing home, he said it doesn't cost anything. Medicare pays for it. So where is her income going? With the amount of money she makes, we could afford to have a nurse to come by and check on her while she stays with us. They also have her on a regular solid food diet and she has no bottom teeth (she has dentures and no one can tell me where her bottom teeth are). She has to borrow a sweater from the nursing home to stay warm (why? My brother could get her one with her money). My wife said that she will buy to give to her. Mom has very few clothes and no personal items besides toothbrush, toothpaste, her glasses and few clothes and no shoes. My wife and I believe he wants her to stay there so he can keep and use her money for himself. He doesn't seem to care if she dies. I believe that he has life insurance policies on her so when she does pass away, he and his wife will collect. I want my mom to live with me and my wife, but he will not agree. I can't afford an attorney but we really want mom to live with us. We want what is best for her and my brother only wants money. What can my wife and I do to get mom out of the nursing home and here with us?

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First Elder Abuse complain to omsbud become pt rights advocate for your mother. Have dehydration etc.. level of care was not appropiate nor within standards of acceptable community care. reason she was hospitalized complaint to DCF standards of care standards of community standards of care. If you are advocate and complaint justified become your mothers DCF authorized represenative payee.there is paper you can sign if your mother says she wants you to represent her. Then medicaid would be reportable to you for her care. You would be her advocate. And complaint through American Disabilities Advocates you can represent her if she so wishes.
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By the way the costs to care for an elderly with Alzheimer's is astronomical. In nyc it's $22.59 per hr. So that's approx 16,000 per month. Or $8,000 per month to sit with mom while u work 8 hours including 2 hour transportation. If u work and have a life beside home and work be prepared to pay.! I prolonged dad staying at home and enjoying his quality of life by paying private pay on and off the books with his savings and pension for 51/2 yrs. However many trips to his house with my young daughter in tote due to lock outs, household chores, shopping and entertainment(movies, party, gatherings kept dad socially involved) was taxing physically and economically. News flash Medicare/Medicaid may b nice and give u 8 hrs each week on a good day. You will stay in the stores for bleach, laundry detergent and buying clothes for incontinence will take over your life. Your household bills will be increasingly high because they are home ALL DAY. Your food bill, gas and electric bill will sky rocket. My con Ed was $400 one month and I live in an apartment. For people with houses what will your water bill look like? Or if u have to pay for heat.?Elderly gets extremely cold. U will buy new clothes and bedding on heavy rotation due to severely soiled garments. As well as pampers that Medicare will not pay for. Just because your elder parent has the pamper don't assume they will go in the pamper. They WILL at times smear feces in walls, floors that will be a mess. You will then have to clean the whole area to assure that you, parent and no family member gets sick i.e Hepatitis. You would also have to give him and yourself a bath. For my dad who walks but either urinates and deficates on tables,
furniture and floors your nights will be sleepless. Be prepared that since u won't be using your moms money you would probably have to purchase new items such as mattresses, couch, shoes, etc that they may get they're hands on. Let's not for get at least for me if your attendant gets to your home late and therefore I'm late to work and is faced with taking cabs. Or better yet finding a HA that doesn't waste fully utilize food for parent or household products or steal things themselves. Don't take care giving lightly there's no money in the world that could alleviate the responsibility and stress that comes along. I like to visit my dad and assist NH with dad when I visit without focusing on stressors and these chores daily. I just focus on me n dad.
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Jeannegibbs is absolutely right. The answer is not court.All it does is waste crucial time that could be spent with your parent and money that could be towards your parent. But me as a caregiver is angry at siblings that get involved when parents are mentally far gone and take advantage of loop holes. Why would siblings wait until the later to assist and say I'll take dad/mom. It should be done during the time when they're more alert so they siblings know what they're getting themselves into and share responsibility. And news flash if you think at no moment that your PARENT won't assist you financially given circumstances when you're caring for them you r out your mind. I would with my own when that time comes. It's their kid for crying out loud no matter what the age. Siblings that have a problem with that are kids that probably r not close to their parent and wouldn't receive any assistance because of their relationship with their parent. And THATS y they didn't care for them when they were more alert as much because the parent was more comfortable where they were at that time and they know it. If not they would have SAID SOMETHING a long time ago which would give u an opportunity to try and discuss. Now the parent has no choice and it stands on he say she say btw sibling rivalry. Terrible! It's HARD work for a caregiver and u would be doing your parent a dis justice. The way I look at it if u can look at it as your brother getting money it could b looked at another way, depending on the severity. people that keep their elderly home may do so for the money, not the care. Instead of finding fault with your sibling you should find compassion. Stepping in now doesn't make you a Martyr but trying to undermine his work with your mom is ridiculous and scrupulous. This is what u set out for? Who would put their parent in a nursing home if they feel it wasn't time.Im quite sure it was the hardest thing to do. It was for me. It's not a death sentence! Take care of your mom regardless where she lays her head and stop worrying about money that wasn't yours to begin with. It will ruin your life. It did with my dad and me. They(1/2siblings) only fighting for him because of what they felt he gave me and what the felt they were entitled to. That's their only concern but with of course accusations of not caring for him properly only to mask the real reason $. Do u really think my father cares whether he felt fit to give me or anyone he wishes money-no! So neither should anyone else. It's heart broken for the elderly to feel at these stages no one just wants to care for u, love u and talk to u. It's about money, money, money. Your mom is being and has always been taking care of all this rims so who cares?! So stop it! But just a feeling of being used in a pawn to "get back" at sibling or for money assistance. Let it go! Money isn't everything. You won't miss what u didn't have but u will miss these precious moments with your loved one. It's not worth it!
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i feel for you dealing with this situation. My mother has a power of attorney and named my brother as the agent to handle her finances.I am concerned because he is selfish and greedy. when Mom was living in her home and he was supposed to pay her rent for his house he never did but instead remodeled his home However, this is not activiated and she can revoke it
My suggestion is to petition the court for guardianship of the person and the estate(finances) and ask the court revoke the POA. Your mother wouldn't be able to revoke the POA because it is activiated and thus she is considered incapacitated.. You would need to hire an attorney that works with estates and guardianships. I don't know of anyway around this. Please consider a consultation with an attorney who is experienced in these matters.This comes from my experience as a guardian and it is not legal advise. God bless you and your wife. Your mother has guardian angels.
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KDowney my heart breaks for you, I was there and took my Mom home also. I would go see a lawyer to get the correct steps to take. Caregiving is super hard, I have had my Mom 6 years now but regardless I wouldnt put her in a nursing home ever. You need help once she gets like my Mom, non verbal, cannot walk, etc but its still wonderful that she is in the next room from me in my home sleeping and wakes up laughing at nothing, who cares, she is so happy in her own little world. Please see a lawyer, the first visits are usually always free, maybe you could get guardianship or a caregivers contract .Once medicare runs out, your brother will have to pay about 10,000 a month for a nursing home, or they will put a lean on her assets and get it eventually. IF you do win and get to take her, remember you need to get paid, less than half the cost of a nursing home would be good. You will eventually need diapers, bedpads,her meds, thick it, clothing, maybe a new recliner or mattress, and help so that you can also have a life outside of the home because she wont be able to stay alone, the list grows yearly. If your wife does buy her clothing, buy extra extra big because when you end up dressing them in a wheelchair or bed eventually, is makes it so much easier. Good Luck!
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There is no 1 on 1 in a facility. He cherishes talking to me while we are out. & loves seeing the sky.
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I still suggest trial runs of short times outside the facility OR a short stay with you before committing OR at least more time inside the facility seeing what her care needs are. Some of these trial runs will let you see how she interacts with you & accepts her care. I don't know how possible that is but I would at least bring her out of the fac for short times to see how she is on the outside. My dad becomes more attentive, talks more but also relaxes more while we are in the car because driving is relaxing. He is generally more relaxed in my presence than at the fac because at the facility he darts around in the wheelchair alot. And doesn't have anyone to chat with. We chat while out. The NH still does the care. I do the company.
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Maybe a compromise would be to move her somewhere near you, maybe the brother would realize that would not be so bad. find a suitable place and offer it up - might be better anyway if she has full blown dementia to have her with qualified medical help always nearby - depending on her mental abilities, that might be a better idea.
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Since you seem to think that his actions may be motivated by your brother wanting to keep her retirement money for himself, I'd like to point out a few things:

Medicare does NOT pay for long-term nursing home care. (It does cover temporary rehab stays.)

Medicaid does cover nursing home care. But in that case the retirement money all goes to the nursing home, and Medicaid pays the amount the pension doesn't cover. Mom gets a small allowance. The POA gets nothing.

So ... I don't see what your brother has to gain financially by keeping her in NH. He cannot be keeping her retirement money if she is on Medicaid. And if she is not on Medicaid, then she must be paying for the NH out of her pension. How could he gain?

If you really have reason to think that he is using Mom's money for himself and not for her, please report your concern to Adult Protective Services. They will investigate. But somehow the NH is getting paid for caring for Mom, and that will have to involve them taking her pension. Just keep that in mind.

The other topic I'd like to comment on is the nature of dementia. I really don't think that people with dementia lie, but they have their own view of reality. Many caregivers wind up the "bad guys" in the eyes of the person with dementia they are caring for. Tragically a son who has sacrificed greatly for a parent will be accused of stealing from her; a daughter who gave up a career and is doing without many things to care for her parent will be badmouthed to other relatives as being selfish. Persons with dementia might claim their caregiver never feeds them or abuses them or leaves them alone all day, when none of this is true at all. I'm not sure you can take your mother literally when she says your brother is "bad."

How much help did you and your wife provide when Mom was living with your brother? Did you call daily to see how everything was going? Did you take her for a weekend every month, so they could have time to themselves? Did you come by and take Mom out to eat and to sales? How often did you see her and get to see her dementia symptoms? Sometimes -- and I certainly don't know if it applies in this case -- the caregiving couple get to feeling like they are in this all alone, and so they later don't bother to keep the siblings informed.

Whatever is hampering communications between you and your brother, my hope is that it can heal, and you can start sharing your concerns with each other. You will have your brother in your life longer than either of you will have your mother.
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My sister had POA for my mother and put her in Assisted Living (actually, a Senior apartment with a cafeteria.. no real "assistance"..).. My husband and I kidnapped her from there and she has been living with us ever since- about a year and a half. It was a real mess at the time, but it all worked out.
She wanted to come live with us and she did. She terminated my sisters POA and eventually gave me POA.

That said, it is a tough road to travel. We are blessed in having two ladies who come and stay with my mom during the day and sometimes on weekends...otherwise it would be alot harder. She does enjoy going to yard sales and second hand stores. Even has a guy at church she is sweet on. She is doing much better now than when she was in Assisted Living. That's the important part.
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If you have been visiting her alot you will know alot of what she needs. I just think it helps to see how they are when out of the facility in your company. My dad changes completely whenever we are out & about. He is more of a captive audience.
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at least you would get an idea what the care of her is like while out. You could technically take her out every day as long as you give enuf notice so therapy has already seen her or sees her after you come back. At least you would have her under your care while out. I don't know how much care she requires since she has been ALF then later SNF & some hospital. Is she walking? Does she need asst walking like a person or a cane? Does she self toilet? She cannot be bedbound if she is in a SNF under medicare which is why I really don't understand the hospice suggestion. Home health for a limited time would come under medicare & continue rehab at home (with less equipment of course) unless you could find an outside rehab to take her to that would be covered. I have heard of those that are attached to SNFs that take ppl from home. And the continuation after the 100 days does not matter because home health is under medicare in a different billing period. They will also supply shower or bathing help. They will try to supply a doctor to come to the home but I would not suggest this if you can carry her in your car to a family doctor at an office. It is much easier to bill to medicare the MD services if you call ahead & make sure it is covered. The home health agency will swear their visiting md is covered by medicare & supplemental but the co part & any extra ordered tests or anything will bounce back at you. It happened to me & was really inconvenient anyway having to stay home & wait rather than going to the office & back home on your own schedule.
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I can sympathize with your desire to bring him home to care for him at home. Hospice & home health whether covered or private pay are excellent options & probably be used. Have you called Private Duty agencies just to ascertain hourly rates & minimum number of hours they want to bill for? They are very expensive at least in my book they are. Especially considering that most in my area will only accept a 4 hour minimum so if they are 12 dollars an hour which is for a CNA not a trained clinical like a nurse then that is 48 dollars which is not cheap depending how often you needed the service. I have never understood the mentality of facilities being better for patients than at home. I believe that most ppl that believe this have not experienced firsthand what the care is like in most facilities or easily believe what they need to. My exhusband loves to live in denial so he only visits his 101 year old mom during the day for brief visits. He makes sure to visit when all the front office staff is in the building which are the cats. After 5 pm & until 8 or 9 am the cats go home to their home & that is when the mice do play. He never has visited during those hours to witness the neglect. Neglect will not occur most likely between 8 & 5 which is an excellent setup since that is when most visit or call including doctors, their assistants, state advocacy, & family. The fact that there is plenty of staff inside a building occurs when EVERYONE visits. In the evenng & overnight those buildings are an entirely diff. story. I often wonder if ppl realize that most facilities have 1 nurse to 20 to 30 patients along with 1 CNA per 10-15 patients from 6am to 2pm & 2pm to 10pm. From 10pm to 6am all these NHs have 1 nurse to 40-50 patients & 1 aid to 30-40 patients because the patients are all supposed to be asleep. In fact like caring for babies they promote & pat themselves on the back for having all their hall patients in bed by 6 pm & in rare cases by 7pm. These same patients are not gotten out of bed until 7-8 am & that's if they are in short term therapy. So the most mobile patients are expected to be in bed for 12 hours minimum. This is not seen by many visitors because no one visits except when the bosses are in the building which again is 8-5. So it really doesn't matter if there are more staff members than 1 person at home. What matters is how many patients they share. Some patients are going to be squekier wheels & complainers & get a great deal of attention. The ones that never speak or require attention will get very little care because each employee can only do so much.

As for the finances I don't think that many ppl put a patient in a facility to keep their money or take their money because these facilities are expensive. I don't know why he chose a facility. But I would gather as much info as you can before choosing to bring her home with you. Does she need any kind of accessibility meaning ramps or anything from the outside to get in? And as for hospice that may not be possible if she is in on medicare since if she is billed to medicare she is growing stronger no matter how she looks & that doesn't usually match a 6 month or less order. If your main reasons are that you wish to have her with you & keep her happy. More power to you & I hope it works out.

I truly wish I had decided to bring dad back home for care before he became wheelchair because I have no accessible space. You will have some time you can decide (only a brief time) & if she doesn't need more equipment or accessibility now then that is the best time to do it before she declines & makes it harder to provide accomodations or care.

God bless you for wanting to. Keep us posted. Maybe it will give me hope to be able to bring dad home. In the meantime I spend alot of time removing him from the building for dinner & concerts at senior centers. Anywhere there is a ramp.
Of course on medicare you have to return within 3 hours. Could you talk to your brother about taking her home or out to restaurants for a couple hours to see how the outings go & get an idea what it is like. I would suggest out in public just so it isn't confusing for her, getting her hopes up.
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Hi there. Like the others, I'm sorry for the difficult situation you face.

Here are a few concrete ideas:

1. Have you seen the Power of Attorney and Health Care Surrogate paperwork with your own eyes? If not, it is time to get hold of a copy. Depending upon what these documents say, you might have some options.

2. Assuming that the documents are valid and were sign when your mother had capacity to do so, then they are the governing documents and if they appoint your brother as sole decision maker then that limits your options. If you feel that your mother is being abused (including financially) by your brother, you can make a report to adult protective services or petition the court for guardianship. However, if you go this route, you will need to be able to make the case that your mother is suffering from abuse or neglect and that it is because of something your brother is (or is not) doing.

3. Try to have a family meeting with your brother and work through some of these issues, perhaps with an objective third party facilitating the conversation(s). Perhaps there are answers to many of your questions and once you know those answers your brother's decision making will make more sense to you.

It can be very difficult to be the sibling on the "outside" and I always coach my clients who are the POAs, etc. to over-communicate with their siblings to avoid a scenario like this one.

Good luck!

Sheri Samotin, CPC, PDMM
Author of Facing the Finish: A Road Map for Aging Parents and Adult Children
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I don't understand how your brother "got" the POA. This is not something you can just go out and "get." Your mom would have had to give it to your brother, and if she already had dementia she could not have given it, the POA can only be given if someone is still in sound mind.
So to me, it sounds like your mom did not really understand what she was signing, and the POA should be nullified....however to do that you probably have to go to court and have the whole thing documented and looked at by a judge. For that you may need an attorney---but perhaps Elder Abuse in your state can be of some help.
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oops another final thought. He may have screwed up any chance of medicare with his financial dealings.... try to talk to an accountant or someone so you don't end up having to pay going forward because he racked up unpaid bills. I don't know about the finances part.
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I have a different take than most here. It sounds like your Mom might be close to death, and you might get good services from contacting Hospice, she can have hospice in a NH or in a private home. Feeling the way she does, I bet home is where when she opens her eyes she sees a familiar face. From what I read, she knows who you are, so you are Home, NOT a NH or a rehab facility. tell your brother you know she will need a lot of care, you feel it is cheaper to hire someone to come in daily than to stay in the NH, but you need her funds to pay for it. This is of course assuming you have the xtra room in your home. If she can think and feel do not leave her alone with strangers all day. Make your brother come to Jesus and threaten to absolve the POA because he is not acting in her best interests as such, as proven by her time in the hospitals..... God bless you.
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Hi kdowney2105,
I agree with the above posters about you and your wife taking your Mom in.
I use to think like you, I am an only child who would have done anything for my parents (please note the word anything, because it is not the case now)
My parents are 89 about to turn 90. They started to get sick in 2012. My father first than my Mother. Then my Mother again and than my Father. Up to this day they seem to take turns. My Mother lived with us because my Father could not take care of her but got very nasty. I moved in with them the summer of 2012 because he broke his pelvis in 3 places. Left husband by himself. Took my yellow lab with me, not even the dog wanted to stay at Grand-ma's and Grand-dad's. Then I moved back to live with my husband during Sandy. Mother came down with Spetis and she moved in with my husband and me. Both nasty and mean every day. Too long a story to continue with kidney cancer and broken hips. Waiting for the next shoe to drop. The more we do for them the meaner they get. They both hate us now and tell everyone how horrible we were to them. Please look over posts and think before you take your Mom in. By taking them in our 59 year relationship is down the tubes. My parents are dead in my mind and now I have to take care of 2 demented strangers. Be careful PLEASE.
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Honestly I don't think you know what you are facing if you take your mom in. If you aren't happy with the nursing home, then find another one, but don't assume such a responsibility when it most likely isn't necessary. Unless of course you are ready to give up your life as you know it. It's not fun, and for me at least, it is far far far far from rewarding.
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KD your brother's attitude might have a lot to do with the years your mother spent living in his and his wife's home. How long was that, three or more years? That's plenty of time for relationships to turn very sour. I'm not saying it makes it ok for him to seem indifferent to his mother's welfare (let aside the financial queries for now); just that it may not be as straightforward as it looks to you.

It should also give you pause for thought, before you and your wife offer to take your mother into your home. How did your brother and your mother get on in days gone by? Because if all used to be well, and now it isn't, you should bear in mind that you could end up in very similar shoes to his unless you're careful. Little old ladies are not sugar and spice and all things nice, or not necessarily, anyway.

Turning to the more concrete issues of what is going on with your mother's income and care costs, posters above are right to say that at some point - whether for your information or otherwise - your brother is going to be called to account for every penny of your mother's money. Any skulduggery will come to light. Without POA you have no business to insist on being given information, but as your mother's son, or for that matter as a concerned member of the public, you have every right to raise questions. You could approach APS, you could speak to the manager of the NH where your mother currently is, or her social worker if she has one; or, of course, you could speak to your brother. Unless you've severed all contact with him, there is nothing wrong with asking him reasonable questions and expecting a reasonable answer. Don't send texts or emails - they're prone to being overlooked, as well as actively ignored. Pick up the phone and speak to him.

Your brother's having said he "wouldn't wish that on anyone" makes me strongly suspect that he and, perhaps more likely, his wife have suffered a severe case of caregiver burnout. It jaundices a person, sometimes permanently. Learn from his experience, ask more about it, perhaps show him some sympathy and understanding. Then you can act as your mother's advocate on the basis of much better information.

Best of luck. Whether or not you do decide to bring your mother to live with you, having gained agreement to this, you are clearly determined to do your best for her. I wish you every success.
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I agree with Assandache7 and Tennie - please read stories in this forum and get a real feel for what we, as caregivers, are faced with on a 24/7 basis. I can only speak for myself but I don't have a life anymore - everything revolves around my Dad. If I need or want to get away for a few days, I have to pay someone to stay with him and that doesn't come cheap! As I was prior to moving my Dad in with my husband and me, I fear you may not realize how "needy" your Mom really is. I suggest visiting her on a regular basis and you, of course, could take her out to eat or take her for a short visit to your home at times - just make sure she is comfortable and knows she is loved.
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Well, I will probably be the minority here; however, I would NOT leave her in the place from which she has already winded up in a hospital twice!

I tended my mother for 18 yrs. She had parkinsons disease with episodes of dimentia getting worse toward the end. The other posters are right in that it will take a lot out of you to care for your mother in her condition; however, the way I got around all that is:

1. Had a nursing assistant come in to tend her 4 hrs a day 7 days a week; and
2. Choosing to live in the country where I could walk out among God's trees and spend time with my small herd of dairy goats.

In your situation where your brother has POA and you cannot afford an attorney, I personally would handle it differently, though you may not be in condition to do so. I would leave that POA holding brother with the responsibilities that go along with that, report a "possible" abuse of such to the local authorities, find myself a place (home) for my family to live where your brother cannot find you and kidnap my mother! But that is me!!!
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Definitely read more in this forum, many have had to face what you are facing. Leave her in the NH for a while and visit often. When she says she wants to go home, try to find out where home is, to her. You may find she's talking about a place she lived long ago, as a child or young bride, not home as you are thinking of it. Let the skilled NH staff help you care for her, there in a safe place with the facilities needed to help her. It's not just a place that people go to die, it's a place for people to be helped. And let go of the money concerns; most likely, the state will take care of getting the money back from your brother when the time comes.

Please, don't rush to take her 'home'. Let go of these fears and worry, just be there for her.
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First I'm sorry this is happening...

She will not be on medicare for long, brother will have to apply for medicaid and they will look back 5 years of her funds to see where she spent the money. So if brother is POA he will have to show receipts, bank statements etc. of where Mom spent the money. If she isn't approved for medicaid she'll have to private pay until she is approved.. So as POA he'll have to find monthly payments..

That being said: I understand you're love and concern for your Mom but care giving is a tough job.. Please read through this forum , all of us are exhausted and financially strapped..If Mom has dementia which I assume she does, being lonely and depression is part of the disease..

Visit her often, you can still care for her in the NH.. just remember they are professionals and there are more of them then just you and your wife..So she will have professionals caring for her who aren't tired, physically and emotionally.

Hugs to you.. Again please read thru forum regarding the effects of having your loved one at your home..
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