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My mother was insistant she record her wishes in an INFORMAL type of will. There was no real estate, no money, only one bank account POD to me, and her 5k life insurance. Her belongings furniture etc, actually belongs to me, and has for some 30 years. I was going to move also but changed my mind. After my dad died in 2012 mum became almost crazy with wanting to make sure there wouldn't be any problems, or question as to what belonged to who. Neither mum or I really for a second thought that anyone would fight for something they KNEW already belonged to me. Anyway, 2 yrs ago we sat down and hand wrote her wishes, in which it was clearly stated what she wanted, how the life insurance & any remaining cash was to be spent. I was the sole beneficiary of the life insurance, & her designated representative.
I had to literally force mum to leave something (pictures, wine glasses etc) to my brother. In the end we just stated that I was to decide what was to be given.
Out of the life insurance etc, final expenses to be taken out, the cost of moving items from MO to CA, and repayment of any monies spent to care for her etc.
In the end I ended up with a massive negative cash flow.
I won't bore you with all that happened, but surficed to say, I havent spoken with my brother since leaving.
As I drove through horrible storms in a 16ft truck, he texted me demanding accounting of mums money. (7k was all left including life insurance). & copy of will... which I sent on my return home.
Now he is demanding I pretend he is probate judge, and give account of ANY & ALL accounts open/closed, out standing debt, copy of will, and life insurance, and ANY & ALL documents/expenses pertaining to OUR parents affairs. Remember dad died in 2012 and mum 2014.
What is he entitled to? Other than a copy of her will if you could call it that.
He wasn't on the life insurance, so do I have to provide that?

What the **** would you do???

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Um. So, essentially… your mother died intestate.

You were her designated representative in what sense? Did you hold a formal POA before her passing away?

What you're looking for is any kind of formal status to your handling of your mother's affairs. Has anyone else at all been involved?

Is this hand-written "will" in her hand or yours?

The thing is, whether or not your brother is entitled to know every last detail, you could be required to account for how your mother's assets, income and now estate were managed. Can you, if you have to?
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If you want to play hardball, wait for him to retain an attorney. He may not do that. I'm assuming the life insurance was payable to you alone. If that's not true, if it was payable to BOTH of you, you are guilty of fraud.

Keep track of everything. You should see a lawyer. Your brother is probably entitled to half of everything. She died without a will, so your state's succession laws come into play.
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If you were personally named a beneficiary of a life insurance policy that money is yours. If you were in her savings as a joint owner that money should also be yours. I would ask brother exactly what he is looking for ? Did mom intend for you to share any left over savings upon her death? If there was nothing left, do a very informal accounting of moms monthly bills versus her income to show him that you actually supported your mom. If all else fails and you can't talk to him, the ball is in his court to get a lawyer to prove you misappropriated funds. Personally if I felt i did everything by the book, I wouldn't pay a lawyer until it is absolutely necessary. If you are not sure, contact a lawyer now. Good luck
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Yes I was POA prior to her death, legally. I wrote most of it, dictated by her. She wrote 2 sentences, she signed every page, and it was witnessed.
Yes, I can account for everything.
When we got her life insurance of 5k, I asked for my brother for his SS# so I could have him on the policy as #2, but he refused to give it.
I have every receipt of every dime I spent before & after mum died.
My mother's only assets after life insurance, and the maybe $1,200 left in bank account (which I had to use to pay for her spend down, rent and groceries) were items such as, pictures, TV (which I bought for my dad) a carpet which she gave me, a table which she also gave me, and other misc household items. The day after she died, my brother walked in and took a pyres bowl, and a baking pan, stating *Well, we gave these to her*, so I think it's ok that I keep the TV!
I can't believe I said that.
If he wishes to take me to court, I have no problem with that, other than I have no money to pay a lawyer. Also, he knew ALL about the *will*/notation of her wishes, I told him, and complained bitterly about it, I even asked him what he wanted, to which he answered *nothing*.
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Maggie, I was only one on life insurance, and the only bank account was POD to me.
IF there was any money left AFTER everything was paid, she wanted to have her ashes scattered where my father is, BUT ONLY IF there was anything left, She clearly stated no one was to go into debt before or after her death. Then, IF after those wishes were met, there was anything left, it was to be split between us.
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Patrice2oz, my husband will love your comment, because that is exactly what he had me do. Thank you.
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OH I FORGOT to ask this..... he is also wanting everything relating to our father's death, and affairs..... ???? Surely I don't have to do anything about that?
In the letter he sent me, (typed on the back of a JC Penny flyer), he says, he regrets not getting involved, or playing a part in their lives, and affairs.
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If your mom was if sound mind at the time of your dads death i would just ignore your brothers questions about the state of moms finances after dad died. Is he feeling guilt because there is no inheritance or because he didn't help his parents in their final years. No response necessary
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I'm not very familiar with holographic wills and your profile doesn't state where your mother lived when she died, so I'd suggest you google "holographic wills" in your mother's state of residence and do some research on them. It's my understanding generally that a handwritten (holographic) will is legal if it's witnessed, but not by the beneficiary.

So first I'd do some research to confirm that the will was legal. If so, the issue of dying intestate might be moot.

It doesn't seem as if there was much of an estate after your mother died, and I'm assuming that you inventoried her assets, such as they were. You could send a copy of that to your brother. I don't see, however, that he's entitled to any information on her finances prior to her death.

As to his demand for "everything" on your father's affairs, either make him be specific or just send him a copy of an inventory and disposition of assets.

I do suspect, though, that his intention is not to get information but to harass and make trouble, so protect yourself, document everything you do and send to him and don't be surprised what he'll come up with.

For those assets that were either held jointly with, and/or passed directly to you, they were outside the estate and don't need to be accounted for to your brother.

But I would definitely check on the legality and requirements for holographic wills in the state in which your mother resided as your first step.
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So...when mom died she left you everthing but after expenses you claimed to have negative cash flow and the brother grabbed a dish or something. What is there to fight about? A house? Some cash? I don't see that you owe him anything but I'm curious as to how you became moms princess and brother the black sheep. Not asking for a novel here, just basic info.
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I knew of a woman who monetarily provided for her son during his lifetime. Daughter was the one who actually looked out for mom, took her shopping, etc. wanted to move and would not leave mom in her house alone in the area noe force Her out of it. When the time came, mom moved in with daughter. Mom decided to leave her money in her name and her daughters. This daughter asked nothing if her mother and the brother was needy his entire life. I see absolutely nothing wrong with leaving money to one sibling over the other. There could be many personal reasons for Chess' mom to have made this decision and in the case of my friend she was so far from being a princess but the complete opposite.
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Hi Chess - I am so sorry for your loss and WHY is it that people act this way?
So my understanding of facts: No house. 5K life insurance to you. Small bank account POD to you only used for final expenses and reimburse your expenses incurred in caring for mother as outlined in her holographic will.
Your father died in 2012. Your mother was sole heir and I assume was executor of will as spouse. There was not a distribution of assets mentioned in will that granted your brother anything or brother would have been given the items. Your brother did not choose to be involved at that point and didn't challenge any will or property distribution in 2012 through current date. If you had a copy of father's will and you were the executor and he were mentioned, you could send him a copy if you were inclined. Unless you were executor and he was mentioned in will, you really don't owe him anything. Your mother might have, but she's gone now. If there was no will and mother inherited all as surviving spouse, nothing you can give. Oopsy - waited too long to contact mom - too bad, so sad.
If you've already provided him a copy of mother's will, a copy of the life insurance (which shows that he is NOT mentioned as a beneficiary), a rough inventory of house contents (noting who was actual property owner), and list of bank accounts and income and what was NOT left, you've done more than your fair share.
Often people who had little involvement in care decide there is some huge cash pile or valuable items being kept from them. I think it has to do with the idea that caregiving would not have been done without some big money payout at the end. This kind of narcissist cannot comprehend caring for a loved one because you want their life ending to be with family and at home.
Your brother is trying to bully you. My brother and executrix sister had some head-butting after my mom died. He was *convinced* that she had a huge final payout for pension to leave from teacher retirement. Turned out that Mom had chosen an option that left $10K at her death to my sister as executor which covered her cremation and niche. That pension option paid Mom extra during her lifetime. Mom used it to travel and help my brother/SIL and his grandkids for college. Her artwork was not valuable, her furniture was not antique, and an old "Persian" carpet that family thought was valuable was trashed by animals and not "Persian" at all - a 1920's knockoff:) My brother took Mom's car as part of his payout and received 1/3 of house value in cash from my sister since he didn't want to wait for it to sell. Later when she sold it, he wanted to have a share of any profit that she made (after repairs, there wasn't one)...
If he finds a lawyer, then I would pull the rest of the info together. Unless there is an obvious payout (you are moving to mansion on hill or suddenly wearing gold jewelry and traveling mucho in changed lifestyle) most lawyers won't touch his huffing. Seagulls - fly in, make a lot of noise, eat other's food, sh*t on everything, then fly off again. Enjoy your memories of your parents - leave him his legacy of guilt.
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Guestshop, very nice summary of the situation - very easy to follow and understand.

And I agree with your colorful assessment of seagulls and the likelihood of an attorney suing. Attorneys aren't likely to waste their time suing when there's little if any likelihood of recovery.
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The seagull thing...D*mn! I gotta remember that one.....That was an excellent summation by guest shop. Is it accurate? Chess are you still out there?
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I can think of some so-called professionals that emulate seagulls. I remember quite a few when I was getting estimates for fixing up my sister's house....pompous, alleged tradesmen who blew in driving their big 4x4s, engines rumbling... hopped out of their cars, and instead of looking at my work scope proceeded to tell me what THEY would do. Couldn't wait until they were gone.

One even prolonged his cameo appearance by taking personal phone calls from his girlfriend and arranging his luncheon dates. I was SOOOO impressed - not!

At least seagulls are graceful.
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Chessafo, he is overwhelmed with grief and guilt for being so uninvolved. Rather than blame himself, he blames you. Very common, unfortunately. Ignore his texts, and if you speak, calmly suggest he see a counselor and not to contact you until he does.
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By the way I wish I could take credit for seagulls. It was first mentioned on another thread and it was SO RIGHT that I've used it a lot since!! Pamsteg I wish I thought it was guilt motivating brother. The demands for money specifics just don't ring true to me. I agree about ignoring texts. I especially like the note on back of Penneys flyer. Class act all around
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Windyridge, that is the point, there is nothing to fight over, no house no cash nothing. Unless he knows something I don't know. I was and am not anyone's princess, nor is my brother the black sheep, our mother didn't treat us as such. If the definition of being a Princess is taking care of our mother in every way, then I guess I am. Fact is, he or rather his wife just isn't satisfied with what they got or didn't get.
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Just a thought, w/o any inference of this in your posts, but a random possibility...if your brother had run up debts or was in financial trouble, he might have been looking for a silver lining in his inheritance, believing that there was much more available than there was.
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So, you've been caring for mom for years and she assigned everything to you long ago, such as it is, and brother and wife are looking for some payday that ain't there. Is that the bottom line? If so, I don't see that you need to give him any info about the estate, finances or anything only to the extent you may have to maintain a relationship with him. I meant no offence with the Princess remark, just trying to figure out the situation. Thanks for the info.
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Since everything is kosher, you MAY want to go ahead and give him copies of darn near anything as long as it is not something like a letter that would sound mean-spirited or hurtful. He sounds like he has a mix of feelings ranging from childish hurt to grown-up regret and maybe the "nothing to hide" approach would help him come to grips with his regrets as he really needs to. And, it may head off a legal action - either he will be able to see that it is not legit, or a lawyer would take one look and turn him down and maybe even tell him that its not worth a fight and he has no leg to stand on legal or morally speaking.
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Fair does not mean equal. My sibling, by their choice, only had occasional phone contact with my mom for the last 20 years of her life. The week before my mom passed, age 90, my sibling came for a brief visit. Sibling did not wait a month after my my mom died to demand copies of current and any prior wills. This was followed by trying to obtain copies of mother's medical records. Advised my mother's attorney of the requests. Have not heard a peep from sibling since. Now, as guestshopadmin said I am enjoying memories of my mom (&dad too) and sibling has a legacy of quilt.
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oops! Legacy of guilt. No quilts involved.
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Geesh, I would ask him for a full accounting of all the money (with receipts) he has spent in caring for uour mother over the past ten years.
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Very neat, Sheenaz! Great response :)
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Sheenaz, I second the compliment! What a great idea to put someone in their place and stop the harassment. I'm going to remember that!
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Great idea, Sheenaz! I would also include a request for the time spent caring for or communicating with mom, which in the case of my brother would be zero.
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And for others in similar situations of having a nonparticipatory sibling, I say document your time, your out of pocket expenses, and be prepared to send those to the sibling when he/she asks "where did all the money go? (i.e., WHERE'S MY SHARE?!!!"). Then ask him/her for a similar itemization.

A few cards a year and one Christmas present don't add up to caregiving.
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Show him what u have. I assumed she lived with you. You are entitled to the insurance. His fault he wasn't on the policy. Did she probate when ur Dad died? She was entitled to what he had. Love siblings that do nothing but have their hands out.
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I don't know about the rest, but I do know that as beneficiary of her life insurance, it goes to you, it is not part of the estate or will or anything that would be any of his business.
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