My mother was insistant she record her wishes in an INFORMAL type of will. There was no real estate, no money, only one bank account POD to me, and her 5k life insurance. Her belongings furniture etc, actually belongs to me, and has for some 30 years. I was going to move also but changed my mind. After my dad died in 2012 mum became almost crazy with wanting to make sure there wouldn't be any problems, or question as to what belonged to who. Neither mum or I really for a second thought that anyone would fight for something they KNEW already belonged to me. Anyway, 2 yrs ago we sat down and hand wrote her wishes, in which it was clearly stated what she wanted, how the life insurance & any remaining cash was to be spent. I was the sole beneficiary of the life insurance, & her designated representative.
I had to literally force mum to leave something (pictures, wine glasses etc) to my brother. In the end we just stated that I was to decide what was to be given.
Out of the life insurance etc, final expenses to be taken out, the cost of moving items from MO to CA, and repayment of any monies spent to care for her etc.
In the end I ended up with a massive negative cash flow.
I won't bore you with all that happened, but surficed to say, I havent spoken with my brother since leaving.
As I drove through horrible storms in a 16ft truck, he texted me demanding accounting of mums money. (7k was all left including life insurance). & copy of will... which I sent on my return home.
Now he is demanding I pretend he is probate judge, and give account of ANY & ALL accounts open/closed, out standing debt, copy of will, and life insurance, and ANY & ALL documents/expenses pertaining to OUR parents affairs. Remember dad died in 2012 and mum 2014.
What is he entitled to? Other than a copy of her will if you could call it that.
He wasn't on the life insurance, so do I have to provide that?

What the **** would you do???

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Geesh, I would ask him for a full accounting of all the money (with receipts) he has spent in caring for uour mother over the past ten years.
Helpful Answer (13)

Hi Chess - I am so sorry for your loss and WHY is it that people act this way?
So my understanding of facts: No house. 5K life insurance to you. Small bank account POD to you only used for final expenses and reimburse your expenses incurred in caring for mother as outlined in her holographic will.
Your father died in 2012. Your mother was sole heir and I assume was executor of will as spouse. There was not a distribution of assets mentioned in will that granted your brother anything or brother would have been given the items. Your brother did not choose to be involved at that point and didn't challenge any will or property distribution in 2012 through current date. If you had a copy of father's will and you were the executor and he were mentioned, you could send him a copy if you were inclined. Unless you were executor and he was mentioned in will, you really don't owe him anything. Your mother might have, but she's gone now. If there was no will and mother inherited all as surviving spouse, nothing you can give. Oopsy - waited too long to contact mom - too bad, so sad.
If you've already provided him a copy of mother's will, a copy of the life insurance (which shows that he is NOT mentioned as a beneficiary), a rough inventory of house contents (noting who was actual property owner), and list of bank accounts and income and what was NOT left, you've done more than your fair share.
Often people who had little involvement in care decide there is some huge cash pile or valuable items being kept from them. I think it has to do with the idea that caregiving would not have been done without some big money payout at the end. This kind of narcissist cannot comprehend caring for a loved one because you want their life ending to be with family and at home.
Your brother is trying to bully you. My brother and executrix sister had some head-butting after my mom died. He was *convinced* that she had a huge final payout for pension to leave from teacher retirement. Turned out that Mom had chosen an option that left $10K at her death to my sister as executor which covered her cremation and niche. That pension option paid Mom extra during her lifetime. Mom used it to travel and help my brother/SIL and his grandkids for college. Her artwork was not valuable, her furniture was not antique, and an old "Persian" carpet that family thought was valuable was trashed by animals and not "Persian" at all - a 1920's knockoff:) My brother took Mom's car as part of his payout and received 1/3 of house value in cash from my sister since he didn't want to wait for it to sell. Later when she sold it, he wanted to have a share of any profit that she made (after repairs, there wasn't one)...
If he finds a lawyer, then I would pull the rest of the info together. Unless there is an obvious payout (you are moving to mansion on hill or suddenly wearing gold jewelry and traveling mucho in changed lifestyle) most lawyers won't touch his huffing. Seagulls - fly in, make a lot of noise, eat other's food, sh*t on everything, then fly off again. Enjoy your memories of your parents - leave him his legacy of guilt.
Helpful Answer (10)

To EVERYONE who has taken the time to post, Thank You!!! Sorry I haven't been more responsive, BUT it's taken me until last night to do the *accounting* my brother asked/demanded. Did it to the penny...good thing I kept every receipt in 2 HUGE plastic bags. Anyway, ended up after counting all the money that came IN for the months I looked after mum, money in bank, etc, and Life Insurance, against the money that went OUT, there was a NEGATIVE $1,250. I didn't include Life Insurance info because as many said, I was beneficiary. AND POD on bank account. He will have it in his hot hands Monday. It's a relief (kinda) to have it done, whether it's the end of it, I doubt it.
Helpful Answer (7)

Chessafo, he is overwhelmed with grief and guilt for being so uninvolved. Rather than blame himself, he blames you. Very common, unfortunately. Ignore his texts, and if you speak, calmly suggest he see a counselor and not to contact you until he does.
Helpful Answer (6)

If you were personally named a beneficiary of a life insurance policy that money is yours. If you were in her savings as a joint owner that money should also be yours. I would ask brother exactly what he is looking for ? Did mom intend for you to share any left over savings upon her death? If there was nothing left, do a very informal accounting of moms monthly bills versus her income to show him that you actually supported your mom. If all else fails and you can't talk to him, the ball is in his court to get a lawyer to prove you misappropriated funds. Personally if I felt i did everything by the book, I wouldn't pay a lawyer until it is absolutely necessary. If you are not sure, contact a lawyer now. Good luck
Helpful Answer (4)

I can think of some so-called professionals that emulate seagulls. I remember quite a few when I was getting estimates for fixing up my sister's house....pompous, alleged tradesmen who blew in driving their big 4x4s, engines rumbling... hopped out of their cars, and instead of looking at my work scope proceeded to tell me what THEY would do. Couldn't wait until they were gone.

One even prolonged his cameo appearance by taking personal phone calls from his girlfriend and arranging his luncheon dates. I was SOOOO impressed - not!

At least seagulls are graceful.
Helpful Answer (4)

By the way I wish I could take credit for seagulls. It was first mentioned on another thread and it was SO RIGHT that I've used it a lot since!! Pamsteg I wish I thought it was guilt motivating brother. The demands for money specifics just don't ring true to me. I agree about ignoring texts. I especially like the note on back of Penneys flyer. Class act all around
Helpful Answer (4)

I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said, other than to say I *love* the seagull analogy, and Sheenaz's advice to tell bro to pony up his portion of the caregiving expenses based on the final accounting (and negative numbers) was one of the best I've heard!

Reminds me of that old country song, "No Charge" - where the little boy gives his mother a bill for cleaning his room, taking out the trash, etc. She turns around and give him a list back saying she carried him for 9 months - no charge. She gave birth to him - no charge. She fed and clothed him - no charge. And so on. Same premise, different situation, but the concept still applies!
Helpful Answer (4)

Second Maggie's suggestion on the e-mail; add a "read receipt" returned when you send the e-mail. He may not sign it but at least you've tried to "cover all your bases."

(If he asks you again for the information, tell him you've exhausted your postage budget and ask him to forward money for postage to you!)
Helpful Answer (4)

Sendme2help & DaveIFM.... I registered, & certified it, with a receipt of signature to be sent back to me.There were/are documents such as death certs in there... besides, to avoid any further/possible agrument that I hadn't sent it I thought it wise to get it certified etc. I have been tracking it also. I had to have email contact with him last week on another matter, in the email I reminded him he had a package at the PO to be picked up. Dave... I say *Informal* because mum (and I) didn't believe it was necessary to go through getting a legal will drawn up, simply because there wasn't anything being left... My mother just wanted to make sure that somewhere there would be something that left her final wishes, and that items that belonged to me were noted as such. We went back and forth with this will thing, she was, what I thought at the time, being overly concerned. She felt that no one, if they wanted to, could or would challenge what she put in writing and signed. As the only 2 people who would, would be me or my brother. And no nothing went to probate, a few pictures, a tv and other odds & sods, would be all that a court could probate... aside from the fact that there was no money left to pay for that.
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