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My mother is getting dementia and my brother wanted to put her in a home so, finally I agreed. Well, when it came down to sitting down with mom and discussing this and getting a joint power of attorney, he changed his mind and put it on me as I was the bad guy and I wanted to lock her up and be mean to her!


I have always taken care of her and helped with her and he barely comes around. But now that there is land and money issues, he has decided to push me out and get complete control of Mom from a mental stand point, to where she will sign a power of attorney for him and leave me completely out. She is 70 years old, I am oldest 43 and he is 38. I helped with my grandparents and he stayed away because he wanted nothing to do with the actual care of a older person, and now he is doing the same thing. Once it comes down to cleaning and actually caring for her he wont, but he wants control and seems to want to make me look like the bad guy to mom. It has ruined my relationship with both it seems. What led to all of this was, she was talking to a man on Facebook that turned out to be a scam and she had sent him over $5,000. She has liver cirrhosis and both her parents had dementia. She still has a good mind to a point, but it fades sometimes and she is starting to forget names and dates and even memories.


A few weeks ago, during a talk with all of us and Mom, my brother was so mad at her over the money. He wanted to yell and scream at her, but I wouldnt let him. Well last night at another talk with her, he got in my face and got mad and screamed at me and made me look like I was trying to control her and lock her up. Mom took that as I was a bad person now.

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jbp2302, gosh your Mom is quite young by today's standards. She's the same age as I am. And from what you have said, it doesn't sound like she is ready for Assisted Living/Memory Care. As we age, we all will start to forget names and dates [I do], and that is normal.

Any chance of having Mom live in Independent Living, where she can still be independent, and the senior living complex will help her out with housekeeping, linen service, and her meals in the main dining room?

My Dad moved to one of these places [his choice] and he really enjoyed being there. Once his memory was really fading with sundowners, he moved next door to the complex's Assisted Living/Memory Care. The facilities are not cheap, is this something that would work with Mom's budget? If she owns a house, would she have enough equity?

With the "catfish" situation where she had believed someone on-line and sent that person money, that has happened to also much younger people who didn't have any memory loss. It happens when a person feels lonely. Could Mom go to Adult Day Care where she would be around people of her own age group?

Time for you or your brother to take over Mom's finances, pay her bills, give her an allowance, buy her groceries using her funds, etc. My Dad was more then happy to hand over that chore to me, as he was messing it up.

Poor Mom, your brother seemed to be pitting you against her without reason. Time to let brother know that you both need to work as a team.
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Joint POA's are never a good idea and rarely end well. One sibling always has the upper hand and the other sibling is always resentful. One sibling will make changes in the banking and the other sibling won't be made aware. POA should always fall to one person of the parent's choosing. Has your mom chosen POA?
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So, as of the moment is there a POA and who has it? Ditto on health care proxy. Are there sufficient assets to support her in a long term care facility without medicaid?
As to your actual question, is there a trusted friend, relative, clergy person that can help sort this out? That way it doesn't become a battle between brother and sister.
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