My brother is alleging Elder Abuse after I filed a Temporary Restraining Order against him for assault. How do I prove he's being retaliatory?

My Mom's doctors have supplied me with documentation that says she is incompetent. That's how I was able to take over the finances (though she had asked me to). But she tends to overspend, so she is always mad at me because I won't give her additional money. She overspends. She came in the house last week with $500 worth of new clothes (many of which were totally inappropriate for an 80 year old woman). Macy's screwed up and allowed her to charge. I had faxed them with the POA, limitations requested, and spent so much time on the phone with them, letters, etc. to flag the account and not allow her to charge if she doesn't have the card with her. And her friend is spineless. This is the 3rd time they've gone shopping and my Mom has spent too much (on things she doesn't need). I'm not letting her shop with my Mom again unless there is a caregiver with her in the future. I've told her friend over and over that it is a problem, but she's my Mom's shopping enabler. She buys things I know someone who is in their 40s wouldn't wear!

Also get another restraining order but this time make it for you.

I did call 911 and my Mom pulled the phone from my hand. I crawled to my room and called again. The cop was a complete AH. He tried to talk me out of going to the ER or him having to file a report. I insisted. I was at the ER for 7 hours. Went home, got my stuff for the night and slept elsewhere. I called Adult Protective Services first thing the next morning. They didn't care I was injured. They said I had to return home, and arrange care for my mother if I couldn't care for her (which I did). I am waiting to hear from the DA. I think my Mom overheard me talking about it and told my brother. Once the Temporary Restraining Order went into effect, he's on a campaign to smear me. What a vengeful person he is. And I have been sure to keep my nose clean and have talked with an attorney last year and this year. She told me the checkbook serves as my receipt. But I've kept them too. I worked in the legal profession for years, I'm no dummy. I'm won't speak to Adult Protective Services again without an attorney. My injuries were a concussion, a lump on the head and injured back/neck. Nothing to photograph. But when I filed the Temporary Restraining Order, I attached my discharge papers that said the doctor concluded assault. This is just so hard because I'm an emotional person (and I'm not discussing it with my Mom). She told the cop she saw what happened (she didn't) and he believed her. I said, she has Alzheimer's and his response was " she seems lucid to me."

When your brother pushed you, that would have been the best time to call 911 and have them take you to the ER. Everything would have been documented. As it is - APS has nothing to fall on but your words and your brother's words. So, in their eyes, there is no danger other than your mom. When you went to the clinic, did you mention that your brother pushed you? I'm not condemning or judging you. I've read so much stories of family abuse. Where the husband beats up the wife and she never documents it. When they go thru a divorce, the court has the he-said-she-said scenario. Wife never went to the ER to document all those broken bones, etc....So, the court splits the child custody. Over and over, we see the man takes the kids and never return them back or kills the kids. If you don't document, the authorities won't believe.

I only found out last year when I found this site in June, the importance of keeping receipts. When father got a stroke and bedridden 2 years ago, I was NOT keeping any receipts! I only started saving it this year. When I read stories like yours about being accused of financial elder abuse - it scares me. So, now, I keep almost every receipts. All of his online orders, I now have a file of it in my email.

I'm sorry for what you're going thru. The only way you can win this is if you have documentation from as much people as you can. Friends, family, neighbors, medical institution, etc....

Have you gone to the police and filed a report of your brother pushing you? Are you able to take photo of any of the abuse? If you report it, when he hurts you again, it will be documented that he was violent to you before. If you must go back home, first stop by the police station, tell them you want to place a report on him and why. That you must go back home per APS but you also want to protect yourself. I hope the police will be more understanding. If they ask if you want to press charges, say yes or no. One of my siblings did this with a woman who was harrassing him. He placed a report on her violence (tried to break into the house) but would not press charges. She never came back...

noone can put mom anywhere unless she is declared incompetent by her doc. my doc just asked mom the other day what year it was and who the current president is and she answered both. that was evidence to him that she was capable of making her own decisions. aps blows. they deliberately breathe down your neck to keep you worried as a sick preventive measure. it is damaging and unfair to the carers who are stressed all to hell to begin with. asswipes !!

Just found out my brother called Adult Protective Services again to allege financial elder abuse. What will end up happening in the end is our Mom will lose. She will be put in a care facility. I'm so upset.

Your brother is spending an awful amount of time trying to make your life miserable. Is his motive just to cause trouble? He sounds horrible. Once you get through this wreckage he created I hope you never have to deal with him again.

Between your journal and the housekeeper's information I hope you'll be exonerated. Maybe I'm naive but I think it'll all turn out ok because you haven't done anything wrong. If your brother is interviewed by APS (and I would think he would be since he's the one who started all of this) I would think that they will be able to determine that he's unstable and vindictive. And if, at any time, you can get him in trouble for filing a false claim I say do it! And keep that TRO current. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

@Capnhardass -- I'm trying to figure out if you are judging me or trying to be humorous. It is not not overreacting when he was physical, and i was injured and suffered a concussion, and am still experiencing dizziness. APS told me I had to return to the home (even though I told them I did not feel safe because of his explosive temper). APS threatened me that if I didn't return, I could be charged with Elder Abuse/Desertion. They told me if i was unable to care for my Mom, i had to have caregivers here until I got better because my brother certainly has never taken care of her. He is self-absorbed. Is my family dysfunctional? Yes. But I need to feel safe, and I want my Mom to be safe, so I filed a TRO. That is not "over-reactive, that is protecting myself. Plus he lied to the police and told my Mom what to say. THAT is Elder Abuse. My mom filed a restraining against him last year because he was always screaming at her, name calling, and when he was angry, he was extremely verbally abusive towards her and me.

If you don't understand my experience or feel compassion of the situation, I suggest you find someone else to judge. Thanks.

your family sounds like an overeactive bunch.
i cant think of overeacting without recalling marge simpson accusing homer of overeacting. in turn homer accused her of UNDEReacting.
my point? i dont have a point, dont need one.

Damn. I wrote a paragraph in response to your kind words. Basically, I am hoping the Judge sees through his crap, and realizes he is being retaliatory. Also, unknown to him, I keep a journal (mostly for my Mom's health, so I don't have to remember things. That will be my saving grace, along with my medical bills, and our housekeeper has seen a couple of things. I'm hoping I can get her to sign an affidavit. This is totally crazy, especially since he is the one who yells, has called my Mom an F---ing B*&^h and me the "C" word. He has hit doors so hard, there are holes in the wall. This is insanity. My Mom and her sisters fought the whole time I was growing up. When my grandmother had to be put into a care facility, the accusations were flying between my Mom and one of her sisters. I NEVER wanted to repeat that cycle. But here we are.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. You AND your mom. Your brother sounds like a drug addict but I guess that's not really the point. I hope you are ok now after the fall.

Perhaps sitting down and writing out an account of everything that has happened. No emotion, no opinions, just fact. Make several copies.

Has APS contacted you? In person? By letter? Phone? You're just going to have to calmly and rationally explain the entire situation to them. Since you have not, in fact, abused your mom then there's nothing for APS to discover. An old classmate of mine used to work for Child Protective Services and he told me that people used the agency to get back at other people all the time and they would discover it in the course of an investigation. If there's been no abuse there's no chance of any proof of abuse being discovered. Unfortunately, your mom's input can't be considered because of the Alzheimer's but I would imagine this isn't the first time a false allegation has been made. Dysfunctional families, siblings fighting over inheritance, etc. I'm sure it happens frequently. It must be very stressful for you just the same and you must be terrified of your caregiving being put under a microscope but you've done nothing wrong. Your brother is a scumbag (sorry). They'll talk to him as well and I'm sure it will all work out ok.

Keep your brother as far away from you and your mom as you can. Is the TRO still in effect? Your brother is a sick and pathetic person and I'm personally offended that he would go out of his way to put you through this. Your life is difficult enough, I'm sure.

Hang in there, honey. Be as cooperative as you possibly can with APS and I would be willing to bet that this will blow over eventually. You're doing the noble thing by caring for your mom and your brother sounds like a total loser.

sure sounds snarly. i have doubts that there is a perfect elder care situation anywhere. we are imperfect humans having something very complicated being dropped in our laps. we are in the hot seat and it isnt by accident. aps made it clear to my family right away that they were breathing down our necks just to prevent us from making bad decisions. it isnt a fun place to be but if i were dragged into court i would tell a consistant story and trust the judge to sort out the facts. it is very unnerving but i do understand the need for elder protection. the assault allegation isnt going to make your bro the poster boy for nurturing family caregiver.