My brother is alleging Elder Abuse after I filed a Temporary Restraining Order against him for assault. How do I prove he's being retaliatory?

sure sounds snarly. i have doubts that there is a perfect elder care situation anywhere. we are imperfect humans having something very complicated being dropped in our laps. we are in the hot seat and it isnt by accident. aps made it clear to my family right away that they were breathing down our necks just to prevent us from making bad decisions. it isnt a fun place to be but if i were dragged into court i would tell a consistant story and trust the judge to sort out the facts. it is very unnerving but i do understand the need for elder protection. the assault allegation isnt going to make your bro the poster boy for nurturing family caregiver.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. You AND your mom. Your brother sounds like a drug addict but I guess that's not really the point. I hope you are ok now after the fall.

Perhaps sitting down and writing out an account of everything that has happened. No emotion, no opinions, just fact. Make several copies.

Has APS contacted you? In person? By letter? Phone? You're just going to have to calmly and rationally explain the entire situation to them. Since you have not, in fact, abused your mom then there's nothing for APS to discover. An old classmate of mine used to work for Child Protective Services and he told me that people used the agency to get back at other people all the time and they would discover it in the course of an investigation. If there's been no abuse there's no chance of any proof of abuse being discovered. Unfortunately, your mom's input can't be considered because of the Alzheimer's but I would imagine this isn't the first time a false allegation has been made. Dysfunctional families, siblings fighting over inheritance, etc. I'm sure it happens frequently. It must be very stressful for you just the same and you must be terrified of your caregiving being put under a microscope but you've done nothing wrong. Your brother is a scumbag (sorry). They'll talk to him as well and I'm sure it will all work out ok.

Keep your brother as far away from you and your mom as you can. Is the TRO still in effect? Your brother is a sick and pathetic person and I'm personally offended that he would go out of his way to put you through this. Your life is difficult enough, I'm sure.

Hang in there, honey. Be as cooperative as you possibly can with APS and I would be willing to bet that this will blow over eventually. You're doing the noble thing by caring for your mom and your brother sounds like a total loser.

Damn. I wrote a paragraph in response to your kind words. Basically, I am hoping the Judge sees through his crap, and realizes he is being retaliatory. Also, unknown to him, I keep a journal (mostly for my Mom's health, so I don't have to remember things. That will be my saving grace, along with my medical bills, and our housekeeper has seen a couple of things. I'm hoping I can get her to sign an affidavit. This is totally crazy, especially since he is the one who yells, has called my Mom an F---ing B*&^h and me the "C" word. He has hit doors so hard, there are holes in the wall. This is insanity. My Mom and her sisters fought the whole time I was growing up. When my grandmother had to be put into a care facility, the accusations were flying between my Mom and one of her sisters. I NEVER wanted to repeat that cycle. But here we are.

your family sounds like an overeactive bunch.
i cant think of overeacting without recalling marge simpson accusing homer of overeacting. in turn homer accused her of UNDEReacting.
my point? i dont have a point, dont need one.

@Capnhardass -- I'm trying to figure out if you are judging me or trying to be humorous. It is not not overreacting when he was physical, and i was injured and suffered a concussion, and am still experiencing dizziness. APS told me I had to return to the home (even though I told them I did not feel safe because of his explosive temper). APS threatened me that if I didn't return, I could be charged with Elder Abuse/Desertion. They told me if i was unable to care for my Mom, i had to have caregivers here until I got better because my brother certainly has never taken care of her. He is self-absorbed. Is my family dysfunctional? Yes. But I need to feel safe, and I want my Mom to be safe, so I filed a TRO. That is not "over-reactive, that is protecting myself. Plus he lied to the police and told my Mom what to say. THAT is Elder Abuse. My mom filed a restraining against him last year because he was always screaming at her, name calling, and when he was angry, he was extremely verbally abusive towards her and me.

If you don't understand my experience or feel compassion of the situation, I suggest you find someone else to judge. Thanks.

Your brother is spending an awful amount of time trying to make your life miserable. Is his motive just to cause trouble? He sounds horrible. Once you get through this wreckage he created I hope you never have to deal with him again.

Between your journal and the housekeeper's information I hope you'll be exonerated. Maybe I'm naive but I think it'll all turn out ok because you haven't done anything wrong. If your brother is interviewed by APS (and I would think he would be since he's the one who started all of this) I would think that they will be able to determine that he's unstable and vindictive. And if, at any time, you can get him in trouble for filing a false claim I say do it! And keep that TRO current. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

Just found out my brother called Adult Protective Services again to allege financial elder abuse. What will end up happening in the end is our Mom will lose. She will be put in a care facility. I'm so upset.

noone can put mom anywhere unless she is declared incompetent by her doc. my doc just asked mom the other day what year it was and who the current president is and she answered both. that was evidence to him that she was capable of making her own decisions. aps blows. they deliberately breathe down your neck to keep you worried as a sick preventive measure. it is damaging and unfair to the carers who are stressed all to hell to begin with. asswipes !!

When your brother pushed you, that would have been the best time to call 911 and have them take you to the ER. Everything would have been documented. As it is - APS has nothing to fall on but your words and your brother's words. So, in their eyes, there is no danger other than your mom. When you went to the clinic, did you mention that your brother pushed you? I'm not condemning or judging you. I've read so much stories of family abuse. Where the husband beats up the wife and she never documents it. When they go thru a divorce, the court has the he-said-she-said scenario. Wife never went to the ER to document all those broken bones, etc....So, the court splits the child custody. Over and over, we see the man takes the kids and never return them back or kills the kids. If you don't document, the authorities won't believe.

I only found out last year when I found this site in June, the importance of keeping receipts. When father got a stroke and bedridden 2 years ago, I was NOT keeping any receipts! I only started saving it this year. When I read stories like yours about being accused of financial elder abuse - it scares me. So, now, I keep almost every receipts. All of his online orders, I now have a file of it in my email.

I'm sorry for what you're going thru. The only way you can win this is if you have documentation from as much people as you can. Friends, family, neighbors, medical institution, etc....

Have you gone to the police and filed a report of your brother pushing you? Are you able to take photo of any of the abuse? If you report it, when he hurts you again, it will be documented that he was violent to you before. If you must go back home, first stop by the police station, tell them you want to place a report on him and why. That you must go back home per APS but you also want to protect yourself. I hope the police will be more understanding. If they ask if you want to press charges, say yes or no. One of my siblings did this with a woman who was harrassing him. He placed a report on her violence (tried to break into the house) but would not press charges. She never came back...

I did call 911 and my Mom pulled the phone from my hand. I crawled to my room and called again. The cop was a complete AH. He tried to talk me out of going to the ER or him having to file a report. I insisted. I was at the ER for 7 hours. Went home, got my stuff for the night and slept elsewhere. I called Adult Protective Services first thing the next morning. They didn't care I was injured. They said I had to return home, and arrange care for my mother if I couldn't care for her (which I did). I am waiting to hear from the DA. I think my Mom overheard me talking about it and told my brother. Once the Temporary Restraining Order went into effect, he's on a campaign to smear me. What a vengeful person he is. And I have been sure to keep my nose clean and have talked with an attorney last year and this year. She told me the checkbook serves as my receipt. But I've kept them too. I worked in the legal profession for years, I'm no dummy. I'm won't speak to Adult Protective Services again without an attorney. My injuries were a concussion, a lump on the head and injured back/neck. Nothing to photograph. But when I filed the Temporary Restraining Order, I attached my discharge papers that said the doctor concluded assault. This is just so hard because I'm an emotional person (and I'm not discussing it with my Mom). She told the cop she saw what happened (she didn't) and he believed her. I said, she has Alzheimer's and his response was " she seems lucid to me."

Also get another restraining order but this time make it for you.

My Mom's doctors have supplied me with documentation that says she is incompetent. That's how I was able to take over the finances (though she had asked me to). But she tends to overspend, so she is always mad at me because I won't give her additional money. She overspends. She came in the house last week with $500 worth of new clothes (many of which were totally inappropriate for an 80 year old woman). Macy's screwed up and allowed her to charge. I had faxed them with the POA, limitations requested, and spent so much time on the phone with them, letters, etc. to flag the account and not allow her to charge if she doesn't have the card with her. And her friend is spineless. This is the 3rd time they've gone shopping and my Mom has spent too much (on things she doesn't need). I'm not letting her shop with my Mom again unless there is a caregiver with her in the future. I've told her friend over and over that it is a problem, but she's my Mom's shopping enabler. She buys things I know someone who is in their 40s wouldn't wear!

(((((((hugs))))) LE - sounds like you are doing the right things. However, I know that the police and agencies are not always fair and true to their mandates. You are wise to have an attorney. Breathe deep, continue to document everything,keep us updated and look after you. This is very stressful. Some sibs are so vengeful they will go to great lengths to cause trouble,

And HE WILL. Believe me. I'm going to talk to an attorney next week hopefully. As if caregiving an angry Alzheimer's parent isn't enough stress!

And I thought my sister was bad... Have you emailed her yet capn?

I am part of such a family too. I know I have to cover my a** whatever I do. I am executor and when the time comes plan on giving the job to a professional so my sister can't sue me. She sued her own kids for money and won. Apparently she has planned for a long time to get all that mother leaves, and sucks up to mother and bad mouths me when she can. Fortunately, mother doesn't trust her with money -yet! You have to cover your front, your back, your sides, your top and your bottom. t is sad when it comes to this within families.

It really is tragic. Unfortunately, it grows in the family because my Mom and one of her sisters were always fighting when my Grandmother had to go to an assisted living facility. It was ridiculous! He may think that if I am not allowed to be her caregiver, he can step in and get some $$ for it. But my Mom never wanted him involved in her finances, so he is not named on the POAs or as Trustee when our Mom passes. My backup is a family friend, and I tell her everything (so I am transparent). But this is very upsetting nonetheless.

LEP, remember POAs are easily changed. If your mom is too angry with you and your brother is sneaky enough, he can persuade your mom to change POA from you to him. Don't underestimate either one of them. They're only thinking of their benefit but your mom is only thinking NOW and not what the future would bring if she changes POA to him. They do not need to ask your permission to change POA. As long as she's willing and of lucid at the time of doing the new POA - it will stick. I've seen this over and over on this site. Don't let your guard down. But you may need to find a way to remain in your mother's good graces so that brother doesn't lure her into his thinking.

book - LEP has papers from the doctor showing her mum is incompetent so mum should not be able to change POA; however, your caution to keep in her good graces is wise

LEP - it is horrible that family members do such things to one another. From what you have written, I would not be surprised if your bro is looking for $$$s¸, but it sounds like your mum is/was clued in on that. Did you take pictures of the holes he punched in the walls and any thing else relevant? It is good you are monitoring her spending - the "friend" certainly is an enabler. Take care of you in all of this - it is very stressful. ((((((((Hugs)))))

@Booklvr -- I'm aware of the fact he could Take my Mom to an artorney to try to change theTrust, so I will be keeping my eye on him. Since I confrol the finances, he has no access to her money. And if he tries to take her to a lawyer, knowing she has Alzheimer's, I would report him. I also suspect that would constitute Elder Abuse on his part. He knows she has been declared incompetent to make financial and medical decisions by 2 neurologists. The ironic thing here is he uses my Mom for money; and manipulates her by spinning tales about "potential jobs" (which she believes). But he has not worked at the same employer for more than a couple of weeks. When he assaulted me, I asked him to supervise my Mom for the weekend, and he agreed. Not 30 minutes later, he had gone to the room he was using, closed the door and went to sleep. He has maybe helped our mom 5% over the past year. He knows nothing about her medications, her routines, and ongoing medical information. He has shown no interest whatsoever, and sees her infrequently (which I logged).

But I'm still going to find an attorney to protect myself. I've been asking him for help since last Summer, and his social life is his social life (while I'm here 24/7). I'm also bipolar (controlled with meds), but he throws it in my face whenever he has has a chance. He even told APS, but when asked, I knew I had to be transparent, and told her that was true, but that I'm on meds.

My question is if she believes my mental health is an issue, why would he trust me to care for her the past 18 months? And the fact he contacted APS AFTER he was served with the the Temporary Restraining Order is obviously dilatorily. I hope the Judge sees through him and questions him about the fact that he rarely saw our Mom in the past year AND reported me AFTER he was served with the TRO, and forced to leave the house realizes and being vindictive. I just hope i can get everything in order to take to Trial on May 24. I'm trying to find an attorney who defends individuals who are falsely accused of Elder Abuse. I don't plan to speak to APS again without an attorney present.

My first choice in lawyer is one who is expert in the field - an Elder Law Attorney. Since these lawyers know all the different ways people try to cheat/fool the elderlies, I would try for the Elder Lawyer. You ARE trying to protect your mom from the son who would rob her blind. Are you able to ask your former law firm of recommendation to an aggressive but honorable caring lawyer? Since usually consultation is free - I'd try this first.

If that fails, Google for attorneys in your area and what people say about them. Time is so short for you. While waiting for Monday, try Googling now on Elder Lawyer, etc.... By Monday, you should be able to have a list and go down the line on who is willing to see you last minute - as in this month. I'd make sure it's the lawyer you're talking to who will represent you and not an intern, or newly hired fresh from college lawyer.

My sweet @bookluvr. I think we are sharing a brain because your ideas are exactly the same as mine! Given I spent 20 years in the legal field, I definitely know I want an experienced attorney and not some green recent law school attorney. Also, I don't actually keep in touch with any of the lawyers from my past job. My time there was not happy. Also, it was in the San Francisco Bay Area, and I now live about 2 hours away. I called my local Alzheimer's Association, and they gave me some names. However, none of them defend Caregivers; they defend the individuals who have been abused. I may be forced to find a criminal attorney instead. My brother and I have never really gotten along (talk about abuse, he was both verbally and physically abusive with me when we were growing up). I just can't believe he is playing so dirty! I never expected that.

Oh, FYI: my mother is in my brother's corner regarding my assault. I am not cluing her into the other claims because I don't want her to be upset or disrupt the Court. And given that I'm the one who cares for her, she is always accusing me of being a liar and stealing her money (so now she has a reloadable debit card).

As they say - No good deed goes unpunished. I am sorry your mum sides with your bro re the assault, and that he was abusive when you were growing up
- and he still is. These situations can get into such a mess. Good legal advice seems a must for you. The abuse of caregivers is a newer thing than abuse of seniors, but many here experience it. Paranoia is hard to deal with. My mother does not have Alz but has some paranoia. So far I have not been accused of stealing - only of interfering when she had actually asked me to do what I did. If I go on her accounts (to keep track of things and help when the time comes) I would not be surprised of accusations come. They are not easy to deal with.

Thank you everyone. I talked to an Elder Attorney and was told I need a criminal attorney. We have a caregiver today, and my Mom was sobbing, and saying "she does nothing but sleep and steal my money." She also said she wants my brother to move back in and take care of her. When I came home the morning after he assaulted me, my Mom hadn't taken her meds or eaten, nor had the dog been fed. He was locked in his room. I don't know about any of you, but I don't consider that "caring for" my Mom. The stress of dealing with an angry, abusive Alzheimer's victim is hard enough, but now this? My brother is not named in any legal papers, I am the POA & Trustee/executor. She named a friend of ours if I am "unable to fulfill my duties." So, he won't be getting his hands on her finances even if they decide I cannot do them. All he will do is hire around the clock caregivers.

When you said your mom was in your brother's corner, boy, you really meant it. You definitely will be having an uphill battle. Do the Caregivers know the true situation? Or do they believe your mom and brother? Can they be depended on to give you character witness at trial? Or would they prefer to remain neutral due to fear of reprisal from your brother? There is a person here whom went thru what you are going thru. I read her when I first found this site last year in June. Msdiva. I think she had to go to court Twice because her siblings accused her of stealing from their parent. You could try searching her name on the top right corner. It might help to read what others have gone through here on this site while you prepare for your court battle. Uhm...some posters experiences were not as successful as Msdiva.

Will you be able to update us once in a while? I would appreciate it. Hope you find a very good criminal lawyer!!!

How fortunate I feel to have found this website where I can chat about my life and get so much information. I've read a lot of other people's issues, and that helps me too. My plan is to find an attorney on Monday. I am NOT going to let him get away with his vindictiveness & lies.

How fortunate I feel to have found this website where I can chat about my life and get so much information. I've read a lot of other people's issues, and that helps me too. My plan is to find an attorney on Monday. I am NOT going to let him get away with his vindictiveness & lies. Also, I hired new caregivers the day he assaulted me. So they haven't been around here long. Also, the agency has told our caregiver if they contact her, not to discuss it with them on the phone. They will set up an appt. for APS and the Caregiver to meet in THEIR offices.

First go to your mother doctor and then attorney and get POA plus have her do a living will . If you do not do these things the state can take Conservatorship over your Mother. APS is a joke they spend more times with people that do not need any help from them than the ones that do. Do Not talk to them again , have your attorney talk to them on yours & your Mothers behalf. I have an ass for a brother too. So I feel your pain. but cut him out totally. he does not care for your Mother , YOU DO!

LEP you may admit to being bipolar and there is no shame in that it's just a disease like any other. I would hesitate to guess what your brother would be diagnosed with. judging from your comments about your mother and her sisters past interactions mental illness runs in the family. You are right to beware of APS they are a sneaky bunch.