My Mother (91) with dementia lives with my brother but I'm so tired of his abuse. Any suggestions?

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My Mom lives with my bro by choice, I tried moving my mom with me, but Bro cried so mom stayed. My Bro has had several outburst with me and yes we used to argue and nothing get resolved then he needs something so I take it because he has my mom he is in control and tells me he can talk any F---ing way he wants to me. He will not answer phone, or help my mom get things ready when I come, he hides from me. I am trying to do what I can I set up meds, do laundry, buy necessities, make sure bills paid, run around when needed. I get calls mom is acting out! Yet he tells everyone he does it all and mom lives with him. Basically Mom sleeps there and when they cook she gets food, or she pays for carry out. I have been trying everything to make him happy and my mom. I am so tired of his abuse. Any suggestions please. So much more but I need a start/ to help my sanity. PLEASE

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hi chickhelp, my brother lives with 91 year young mom, has medical problems of his own, heart problems, pacemaker, defibrillator, diabetic and caretaker for mom along with my other brother who both live with mom, mom just recently had what the they a transient stroke over the holidays which really made her dimentia worse, brother can b i dont want to say abusive at times, but he can get testy, i understand what its like to live with a stroke parent, mom didnt have dimentia b4 the first stroke 2 years ago, i live with my guy,a vietnam vet, with bad ptsd, takes a cocktail of pills throughout the day, and personally takeing care of a parent with stroke and dementia is no day at the park, i know because i relieve him on the weekends, its a toss up between mom and my guy, they both have their stuff going on.
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chickhelp: The first thing to do is to stop making the brother happy! He has been abusive to you and I wouldn't put up with it. Work with the town's social worker to come up with a better solution, because THIS ONE IS NOT WORKING!
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Your Mom probably wants to stay with your brother because he does have problems. She probably feels she is helping him. Sorry but I would threaten him. If he doesn't stop the abuse u will get guardianship and take Mom out of his home. Next time she is in the hospital /rehab have her put in ur care.
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I wish I had a solution to this problem. All I can offer is that, I went thru the same thing with my younger brother who had POA over mom who totally abused it by not allowing me to take mom out of the nursing home on an outing to a restaurant for a while and had the nursing home call him whenever I got into town. Brothers lived near mom and I am 5 hrs away. Younger brother has many health issues of his own and his memory was affected when he didn't wake up right away after a surgery. But he was appointed POA by Mom so there was not much I could really do so far away to fight him on things. I want nothing to do with he or his wife any more. They treated me like I was an outsider.
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I see so many similarities in our situations, I may not have the most useful advice, but just to try your best. AND you need to take care of yourself first, or you can't be there for your mom. Sounds to me like your current family dynamic probably started years and years ago, and your mother is in no place now mentally to alter it. Trust your gut, and know that you are loved and are an incredibly, incredibly brave soul.
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It sounds like you describe your brother as intellectually disabled. Is that right? And he has his own house where your mother wants to live. Yet, you feel that he is not a suitable caretaker for her.

If her dementia is rendering her incapable of making good decisions about her welfare, you might consider the other options. Could mother come and live with you? Could you take care of her full time in your home? Would you likely place her in a Assisted Living or Memory Care facility? Would brother entertain an outside aid coming into the home to help with your mother? Is he more cooperative with other people than you?

I agree with others that you might consider having someone look at whether it's in your mom's best interest to stay in the house with your brother. You might consult with an Elder Law attorney to see what evidence you need in court to file for Guardianship or you may consider reporting the situation to your local social services agency. These are very serious measures and I would have adequate evidence in hand to support your concerns. A lawyer might assist you with that.
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oh....not gooooood if your mother wants to live with your brother!!! my brother stole my father's trust and poa and never came back to see them again. he didn't want my father to amend his trust! greedy jerk children...and yes, my dad keeps asking my why he doesn't come over???? i hate my brother....and i am thrilled he doesn't come over...best thing that ever happened to me. you are in a bad situation...do what you have to do to step away from that household!!
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Really sorry you are going through this. To add to the excellent advice from TheOne1, Most cities and or counties have senior centers where one of the services is an elder attorney that is either free or for a lower fee. If you go to your city or county website ( usually the one where they list utility companies, city hall, police, fire etc ) they will also have the number for the senior center. Best of luck to you.
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Dear Chick Help, I feel I could have written this post. This was me a little over 2 years ago. My brother lived next door to my Mom, in a house that my mother and father own. She lived in her house. My mother and father are still married but did not live together because she wanted to moved to this small town, they inherited the property after my great Uncle passed. My father still works at 83, his choice and so stayed in their other home because it's much closer to his work. More to the story but I won't go there.

My brother has always been the worshiped golden child, from the time he was born. There are 4 of us, but he's the oldest. He's nearly 60 now. Lives in my parent's home, is "paid" $2500/month by my father I think because he's afraid of him. Before that he siphoned money off my mother's social security and annuities.

Anyway, he's got plenty of money. He is mentally ill yes, but no one can face it in the family. When I traveled to help my Mom, I live 3 and 1/2 hours away when I started noticing things going on with her (dementia) he would rage on me. Sometimes not too bad, other times unbearable. He's a hoarder and control freak. He was supposed to be looking out for my Mom, helping her, taking care of the yard, etc. He did none of that. Once his house filled up with his treasures he found in dumpsters or garage sales he started filling hers up. His house is really unlivable at this point, but he lives there. I would come in at least once a month more often two or three times a month and clean, do laundry, shop for food, take her to the doctors and dentist and for hair appts., of which he raged on me for. I would line up her meds, have them in little pill bags all broken out by the date and a.m. and p.m., 90% of the time she was never given them. I had to do most of the cleaning at night when he was asleep and I had to sneak things to my car and hide them in my car in order to take them home and throw them out. You could barely walk through the house at times.

I finally arranged for caregivers to come in twice a week, then it got upped to 5 days a week. I was raged on heavily for these arrangements, because I was "ruining his life". My father could not tackle any of these issues. It was me or no one. My other sister and other brother were also incapable of doing anything. Physically able but would not take action.

This went on from 2007 until March 2013 when one day he raged on me so bad for putting a baby monitor camera in her room. $300 that I paid for out of my own pocket. I was going to give him the monitor part to put in his house once I got the courage up to tell him about my idea. I tested it out when he was not there to his front door only and it worked at least outside his front door. He spotted the camera on top of her armorie and went ballistic on me. The next morning I left the house before 6 in the morning and never went back, this was on March 18th. Did not tell anyone. Her caregiver arrived at 8 that morning. I came home and got a job. I was not working because I wanted to be available to help her. On May 31 I got a call at 5:45 in the morning from my brother tell me my mother's house had just burned down at that she was standing in the street.

Don't let the situation get as bad as mine did. Do you hold power of attorney? If not who does? I agree with TheOne1 and her advice. You need help, you cannot do this on your own. You can no longer take the abuse and your mother is not safe. Sometimes it just helps to know that someone else has gone through something similar and that you truly are not alone. You are not alone. I wish I could give you a hug. I wish I could help you more. If I can answer any questions for you let me know. I'm still dealing emotionally and psychologically with the ramifications of my brother's rage. God Bless you and help you.
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I also have a verbally abusive brother and potentially physically who seems to be mentally ill - he has been for a long time. No diagnosis that we know of but did improve when on a medication for back pain that also is for depression. He will not discuss anything with us. Unfortunately stayed on that med for few months only. He wants to be in total control of whatever is doing to help parents. While he was in charge of grocery shopping, Mom sent another sib to grocery to get a few things. He yelled that that was his job and then refused to shop anymore. Tells Mom what to do and she always listens to him. She sticks up for him after tantrums and swearing and says we all have our foibles. So after no med, back at throwing tantrums, swearing at us, sometimes throws things at us, throws things around, even Mom and Dad at times. Most of us now purposely refuse to be at parents when he is there. Or just say hello when he comes there. He was coming over to do gardening but stayed outside and didn't come inside or speak to anyone. Keeping an eye on him since one time Dad had bruises and cuts on arms. Dad told sib he and brother had had a scuffloe. Mom would not say what happened. When I found out I called brother and he also refused to say what happened. Did ask advice from Alzheimer's Helpline and if anything happens again, will call adult protection.
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