Making a deal with the devil and bringing disruptive sister back into the caregiving rotation.

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There are limited funds, more than twice the income just to cover limited caregiving. My sister had been involved but she was increasingly uncooperative and deliberately disruptive so I kicked her out. I cannot sustain the care for my father alone. Everything is better without the sister but the money is running out. I need more time to cultivate alternatives. My nephew has been acting as a mediator but the sister has already shown that she is still interested in deliberately disrupting things. She has not been involved in the caregiving for weeks yet when contacted by the hospital to schedule an appointment because her number was still in their circulation she scheduled an appointment on a Sat. and did not consult me. She had no business scheduling an appointment at all. She should have given them my number. Instead she used this as an opportunity to blind side me. She had scheduled appointments in the past without telling me. It was one of many problems. I don't sleep when I am covering my father's care. I am tired and there is preparation involved in a visit. She did not even say a time, just that a nurse was coming. No number provided. So I wasted a day until the nurse contacted me. Clearly this sister is not going to cooperate and much of what she has done jeopardizes my father's well-being. I don't have anyone else or money for any other plan. I am working on gov assistance but that will take time and I do not have enough money to float. I could set aside resentments and make compromises but I think my sister is after making people suffer and really does not care about my father. Any suggestions? I am working on a long-term plan, but I need ieas on what to do in the meantime.

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Let's face it--there are some individuals who would rather just sit and let someone else do the job, right? I've seen it time and time again. Here's a not-so-good one---so our mother was on her death bed (I had to leave my Maryland home and move in with her to her Massachusetts home, where she was living alone, but failing). My brother came for a short stint of 6 days when I had already been there for 6 months. Our mother suffered a stroke and was on her death bed when my brother up and decides to go home to California (all the way across country). I said "what are you doing, mother is going to die and you'll have to come right back?" Common sense did not prevail-he is an attorney with no common sense.
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I also have siblings that don't want to communicate with me but just "show up" when it is convenient for them. I have been unsuccessful getting their help because they don't want to commit. Perhaps that is true with your sister. Can you have a sit-down unemotional discussion with her, explaining the terms with which she needs to operate if you are to continue as the primary caregiver. Believe me, my siblings DON'T want to be the primary caregivers.
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yes you have to accept her as she is. he is her father too. you sound like you need a rest. even though she handles things differently than you unless the doctor complains about her relax and take a break.
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That's my opinion too!!
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Wow, great advice here! Joannes and Sterlings, very direct responses that should help. I had to laugh about Ambriel, we indirectly made her feel better... for not having siblings, lol!
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It may be time for a nursing home.
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You need to contact Medicaid to evaluate ur Dad. He may be able to get some free services.
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o0MichaeL: Good grief, if she's the devil, why do you want to work with her again?
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First of all - your sister is more trouble than she is worth - I've been through that crap with mine for the last 5 - 6 yrs and I don't care anymore, I will not have that attitude of the negative drama queen in my space. To go on, do not forget about Hospice (they will help and your parent doesn't have to be on their death bed) and there are visiting Dr. agencies and they all will take insurance. We have Meals on Wheels for Mom and Respite service for me through our Dept on Aging (free service depending on parent's income) - between Hospice the visiting Dr's and Meals on Wheels I save a lot - my Mom's monthly income is pretty much gone each month and I was dipping into our savings more than we should. That was when I started talking to my friends and calling the agencies to find out how to get help. I moved in with my mother because she cannot be alone and because she has a difficult personality to deal with, not a lot of people would put up with it. The Dementia just makes it all that much more to deal with. There are other ways and there are gov't agencies that will help. My sister absolutely refuses to assist monetarily at all with maintenance but wants the free use of everything - she lives about 5 states away! Her excuse is that she isn't benefiting from it so why should she maintain it? Her name is on the deed along with mine and Mom's. Mom and I are carrying the whole thing so I don't think I need to deal with my sister's attitude - if I didn't monetarily assist with maintenance - well I shudder at the thought knowing how hard our father worked to pay off the farm and keep everything maintained before he passed 2 years ago.
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I am alone in my parental responsibility too...and after reading all those who have sibling conflicts like this, I am glad. I am glad I have two daughters, who ARE supportive, but not conflicting with the plans. I would NOT go back to having sis get involved in caregiving. IF she really wants to 'help', give her things to do that she can do from her own home....help get paperwork together for the Medicaid application, for example, or if you are looking for help from your local council on aging, let her make those calls, even if you have to give her a list of questions to get answers to....let her keep the checkbook balanced...or do other types of paperwork to help you....IF she's willing, cooperative and doesn't try to 'take over' that kind of stuff too. Also, YOU need help with care taking. You cannot do 24/7 alone, AND get these Medicaid applications in and keep your own life going. YES...Medicaid qualification is important, especially if you are running out of money. You should NEVER be using your own money for your parent's care. There IS help for that and you are not responsible for ruining the rest of your own life for a parent who is in need. One of you should get with the council on aging, or other organizations...and find out what elder resources are available in your community. Day care would be helpful, if available. They will pick up and deliver and have your Dad spend about 6 hrs/day in a group setting. This gives you time to handle other things that must be done, while keeping him safe....shopping, paperwork, making app'ts, cleaning house etc. Did Dad happen to be a war time veteran of any war? If so, there is Aid and Attendance you can apply for. And with that, as well as Medicaid, the money can be used for caregivers in the home so this type of assistance doesn't mean that Dad has to go to a nursing home or other placement. IF it gets too involved or hard though, placement might be the best choice and there are many options for that, even small private homes that only take in 10 residents or less. This would allow you to just handle the paperwork stuff and be only his daughter at the end of his life, so you can do a couple things well, and preserve your own health. You must preserve your own health, because if you die first, then what will become of him?
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