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Hey all, it's a tough one and mom and i just went through it.

I love the answer about the husband left behind who has a community in place to lean on. Brilliant and what a blessing to hear that. A gift. Very Sweet.

Mom is still adjusting but she is in late stage dementia with all the associated issues: diapers, eating, etc.

I wish I had done it sooner quite frankly because I would have had more time and energy to do mother daughter things as opposed to being wiped out from the 24/7 care.

If your mom's a controller you really have a challenge.

What I did with my mom is set up a bunch of lunches at different places. the lunches are free because they're looking for your business and you and your mom can 'go out' to lunch and check out different places. my mom was the Queen controller and even she got into it and this way she HAD some control because we would discuss the benefits of one over the other... even if the discussions were somewhat disjointed... mom had input and a say.

After she went in we had some tough moments which I discussed on the Grossed Out thread but I know that she is well taken care of and I have done everything I can to make her happy. She does laugh and have a good time more and more and in her little way knows that this is best.

Of course i have been taking her out for other activities where I couldn't before because by the time I got her washed and hair done and dressed and fed and to the bathroom and cleaned up again, etc, etc, etc. I was too pooped to even take decent care of myself. Now I can and I can take mom out and we have more fun.

Good luck and we feel your pain!

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Anne, it made feel relieved to read your post. I am trying very hard to help my Mom "age in place" with the understanding that it may not be possible at some point in the future. The alternatives always seemed so grim to me. Thank you for sharing the story about your really hit home.
I have never promised my mother that she would never need a facility and she has never asked me to make that promise...I just want the most comfortable and safest surroundings for her, whatever that may be.
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I've been through this...It's delicate. In addition to what's already been said.....Without knowing specifics about your Mom's health, her ability to care for home or self, I would say to realize that her coming to accept something like this is a process. My mother ( now deceased) was very independent-minded and didn't want my husband and me "telling her what to do". We brought up the subject, discussed it some, and then dropped it....for a while. But we never let the subject "go away" ---I had read that advice somewhere, to bring it up again a while or so later. ( if you feel in your heart certain that this is the best option for your Mom). But you're instincts are correct, that this is so delicate. Like Lilli's suggestion to do research ahead of time, and take your Mom on some "look-see" visits to various places. Just allow this to sink in for her. It's a difficult adjustment in one's mind, to say the least. I will tell you this: My husband and I did end up moving my parents into assisted living, and my mother died about a year after that. Just before she died, she thanked me in front of her brother for having gotten them into this place. She realized it was the best thing, and now my father was surrounded by a community to support him. You didn't mention your father, so don't know if he's still alive.
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Hey 111219 why don't you ask your mom what she thinks would be best for her. I know this sounds dumb but it's a simple question that she may be able to answer herself. You didn't give many specifics.
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I believe that being factual and non-emotional is always the best. Perhaps do your homework first and have all your information about facilities at your fingertips. Visit the facilities and ask yourself, "would I want to live here." If there are several options in your town, that is even better.
When the time is right, you could explain your reasons. Give Mom all the information you have gathered then let her process it for a few days. The decision does not need to be made immediately.
Then, set up some in-person visits for her.
(You did not mention your mother's health and mobility. If she is in good health and can care for herself, she could do well in a senior apartment complex. It is much less expensive and, if she qualifies, there are gov. subsidized buildings.)
good luck
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