My mom was always there for me growing up and now I feel like I am not there for her when she is in the nursing home. Should I bring her home until I can’t care for her anymore?

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My mom cannot remember from an hour ago, yet she remembers me, her daughter. By her doctor's advise, we placed her in a Nursing home several months ago and she hates it. She is very kind and sweet but refuses to interact with the others. Always crying, she either paces the hallway or sleeps all day. I can call anytime, night or day, and the nurses tell me she's been crying and begging the nurses to take her to her daughter (me). My mom was a saint before she got AD. She was the kindest and most generous person I have every known. She was always there for me growing up and now I feel I'm not there for her. Mom only wants to be with her family. Before she went into the Nursing home, I had her with me for three months. It was hard because she constantly needed something to do. She'd walk around the house saying "what am I supposed to do, dear God, please give me something to do". She's 85 yrs old and fragile..I did't know what to give her to keep her occupied during the day...she can no longer hold any kind of conversation. I can't help but want to bring her back home because she is so sad and unhappy at the Home and she doesn't deserve to be unhappy...she never did a mean thing in her life.
I'm married and have our 25 year olf grandson living with us. He is a very high-functioning austistic. He is a great help to us. What should I do? Am I cruel having her live where she spends her day in tears? Should I bring her home until she doesn't remember me and get a part-time caregiver to live with us? I need your HELP!

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LadyJ...beautifully said...I am in awe of what you did to help your Mother through her final days. The caregivers on this site never cease to amaze me...Lilli
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What a tough, tough question. And there really are no good answers for you.

Bringing her home could blend well with your family and grandson; or it could be a disaster ~ with too much of a workload for you. You could end up exhausted, worn out, and resentful of your sweet mother and what she has become; depending on how far gone she is. Things could start out well and she could deteriorate . . . .

On the other hand ~ it is hard to know that they are unhappy where they are and missing family.

I don't envy you your decision; you must try and keep EVERYONE in mind; including yourself when you make this difficult choice. I know you love your Mom; but you have other family too that you must think about.

I will say a prayer for you for wisdom. You just have to make the best decision you can; with the information that you have now. We cannot see into the future.
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Prayers to you, and only YOU can make the decision.

Blessings!!!!
Bridget
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Do not bring your Mom home! We just went through absolutely everything you just said. Mom was 88, and couldn't do anything anymore about 2 yrs ago. She suffered from Dementia. Her onslaught processed rapidly after 2007 when she began having operations do to old age. I.e; dual pace-maker in 2007, replaced knee in 2008, broken hip in 2009, and bouts of infections. The dementia came on fast and she wandered in a blizzard, quit paying bills, thought she was still back home in Statesville, N.C., and would always offer to 'help', but there was nothing she could do. Her muscles had turned to mush. She suffered from small TIA's, and after her only friend died in 2008, she became withdrawn and bored. She'd beg us to take her 'Home'. She started calling for her late husband, who died in 1984. Nothing is predictable with these diseases, but we did keep her home until it was a danger to her health. You worry NOW about the quilt? Think how'd you'd feel watching her defecate all over herself and urinate all over the furniture, crawling across the fall, falling and seriously injuring herself, the list is endless. Dehydration, weight loss, not swallowing her med's. She is in a SAFE, caring place with professionals watching her all day. The average patient requires 5 (FIVE) care-taker's per person! 5!! We only had us 3. My daughter with a new born! And of no relation to My Mother-In-Law, and my husband & I, both permanently disabled. Not one member of his family would help. SUGGESTIONS: Talk to the Social Worker at the Nursing Home about fixing up her room to give it a more home-like feel, with pictures, a blanket, items of her's from home that make her comfortable. VISIT as much as possible, and try to arrange outting's, even to lunch or dinner once a week. ALSO, contact one of the best resources I found over the last four years. It's called "A PLACE FOR MOM". They have invaluable resources and can connect you with organizations to help your Mom. Their also FREE. Google it!! Now, back to bringing her home. It's so hard on the family if you haven't learned serious care-taking skills, and you will neglect yourself, your family, and your Mother will not improve at all, accept for the level of love that is always there. There are also activities she needs for memory impairment. Does she read? Crossword puzzles? Play cards? She needs mental stimulation, and conversation. Proper diet, and companionship/conversation. She is getting 90% of everything she needs there. YOU ARE the major 10% she needs for HOPE. Mom died on 3/20/2011, and we are still not over the loss, but they sent her home from a nursing home after 7 months of a rehab stay due to lack of funds. She could not afford her house upkeep and the extraordinarily high price of the Nursing home. About 11,000.00 a month. Mom only brought in 6,000.- + per month. The evicted her, sued her upon discharged, sent her home, and within 2 weeks her health began to deteriorate again. We searched for 3 weeks before we found a place that would take a level 4 of her disease. She had to wait in the hospital for those 3 weeks until we got her placed in to a home. She died 2 weeks later. Peacefully, in her sleep, at 4 p.m. on a Sunday. You also should consult with Hospice. Are you prepared for what is ahead and inevitable? The price of bringing her home is also something you need to consider. Hospital beds? Wheel chair, walker, porta-potties? Medicare Nursing assistance for bathing, removing the knobs from the stove, dead-bolts on the door, you have a huge long list of things you need to ensure the same level of safety she needs where she already is. GUILT? We have guilt! Did we keep Mom too long? Was there an inadvertent level of injustice at trying to appease her and keep a promise when she didn't remember what anyone's names were, or where she was? Nothing is sadder than watching your loved one slowly die as is NORMAL at this age. You really need to talk to some of the care-taker groups or people like us who have been there. I fear you do not know how much these people change, and crying about the changes in their life is normal. They don't remember much at all. Only things that happened 60 yrs ago. Also, I'm not saying your Mother, but at one point ours did remember a small amount of manipulation that worked very well. Please I'm happy to leave a our #, and give you invaluable information to great resources that will help. Also we knew that last yr. Mom wasn't going to live much longer. BUT, a Nursing Home can enhance her life by a few years. Don't give up. Keep up your support, and utilize all the outside support you can. Please keep me posted. God Bless and Your doing fine. You are doing the right thing. Thanks for letting me input. Suzi Pethtal
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In Pennsylvania, assistant living facilities are not financially subsidized by governmental funds. It's different in New Jersey and Delaware. That could factor into decision making. The other problem could be in needing to move a loved one into a skilled nursing facility when they either, run out of private funds or decline in their abilities. Each move negatively impacts in their cognitive funtioning....
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I know there are asst living places that have an Alzheimer's unit attached, whose whole mandate is to keep their patients occupied and stimulated. Maybe a nursing home is the wrong place for her to be.
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Yes, Lilliput, well said. I can also add to that in that it might help you to do some reading about dementia...the 36 Hour Day.
Again, as I mentioned before, there is much information to be gleaned by checking the medicare surveys, as well as relying on your own gut instincts when touring facilities. Don't be afraid to speak up when you need to be your mom's advocate,and don't be hesitant to give compliments to staff, as well. Your mom will not get better, unfortunately. Coming to terms with that, might help you to make the best decision for yourself. Taking care of the caregiver is soooo important. If you're not taking care of yourself, how can you take care of your mom?
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Read and read and read the many posts and topics on this site. This is a 24/7 job where the patient will never get better. Be realistic about how much time you could give your mother then tripple it...that will give you some idea about the time commitment.
Bringing your Mom home "until you can't do it anymore" is disruptive to her life too. She has to make another change and adjustment to her surroundings only be placed in another NH at some point.
I think that your time would be better spent helping her to adjust to her new surroundings. Try not to react to her tears as a daughter would. Become her "care manager" who advocates for her and uses calm logic to figure out the things you can help her with.
At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own happiness. You can NEVER make your mother happy, but you can see to it that she is safe, well cared for, and financially stable.
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I would say bring her home.....if you do not have the time to care for your mom
you can take her to adult day care or a afch close to your home .
tell her you have to work so she will see you in the eveing.Good luck
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I feel for you. I have placed mom in a living center and I feel so guilty for doing this. She has schizophrenia and her meds don't work well for her anymore and my husband is dealing with cancer. She's not happy there either but right now I don't feel like I have a choice. If I did, I believe I would bring her home. Give it a try and see how it goes. Just do the best you can and try not to feel guilty. I've learned that some decisions are never easy and you will always wonder "what if". You're a good daughter so please don't feel guilty.
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