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She has accused me of stealing from her, she wanders and attempts to drive. She spent 13 days in geriatric psych after she called the police accusing my 13 yo niece of stealing $5000 and jewelry (jewelry was on her dresser, money never existed). She is in a great memory care facility and is miserable and hateful and says she is suing me and will never forgive me. My sister thinks if we tell her she has Alz it would help mom cope better as to why she is in a facility. I think if would crush her hopes. What should we do? The psychiatrist who treated mom in geriatric psych is the one who recommended a lockdown memory facility. Thanks for your input!

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I would recomment telling her she has ALZ. My father fought the "mystery" memory problem until I looked him in the face and told him he had ALZ. I then asked if he was ready to deal with it. He has been so much better about accepting help and asking for help.
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Pretzel dear, do not try to take your mom into your home. I have had my husband at home with caregivers for months. He is a big guy and has trouble transferring to bed or wheelchair. (He can't walk or stand). The hoyer lift (a device to help put him in bed etc.) was too dangerous at home. I've been miserable, depressed, heartbroken since putting him in nursing care. Last night though, I read sentences that helped me similar to these: "Keeping a loved one at home is unfair to the loved one. You cannot possibly take as good care of him/her as can be done in a nursing home". I realize that , even with excellent caregivers, this is true.. We are actually being selfish by keeping them with us instead of getting the best care. My husband is now in a facility. He wants, of course to come home. I tell him, "This isn't your fault, honey. You are doing everything right. It's just that you have a sickness that they will help here." He agrees when his mind is alert. Believe me, I understand what you are going through. Put everything in God's hands. Listen to music. Visit with understanding friends. Volunteer. Take a walk at least once a day. Know that others are hurting just like you. I'm sending you a big tight hug.
Corinne
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If it's any comfort to you, remember that your mom wasn't happy before, wandering away, thinking that her family members were stealing from her (and I'm sure that's not the half of it). Maybe she won't be able to entirely settle in there, but there's a much better chance of her finding happiness in a supportive, safe environment that there was when she was living on her own.
Keep in mind that she wasn't being rational when she accused her niece of stealing and she's not being rational when she's threatening to sue you. Sadly, this is the way her mind works now.
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Mamoogins,
Your discriptions in your post describes my situation exactly, except it's my mom.
Everyday I still feel the hurt that mom has to be in NH. But for all the right reasons. It has gotten a little better. Thank you,
equinox
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My mother-in-law went through the same thing several years ago when she had to be put in a NH. She rejected it horribly, then after a while and with the proper medications, she started settling in. There are days that she still thinks she's visiting and her car is right outside, but those are now few and far between.
It's very hard on the caregiver and family mentally, but it's better for your loved one at the same time. She is safe, cared for, receives all the things that she requires and is loved by the staff. It may take her a while and her reactions are normal.
Trust me; it's hurting you worse than it's hurting her.
It will get better; it may just take some time on both of your parts.
Cyber hugs to you,
Suzanne
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I told my mom years ago that she had Alz and that is why she was living with me..because NH neglected and abused her. She actually LISTENED that ONE time and asked how she could get better. I told her that there is no cure and LOTS of people have it and that we just keep taking the meds and take it one day at a time. Of course, she FORGOT that I told her that and the next minute when she asked what was wrong with her and I repeated the story, she got VERY MAD and said that I was the one with Alz. and nothing was wrong with her. lol...just can't win. Mom forgets the second I tell her something now.
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I agree with the geriatric psych -- she should be in a lockdown memory facility.

I agree with your siter. I would explain the diagnoss to Mother. I wouldn't repeat it over and over whe she forgets, and I would not insist on it if she rejects it. But it MIGHT help and I don't see how it could hurt. (My husband takes comfort in knowing that he has a disease that accounts for his strange behaviors. One size does not fit all on this issue, though!)

My heart goes out to you. This is a dreadful situation for all concerned.
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