What do I need to bring mom home from a nursing home and be her caregiver?

I just had a chance to read all these answers. I wish I could have seen them 3 1/2 years ago before I took Mother in. Biggest mistake of my life. If you see this and haven't made a decision----for the welfare of both of you----leave your Mother where she is. She is being cared for and you will not end up worn out and disliking her. My Mother is still able to do some things for herself but by the time she dies I'm afraid I will need someone to care for me.

@ roseyt,You sound just like me. I moved mom from Ga. to live with me one year ago, and I am about to drop. Mom poops in her pants,refuses to wear a
pad of any kind. We have been to the Dr.etc. There is not much mom can do
for her self,so to LOLOlewis we all love our mothers but you will not have a life
for some time, all your time will be spent on seeing to your mom.

You should be able to get Home Hospice, which would provide some assistance and all the equipment and supplies you need. I have cared for my Mom 24/7 almost 5 years now and we enrolled in Hospice last December. It is helpful, but the burden of most of the care lies with me. It is VERY hard, but very doable with some support. Follow your heart, yet understand what you would have ahead of you.

I agree with so many of the responses here. It is a job. Probably the toughest job. One in which you may become resentful of your parent and wish someone would just powder your tooch...But I digress.... ...

I have no help other than a home attendant who comes three days a week to give mom her bath and do light housekeeping. On the days when she doesn't give her a sponge bath I have to help this girl get mom in the shower with the hoyer lift. Mom is a full figured gal and its not easy. I read somewhere that back problems are the most common health issue among caregivers and I have to agree.

Between getting mom out of bed, getting her in the shower, getting her from her bed to the wheelchair, getting her from her wheelchair to her lift chair.....even changing her diaper and stretching across the bed to do so whether she is on one side of the bed or the other is backbreaking work. I find myself using TENS or a massaging device on my back each night and even sometimes I take advil to alleviate the pain.

Mom has osteoporosis and on one leg its bone on bone...so standing is too painful. Thus lifting her from chair to bed etc. is the only choice. Being alone with all this is difficult for me on days when perhaps a cable goes out on her fully electric hospital bed and I have to flip it over to fix it, or when her TV or lift chair isn't working right. I tell mom I wish she had a son for this stuff but I am it...both son and daughter, caregiver, nurse, cook, physical therapist, entertainment....and my friend if you are thinking about all this...you will be all that and more as well.

I am lucky in that my mother and I can fight, debate, converse, laugh and discuss issues. She does puzzles, reads books voraciously, and talks up a storm. I know more about her now than I ever did.

She knows how difficult it is for me to change her diaper ( I call it payback) and how tough it is for me to find work (it has been two years). But we always say goodnight to each other after I put on her bipap mask at night and she always says thank you.

I am exhausted and don't know what kind of energy I will have when I return to work, nor what I will do to get more help for her here at home. I know that recent reports say it can cost an average of almost $80,000 a year to keep someone in a nursing home. She has been there already and she hated it as much as I did. So while it may seem that I am tired and unable to have a social life or a job yet, I am glad to have her home, alert and alive.

Just weigh the pros and cons before you venture into the caregiving world.

It's very honorable to want to take care of your Mom. I truly admire you for wanting to do so. I hope that you will carefully think through what you are reading today. My mom has mild/moderate Alzheimer's and moved in with us 6 months ago. She is pretty self sufficient, but cannot be left alone since she's a fall risk. I am ashamed to admit that at times, I feel that it is more than I can handle. The loss of freedom that comes with being a caregiver can be very frustrating. I wish you all the best and hope that you will be content with whatever you decide to do.

suck it up for the people who cared for us, well, somewhere I can remember my mother telling me to pull myself up by bootstraps when I really needed some help, she didn't want to get involved with my problems she was busy living her life as she wanted. Funny, how that is forgotten when she needs help now. Again, I did not ask to come here, that was her choice between her and my father, I paid for her lack of care, and now I care for her.

Yes, tscott42, and for those who did as little as possible as parents or who did damage. We take care of them, too. Then we get on with our ironic lives.
It's good to do the compassionate thing when one knows better, but not necessary to be a martyr. The love and forgiveness part-- them not knowing what they did, or that they did their best-- is valuable for our healing and growth:) xo

I applaud you for your sense of strength & courage. Majority of people run the other way. I care gave for my mother for 4-5 years full-time. Biggest advice I would give you make sure you have a little downtime of your own. Whether it's reading a paper & coffee, running, gym or a weekly movie. Another is hopefully someone else can pitch in and help that's family or a good friend. Sure you can get some professional help, but I found most insurances only pay 1-2 hours every other day. So it will all fall on your shoulders. I'm shocked so many naysayers at your post. My mom was blind & wheelchair bound and I slept across from her. I fed her & bathed her. Drove her to scheduled appointments. When my mom passed away in the hospital, due to CRAPPY care in her nursing home, I told myself I wish I kept her at home! Sometimes we need to accept the challenge and tighten our bootstraps and suck it up for the people who cared for us. God Bless You & Your Mother!

I echo many of the previous comments. I provided home care for my dear wife for several years before she went into skilled care. It was a daunting task, both practically and emotionally. Skilled care has allowed me to regain some semblance of emotional balance, and I continue to spend 4 hrs with her each day. What you contemplate doing is sure to break you eventually, and both of you will suffer. Be thankful that resources are available for her care, and support her in that way. It's very hard, to be sure, but not as hard as 24 hr caregiving. Best wishes.

Dear friend..I am an LPN who has worked rehab for 26 yrs..Please take the advice that people are giving you..I would never want my Mom in a nsg home, however if she were in your Mom's condition I would know that she would need to be there. Just to have the 24hr. unbiased eye to keep watch, the medical staff is important. Turning, skin care, personal care, spiking temps, blood work, incontinence care, moving with the lift safely, pressure relief. It truly is a job for more than one dedicated person..I honor your desire and you were so open in asking this question...which I know has given thought to many others perhaps considering the same. Review all the input and make a clear decision. I wish you the best.

Dear friend..I am an LPN who has worked rehab for 26 yrs..Please take the advice that people are giving you..I would never want my Mom in a nsg home, however if she were in your Mom's condition I would know that she would need to be there. Just to have the 24hr. unbiased eye to keep watch, the medical staff is important. Turning, skin care, personal care, spiking temps, blood work, incontinence care, moving with the lift safely, pressure relief. It truly is a job for more than one dedicated person..I honor your desire and you were so open in asking this question...which I know has given thought to many others perhaps considering the same. Review all the input and make a clear decision. I wish you the best.

No I didn't miss your point, my point is death up close is for a short time and although you may not like it or fear it most people can come in the end, the march towards it is a long one,sometimes slow, it is those that stick with you on the journey and don't abandon you that matter. In the long run, we all die alone just like we are born, alone, no matter how many are in the room, so it is the journey for me.

Dealing with a parent or spouse that is a doctor he or she is a different story. My Daddy helped me , guided me , to help him. He was wonderful . My greatest teacher. I remember the first time I had to give him Roxanol in a syringe. I was so scared. I shot it all over except in his mouth , ( the bedding all over his face and me lol ) He just laughed and said lets get it in my mouth , then I will close it then squirt .

Most at the end are bedridden anyways. I see what you are saying but you missed my whole point. A lot of people do not like death up close.

I'd say life can be more who is willing to help you get to your death bed, anyone can come in and sit for a bit, it takes a lot more to do the day in and day out.

Leave her where she is. I felt sick after only 3 months of taking care of my mother ( she has very bad Sun Downing ) but other than that she can take care of herself totally. But we put her in a group home because she was saying horrid things about me and getting out of the house. I was not a good caregiver to her but to my Daddy, I was HIS , best. I loved every minute of him staying in our home on the last part of his 26 year journey with H.D. and the last stage of C.H F. Hospice was wonderful to me and my Daddy , but my Mother hated them in her home ( this is before she came down with ALZ.) My Mother became sick 6 months after my Daddy's passing. They say Doctors ( Daddy was one himself for 31 years) are the worst patients , I whole heartedly disagree. My Daddy was a Saint ( every person who came in and took care of him , private help , hospice in-home and while he was on the unit adored him) and I miss him Deeply. Not looking forward to this coming weekend being the first Fathers Day without him in 49 years. Going down to meet hubby in Cabo instead. If you do bring your Mother home , have a GREAT support system in place. We all get worn out and need time for ourselves this is very hard if you do not have people in place to help you out. Good Luck and prayer's to you and your Mommy. I've said this 100 times . What life comes down to , is who is willing to sit by your side with you at your death bed.

Hey Bob Capnhardass: We are all living on an emotional roller coaster..My "stay put" comment was direct I agree, but most days I am at my wits end and can't image someone taking on 24 hr care and not thinking it thru... She can take or leave the advice we give...

And also...be sure that you have some plan for respite for yourself and for those times when you just need an extra hand with something to do with her. If you have a spouse or other family that lives with you already, then it's probably a non-issue. However, if you do not, you definitely need a plan for an extra hand. It is harder to find later on for many reasons and you want to be sure that anyone who volunteers is not letting their good intentions hide from themselves what they are TRULY willing AND able to do. A lot of people offer and mean it...until the time comes that their offer is taken up...and then they realize their offer was not well-thought-out. There is always the option for paid help, too, and not all the time but just now and then or whatever. I would suggest that an agency is preferable to someone privately contracted, especially if only for now and then or just a few hours a week. The advantages are that they are checked out by their employers such as fingerprinting and background checks and also if they are scheduled to come at a certain time, you can make your plans with more confidence whereas friends are less regimented often times and then you might find yourself having to juggle plans or just waiting until they are able to come. It's hard enough to manage time without that kind of unpredictability.

One of the main things I would suggest is to make sure that EVERYTHING you need is in place before you bring her home. Sometimes it takes a while with all the red tape crap these days and then there is furniture to be re-arranged.

I also suggest a small wireless camera to place in her room with a clear view of her bed or area. I have one and it is a life-saver because I can see mom even when I am not in there with her. And she just has to speak to me as if I were in the room because the camera includes audio. I also have an intercom in her room that she doesn't use but which I can speak to her with, from my desk where I spend my time when not doing chores. It saves me a trip and sometimes she just needs reassurance that I am around. Also, we sometimes just converse a little bit through the combination of the two. It is a help for both of us in many ways.

yes it is a heartbreaking reality but " leaving her put " even tho its good advice doesnt coincide with her decision.

I don't think she got negativity what she did get was the reality of the situation, she asked for what she needs and help, so she got it.

LOLlewis has made the decision to bring her loved one home. i dont think he / she asked for negativity , just advice. do it lewis, it isnt a cakewalk but the decision is yours to make. my mother wants to be in her own home and id care for her if she was nothing but a brain in a jar of liquid..

At present I am in a position where I cannot cope with my mom. End stage dementia, mobility problems. I have now come to a point where I am ready to transfer her to frail centre....waiting for a response to application made. Either that or I'll be in the grave....PLSE think this through!!

I'm doing this very thing...taking care of mom in that condition except she doesn't have dementia. But she was never in a NH and my only goal is to keep her out of one. I hope I can succeed until the end.

BUT be warned!!!
IT IS HARD.
It is mentally exhausting and emotionally draining and takes up ALL of your life.

I am rewarded in that my mom and I still converse and can laugh and kiss and hold hands. She doesn't always call me by the right name...sometimes calling me by another daughter's name. But she knows I am her caregiver and I love her.

The rewards for me make it worth it. I sometimes wonder what I would have done had she had dementia. If she didn't know me it would have been a thousand times harder to do. It would hurt me and break my heart...I might feel as if I was taking care of a stranger. But my mom is still my mom even if her personality isn't the same as when she was more independent.

THINK about it.

Listen to Madeaa!!! and everyone else... Leave her put...

How does your mom let you know she wants to come home? Is this you or her. I don't think I'd be able to handle my mother if she could not walk or talk, it is too too much for one person, you need a staff. You said she can be taken care of and I don't know why you would burden yourself and really her with this.

Wow. Many have already expressed my thoughts. Your desire is noble - and one that many of us wish we could do - but realize we are unable to do so without the help of a team (family members and extended family members and/or paid caretakers). It is VERY demanding, VERY hard, VERY challenging - and one that I implore you to REALLY process what you are considering VERY carefully.

My Mom was moved from her house (where I took care of her) to an assisted living place for 2 years, and now in a WONDERFULLY attentive nursing home. I visit her almost daily - sometimes for several hours, and usually I feed her at least one meal. I am now able to ENJOY my Mom more - and sometimes help to prepare her for bed (change clothes, wash face, take out dentures, etc) out of love.

My Mother is also late stage dementia, no talking, no walking, arms constricted up to her chest. Dead weight to move her. I wonder how they manage her showers, but she gets one every day. She gets moved from her bed to her recliner, and when I visit her, she gets moved to her wheel chair so I can take her outside for a walk. I tried to move her from chair to chair once, just about killed myself, and I'm pretty strong, good back and I lift weights. I took care of her in our home until I could not manage her physically. Took me over a year to quit waking up every 2 hours. I developed several stress related issues.
I suppose it's a noble thing you want to do, but why do you want to give up your job, your freedom, risk your own mental and physical health?
Not only might this shorten your life, but the stress of moving her at this point will not be good for her, either. Please rethink this. Nothing to feel guilty about. Continue to visit her at the home, retain your own unencumbered life:) xo

JessieBelle, you reminded me of something. You're right. Before we brougt mom home, we had the fire dept come and inspect our home. They said that we could not put mom in their bedroom because the doorway was narrow and with mom in a hospital bed, it would be a hazard...against some kind of safety code. So, we put the hospital bed in the livingroom. They also recommended several strategically placed fire extinguishers and an emergency light in case the power goes out.

Father and I learned the practicalness of caregiving by watching the govt caregivers when they come. We learned how to shower her in the middle of the bathroom, to lift her up and off the bed. We learned a LOT from the caregivers. And I asked a lot of questions, too. They were eager to share.

Lolo... My heart goes out to you. The ladies who have already answered are spot on! My mother just died from a LONG period of Alzheimer's. She was diagnosed 10 years ago, and had it for probably 20+ years prior to diagnosis.

In the beginning, it wasn't too bad. I bought a house across the street from mine and moved her in. For many years I was able to continue working and care was minimal. About the time I thought I had this down pat... she got her meds changed. All HECK broke loose! She started wandering, became violent, forgot who we were, and became completely narcissistic. Within a few months she fell and broke her hip. Then I had to move into her house with her. I was then a FULL time caregiver. I was only at my house long enough to throw a load of laundry into the washer and dryer. I had to quit my job to stay home, pay people to stay with her so I could get away for a few hours, and beg and plead with relatives to sit with her long enough for me to head to the store or go to one of the grandchildren's functions (i.e. soccer, music program, etc.). Although many of my siblings and children live close by and ALL lay claim to helping... NOBODY would help unless I pitched a fit! My hubby and grandchildren were more help than ANYONE else!

By the time mother died last month... I was at my rope's end. The stress darn near killed me. That said... if I had to do it again for mother... I would! I don't plan on doing it for anybody else though. My sister has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's... and its a safe bet my younger brother has it as well... they will both go into a nursing home. I cannot invest that much of myself into their care.

Good luck. You have to do whatever you can live with. You are the one who has to look in the mirror each day and say, "I did the right thing." Nobody else can choose what is right for you. We can merely support your decision and be here to listen.

Have a GREAT day!