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My mom is on hospice and will pass soon. I am the caregiver of my dad in another state since she has been terminal. Dad does not understand her sickness, and does not think he is married to @the lady who is in the hospital. He does miss his wife, but his memories are of 35 years ago. He needs 24/7 care. Should I fly to the memorial service so he can be there. Crowds upset him as does any change in routine. But in some level he knows something is going on. He cries and wonders why he is even at my house and not home. Advice please

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I think if the funeral was localand he would only be out a short while i would take him but if getting on a plane was involved and staying in strange places even if it was with relatives I would hesitate just because of the confusion. I do feel you should go for your own closure as long as Dad will be secure while you are away. Once your mother passes through I think he should be told and if he wants to talk let him, otherwise don't keep reminding him if you feel he has forgotten and does not raise the subject again. A photograph is an excellent idea and maybe a piece of clothing that she often used might be comforting. perhaps the old quilt from the bed they shared on his bed now a familiar chair or some small ornaments. God bless you both, this is never easy.
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Speaking for myself, I don't think I would take him if I didn't think he could benefit from it in any way.

On the other hand, a close friend did take her advanced AD mother to her father's funeral; everyone was aware of the mother's condition, made allowances, and the formal service went well. I don't know whether the structure of the service, the church atmosphere and people's dress perhaps made it make some sort of sense to this lady? If so, perhaps she did take some meaning from it. And I agree with Ronnie that propriety says your father should go if possible.

I like the responses that tell you there isn't a wrong answer, only your best judgement at the time, and that you must do your best then stop worrying. You have enough to deal with. I'm sorry for all you're going through.
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I would't take him. Another thing to consider is your own attendance at your mom's funeral (if you're wanting to go yourself). If you're like me, you'd be so worried about your dad, you couldn't be mentally present for the event yourself. This is your time also to celebrate your mom and so I'd leave dad at home to think of your mom as he remembers her. Hugs to you whatever you decide.
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My neighbours dad has alz and his daughter died recently he is in a home and confused BUT they brought him to the funeral he seemed fine but he was later dropped back to the home so i guess its easier if its all in the one place if theres travel that may be more difficult?
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I think those of us who post here really appreciate knowing that our responses helped. At least I do. It's one of the ways we can continue to remain positive, knowing that our experience is helping others.

But I need to apologize for the typos in my message. I find it hard to proofread in these tiny response boxes. Of course I also need new glasses.

What did you decide to do?
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I would think it proper to take him. :)
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I am weeping with such kind responses. Thank you care givers!!!
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Another thought...if you did take him and he did recognize that it was his wife in the coffin, what do you think his reaction would be? I suspect he might be devastated and overcome with grief, and perhaps confustion, and that the ensuing grief would hasten his cognitive decline. So perhaps it's better that he continues to remember your mother as she was 35 years ago.
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My inclination would be not to take him. Everything you describe about his responses, memories and the situation suggest it would be traumatic - if not the funeral then the crowds. And he is doesn't recognize your mother, he might be totally confused why you've taken him out of his routine.

I also don't think I would even tell him when she does pass. Either he won't understand or he'll be devastated.

Instead bring a photo of her (if you haven't already) and keep it in his room.

I'm so sorry to learn about your mother; I hope you are able to find some peace during this sad time of life.
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What a hard one! Make your decision in love and then don't beat yourself up over it.

Personally I don't see anything to be gained by taking him, but I would discuss it with the doctor who is following his dementia.

Hugs to you. Whatever you decide will be OK.
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I don't really think you could make a wrong decision here. If it's convenient for you to take him, then do so. Maybe, though, you could really use a little escape from your care giving routine. Even though it's a sad event, there's respite there.

Personally? I probably wouldn't take him. I'd be afraid the change in routine would turn into a nightmare for YOU.
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