DoggieMom86 Asked February 14, 2024
Bribing doctors?
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Anyone who has seen my story before gets my husband’s multiple problems. He is in ICU and has been for a month. He has pleural effusion, COPD, PKD. He is on five different antibiotics and on dialysis. They have found a spot on his lung which could be cancer.
Anyway, he collects watches and had us lug his boxes to the ICU to “give” to the nurses and doctors. He now wants to buy stuff for them. I told him they already make a lot of money. If he wanted to give them a gift card or something I wouldn’t have a problem, but what is he thinking! Is he trying to bribe his way into a better diagnosis? We are middle class, not rich.
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First of all, doctors have enough money to buy their own expensive watches. Secondly, your husband can’t buy attention from his medical staff.
If he makes any other suggestions, tell him that gifts or tips of any kind are prohibited.
Wishing you peace as you go through this difficult time.
Next time he asks you to bring in his watches, or $100 bills from the bank, or whatever inappropriate thing, say okay honey and then arrive with a snack for him and say you forgot his watches. If he starts carrying on, ask the staff for calming meds for him.
By PKD do u mean the disease or that your husband has contracted Dementia from Parkinson's. If he has contracted Dementia than that is something to consider when u find out if he has lung cancer again. With all his health problems and maybe Dementia I don't think I would go thru chemo again. And with Dementia he can not make informed decisions. To be honest, chemo is very hard on the body and your husband already has so much going on. I would be surprised if chemo would even be suggested at this point. You need to protect urself financially.
I mentioned to him three times yesterday how I need the card to pay the bill and he said okay and now he is claiming he never heard me say it. I think it is also something with being in the ICU for a month causing him mental "brain fog." I wish the watches were worth more or were gold, but they were supposed to a hobby for him to fix up and sell, so sadly, they are not really worth much at all. I have a few still at home that would sell for a couple hundred, but I don' t have a lot of faith in his watch parts bringing much. (shrug)
Sometimes I'd make something and keep it in DH's room..amazing how many people would come strolling in to 'check' on him and walk out with a bag of brownies. I fully know that I was bribing them---but hey, all's fair in love and war and crappy healthcare. He got more attention that way--and I have continued to do this with each of his subsequent hospitalizations over the years.
My SIL works with one of these hepatologists now that he is a fully board qualified one himself. This doc remembered me well and my treats. Drs seems to need to run on massive amounts of sugar.
I would absolutely NOT bring gift cards or tokens of appreciation.
I know how much money my SIL makes and a $10 GC to Cheesecake Factory, while nicely intended? Not going to make a hill of beans difference in the care.
Are you really asking US what his motivation is?
I don't think he sounds--from your previous posts-- like a stupid man, and to think someone would think that giving a doctor a gift might make a difference to health care, is rather other worldly. I mean sort of out of the realm of the United States.
Please do ask YOUR HUSBAND what his thinking is in this matter, as we would be the last to know.
Is your husband a natural born citizen of the USA? Because in many other countries health care can depend of bribes, and especially did in the past.
This is so bizarre, quite honestly, that I am thinking that right now your husband may not be getting enough 02 to the brain. A brain deprived of oxygen can do stuff like this. I would discuss some of these more or less bizarre things with the docs and ask just that question.
I'm not supporting what your husband is doing, just that it isn't as unusual as you may think. He may be feeling very grateful, but he also may be having a cognitive problem created by his current health problems (like a UTI or hospital delirium or lack of oxygen caused by his COPD).
In your other post you said you had to borrow $5K for one of his treatments. Suggest to him that you sell those watches to pay off that debt instead.
Honestly, he's not making a lot of sense wanting to order new phones saying he can't watch the apps he likes on his old phone (he can, he just doesn't have the big screen TV like at home).
If he continues starting fights with you about these ridiculous things you can simply leave for the day or turn your phone off.
As for his throwing temper tantrums and texting nephew over and over at 2 am about those silly watches that's what the block feature on the phone is for. He can be unblocked later.
You can take a stand with food so you are capable of saying no to him. It sounds like he is getting some kind of cognitive issues or decline. Maybe he has a UTI.
You really need to start getting your financial ducks in a row before husband comes home from the hospital otherwise he may just bankrupt you further with his childish behavior.
Tell him that you have been told by "administration" that giving gifts to the staff is prohibited.
Tell him you can give a "collective" gift that everyone can appreciate. When you go visit him bring in a large platter or box of cookies (or candy or a basket of fruit) that you pick up from a store. Give him a card to sign so they know it is from him. And he can present it to the staff.
Tell him "against the rules" and drop it.
As Igloocar says - just tell him that it's against the rules (get a nurse to agree with you if you have to). And that his gift to them is to be a good patient who complies with their requests and is kind and patient with them when they are overworked and understaffed.
And you don't have to bring anything to the hospital. He can't get to it himself, you don't have to facilitate the demands.