After having spend hours and hours on the internet I finally found THE website where I think I could get the most helpful answers to my question.
To briefly describe the situation; Me (26) and my boyfriend (41) have been dating for a little over 2 years now. We're in a LDR as he lives in Toulouse, France and myself in Amsterdam, Holland. We met through work as I'm a flight attendant and he works at Toulouse Airport.
His mother is 78 now and suffering from COPD and we suspect that she's developping Alzheimer too. His father passed away 16 years ago aged 70 when my boyfriend was only 24.....
When his dad passed away he kind of made the promise to himself to always look after his mum. Which is absolutely understandable and it does show the good hearted caring person he is.
He did get married once (lasted 2 years) and had another 2 year relationship, both not giving him the satisfaction and love he seeked.
Until we met.
Things have been great for over a year and a half but then when things started to become more serious he got stuck in between his feelings. Feelings of guilt that he would let down his mum if he'd go and start a life and family of his own on one hand and the drive to actually make something of his own life...(which in the past 16 years have all revolved around his mum and keeping her happy).
He is not happy with the situation and feels trapped. He told me he feels like standing on the side of his life iso in the middle of it. Looking after his mum is becoming more and more of a burden (mainly because she is a horrible, horrible selfish person). and he has realised how he's missing out on life because of the choices he made.
If he has a good day; he'll say he's ready to build up his own life, if he's got a bad day he'll say his life can only begin once his mother has passed away.
I (having no more parents left) understand his responsability to look after his mum, but I'm reaching the age where I start thinking about marriage and starting a family of my own.
He is truly the most amazing and loving person I've ever dated and both he and I consider each other as the one we want to share our lifes with.
We've talked about his feelings over and over again and he does see that waiting for his mum to die before he can start his own life will and then maybe having missed out on many chances in life, will end up him feeling resentful towards his mum.
What doesn't help either is that he lives in his grandparents house on the same property as his mum's house but that I am no longer welcome there (his mum made it pretty clear a few times). So he will say he's gonna find a place of his own but in the end he always comes back to wanting to stay in this house and redo it entirely (heating broke down 6 years ago and many more things need some fixing). Kind of ignoring that everything belongs to his mother and she doesnt'want him to redo anything what so ever.
So I just don't know what to do anymore. It's a very complex situation with my boyfriend being stuck between his guilt, fears and desires.
What could or should I do? I've reached the point where I think breaking up is the best to do. I love him, but I cannot wait with him for his mum to die and then start a life....
Any advice is welcome
From what I have read above, it seems that you two will not be able to move forward until the issues with his mother are resolved.
If his past two relationships were doomed because of his Mom, that is sending up a red flag. Also, his reluctance to move out on his own and leave the family property is worrisome.
You did not mention whether he has siblings or not. Are there other family members who are involved in her care?
Really, the only way you will know for sure if he is sincere, is if he starts making arrangements for his Mom's care so that it is not consuming his entire life. No one deserves that much of another's time and it is just not healthy.
The other option is to decide if you can marry into this twosome...that his Mom would live with you two...which I think may be his "ideal" plan.
Everyone in this forum has dealt with this issue. Loving a parent and being a responsible child does NOT mean that the parent can demand that their child's lives be devoted to them solely. But, getting your boyfriend to see that is going to be difficult...he has been doing this for many years and has convinced himself that only he can take care of her properly.
One thing you can try is to look at alternative housing for her in the town you plan to live in. Most new facilities offer a variety of care which she may need soon if she is developing Dementia.
Bottom line: proceed carefully and be realisitic.