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After having spend hours and hours on the internet I finally found THE website where I think I could get the most helpful answers to my question.

To briefly describe the situation; Me (26) and my boyfriend (41) have been dating for a little over 2 years now. We're in a LDR as he lives in Toulouse, France and myself in Amsterdam, Holland. We met through work as I'm a flight attendant and he works at Toulouse Airport.

His mother is 78 now and suffering from COPD and we suspect that she's developping Alzheimer too. His father passed away 16 years ago aged 70 when my boyfriend was only 24.....
When his dad passed away he kind of made the promise to himself to always look after his mum. Which is absolutely understandable and it does show the good hearted caring person he is.

He did get married once (lasted 2 years) and had another 2 year relationship, both not giving him the satisfaction and love he seeked.

Until we met.
Things have been great for over a year and a half but then when things started to become more serious he got stuck in between his feelings. Feelings of guilt that he would let down his mum if he'd go and start a life and family of his own on one hand and the drive to actually make something of his own life...(which in the past 16 years have all revolved around his mum and keeping her happy).

He is not happy with the situation and feels trapped. He told me he feels like standing on the side of his life iso in the middle of it. Looking after his mum is becoming more and more of a burden (mainly because she is a horrible, horrible selfish person). and he has realised how he's missing out on life because of the choices he made.

If he has a good day; he'll say he's ready to build up his own life, if he's got a bad day he'll say his life can only begin once his mother has passed away.

I (having no more parents left) understand his responsability to look after his mum, but I'm reaching the age where I start thinking about marriage and starting a family of my own.

He is truly the most amazing and loving person I've ever dated and both he and I consider each other as the one we want to share our lifes with.

We've talked about his feelings over and over again and he does see that waiting for his mum to die before he can start his own life will and then maybe having missed out on many chances in life, will end up him feeling resentful towards his mum.

What doesn't help either is that he lives in his grandparents house on the same property as his mum's house but that I am no longer welcome there (his mum made it pretty clear a few times). So he will say he's gonna find a place of his own but in the end he always comes back to wanting to stay in this house and redo it entirely (heating broke down 6 years ago and many more things need some fixing). Kind of ignoring that everything belongs to his mother and she doesnt'want him to redo anything what so ever.

So I just don't know what to do anymore. It's a very complex situation with my boyfriend being stuck between his guilt, fears and desires.

What could or should I do? I've reached the point where I think breaking up is the best to do. I love him, but I cannot wait with him for his mum to die and then start a life....

Any advice is welcome

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Sorry dear but your boyfriend has never separated from his mother. I am sure she never intended to let him go. I know these types and they emotionally cripple their children for life. This will not change. Someone said "if two people are not running to the alter for marriage" then run away. It is not right.

I have two 27 year old daughters. One daughter met a lovely young man who let her know from the very beginning he was interested in her as a wife and life partner. They married and are happy. Her sister was with a young man for 10 years who had to get his master's degree, then his law degree and then establish himself. All the while she supported him and encouraged him. Even bought a home with him only to have him decide he no longer wanted to gets married. Jerk.

Don't waste one more day on this man.
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My answer to the initial question is to leave him. Yes, you might say that's easy for you to say but its not. I am ready to leave my boyfriend that I love. We live in the same house with his Mother who demands his attention, completely controls his life, hates me and manipulates him therefore causing him guilt. He will not begin to live his life until she dies. She has made it clear that he is her servent (without pay or even an "I love you" or "thank you") I don't know if he will live his life then either because he will become so depressed losing the person (slave master) that has run his life for him. Gotta go, I am packing.
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My main question here is about what you are willing to sacrifice in your life. You are in the prime of your life. As an older woman, I see all the clues of a relationship that not as good as you hope. If he is choosing to live to accommodate his mother and sacrificing being with you to do it, it is a bad sign.
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I see a pattern where as long as his mother is living, you will always be second fiddle. If he can't make changes before you are married, he won't after.
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Puce, (a wonderful old color, btw) First: what is the common denominator in his failed relationships? There is only one answer. Second, he is too old for you, no matter how mature you are. He is emotionally immature for whatever reason, and maybe you have a Daddy complex? A good example of a real man is one who puts his wife first, and children, and sets up and manages his dependent parents
Housing and medical needs, gets the caregiver help necessary so he can live his life. Men don't whine and blame everyone else for their unhappiness. Two many red flags. As my Grandmother told me, 'there are many fish in the sea.' You can catch one who is not snagged and flopping all over trying to get away. When things are meant to be, you don't have to try so hard to make it work. Cut bait and I bet you will feel resolved. All the best, dear one.
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I can tell you from first hand experience, a man or woman who is who so stuck on everything being the way they were raised...their mamapapa could walk on water and do no wrong....run for your life. You will spend your life measuring up to their parent who pounded it in their head that if you don't do things the way She/He does, you are doing it wrong.
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This is the 2nd post, where girl friend is tired of boy friend's mother. How in the world does the guy do it...Caregiver, employed, and a girlfriend? I take care of my Mom and I have no idea how anyone could even imagine being in a relationship too!~ The guy probably doesn't have time sleep. Wow, just Wow!
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Easy for me to say, having been 26 myself awhile ago (ahem) but really think this through as I realize you are doing here.

If I were your mother, I'd tell you to run away as fast and as far as you can. His commitment is to his mother as evidenced in his past relationships. He's stringing you along hoping you'll stick with him to share in the misery of his life being a momma's boy. His emotional bond will continue to be with his mother it sounds and that doesn't bode well for your future. She will always come first and you could very well miss your child-bearing years waiting for her to pass.

JeanneGibbs is so right, as she is on so many issues here. I just have to put my two cents in as I know 26 only comes along once. The love and passion you feel today my result in bitterness and resentment in the years ahead if you don't think wisely about your choices now.
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Here we go again! lol (Inside joke, Anon. Someone else asked about this same issue not too long ago)

Run. PLEASE run!


"As to your comment JessieBelle; I'm willing to "sacrifice" a lot for the man I love (moving to France, living in the same village as his mother does and supporting him to look after his mother) but I simply refuse to live where he lives now."

Well, that's a good thing because you'll be the one doing ALL the sacrificing. Ol' boy ditched two women because of reason having to do with mummy and that's the first thing I thought too, before I even read that far. You'll do all the sacrificing or you'll be number three getting the boot. And really, in case you hadn't realized it, mom's had a death grip on this 'man's' balls for quite some time and from the sounds of it she's not about to let loose. And he allows it. Those red flags are whipping in the wind.
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There are really two things happening here. Your boyfriend's self-imposed, overly protective duty to his Mom and the need for you two to develop your own relationship.

From what I have read above, it seems that you two will not be able to move forward until the issues with his mother are resolved.

If his past two relationships were doomed because of his Mom, that is sending up a red flag. Also, his reluctance to move out on his own and leave the family property is worrisome.

You did not mention whether he has siblings or not. Are there other family members who are involved in her care?

Really, the only way you will know for sure if he is sincere, is if he starts making arrangements for his Mom's care so that it is not consuming his entire life. No one deserves that much of another's time and it is just not healthy.

The other option is to decide if you can marry into this twosome...that his Mom would live with you two...which I think may be his "ideal" plan.

Everyone in this forum has dealt with this issue. Loving a parent and being a responsible child does NOT mean that the parent can demand that their child's lives be devoted to them solely. But, getting your boyfriend to see that is going to be difficult...he has been doing this for many years and has convinced himself that only he can take care of her properly.

One thing you can try is to look at alternative housing for her in the town you plan to live in. Most new facilities offer a variety of care which she may need soon if she is developing Dementia.

Bottom line: proceed carefully and be realisitic.
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