He does not want to end our relationship. His mother does not respect me. He has begun to ask the "hard questions" to his parents, after many heated discussions with me. I am the last of eight with one surviving parent, he is the only remaining adult child with 2 very elderly and frail parents who still insist on living in their home. He has become convinced that when the inevitable happens his life will be over and does not want to "ruin my life" and be resentful toward him. Even though we are not legally married, I am just as committed as if we were married (I was widowed 20 years ago). I told him I want to remain with him, and am willing to stay in our home while he cares for his parents and tends to their affairs. He just despairs and tells me that is very naive.
Ask all the hard questions and if necessary, consult with someone who specializes in the field, and use them as a mediator, if possible - with you and your SO and with the parents. If you choose to take the ride with him on this bandwagon .. and it's really a lonnnnnnnnnng ride .. be prepared. Though I don't hesitate to say, that no preparation can actually prepare you for the experience. It's a turbulent ride at the very least, and qualifies for the horror show at the worst.
My advice? Run. Run. Run.
If he is choosing to give up his life to his parents, you may not be able to help him. You do need to think of yourself first, to be sure that you will be OK no matter what he decides. Can you get him to sign up and post here? That may be the best way to help him.
Caregiving is very grueling, especially for someone like you who is not married to your significant other. Will he stand to inherit much? Do you both work full-time? I highly urge you not to quit your full-time job to care for his parents. Why? Because your boyfriend is not as committed to you as you think he is - why else has he not married you? Now, if he chooses to pay you a living wage for caring for his parents, perhaps. But what about your health insurance? Vacation? Sick time? Who will care for them when you can't? It is not reasonable for you alone to be around the clock care. Seriously. Noble, perhaps, but I think you'd become resentful indeed.
What is the discussion about? He needs to become an equal rights ADULT and let them get live in help or move into a care home.
Maybe it's time they don't get every single thing they want, and maybe your significant other needs to let them know that. Hmmm?
What is the deal with "adult children" of ancient bully parents?
Don't the children ever get to be adults and live their own lives?
Selfish old people. They are not "frail." Ha!