Both elderly parents refuse to have a POA or medical POA signed. What do I do?

Follow
Share

I am the middle child out of the 4 siblings my parents have. They all live in other states and visit once a year. They all want to be POA"S and executor's of any wills or guardianship also. I live next door to my parents. I have for 25 years. I was hurt at work, and retired early on disability.

I am doing better and my parents are getting worse. They forget a lot, will not discuss the POA or anything else, as they think they can still take care of the house and theirselves. My dad is 83 and my mom is 82. They are coherent most the time, they argue with me over everything, make up stories about me to my other siblings, yell and scream at me, usually over nothing. (I reminded my mom to pay her income taxes(I did) and her garbage bill (it was WAY overdue). She always forgets to pay bills, because she will start looking at past bills and get so engrossed with something else, instead of what she was planning to do.

My siblings think that I should put my foot down and just say "this is the way it is", they just don't know. Confabulation, mistrust, accusing me of stuff made up in their minds(somehow), our neighbors think that I do nothing but sit in my house all day long, that's what they tell people. They tell people that they do everything by their selves and feel great. Which is way beyond the real truth.

They act (I read this on this page somewhere) in their hostess mode, when people visit or stay over for a visit. Then tell me they are so happy that the company is gone, and for me everything is right back where it was.

I have given them the papers, even said I would bring a notary or someone over to the house, but once they found out "someone" else would know, they hem hawed around signing the papers. I told them they could add anyone of the siblings if they wanted, but I would be the most logical choice. Still to this day, they won't talk about it, and have said, that we our all wating for them to die, so we can have everything. sigh... any suggestions...I've put my whole life on hold for them. I DO NOT want to live here. I am basically alone, with hardly any friends anymore. I feel like I'm the shut in, while they keep pretending to others. I am so depressed and hurt everyday from pain, of doing things that they tell others they do...

They will go to the dr. and won't tell them what is really wrong with them, because they don't want to be bothered with tests. The main reason is they don't want the dr. to think they can't take care of themselves.

Now, my family won't talk to me, (because of the conversations with mom) she loves the attention and sympathy. Dad just ignores her and stays in his bedroom with the door locked, unless there's company.

Thanks for letting me vent!! any suggestions?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
12

Answers

Show:
thank you Garden..... I truly don't want to move away, and leave them to the wolves...so to speak. But, it is getting more, and more difficult. I haven't mentioned it for a couple of weeks. I've been waiting for the right time to bring it up again.

If they pass, I am seriously moving from here. Like I said, before, I have No friends, family etc.... between my parents and a vindictive ex-boyfriend, everyone they talk to, who then in turn is turned into gossip, thinks and believes the bad things they have said about me. My ex, is 13 years older than me, (66) and I believe he is in a dementia stage also..
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Sounds like they're in denial about their own mortality. That's a hard issue to deal with.

Since you've requested and requested, I'd give it a break as they've probably dug in their heels. As others suggested, make your own plans and periodically just mention those plans, especially if you plan to move away.

Good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

the first sentence I mean't to say......THEY think they will never die.

I was re-reading this, and noticed the mistake..... so sorry, that sounded sooo greedy and self-serving.
Apologies again...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

thank you everyone for your answers.. I truly think that they will never die, and why should they give their rights away. The progression is getting to the point that they both are against me for everything. From me getting groceries to driving them to their family doctor. They will let me drive them to every appt. with doctors, tests etc..... except their family doctor. They will not let me in there with her(dr) They think they are fooling her about their health. I think if they say how they really feel, mentally/physically, that they will be put in a home. You see, they have told the doctor that they do everything themselves, and have no outside help.

If I go in there, the doctor would know that all these years, that they have been lying to her. I brought up the DPOA and Medical POA... They told me that they don't think they'll be dying soon, so they will just wait on it for awhile....
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Ask them to sign papers that make sure that you will not be held responsible for anything that happens to them. No bills to come your way, not caretaking tasks to come your way. If they do ask make sure you make a agreement ahead of time of your caretaker responsibilities and costs. If they don't sign get it documented and send copies to your siblings and be grateful you will not have to be the caretaker for them and make plans to move and get on with your life as you want. If you want to be that caretaker for them, think twice first. Read the answers to the question of "Can being a Caretaker Kill you?" then decide is that what you really want for your life. You may have been disabled but you didn't die. You are still a living human being that can bring good things to this world forget what the neighbors thing or your siblings let your parents tell stories the truth always comes out in the end. And they will get theirs. Don't take on the responsibilities and move out and start living and make sure no siblings can come to you and ask for financial assistance because mom and dad refused while living to do so.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Blannie - YES! Let the chips fall where they may. You have made extensive efforts to get them to understand that they need to be responsible. They are in denial (for whatever reason) - I would tell them a few real-life horror stories of what can actually happen - they may not have a clue! After that, walk away and work on your own life. Being strong yourself is the best thing you can do for them and for you! I've learned that sometimes you just have to quit butting your head against a wall and let others take the consequences of their foolish decisions.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Well with no help from your siblings or parents, I say it's time for you to save yourself. It sounds like you want to move away. Do! Let them figure out what help they need and ask for it. Sometimes it takes an emergency (as others have said) to wake up parents and siblings. Don't make yourself crazy in the meantime.

Start living YOUR life the way you want to and let the chips fall where they may. Good luck and keep us posted!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I agree with freqflyers advice of getting them to see an Elders Law lawyer, however I know mine flat out refused to do it. It is not always possible to get them to do it. Almost the entire house settlement went to pay off a lien set by the state for my dad's nursing home bills and my mom needed that money to take care of herself. All of that could have been prevented had my parents been willing to do the necessary paperwork to protect their assets but they were to stubborn and didn't listen.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Just wishing you luck with this. My parents refused to have DPOA put in place. Dad finally became incompetent and now my sister and brother are petitioning for conservatorship. It is costing thousands of dollars. This whole thing has been a nightmare. After seeing the mess that was created by their stubbornness Mom has agreed to DPOA, thank goodness.

I really hope your Dad comes around.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

helpless2015, I've been down that road of trying to get to get my parents to even update their Wills, Power of Attorneys which they had signed 12 years prior, and drawing up a Living Will and Medical Directives. They thought what they already had was good enough but it would have turned into a nightmare if anything happened to either one.

It finally took a fall by my Dad, 911, visit to the ER and a short hospital stay to finally convince my Dad that his Power of Attorney needs updating. While at the hospital I told Dad I can't make any medical decisions for him because he has Mom's name on his POA... but now my Mom can't hear and barely can see, she wouldn't come to the hospital. That was a wake up call for Dad.

So I was able to get my parents into seeing an Elder Law attorney, and Dad was surprised at all the documents and all the pages... a huge difference from 12 years prior when they last signed documents. Whew.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions