Both my parents have dementia. I have read, studied, and followed everything there is but still can't get them to take a shower or change clothes.

It sounds like you have really been busy caring for your parents. I would suggest that caring for two seniors with dementia is a huge undertaking. I don't think there are any exact answers. Sometimes, you just try various techniques and see what works for that particular day.

When my LO was in a regular AL, they struggled with her resisting care, like baths, but, when she went to the MC, she didn't. For some reason, they just had the confidence and technique to manage it. Plus, I noticed they played music in the shower room. I could hear the staff singing in there. Maybe, it relaxed the residents. ??

You say you've read a lot about the condition and how to address the behavior. So, I take it that you have watched the Teepa Snow videos on You Tube about dementia care and behavior. IMO, that' helpful.

I'd likely discuss things with their doctor. I'd explore treatment, such as medication, if it's deemed advisable, due to anxiety, depression or agitation.

I would likely explore options for help. Have you consulted with an Elder Law attorney about your parent's situation? I would check out what services they may be entitled to both in-home or in a facility. If the funds are not available, how could they become available? More help would likely be needed as they progress and are not mobile.

I'd also keep in mind that eventually, the resistance to care may decrease, but, it may be met with more challenging situations like lack of mobility, wheelchair, or bedridden.

Before making big decisions, though, I'd get some respite time, so you can rest and recharge your batteries. I hope you can find some answers. I hope you'll get more suggestions here too.

Will they change clothes if something spills on them? I used to spill ice tea across the pant legs on my vascular dementia bath resistant Dad. We had to change clothes and take a bath because ice tea is so sweet its the only way to get the sugar off...

I agree with Sunnygirl. Get some help in. If they’re on Medicare, they should be able to get a bath aide a few times a week-a male for Dad and a female for Mom. Because these sides wear uniform scrubs, they may have an easier time getting cooperation. Good hygiene is very important. Poor hygiene can lead to rashes and infections.

Call your local area Agency on Aging to see what programs they would qualify for. You can also call your local Medicare office. Every state has a program that heps Seniors stay in their homes.

This may depend on how far along they are, but my dad does the same thing. He imagines he showers all the time (even 3 times a day, he tries to tell me). I stopped even trying to make him shower every day, Even though some claim a daily schedule of similar activities works better for most with dementia. He would also argue with me. Since he an still write and read I started out writing him notes. In some cases even reminding him I was there to help and assist him, (not argue with him) as he knows he's forgetting (just doesn't want to admit it with showers though). I would make him write a note the night ahead for himself the next day. Then I'd take his dirty clothes away the night before. I use a baby monitor (or camera even) in his room, so when I hear him get up, I catch him before he tries to find other clothes. I remind him it's your shower day, remember? I show him the note and/or calendar showing his last shower and the days in between X-ed out. I figure if I can manage 2 to 3 a week, it's better than none. Plus I tell him afterwards we'll get our breakfast out or I'll make him something. Sometimes he still gets upset he can't find his clothes, but it's nothing like it was in the beginning.

Yes, I watch Teepa Snow, she is awesome! Her doctor is not much help. He tells me to be firm with her but that gets her all jacked up. I have met with an attorney and after this past weekend I see no other way but to place them in Assisted Living, they now have a Alzheimer's Center and memory care. It breaks my heart but I guess I am not strong enough to continue the battle.

Theresamore...
Sometimes there is no option but to place someone in Memory Care. The fact that you were trying to care for at least 3 people..Your Mom, Dad and YOU..this does not count any other family you have spouse, children, pets....
You can now be the best advocate for them. You can now care for them without having to worry if you can get them to shower, to brush their teeth, change their clothes, do the laundry....I don't need to go on do I?
Be there as a loving daughter/son. Visit and enjoy your time with them. Let someone else worry about the "other stuff"
I am sure if you could go back with them in time to when they were both well and asked them what they would want you to do in this very situation what would they have wanted you to do? I am sure they would not have wanted you stressed, and worried about all the things that you have been worried about for the last 5 years.
As I have said before and say to my friends...If you can put your head on your pillow at night and say honestly to yourself that you did the best you could given the circumstances then you can rest easy!
Rest easy..sleep well tonight.

If they have the money, I would not hesitate putting them in a facility equipped to handle their declining mental abilities. You can visit daily, if you wish. But, here's my question, how does one make someone move to a facility? You can't strong arm them. How does one do this?

An outside paid helper may be another option to consider. Major battles of mother fighting with father (dementia) who refused to shower. Had a male helper come in to shower him once a week. Told father the guy was being paid no matter if he showered or not- Dad didn't want to waste the money so he went along with it.

I had the same problem with my dad more than my mom (went to the nursing home). Dad was living at home with me. Mind you, Dad used to be a clean freak when he was younger. Due to my disability, and even though I hired a caregiver through the agency, it was very hard for both of us to persuade him to take a shower and then change clothes. I used to tell him "Dad, you stink! If you take a shower, then I will stop begging you. Also, I would like to give a hug after you take a shower and shave." Sometimes, it worked. I have learned that it’s best to leave them alone awhile and then compromise with them again later when they are in a good mood.

One important Tip "NEVER SHOW ANGER" it would only haunt You after Your Parents have passed on. To answer Your Question, ask a Nurse to call, preferably a very experienced Nurse Who will show You how to encourage Your Mom & Dad to take a shower. This is a very common problem with Our Elders Who have been diagnosed with either dementia or alzheimers.

I have resorted to sponge baths with dad. Make sure the room is warm and dry and replace clothing as you go along. It seems to be less stressful on him, he is really afraid of stepping into the tub.

This is when you step away because, for whatever reason, they choose not to listen to you. Then you call in APS. The skin is the largest organ in the body and must be kept clean so that infection can't take hold.

I wonder how often you are wanting them to shower. It is not such a long time since many many people had one bath a week, on Saturday night in front of the fire, to be clean for Church on Sunday. They washed face and armpits in a bowl every day (the cry was don't forget to wash behind your ears). You would know which bits need a wash. In British India, the ultimate luxury was to have a manservant shave an officer (with a cut throat razor) while he was still asleep in bed. It might actually be easier to try a bed bath with 'wet ones' for the bottom end, rather than trying for a shower. Sometimes people are easier to manage (eg wash and dress) while they are still lying down just after waking up. It might be worth a try. Sometimes less is more.

I have the same issue with mom. What seems to help is when she is in bathroom I don’t tell her she is going to shower, I just take her clothes off as if to get her dressed, then tell her to sit on the shower bench, which is part way in & out of tub, then have her swing her legs into tub. By that time she knows what’s going on but it’s too late to stop. I also remind her that when I was little she kept me Very clean & how important it is. And I’m just doing the same for her. Also I promise her a treat when we are done, like a meal out. Yes, it is never easy!

Finally looking back here . . . . but I guess you may have to take Grandma (aboves) advice. She has a good points. My Dad told me years ago, if he gets too bad and it gets too hard for me (as I'm the only child left) to place him in facility. I'm keeping him with me as long as possible, but if it becomes too stressful over-all . . . I may need to make that choice too! May God direct you <3

My mom fought me constantly about bathing until I started calling in “spa day.”
I was told by experts they only need bathing 2x a week. Unless they soil themselves. I typed on a 8x11: “Spa day today, don’t get dressed” and taped it on her wall right by her door. During breakfast I would tell her with excitement in my voice that she gets to go to the spa today. While she eats I get her clothes ready and bring them into the spa area (master bathroom). Spa day did included getting her into shower, combing out her hair/ drying it, massaging lotion on her shoulders, arms and legs. During this time I talked to her like the spa owner, not her daughter. I told her she was lucky to get to go to the spa and I wish I could go someday. I would
tell her how pretty she looked and asked her how she enjoyed the services today.

side note: I learned at an Alzheimer’s conference that a lot of dementia/Alzheimer’s patients don’t like to bath because they fear the water because they can’t see it.

Prayers for you and your parents. You are doing the most amazing work in your life, helping parents through this insidious disease.

Well, my (ex) husband hasn't had a shower for years, yes years! He won't use the wipes either or let me help. He's been in assisted living, then memory care, now in Hospice. I was assured their "bath person" would know how to get him to bathe, but if he refuses, they cannot force him. His room is full of flaking skin. I am able to take him out to a compassionate barber for a weekly shampoo and razor shave. Very frustrating.

Hello! I am happy to say I had the exact same problem with my dad and found a great, working solution. No one could get him in the shower and we were all frustrated. Finally, I hired a local male neighbor/nurse to come to the house 3 X week as an appointment, and help him bathe. Having this ON HIS SCHEDULE and obligatory made all the difference, as opposed to an open-ended thing HE needed to do. As his main care manager, I made the executive decision after a doctors visit where they told me he was no longer safe to shower on his own due to balance issues.

He was reluctant at first but now goes along with it and doesn't seem to mind. If you can find an outside person who is non-threatening and trained to come in and do this with your parents, I highly recommend it! They key was not making it "optional", but making it mandatory.

Hope that helps!

My suggestion is to minimize your own expectations. I have come to accept that my mother will sleep in her cloths and refuse to change into night cloths or take a shower as often as I think is healthy and good for her. Or insisting that she takes vitamin c before her beginning cold takes hold. I delegate as much as possible what others can do. Fex the hair stylist at the care center does a better job with her hair which also cuts down on the time we spend at the shower. We pay out of pocket too, but without that time out for me, it would be so much harder.

My mother had Alzheimer's. Someone told me they can be really afraid of water, also she is extremely modest so she didn't want anyone to help her. We had someone come in to the house. She got to know her and eventually jollied her into the bathroom. She had a large hospital type gown that she put on her. That made my mother feel dressed and the aid was able to work around it to clean her up.
As for my father who has dementia, he is in an ALF now. He will not let the aids there help him with showers. I have learned to lower my expectations on how often he does. I think he actually has forgotten how. But he doesn't smell. The nurse there said some people don't. He hasn't complained about any rashes. When he does I'll have a doctor prescribe a showering regime and get the aids involved. But for now I tell him the day before we go shopping and out for lunch that our special day is tomorrow. And I would like to go out with a fresh and clean daddy. I kindly remind him of the standards he held in the past. If he ever does smell when I come pick him up, I intend to get him set up in the bathroom and tell him I'll be waiting for him to come out nice and clean so we can go out to eat. And as frustrating as people with dementia can be, anger never works. It helps me to remember the fear, the insecurities, the feeling of losing control and issues like these are often behind the lack of cooperation. A little understanding goes a long way.

I feel for you, I’ve been there too. It’s hard but sometimes you just can’t give them a choice. If you ask, they’ll just say no. When mom has to go to the bathroom, I’ll just say it’s time to take a bath. It’s easier if you get everything ready like the towels, change of clothes etc. so they aren’t just sitting there cold. Mom hates showering because she gets cold so fast. I keep the door closed and run hot water so bathroom is warm when she’s undressing. I try to be quick. And use 2 to three towels to keep her covered and warm after the shower. I start drying her on her shower bench and keep one towel covering wherever I’m not actively drying her. If she had a shampoo, another 1 on her head like a hood. Then I rub lotion on under her towels and get her out of the shower and have her sit on the toilet as I quickly get her dressed. I try to shower her every 2-3 days but sometimes longer in between
days. By the time I’m blow drying her hair, she’s commenting how wonderful she feels! I used to get drenched by sweat and or the shower but now I’m an expert, I have my routine down : )

I do not understand people. If they are doing all they can to be GOOD caretakers and the patients simply will not cooperate for whatever reason, I can think of only two solutions. One, consider placing them in a safe facility before their shenanigans destroy YOU and make your life hell. Second, if you can't or won't do that, then hire one or two people to physically restrain them until you can get them into the shower. They must take showers to be clean and healthy. I don't really think there is any other way.

My mom always has an excuse or says she will do it tomorrow. We spent a lot of money on a walk on tub and also had to remodel our bathroom for it because she wanted it. Now she won't use it. I have resigned myself to giving her sponge baths and maybe occasionally I can get her to take a real bath.

I am the primary caregiver for my 91 year old mom. Showering or changing underwear is a battle, she can still do it herself, and is very steady and mobile. I read an article that said to simply lead her in there and say get in. I always say, "mom can you come help me in here ?" To which she always says ok. I have towels ready water running and clean underwear. When she comes in the bathroom, I say get in there! She makes me leave the bathroom. I stay outside in case she forgets to get in. While she is in there, I pick the lock and grab her dirty clothes so she can't put them back on. If she refuses , she will say she's going back to bed, which is her response when she disagrees. I wait awhile and start over. We are down to once a week. She has no schedule anymore, so I just spring it on her. If I catch her not changing panties, I make her check them and say they look dirty. It's like having children again. I sneak in her bedroom and take her dirty clothes when she is asleep. She will wear same for days otherwise.

Wow, this is tough. We had plenty of issues, just not this one. I do want to throw out there than anyone who qualified for Medicaid may be able to get care in your own home, up to 24/7. Someone will have to manage the program; hiring, firing, discipine, turning in timesheets....but an outside company acts as the employer and bills Medicaid. So, it's still a job but it was a lifesaver for us. My Mom has had 24/7 care for almost 2 years. She is so much better off than in a nursing home. It's called Community Directed Medicaid. Ask your local Social Services office. Good luck out there.

My mother and my husband (both deceased) had this problem and I solved it with a bath aide - the bath aide came twice a week for about 1 hour and they were willing to let her help with their bath, but refused to let me help -- telling me wait till later -- but later never came.

Goodness I really wish I could jump in my car and head over to lend you a hand! Have you considered Home Health? It is typically no out of pocket expense to the patient but can be a life saving extra layer of care! They will complete a medical assessment of your parents prior to starting services, and it does require a phone call to their primary care physician to obtain an order but well worth it to have the support of trained professionals!
By the way, I have often found that parents who receive care from their adult children can resist care because they refuse to let their children see them "unable to perform". Parents are supposed to be role models for their children, right! And....they spent many a year positioning themselves as the boss - not you. Can you imagine letting all those years worth of effort go down the drain!
Trust me, your parents are very likely to allow a nurse aid to help them (and even be polite and respectful) when they insist on giving you a run for your money!

Don't know if this will help but here is a blog I once wrote on the topic:

Why do Individual’s refuse to Shower?

Do you know what the most commonly refused treatment in a long term care facilities is? It’s not medication, therapy, or diet, it is bathing! Residents refuse to take a bath more than anything else in a long term care facility.
While I was in college I worked in a long term care facility and often had situations where the residents were refusing their showers. Later in life I became an advocate for residents in long term care facilities and would often get calls from concerned family members and staff wanting to know what they could do with a resident who was refusing to take a bath. So what did I suggest? The first thing I want to know when someone is refusing to bathe is why? When I would ask residents this I got many answers such as:
·       The water is to cold;
·       The water pressure hurts my skin;
·       I don’t want a man giving me a shower;
·       The staff person is rough with me;
·       Dignity issue;
·       They rush me;
·       It’s not a good time (wanting to give shower during their favorite TV show); or
·       I like to take showers in the morning and they want to give it to me in the evening.
Once you know the reason for the refusal you can often come up with solutions that will correct the situation. But what if the resident has dementia and can’t tell you what is wrong? In that case you need to rule out all the possible causes and if nothing can be found you need to bring in the residents doctor and look to see if there is a medical cause.
Example:
An advocate walked on to a secure unit of a long term care facility just as 2 aides were dragging a resident down the hall screaming “I don’t want to take a bath.” It is obvious that the resident was in distress and did not want to be bathed. When staff was stopped and questioned they said the only way they could get her to bathe was to force her. Note: If that resident was injured in anyway during forced treatment i.e. skin tear, bruise or worse that staff could be charged with elder abuse! The staff went on to say they had tried everything and nothing worked. At this point it would be appropriate to get a medical consult and possibly get some anxiety medication that could be given to this lady prior to the bath so she would not be so anxious.
If the individual lives at home the problem could still be any of the issues listed above. If a home health agency is providing care the individual may have a personality conflict with the caregiver. If so contact the agency, most agencies work hard to find a caregiver that is a good match with the individual.
Final thought: Many of our seniors did not grow up taking baths every day. Many just took them once or twice a week. If incontinence is not an issue you may want to consider cutting back on the amount of baths the individual takes each week.

In my mother's last illness I had to help her shower (before we got to the bed wipe stage), though she wasn't resisting. I used to strip down myself, because it was a nuisance getting my clothes wet. It was a shock to her to start with, because we were never into nudism at home, but after the first time I think it helped her to feel less embarrassed. We were in it together!

I would just HATE to have MY CHILDREN see me naked.

How about you either get a large piece of pretty material (an old curtain would work). Make it into a 'wrap around' that ties with a bow. And give it as a present for her to use IN THE SHOWER.?

Just a thought.

Good luck
Buzzy.