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My parents are difficult. I'm the only caregiver. My husband is annoyed with them and the kids aren't happy any more. How do I deal with this?

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Your immediate family takes priority over your parents. Your parents had their entire lives to plan for their declining years and apparently have "assumed" their care on to you. You will eventually be completely overwhelmed and burnt out so you must come to peace with the fact that they must age someplace else. If they stay it will severely impact your marriage -- it's not fair to your husband. This isn't what he signed up for. It takes away your time, attention and drains your energy that should be going towards your kids. The longer they stay with you the harder it will be to transition them. In a care community they will be with others that they have much in common with. They are from a generation that is terrified of "nursing homes". Maybe visit some nice, local Independent Living communities and take your own pictures and show them. They may be totally surprised at how nice they are. I wish you courage in doing what you know you must do. Be diplomatic and wise when having this conversation with them. Have your husband with you at your side when you do. Your parents WON'T like moving out at all so be prepared for their shock, disappointment and resentment, but don't let it sway you. They WILL get over it at some point after they move. You must let them know you can't do it anymore but that it doesn't mean you don't love them. Good luck!
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Dear Buttons1mbc,

I don't know how long your parents have been living with you as well as you being their only caregiver but, if you are already being driven crazy, your husband is annoyed and the kids aren't happy - it will only get worse and you need to make a change much sooner than later.

I'm an only child and when I could no longer take care of my mom in her home after ten years along with my own home and my husband, as well as trying every other alternative I could think of, I had to start looking for an assisted living facility. After I toured some of them on my own and then when my husband wasn't at work and he could come, I narrowed it down to two. At that point, I took my mom and asked one of her close friends to come along and showed her each one. That way a seed was planted and she could see what the environment looked like as well as get a sense of the people. This made it much easier for her to not fight the decision. Also, I made sure that I was enthusiastic in my approach with her as soon as I pulled into the parking lot. I would say things like "mom, look they have a beautiful garden in the courtyard" knowing she loved plants and flowers.

Either way, I sense you are already burned out and that alone will affect your husband and kids. As the old saying goes "if mom isn't happy, the rest of the family isn't happy"! I wish all of you nothing but the best and hope you will provide us with an update as to how you decided to handle the situation!
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disgustedtoo Jul 21, 2020
Enlist the help of those places you decide would appeal to the parents too. Often they will provide a free meal along with the tour. Perhaps they can also enlist some residents who are similar in age and interests to come along for part of the tour and engage with them. If/when we ever get back to some kind of normal, find out what their activity schedule is and see if they can join in these, to show them how it ISN'T like the NH of old!

Despite AL being in mom's own plans, when dementia kicked in, no WAY was she ever going to consider one of THOSE places! LOL. Interestingly the open house we attended (they had torn down the old, really old buildings, and started over) AND at the individual tour we did with her later she was showing a like for the place. Her only comment was 'who will pay for it?' I went with the VA (we should have been able to get some funding, but the people I worked with sent the old forms, and it was rejected - had too much on my plate to do it all over), so she seemed interested, but by the time we got her home, she'd forgotten why we were even there! In her case, due to the dementia, we had to "trick" her... Unless needed, I won't bother with the details, but she clearly wasn't going to consider moving anywhere, the EC atty told us we couldn't force her and suggested guardianship, and the facility we chose wouldn't do committals, so some little white lies to get the deed done!

So definitely check out all options - basing everything on their ability to pay too. Apartments, IL/AL, senior facilities, whatever is out there and then work on getting them to move! Clearly this scenario is a mess and needs to be changed.
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I second that. They need their own place, where other people can help. Spouse and children come first.
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Find a senior community apartment for them and get home care. You need peace in your home for your family. Its not fair to you, your husband or your children. You can see them as often as you want. With senior community activities they may be very happy and meet some friends.
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grimgraham4 Jul 21, 2020
At the point where i need to do the same, find a senior community apartment, my mom lives 2 houses over from me but the responsibility and expense of her home are becoming a bit much for her, also a strain on my time, I still have to work, part time but still it's a stress I did not bargain for.
You and your kids needs a break, suffering hurts everyone. The sooner your parents have their own space the better.
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It is such a monumental decision to allow the parents to move in with your family.  I don't think I would ever do it.  It's too disruptive, everyone loses their privacy, you're basically on call 24/7...it's not a good move.  I assume that all other options were taken into consideration before they moved in?  Were they unable to afford assisted living?  You don't mention what their issues are....physically disabled? mentally disabled?  Try hard to find another solution.....for everyone's sake.

Good Luck.
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Need more information. Husband is annoyed and kids not happy? You may need to rethink your current situation. Caring for elders can be difficult even in the best of circumstances. The care will increase and get more difficult. You have a long road ahead of you, and need to make some decisions now. Home Care, Assisted Living, are some choices, but depending on parents finances, the costs could be expensive. Please provide health status, and other pertinent information, so we can better advise you.
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Sorry to see this "sandwich" generation situation that will only get worse daily. Please talk and look into senior facility for you parents. That is the best gift of love to save your family. I also want to know how you all work out, and thank you for reaching ○ut.
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I have said it over and over again. Not everyone is suited to be a caretaker. And children who care for their aging parents must face one fact and then decide the next step. If taking care of the parents, for whatever reason, is impacting the remaining family negatively and causing problems, then the family must take appropriate action before the family is destroyed - and that might be getting them caretakers - away from you and your family - or placing them somewhere safe where they will be cared for. They won't be here forever but hopefully your family will be. Think of your family and you first - ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE DIFFICULT. DO NOT ALLOW THAT OR TOLERATE THAT BEHAVIOR.
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Imho, I would need more information before I make any suggestions, e.g. "husband is annoyed" - what is he saying or doing?, "kids aren't happy anymore" - how old are the kids?, how old are your parents? This family dynamic may have to be amended as you go forward, especially since it already appears to be faltering. With both parents living with you, irregardless of their ages which is an unknown to me, that is going to be a challenge even in the most perfect of family units.
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The only benefit to Covid is the increase in availability of grocery and household deliveries/curbside. We have not been in an actual store since March and we can get everything we need. Maybe that makes it easier for elderly to live on their own longer. Also technology like Alexa and cameras may help keep an eye on them and give you some peace of mind. Obviously this will depend on their current level of functionality. Good luck!
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