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I will try to keep this short and only stick to pertinent details. I am in my 30s. My mother is in her 60s. I am her only family and thus only caregiver. She is not married. I am her only child. She has no siblings. She has no contact with extended family. She has no actual friends. She has an array of health issues. Fibromyalgia, arthritis, and severe anxiety and panic attacks. She does not drive farther than a mile from her house. I drive her to and from her various doctor's appointments and errands on a weekly basis. Background-- I strongly suspect that she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and possibly is Narcissistic as well. As a child she would have me deal with extremely adult things. She cast me as the middleman between her and my father when they were divorcing. She wrote out scripts for me to follow and demanded that I call him and his friends on the phone and say certain things. She threatened me with various punishments if I did not have the right tone of voice, etc. She claims to remember none of this because it was a traumatic time for her. She has no interest in hearing about anything in my life unless it's something she can belittle or compare herself to where she comes out shining. If I try to leave her house in the middle of an argument, in the past she's actually laid down on the driveway and dared me to run her over, trapping me. She has gotten physical with me before and told me if I touched her that she would tell her doctors that I was abusing her. This hasn't happened in years, but still bothers me. If I say something wrong or laugh at the wrong time, she demands an apology--in the exact tone she requests, then insists that I have a mental illness and that I am a toxic person in her life. She will go on tirades about all I've done wrong in life, spittle flying from her mouth, getting in my face, hatred in her eyes... Ok-- enough of that. Just wanted to detail on what I'm dealing with her. I've learned to cope with the weekly or biweekly appointments. HOWEVER... She has always said in what I thought was a joking tone of voice, that she wants to live with me. It was only a comment here and there, maybe three a year. I never thought she was serious. Yesterday while carting her here and there, she kept repeating that she WILL live with me in her old age. The thought makes me feel panicked. The thought of her living with me sends me into a full blown anxiety attack. I went through 18 years of living with her and it felt like 50. My childhood and teenage years were not normal because of her antics. I feel like somehow, someway, she will find a way to live with me. She will show up on my porch with her belongings in a moving van and instruct me to move her in. If I refuse I could vividly see her calling the police and telling them she was being abused, and inflicting an injury on herself. I'm sorry for the length-- but can some experienced caregivers please tell me what to do to prevent this from becoming a reality?

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Hello, Oh my gosh!!!!, Do Not Live with your mother!!!! I am living with my mom (I'm a nurse by trade) and am actually trying to move Out of Her house!!!! Do Not have your mother live with you..Ever!!! My mother has Borderline personality disorder plus Narcissistic personality disorder, plus throw in some mild dementia and you have a cross that is unbearable to carry!!! My mother is 85, I moved in to care for her after open heart surgery (she and dad both!!!) I took care of dad til he passed of pneumonia, then mom kept having to go to hospital for one operation after another, 3 falls, one stroke, a rod put in her left thigh, emergency appendectomy, numerous low blood sugar reactions, constipation problems, dehydration, getting upper and lower teeth removed, going to diabetic classes, teaching on diet and insulin, I am also doing medication management....she gets super mad at me and screams and yells at me almost every day, threatened to take the phone away, and I think it was that she started with sundowning..she complains about Everything!!! .I spent two days on the phone getting her an insurance plan so that she could have a special procedure done on her bunions as she is diabetic and foot care is extremely important...she finally said on Christmas's Eve, "I know I yell at you!!" Well, I said..Do I at least get an I'm sorry?? She said nothing. My 53 year old younger sister jet sets all over the U. S. Looking for a "job", and doesn't bother with mom at all..But mom has paid her mortgage when her alcoholic husband wouldn't pay it,..(but I'm the one who spends all the money!!!)..and sis and her daughter don't bother with me...its crazy..every time I go apply for work, some sort of accident with mom happens..I'm not going to mention it next time, it's like she puts the evil eye on me or something!!! So, please, heed my advice...my health has suffered over the years from this woman..asthma, panic attacks, always sick..I could never work full time for very long as most nurses in the profession are bullies toward me--exactly like my mom..it's like bouncing out of the frying pan into the fire...So I'm taking a hiatus from nursing for a while, trying to get my health together, I also had overactive thyroid and went down to 86 pounds, then had radiation treatment and take thyroid medication every morning for life. I've gained 10 pounds, not to my liking, wish I could gain more...but I just wanted to give you an example of what my life has been like...plus I married the wrong person twice just to get away from her and out of the house, and the stress of those marriages found me I'll.. and where do I end up?? Yep..back with mom and dad...now just mom..so, I'm trying to find something that will enable me to support myself on one paycheck --for paying rent, car payment, insurances, utilities, etc. And I haven't found anything yet. It would take too long to go back to school at my age (60!!) and get a degree in something else, I've tried that..taking a class here and there but not being able to go straight from start to finish as I always had to work. Unfortunately,  I never can make enough to keep me out of her house...so, here I go again..I have hope, though..I tell myself this can't last forever..one of these days I will have my own house...(hopefully)... Sorry this is so long, but I would do like the others say..steer clear, set good boundaries, I had to learn the hard way...find a good therapist..(I had to) plus-- I pray alot and go to church alot...it gives me peace...All the Best to you...and God Bless...
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Jenn, you sound like a very compassionate daughter. Your mom is fortunate that you have remained in her life. She does sound like a handful constantly demanding what she needs and threatening. Clear boundaries, limits though she may try to shame you would help you feel more in control. A lot of wise advice from people here, especially not letting fear lead to giving in. Be clear to her that her statements about accusing you of abuse are concerning. Give her the phone as another person suggested or (let her know her dishonesty is hurtful, and you need to go, for the day!) Also, I agree that talking to a therapist or social worker for yourself provides a great source of support. SW can document the concern you have with some of your Mom's behaviors, give you an advocate should your mother lie to authorities. Maureen
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better yet as suggested above - let her take other transportation.
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I have a BPD narcissitic mother and I decided years ago I could/would never take her in. Can't think of a better way to ruin my life and my health. Get the jump on her and talk to a social worker about this or a therapist if you have one, if not get one. Think of the various things she may try and make a plan for each of them. Personally I would have let her know that living with you is NOT an option. I made that clear to my mother. If you don't feel comfortable saying it directly, at various times start to let her know that you like living alone and intend to keep living alone and are not interested in a room mate -without referencing to her specifically. She obviously feels she can bully you and does bully you. You need to start drawing boundaries so she sees you will stick up for yourself now. If she accuses you of something, quietly say something like"You know that is not true" and walk away. If she lies down in front of your car keep walking. She won't stay there for ever. You can always go back and get the car. Do not ket her "trap" you into staying and taking the abuse. You do not have to cart her here and there on her schedule. It needs to be on your schedule - when it works for you. Limit it to certain days and times that suit you. Let her know you are in charge of your life, and she isn't..Good luck and let
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Jennsc, it is good you have early warning. You have plenty of time to practice, "Mom, I could never live with you. We would make each other miserable. I will be glad to help you find a good place, though." That is a good way to say no and make it sound like it is for the benefit of both of you.

Moms always feel like the boss in our minds. We grew up having to mind them. They were our guardians. When they get older, we still should respect them if they've earned the respect, but we don't have to mind them anymore. No matter how much they bully and yell, we can still say that we could never do something.

If all else fails, you can get a big dog and teach it to growl at your mother. Just playing here, but it doesn't sound like a bad idea.
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Jenn, you feel panicked because you haven't yet gotten past your childhood deamons.

Your mom no longer has control over you. As Jeanne says, if she threatens to call the authorities, call them first and tell them that she is in dire need of assistance.

You might have to arrange for her care, paid for by her, or by public assi9, but you are in no legal sense obligated to care for her yourself or provide her with a domicile. She is blowing smoke at you.

Stop taking her to doctor appointments. Im sure there is senior transport in her area. Let her do for herself.
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When you were a child and an adolescent you had no choice in the matter. You have a choice now.

Under no circumstances should you allow your mother to move in. She threatens to call the police? Hand her your cell phone. Better yet, close the door and call the police yourself.

I feel sorry for your mother. I really do. I don't think people with her mental illness wished for it or can help it. I hope she gets the care she needs in a professional setting. But for the sake of your sanity, pull your adult self together and refuse to let her ruin your life.

Why don't you start by making other arrangements for her transportation?
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Find her a tiered independent/assisted senior apartment to live in, help her move, then start building a wall, the Great Wall of Jenns......she will eat you alive if you let her. Don't let her.

Read some of the great older threads on dealing with narcissistic parents on here....I promise you it will help and give you courage.
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