Hi Everyone! Well this is my first post here and from reading the prior posts I am so glad I found this site and y'all. I want to apologize ahead of time as this is probably going to be a “book” instead of a blog. I have no one to talk to and no one to help (what is left of our families live quite a ways away). Well first some background. My honey of 30 years (no we are not married) first had severe heart attacks after we had been together 3 years. Two years later he had to have a defibulator implant as he almost died from ventricular tachycardia and they found he was diabetic with a blood sugar of over 800. Thirteen years ago he had two strokes…one major, but thank Heaven he was not paralyzed but his mental capacities and balance were affected. I started doing rehab on him from the time he left the hospital and he improved dramatically though he would never be able to work or drive (vision was affected as well). I was thankful that I had taken care of my Dad (and done rehab on him) and my Mother who was disabled as well. In November, my honey was hit with V-tach (severe) again and was taken to the hospital three times. This past December they had to implant a combined pacemaker/defibulator and we were advised that he was in advanced congestive heart failure. In thirty years we have not fought or argued until around February. He started getting verbally mean, derisive and argumentative. When I told him to cut it out that I would not tolerate it, he told me to get used to it as this was the way it was going to be. Since then it has gotten worse and he has told me I will not go back to work even part time! I am still not tolerating it and refuse to talk to him when he acts like that (he won’t listen to me any more on anything). I have to go back to work as my Social Security will not cover the bills and my unemployment is ending. By the way no luck on the job search (out of work since July of last year). I am looking for a part time job (so that we do not lose our home) near home so I can get home easily if I am needed. He has become so self centered (and in ways I understand) that our major argument today was over the fact I would not go out in the pouring rain to get him a donut. (we have food here). Seems like all of the arguments have been over something minor and dumb. I don’t get angry or frustrated over the subject of the argument, only his lack of respect and attitude toward me. Right now he has mobility issues due to the edema (fluid retention) and I got him a walker (rollator) which has seemed to help some with the mobility issues. He was not like this before and always treated me with love and respect both in private and in public. He is 65 and I am 66. I forgot to mention that I have had 12 strokes (2 major, the others minor) with the first happening when I was 29 and the last one Feb 2017. The first two were the bad ones and I rehabbed myself …took two years each. I was also diagnosed in 2002 with congestive heart failure and have a very bad back and hip from a fall 7 years ago. He is 187 lbs and I am a very short person (4’10 ¾) who is 60lbs overweight (losing it slow but sure) so when I help pull him up to a sitting position or help him get up it racks my back up again and puts me on a tens unit and a cane. Just start getting well and it happens again. Such is life. I could go on but I won’t. He has doctors appointments tomorrow and I am dreading it. I have already been told to keep my mouth shut when we see the doctor (which I won’t for his own good..especially being his caregiver). Anyway thank you for letting me vent. Not sure what the answer is but moving him to somewhere is not an option to be considered and he won’t allow a home care service to come in. I am just not sure what to do anymore. Right now I spend a lot of time in my study trying to get creative again as I am also a digital animal portrait artist/digital artist. Amazing what stress and worry rob you of. So afraid that I am going to lose him. I still love him as much as I did 30 years ago and wouldn’t trade him for the world.