My mom had me VERY late in life. She's almost 90 while I'm in my early 40s, married, with a young family. She just moved in with us a week and a half ago & we're struggling very unexpectedly. She was living on the other side of the state & we wanted her closer because we felt that at her age it was only a matter of time before things began to decline. Truth is, we've been trying to get her to move out here for years, but she didn't want to leave her friends and her home. Since daily calls gave us the impression that she had a full social life and was active with daily chores and errands, we didn't push the issue until very recently. Now she's here & reality is very, very different. Getting her to shower is a battle. I've gotten her into the shower once in 9 days and it was because my husband put his foot down and told her she had no choice (she stunk of fecal matter at the time). Showing her the shower set up it became clear almost instantly that she's not capable of showering on her own, not even with a shower chair and grab bars. When I got her clothes off it also became clear that it had been a long time since her last shower. Then there's her bathroom hygiene (or severe lack thereof). In the past week we've had at least 3-4 occasions where I've found fecal matter smeared all over the toilet, the floor, the bath mats and even all over the sink. She had to have had it all over hands and when asked she told me that she has to pull the fecal matter out of her because it gets stuck. We started her on MiraLax. That got rid of the constipation but she's still smearing fecal matter all over the place, so now I'm in a constant state of trying to disinfect anything she touches. I've found wadded up toilet paper that smells like fecal matter in the bathroom trash. As for our kids, they found the last mess in the bathroom and now they (9 year olds) are grossed out and upset that grandma is "putting poop" all over our only bathroom. Mom doesn't dress unless asked to do so. She doesn't put her teeth in unless I insist (and boy does she get angry when I make this request). She hasn't inquired about or made any attempt with respect to food or meal times. If you put food in front of her, she'll pick at it and eat some of it. But otherwise, the only food source she has an interest in are Carnation instant beverages. She hasn't opened the fridge once in 9 days! She's unable to remember information that we tell her. The other day she was surprised when I told her it was time to head to the car, even though I'd given her reminders all morning that we were going out. I was heading back into the house after getting our daughter on the bus one morning and mom absolutely freaked out that my daughter wasn't with me. She thought I had lost our daughter. It wasn't until I showed her a clock that she understood that our daughter had just left for school. She'll randomly wander into the kitchen and announce that she's heading out to get our daughter off the bus (at 10 in the morning and after multiple reminders that she is NOT EVER getting our daughter on/off the bus or babysitting). Honestly, we weren't prepared for this. She always seemed lucid and everything seemed logical when I spoke with her on the phone long distance. Looking back, I suspect all those social activities and errands she'd tell me about probably didn't happen (I can't imagine how they could have). I work full time, as does my husband. We both travel for business (he'll be away the next 3 weeks in a row) and we have kids in elementary school with all the typical school and extracurricular activities you can expect with 9 year olds. We thought we were taking on an elderly mom that needed more of our support, sure. But this is much bigger than that and despite my limited knowledge on the topic, dementia keeps coming to mind. Does that seem like a fair assessment? Her doctor has not ever said a word to me about any cognitive issues at all so I'm really feeling blind-sided. What should our next steps be? I feel so stupid for being so clueless but I really, truly thought she was relatively self-sufficient and of sound mind until about 9 days ago when she moved in. She's also so angry and uncooperative. She's never been an easy person and I've always treaded lightly around her. But she won't even talk to me if I bring up so much as a home health aide.