Elderly blind Mom says boyfriend stuck tongue in her ear. What do I do?

Watch out! Opiate addicts are very bizarre ,and they can act very normal as well as really abnormal. Long term drugs use of any kind is going to take a toll.
My Grandmother sipped the purple for years!
She would fit right into today's rap scene!
I noticed her panicked over running low and bottles upside down and lids licked for the liquid in the caps threads!! She lied about spilling it and was being rationed which infuriated her, she eventually went to a care home but left as they wanted her syrup! she cut me out of a 2 mil trust , thank god I got an agreement and told everyone what was going on or I was going to be the leech who lived off his grandma!! which is easily done in some minds!

Ativan and Hydrocodone have absolutely no effect on Alzheimer's. She needs proper meds from an MD. She is trying to drive your boyfriend off by any means possible and the accusations will become more bizarre. Your choices are: move out or move her into memory care. If you leave things as they are, you will have no boyfriend, and the police will be asking you why weird things are happening to your mother.

Hi..I really appreciate the input....but I am still confused. This such a rare occurance....she is normally right on in all ways..naturally slowing due to age and lack of sight. She only takes ativan to sleep a couple of times a week the cough syrup is limited to that as well. It is just scary. I will always take care of her ..I just don't know how to make her believe he didn't do this to her...she is very convinced.

Mom needs to see a doctor for a check up if for the only reason- to ask a doctor to document the "several identical accusations" before some poor person ends up in an elder sexual abuse investigation. Since its your boyfriend, sounds like she's trying to eliminate him ftom the picture. Can you see a pattern of using this to eliminate the hairdresser and neighbor? Its a cry for either needing to be seen as still attractive or maybe she was sexually assaulted in distant past. You should seek professional advice if it's interfering with your personal life- I assume she lives with you. Best of luck.

You should know if your boyfriend has a kinky weird side to him, or deranged sense of humor etc, but telling her he did not in her state is not a great answer either I would distract her with something she loves like animals or birds or flowers etc.

Ps: try to drop the subject. Its not worth trying to convince her a thing- with elderly people sometimes steering them gently away instead of being right is best.

lol...boyfriend doesn't even do that to me....lol. I think it could be a perception thing..maybe because of being blind and she is not used to having anyone else touch her. The issue now is ..how do I have a life. If she feels she is going to have to hide from him and always be afraid.

Has your mom been evaluated by a geriatric psych or neuro doc for dementia/cog decline? It may be time to do so.

Hi..no have not had her evaluated...she seems fine most of the time. Yes worried and nervous about health issues etc etc. and feeling lots of drafts etc etc. to the point of wearing me out with heat on etc etc. in florida. but this is weird that a tongue thing has happened three times. ..once a decade ago...and now with the hairdresser and my boyfriend. super distressing. she is very afraid and now says she is sick because of my not believing her and and betraying her for some man. I keep telling her mom don't you find it odd that this has happened a few times...and that the sitter was inches away and said it did not happen. ahhhhh life was hard enough before.

It sounds like your mom needs a workup with a good geriatric doc, maybe evaluated for a more systemic anti depressant/anti anxiety drug. Don't argue with her, try to change the subject. But also, take this for the handwriting on the wall that it is. It sounds like she's becoming more and more anxious about more and more things (illness, being cold, being victimized, losing you). She needs more comfort than you alone can give her right now.

Unless you have a seriously kinky man on your hands, I am with you I would bet the did not wet willie granny. Try changing the subject, maybe she will forget.
Do have her evaluated, and in the meantime make sure he is not alone with her.

Thank you for your input....everyone...been such a stressful time. I thought things were hard enough before. But this just made things so much worse. This is a really great community......I see so many people are struggling with the stress, tiredness and lack of being free. It helps to share.

You are not going to change your mother's mind. Even if you choose her over your BF, your mom will try to come between you and the next guy.

My own Mother is pretty with it, but she can come up with some unusual stuff. It is time that you start setting boundaries, because things will get worse. Good luck.

Depends how well you know your boy friend but I would tend to believe him given Mom's history. Don't argue with her tell her you believe what she is telling you and you will make sure it does not happen again.
Let her spend the time in her room when B/F comes over. Take her dinner on a tray and make sure you check on her from times to time. Don't let her control your life. this is only the tip of the iceberge and thes perception s are commen when someone has dementia. They become very clingy and may not let caregivers out of their sight. Tell B/F not to touch her again but not because you think he did anything wrong. If this is a long term serious relationship and B/F is a good man don't let mom spoil your life. Jealousy can be a very strong driving force for an elderly frightened person. Definitely get her evaluated and maybe different meds. Let the Dr know the story befor mom is seen.

it is sooo hard....been hearing how I betrayed my mom for two weeks now because I do not believe her. even though I tell her that I think she may have perceived it... but then she goes on how he was the wrong person for me and how he would not stick by me if I got sick...I was sick as a kid. hours every day. My boyfriend went to a counselor with me...and she said for me to realize that since mom and I have had an emeshed relationship that this is normal..she has been a wonderful mom....and I hate seeing her worried and upset.....but now my boyfriend is really getting fed up. he wanted us to get married and live as a family....very depressing.

So as you add more detail, it becomes apparent your "with it" mom is trying to break you and your boyfriend up. Since you're seeing a counselor who defines your relationship with your mom as enmeshed, you need to work with her to figure out how to handle this situation and how to set the appropriate boundaries with your mom. It's probably going to get worse (as you set boundaries with your mom and get her to realize you're not going to do what she wants you to do) before it gets better. It won't be easy for any of you.

You need to redefine your relationship with your mom or you can kiss your boyfriend (and any other man you try to date) goodbye, as you and your mom live in her preferred set-up (just the two of you - you there to serve her). Your mom sounds like she's pretty manipulative and devious. Not attractive traits.

There is a fine line between being protective and being manipulative. Let's take Mrs. Bates as an extreme example. She had Norman convinced she was protecting him from evil women, she convinced him they must be eliminated in order to protect him. In reality she was able to impose her delusions on him repeatedly until he no longer had a Will of his own. He no longer had any choices and thus no future. You still have the option to choose between her delusions and your future. Do you have enough Will left to break free?

I don't know...my mom has been a wonderful sacrificing mom who took care of me when I was sick as a child and in my twenties...and I devoted myself to taking care of her when I was better...and it has been just us since my dad died when I was 17. I am now 45 with a successful business. She did so much to help me develop my career and has wanted me to go out. my last boyfriend was 25 years older and superrich..we got along well but he was not happy with the mom situation and left. my current boyfriend was not as well off and she was not happy about that as what is going to happen when I get sick again. He was like..you might..but you might not..don't let that always cloud your life and I will find away. He since got promoted three times. she was always pleasant to him when they were together but she was often trying to tell me he was very shrewd and cunning and has a difficult background. I made he mistake of telling her a year and a half ago that he told me he had been addicted to pain pills after he had major surgery14 years ago and he takes a medicine ever since so as to keep his endorphins stabilized. I accepted it as he told me to have me becareful when I was going to be given painkillers for something. I took time away from him then..and realized I did not want to hold that against him..he is a good man, tried to help me and has a great career. He gets upset when esp during the winters she calls me many times during the night to help her with issues..coldness, sweating, drafts etc...He said he would work hard so we could get a nurse.
But now it went on for 12 hours with her that I would take a man I only know 4 years over hers and that I have ruined the end of her life and that she will nver feel the same about me and so on. and my boyfriend says he wants a normal life where we were all going to be able to live normally but now that does not look like it will happen as she would be uncalmable if he ever came by to see me. I do not think my mom is a liaror devious...I think she perceived something wrong and is overreacting ...but it is all such a mess. I feel like do I just give up and let him have a normal life with some one else and I just do my work, take care of her and not have anything serious until she is gone? I don't know what is right..but the strain is killing me.....thanks for letting me vent.

RW1, the really important thing is that your boyfriend knows YOU know he didn't do it. As long as he's completely confident about that, he ought to be able to relax and write this bonkers accusation down to whatever is going on in your poor mother's head.

I can imagine that with her combination of drugs, plus her altered senses, sensations around her get distorted. No doubt she felt something around her ear, but completely misperceived it. And I agree with Ba8alou, if this is happening a lot she must find the world a frightening place sometimes.

About her being angry that you didn't believe her, she's wrong, but you can see why - see above, she's feeling threatened and she wants back up (like we all do from our friends, even if we're not sure we're in the right). I don't know how you normally talk to one another, but if it's possible to be neutral and noncommittal, so that effectively you're avoiding the discussion, I suppose that's the way to go with this and similar crises.

If she says she'll have to hide in her room if your boyfriend visits you (this is your home too, right?), call her bluff. Let her. Pound to a penny she'll do no such thing. Coach your b/f in how to respond if she accuses him to his face - "I'm sorry that you were frightened. I'll be careful not to come too close next time" - but do not allow him to be exiled or yourself to be isolated. Sounds like a key boundary is at stake there.

And, yes, it's time for a full assessment if your mother hasn't already had one. She's having a frightening time, and you're having a hard time - there could be some very helpful answers out there if you can find the right people to ask.

I may erase before posting because you may not feel I am being kind or sensitive to your mother's needs. For that I apologise in advance.
First of all I absolutely agree with everyone who has posted above especially Pamstegman,and won't repeat my previous post.
Your mother did make sacrifices to take care of you when you were sick and support you while you developed your career, BUT thats what mothers do, they protect their younge and when they are grown they tip them out of the nest and do not expect to sit in the nest and wait for the younge to feed them. Some human young when they become sucessful do repay their parents handsomely but others if you have read much here have as little to do with the elder as possible until they die when they are hovering like vultures.
Of course you feel loyalty to your mother and want to care for her she has no one else.Why? She has lived the last thirty years of her life vicariously through you. your sucess was her sucess. You gave her bragging rights you made her feel more important than she really was. My mother was the same way. She would take labels from expensive brand name clothes so she could sew them into her own then leave her coat folded with the label showing. She saved her Christmas cards from year to year and put up the whole collection every year. One year I noticed one from us where I had just signed it with our names and she had written in "with much love" she expected me to write to her every other day. if I missed a day ( I had three young kids at the time I would get a letter that started out with 'I looked for your letter yesterday" I left home at 16 so she lost control then not that she ever really had it.
RW1 your mother took control when you were sick amd vulnerable and you had not idea it was happening, you took it for nurturing and concern and enjoyed the attention but it was actually brain washing. Pam is right Mrs Bates is a good example
You took a very good first etep in seeing a councillor and it was an excellent sign that B/F was willing to go with you. I think you should be continue to go together and seperately. Is your counciller older and experienced - someone who has seen it all before.
Four years is a long time to have been with the same guy so I assume you totally trust him and are secure in your relationship. going forward your loyalty has to shift from your mother who has raised and nurtured you to the male you will bond and mate with and form a secure union. This does not mean abandonig Mom but it does mean loosing the attitude that you owe her anything, there is a big difference between obligation and love. She will stop at nothing to break you up, this good man and any that follow him. You wan't find many that are will to take on and help support a MI and make her part of the famly, but no man will tolerate his intimate nights being interrpoted for frivolous reasons . It is your choice. Blessings So hear goes I am going to hit "Submit" and yes I do ubnderstand.

thank you for the advice and input --I do appreciate all. I guess it is just weird...the tongue thing only happened once within the year with the hairdresser and once a long time prior with a neighbor...but it sent a red flag to me. I am just so worn out...it has been two weeks of crying, yelling and as I tell her that no I don't think it happened but was more of a perception she says I am calling her a liar and have destroyed our relationship. I am too fearful to ever have my boyfriend over again...while It is my place..I pay the rent...i consider it my moms as well. If she knew he was here she would flip out and maybe call the cops. when this first happened she called her lawyer --but I emailed him and shut things down..then she wanted a private investigator etc etc. so I shut that down. I do not want my boyfiend's life destroyed any more...this is no longer a happy home. And he now hates her for doing this. I am going to the counselor again monday night........she said not to accept the guilt trip ticket...i get that....but I cannot get my mom into see a counselor so there is no way of getting it resolved and she is very upset that I told two of my best friends. ahhhhhh. thank you for listening.

Two weeks is a long time for your mom to hold on to an issue like this. To me that's a red flag in and of itself, that she can't admit that there might be a difference of perception. I sound based on her past actions that she is using guilt and obligation to make you a permanent caregiver. This will only get more so and your resentment when you are 60 and alone in the world will be huge. Set boundaries now .

I didn't mean take mom to a councillor I meant joint sessions with you and B/F and you alone as well. Stop telling Mom who you are talking too she is going to keep this up as long as you react. When she starts in just tell he you don't appreciate being treated this way and leave the room or the house. Don't giveup seeing your B/F. Arrange a sitter then just tell her where you are going. Leave a number for the sitter but tell her not to give it to Mom and turn off your phone. if necessary get one of the prepaid phones to use for this purpose. You do not deserve to have your time with your B/F constantly interrupted you are a big girl and have more than repaid your mother for her care of you.

I know..I just hate seeing her all upset and how I am ruining her final time on earth and how after all we had been through how I could not believe her. and I hate seeing my boyfriend torn apart by all of this. I am not sure what to do.....I am looking forward to counseling tomorrow.
thank you all!

You are NOT ruining your mom's "final time on earth". She's choosing to make that her reality. You're trying to be a loving daughter to her but she will only be happy when she has you all to herself. She's cutting you off from your boyfriend (and has from what you said done that in the past to other boyfriends as well).

If she's raised you so well, she must trust your judgment - you're an adult now and have right to your own life - separate from her. But she's not doing that - she's trying to bully you into doing what she wants you to do. Your mom can make herself happy - you cannot. Only she can do that for herself.

Reallyworried your mother has got you doubting yourself, and this is not good. Not good for you, which means not good for her. For her to be happy, you have to be happy. Because, whether she likes it or not, she is dependent on you, that's why.

Your mother is living in YOUR home, secure in YOUR care. I'm glad you look back on happier times when she was a great mother to you; it's a tribute to her that you remember that fondly and gratefully. But you are already repaying her by providing good care in your home so that she isn't staring loneliness or fear in the face.

Now then. You are not ruining anything. YOU have not upset her. I hope the counsellor will back me up on this - you have to separate what your mother is really upset about - being blind, getting old, being afraid and vulnerable, all perfectly reasonable things - from the paper tigers she's bringing into the house - such as your boyfriend being a sadistic practical joker who would get some kind of kick out of sticking his tongue in the ear of a poor little old lady whom nobody would believe. Oh come on, lighten up - it's funny! As IF???

I know. What is NOT funny is the impact it's having on your and your boyfriend. I'm worried about your mother too, but not in this particular scenario. Uh-uh. She's having a whale of a time making waves and watching you bob about in them.

I'm being sincere, I am sorry for your mother. She's in a sad situation. And she's right - vulnerable people do get victimised in our society, that's why we're all chasing our tails trying to stop it happening. But she is not one of the victims, not in that way anyway. Recognise her legitimate anxieties, but also know when to call b.s. I'm sure your counsellor will be able to give you great techniques for doing that - please let us know how you get on.

Dear Reallyworried . . . you have my middle name! IMHO, if your mother has accused others of this bahaviour in the past, I would tend not to believe your boyfriend has done this. Were I in your shoes, I would discuss this with her physician. I would not argue with her or your boyfriend. Let some time pass and she just may forget this. Good luck!

Thank you I really appreciate it all. My mom has always wanted me to get married and be happy. I think she is so afraid that the strain of doing it all will hurt me. and yes I have felt it. My business is time consuming and esp in the winters I am woken up by my mom about 5 times a night. then add a boyfriend who wants a life with you..i sometimes felt like breaking. but with his new job he was going to be able to help me financially with help for my mom..... she is afraid because of his past that he will not be strong enough if I need him........but he has endured alot since his pain pill issue over a decade ago and has been fine. she said I was a fool for not running when I found out. but he was always loving and kind to me so I decided to study about it and stay. but my mom denies saying things against him even before she knew it. I am so worn out by this and making work mistakes and weary. I know she loves me ..I just wanted us to be a happy family..I just don't see how to bring my boyfriend into the house without a riot or in time another incident. thank you again for your help.

Worried, work with your therapist, establish boundaries. Not everything that you think should be shared with your mom. Your choice of a mate is YOURS not subject to her approval.

RW1, just promise me you'll take this to heart: You Are The Boss. xxx