Help, I blew it with my brother who is primary caregiver.

Sometimes you just crack under the pressure. My siblings think Dad needs little care, because when they see him he is dressed, bathed, in clean clothes, with a healthy glow from a nutrious and tasty diet, at his peak of the effectiveness of his Parkinson's medicine. What they don't see is the 24/7 work that is involved in getting him there.

Thank your brother for all the hard work he does, compliment him on his strength and courage and compassion. Tell him how grateful you are for his wonderful care. Most important give that man sometime to himself, to be something more than a caregiver.

I speak from the other side of this fence, as it were, as I am a 78 yr old widow with the creeping in of old age that gets my attention day by week by year. my arthritis is very painful, my children live far away but do call, e-mail and visit when they can. I have two dogs and a cat who keep me warmly comforted and feeling needed.
My memory lapses are getting worse and worse. I have no trouble recalling long ago but yesterday...hmmmmmnot so much. Anyway, I don't yet need a live in caretaker but who knows. My point is that your mom is lucky indeed to have her children close enough to give care, but she still yearns to feel LOVED, RESPECTED, ADMIRED and VALUED even if in small increments. A bit of praise once a day would be welcome. You obviously adore her and your brother is getting scared/angry about the reality that he is losing/has lost the "MOM" he once had. She also scared knowing that she can no longer ever BE the MOM she once was. Still, giving him time off every week ( that he can count on) should be a help. But he MUST NOT get rid of her dogs!!!!! He may not understand why she is so devoted to them, but trust me, if they go she will hurry after them. I certainly would.
I used have four dogs, but now am down to two and they also are creaky with age but still can take short walks and fresh air with me., Which I need and enjoy.

Suggestion...Give mom some memory prompts about the years she remembers so well...have her talk, dictate etc. what her childhood was like, how she felt about school, who her first boy-friend was and so on...... She loves those memories and would love to share them.
Blessings on each and every one of you...

the ocd tendancies that a dementia sufferer exhibit are alone enough to drive the average person over the edge. the carer is watching his / her own life being consumed and simultaniously fearing for their own future. if and when the dementia patient starts exhibiting depression, bipolar, or worse, the carer is being twisted like a pretzel. it isnt uncommon for siblings to argue, even vehemently, but education about the disease and its fatal progression are the best bet for all involved. i have 2 sisters who are as annoying as nut rash but neither ever argued when presented with sensical information that i picked up online and elsewhere. in moms final days they chipped in and provided bedside help and everyone got along.

Thank you all. I do think he just needed to vent. I should have listened before educating. I'm on my way to give him the day off.

Can relate to your bro sometimes i think shes trying to drive me MAD? My mum is early stages I think? BUT i do think that they take the piss abit with the main caregivers. My brother and sisters have really seen nothing major only my stories of what shes done its when youre living 24/7 you see what its all about.
I can understand your brothers frustration but hes VERY lucky to have his siblings help out I wouldnt feel bad just listen to him and let him let off steam now and then this isnt easy for anyone. Explain to him that they do play games and know what they are at! Dementia dosnt mean stupid they are very clever at acting differently when other people are around this is infuriating for the caregiver and until my mum dosnt know who we are I dont think my family will wake up to dementia.

Jenn, I don't know your brother, but people say wild things sometimes. I hope he was just blowing off steam. I think that's what he was doing about getting rid of the dogs.

Try half agreeing with him. When he says she's pretending, say, "I guess it seems like that sometimes." Give him a hug and a day off, and he'll forgive you. No one is perfect, and I know what you mean that you were scared by his words.

Jinx is correct. People say things in the heat of the moment that they don't mean. I think men especially do that. He won't get rid of the dogs, but I understand the frustration with Mom. It's hard to keep up with the constant changes in a person who has dementia. It seems like they are doing things on purpose sometimes. If Mom was a manipulative person before she got sick, then it would be even harder to see her as genuine now. My Dad has passed the point where he can do the mental gymnastics to be manipulative, but I used to think he did some things on purpose, too.
I agree with the posters who think he needs a break from Mom. He will forgive you and you can both get past this. You are doing a wonderful job supporting him with information about the disease. It's not always easy to take in the educational, distant, and detached view, when you're up to your butt in alligators. I'm sure he appreciates the information when he's calm and has time to think about it.
He needs a person who can listen to him spout all the stuff he puts up with, all the anger, disgust, and frustration. A person who will listen without judgement and be supportive. Remember the saying about raising a child, 'it takes a village'? Well it takes a village to care for an old person, too. Bless you both for your generosity.

Just my two cents - and, remember, two cents isn't worth much :0)

If your brother is with your mom 24/7 and you other sibs 'visit' - even if you do this daily - it just isn't enough.

I agree with an earlier post - you kids need to take her home 'overnight' at the least and 'for a few days to a week' would be even better. Each one of you should have all the elderly assist equipment on hand in your homes - so that the transition is smooth - no moving, loading/unloading of equipment. All you need to move is mom. You can have everything set up, ready, and waiting when you bring mom home.

Your brother is a saint - but is probably coming unglued under the constant pressure. It happens to the best of us. He needs a REAL BREAK. Care givers just do not get enough BREAKS. I know most don't have the help that you and your sibs are already offering. I commend you for your love and care.

I would guess that he is super stressed and that is why he feels that mom is doing things on purpose and loves her dogs more than herself.

Shoot, I had a friend (who does not have dementia in any form) tell her only son that her dogs loved her more than he did! Now, how silly is that? Her son was a GOOD son to her. But people DO get attached to their animals. Tis life for some.

It sounds like your brother's frustration is building and he just needs a lot more help with mom - and more time for his own life and to be able to get away long enough to do him some real good.

My hubby's siblings have not taken their mom or given us a break in over 8 years. They come and visit a few hours every year or two - but that doesn't help US. Your brother needs regular time off the 'job.' A week minimum - 2 weeks is better. This should be regular and scheduled if at all possible.

As my doctor said to me - will it be CONVENIENT? @%$# NO! But neither is full time care giving!!

When we finally did get away for 2 weeks (we begged/solicited friends and our kids to watch over things here) it took me 3-4 days just to feel relaxed. I enjoyed the next WEEK - It was wonderful - but then the dread came back and took the final 3 days. So, basically, I got a one full, wonderful week out of the two. I know it sounds weird.

So, support your brother as much as you can - interject helpful comments as you have been doing, give him print outs, books, etc. and ALWAYS make him feel appreciated and loved. Let him know how much you love him and how grateful you are for what he is doing for your mother. Hubby's sibs don't call, write or even answer our texts. We have just stopped asking them.

I do believe that dementia and ALZ types of issues must be some of the most difficult to endure and deal with productively and I pray for all you care givers who are caring for someone who has these problems. Bless you all.

I agree with assandache7, take your Mom over to your house for a day or even over night. Let your brother go out to a movie once in a while. Day after day of being a caregiver takes nerves of steel. So glad you gave him some info. that is soo thoughtful of you, especially while the ranting was still going on! You guys are so lucky that there is more than one of you to take care of your Mom. I have a brother and sister, but you would never know it.

Oh, and I don't agree at all with your brother threatening to get rid of the dogs, just out of spite either... That wouldn't be very good of him at all, no matter what he's personally dealing with.. Some lines you don't cross.. My mom was an ass, but I never would have gotten rid of Reba, her dog... Him saying that would make me nervous, too... He sounds like he's got way too much on his plate... The best kindness you could do him, like the Lori and Kaz have said, is to give him a much needed break for a could days a week... Totally agree...