Anyone else get blamed constantly for parent with Alzheimer's?

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I'm the caregiver for my mom with mid stage AD. She is on behavior meds for sundowners and anxiety. Just had a med increase. She has gotten worse in the past month insisting she can go home. That can't happen because she refuses any outside help and Drs and state said she can't live alone. She ask me questions constantly about her things I answer her then get blamed for answering her sharply although I don't think I am (I've watched all teepa snow and applied where I could) she doesn't redirect well even hospital said good luck. Lately she's been saying she doesn't want to go to NH then says she doesn't want to be a burden and wants to go to memory care then gets mad at me and says she can't help her confusion. I've told her I love her want to help and I'm doing the best I can . Guess I just needed to vent.

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If your mom is like mine was, she would never allow herself to become acclimated to a NH or AL, no matter how much she might have enjoyed being there. But I admit I did use it, not as a threat, but as an option. If she complained about everything we did to help her, my siblings and I would have a meeting with her. We would explain that we were doing the best we could, that if she wanted more professional help, we could hire help but she would have to not fire them and she would have to pay for them. (We did eventually hire some help but not as soon as we should have.) Or, we would say, we can go check out a AL etc. She would assure us that was not what she wanted. She basically just wanted to vent about her frustration with not being able to get us to do things as she would like them done. We did try. We also asked for input from her to let us know what else we could do. She would tell on us to her sister who was two years younger. The sister, our aunt, would then fuss at us for talking back to our mother.lol. Did I mention we were in our 50s and 60s? I can laugh now that they are gone but it wasn't funny then.
Each time I think back on how we could have done things better I bump back into the reality that she wouldn't have wanted it and I have to be satisfied with how it all played out.
I agree with the others. You are doing the best you can. Check in with yourself often and know that and take good care of yourself as well as your mom.
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Three year olds need someone to do what's best for them because they lack the ability to understand all that faces them. The same with a person with dementia whose brain is not functioning at the level we expect. Let the words roll off just like the 3 year olds' and do what is best despite the whining. Do what it takes to protect mum, even if it hurts both of you a little, just like childhood shots. 
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This is where I am also. My mom is home at her house. I do everything for her. I think she would be better off with people in AL. I bring her to work with me at the family store. She still does not get the interaction with people I want for her. She had a fall a few months ago and was in skilled nursing. She was a terror there until they got her sine meds. But when I would go visit and sneak up on her She would be right there doing the activity until she got a peek at me ha ha! Then it was all about home I want to go home. So now she is back home but there is a lot of time just spent staring out the window and I feel she is not getting enough stimulation. But she will argue she will never go to one of "those" places. It's hard I know! Vent away! See, here I am venting right now!😄
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Dear coralmae and Eyeopener,

Caring for an elderly parent is one the hardest things anyone can do. I think between the side effects of the medication and the changes happening in the brain, its a very hard disease to manage.

After my dad's stroke, I, too felt like I couldn't do anything right. I tried to make my dad happy, but it was a hard go. I kept him at home till he passed in the hospital. But I sometimes wonder if he would have been better in a nursing home.
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She is not in memory care. I'm trying to keep her at home as long as possible I pray the best for your situation it's HARD
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Is your mom in Memory Care now or are you trying to get her there? I am having a similar problem. One day she says she'll go and then then when I bring it up again, she says "no way". The Memory Care unit already has a room for her and I know that I will probably get blamed for putting her in there.
The main thing is that you have to do what's best for your mom, for her own safety and your sanity. I wish you the best of luck.
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