Weve had alot of issues with my grandma within the last 3 years since my grandad died but shes pushed over the line this time. Over new year my mother had abuse over the phone with her shouting at her for not going to see her nye telling my mother were a bad family wishing our spouses dead! For the past 3 weeks shes been accusing my 10 year old son for stealing her biscuits which he has not done and wont let up about it. Yesterday she was harping on about it yet again and I blew at her, even my mum had words with her not to be accusing people if she still wants us to visit 3 times a week even though Im just a grandaughter with two dependants and a job! My grandmother rang my mum this morning to shout at her over 'biscuitgate' and bought up when I, 17 years ago stole something of hers which I was punished and repaid my mistake. Is she incuring that what I did at 14 makes my son a biscuit theif!!! My mum got angry and put the phone down on her and she then recieved a nasty voicemail straight after.
It is my mamas 80th birthday on Friday and after this crap shes putting us through I dont want to see her or buy her presents and make a fuss of her because she doesnt deserve it.
Shes not confused and old as one of my aunties describes it shes turned into a bitter and twisted old woman. What do I do? Theres no reasoning with her she just gets nasty, is it tough love she needs. She doesnt appreciate anything the family do for her and tells us on a regular basis other peoples families are better than us.
And I would definitely limit the time the child is exposed to this nasty, sick old woman.
And if your mother and your aunt and uncle tell you you're letting them down, because a trouble shared is a trouble halved and all that? Then tell them you've done your fair share, it isn't working for anyone, and you suggest that instead of putting up with your grandma's behaviour they should follow your example.
Having said that, the behaviour you describe does not sound like a person with all her marbles. It does sound as though your grandmother is losing the plot if she hasn't already. But in that case what she needs is professional intervention, not to be allowed to keep punishing her family.
By protecting yourself and your child, you might start a change that will be good for everyone. Try it - what have you got to lose?
Be supportive of your mom. It sounds like she bears the brunt of the bad behavior. Always be on her side. Listen to her if she needs to vent.
As for how you deal with it, you said she was mean and nasty so don't keep being shocked when she displays mean and nasty behavior. I'm not saying give her a pass. Just chalk it up to grandma being mean and nasty again and move on.
If it were me I wouldn't go out of my way for her for any reason. If she thinks other families are better than the one she has let her go out and find a better family.
Limit what kind of conversations you will participate in. "Gram, I'm not really interested in hearing bad things about our family. Let's talk about something else." "Gram I love you and I want to talk to you, but I will not listen any more about biscuit thieves." And if she won't let you redirect the conversation, tell her politely but firmly that you'll call/come back at another time and hang up/leave."
I suspect that she is mentally ill. That if she has all her marbles they are scattered all over the place! That will mean "tough love" won't work and that she probably can't learn new behavior. But that still does not require you to accept abuse. Protect yourself. If that helps her change her behavior, great. But even if it doesn't, it should lower your stress level.
I don't know whether she really is cognizant, but I do think your assessment that she's playing people is right. Or it could be as others suggest that there is some mental illness in place.
Regardless, all of you need to back away for your own mental and physical health, and consider the difficult task of not letting her manipulate and harass you. If you've got caller ID, don't answer her calls; and don't return them. Distance yourself.
I know it isn't easy to do, but she's out of control, and trying to figure out how to manage, interpret and respond to her behavior is probably going to make all of you just more frustrated.
Maybe the antidepressants are making her worse, or she's not taking them and needs to - awfully hard to tell.
She does sound more angry-depressed than demented, but its a good thing someone else is looking in on the bills.
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